Chapter 2
Remus have no patience. It had been months since he had last seen Sirius, and even longer since he had last spoken.
After a short summer vacation at Potter's, Remus had realized that nothing was good if Sirius wasn't there. Because even if he hadn't spoken to him for months, he saw him every day, in the room or around the castle. But without talking to him, or seeing him, or his many summer letters, Remus's life no longer has meaning. So he had forgiven Sirius, and he couldn't wait to get to Hogwarts to patch things up with him.
Of course these months had been horrible, and Remus knew that Sirius had been wrong and maybe didn't deserve his forgiveness, but what was the point of hurting himself over it. If all he wants is his Sirius.
-James, I can't wait any longer. A few more hours and I'll see him.- Remus speaks again in the darkness of James's room, hearing his friend chuckle.
- I know, moony. You've been talking about this for weeks. I see you forgave him and misses him.” James chuckled, Remus hearing James' love in his voice.
-You don't understand, I know he was wrong, but Prong, he's smart, and funny, and…- Remus thinks about every perfect part of Sirius.
"Pretty?" James added, but Remus had thought of something more appropriate.
-Beautiful! He has these eyes that…. and that hair. And his smile? Prong his smile! - Remus speaks excitedly full of longing and love, completely forgetting what happened, because he loves Sirius too much. Remus knows if Sirius could kill someone, he still love him unconditionally. Because Sirius Black has this power over Remus Lupin.
- You're totally in love with him, mate. But don't you think you forgave him too quickly? I mean, I know he's a good person, he's Sirius and I love him but he betrayed our trust. - says James with a sad voice, remembering that day, he knows how it is, because he's been wondering the same thing for months, but he doesn't no point in waiting because he will forgive him sooner or later anyway.
- I know how you feel, James. I wondered this for months. It's bad what he did but I think he has an explanation that we never let him give us.- Remus answers, excitement fading, thinking about how their last conversation with Sirius went.
Remus you don't have the strength to have this conversation. The dawn of day is seen in the sky, and he looks at his friends, who are wounded. He understood what had happened already. And when James punches Sirius in the face, it all becomes all too real. Because what had happened was really Sirius's fault, if James of all people hit Sirius.
Sirius with a bloody nose and watery eyes looked at Remus, completely ignoring the silence of James who hadn't said anything other than punching Sirius. Pete just watched the whole situation in silence, but Remus could see in his eyes that he felt just as betrayed as the others.
-Moony, I'm sorry.- Sirius says with tears falling down his pale cheeks and normally Remus would be gentler at the sight of Sirius like this, but that person just betrayed him.
-Don't you dare!- Remus gathered the strength to shout, and Sirius visibly flinched at Sirius' strong tone.- I hate you for doing this to me. You of all people.- Remus shouts more and Sirius is crying now, but Remus doesn't have the strength to stop himself.- You don't deserve to be loved. I don't want to see you in my life again !- continues Remus but James comes next to him and simply pulls him, Remus pretends to take him to the hospital wing or maybe to stop him from hurting Sirius, he doesn't know for sure but before he left. He looks directly into Sirius' blue eyes which are filled with tears and speaks again.- You are dead to me.- Remus says as he continues to walk alongside James and Pete, leaving Sirius at the edge of the forest alone as he deserves to be .
Thinking about all the things he had said to them that night made Remus sick. Because everything he had said and even thought was completely wrong. It was the fury of the wolf, betrayed and wounded. But the thought that a part of him believed every word of it hurt far more than the fact that he had shouted it directly to Sirius's face.
-James, I may be apologizing for him, but I think it wasn't entirely his fault. I mean we know Snape, it's not that hard for him to do something bad. Or maybe it was just the part of Sirius that really is part of that family, but I know he regrets it and I know I hurt him that night, and the months after. It's been almost a year, I can't stand this situation anymore. - Remus speaks hurt, sitting back next to James who had been silent for a long time, because he feels much more guilty than anyone else, and he's hurt because he hit Sirius or chased him away.
-I was wrong, moony. Even if he did something bad I shouldn't send him to that house again. I know he's been through something bad. I feel it in my bones. I knew but I still chased him away.- bursts out James after some time in which only their breaths were heard, and Remus hears the break in James's voice with every word.
-You did this for me. We both knew I wasn't going to the orphanage over the summer, and having Sirius here was only going to make things worse. "I know we shouldn't have let him go back there, but it's not your fault," Remus tries to reassure him, but the problem is that Remus knows it's their fault if Sirius gets hurt. Just the thought of the nights Sirius would wake up crying from nightmares makes Remus cringe at that house. But now there is nothing he can do.
-We'll see him in a few hours and sort everything out. I promise.- Remus whispers and James just makes a noise of affirmation, before Remus hears his breathing even out and falls asleep. Remus followed not long after thinking of Sirius' beautiful face.
* ∼ *
They finally arrived at Hogwarts, the train ride seemed awfully long, and Sirius was nowhere to be found, and neither wanted to check Sirius's brother Regulus's cabin. So Remus had to wait the whole train journey until they got to their room.
And his friends don't leave him alone either, laughing at his impatience and enthusiasm. Even though Remus knows he doesn't look as emotional as they lead him to believe, James and Pete know him too well to be hiding anything from them, so it's clear they've picked up on Remus' emotions.
When they were at the bedroom door, Remus's heart started beating like a rabbit's because Sirius was behind that door. His Sirius. His love. He will finally see him. Maybe he'll hug him. He just needs to be by his side, that's all he needs. The door opens and James and Pete's laughter fades, he doesn't know if he can't hear them or if they've stopped. Because in front of him, on the bed, is Sirius. The stoic position he sits in reminds Remus of how Sirius was the first time they met. Because it sat too elegantly and gracefully for an 11-year-old. And Sirius is just like then. His clothes are pompous, even if it's the same uniform, the purebloods always make him look special. His uniform fits right, not like Sirius normally changes it, wearing it in different ways, where he sometimes looks feminine and Sirius likes it. Sirius' accessories were gone, he wears no bracelets, necklaces or earrings, just rings and the Black Heir's ring. Then his hair, it's not long anymore, it's too short, shorter than Sirius had ever seen it, just curls on top of his head, arranged sophisticatedly. And his face, his beautiful face. Half of her is burned, he has a reddish scar running down her right side that Remus thinks is around a few weeks or maybe months old.
-Why the hell are you staring at me like that? - Sirius speaks irritably looking at them and Remus thinks how much he missed his voice, the way he spoke was black, because Sirius wouldn't have spoken to them like that, not in that disgusted tone, and when he looks at James and Pete, he knows they are thinking the same thing.
-Pads, who burned your beautiful face?- Remus spoke before he thought, trying to get closer but stopped midway seeing the incomprehensible reactions on his face.
-Who is Pads? I'm Sirius Black. - says Sirius angrily. And Remus is confused, why would Sirius ask that. He knows who pads is and they know for sure his name is Sirius Black, but the look on his face lets Remus know he's serious.
-Sirius, why are you acting like this? I know we argued but we still care about you.- James intervened, because Remus sure didn't know how to deal with it, he didn't understand Sirius' behavior, or what happened to him. He has too many thoughts, feelings running through his body now and he doesn't know how to face them now.
-What are you talking about? I've barely spoken to you since we met, what fight are you talking about?- asks Sirius, and Remus looks shocked at his friends, who have the same looks as him. Something is a lot more fishy than he originally thought.
-Why do you keep looking at each other like freaks?- shouted Sirius angrily.- No wonder dad told me to stay away from blood traitors like you. You guys are weird.- muttered Sirius leaving the room and everyone froze at that comment. Sirius just called them blood traitors. This is just unreal.
Right after Remus hears James somewhere in the room starting to ramble and cry about how guilty he feels, because of course James would blame himself for that, and the worst part is that Remus can't even contradict him, because that whatever happened to Sirius was their fault and all three of them knew it. Remus doesn't have the strength to calm James now because all he can think about is the boy who had left the room. His behavior changed. His clothes, his hair, his face changed. He was no longer his Sirius. Someone changed it. I got it out of him. And Remus can't stand the thought. So he leaves the room to look for him, leaving behind Pete's shouts to him, and James' sad cry. He has only one target and he won't stop until he gets there.
* ∼ *
Sirius was walking like a madman down a deserted hall in the castle. He didn't know how he got there, or what part of the castle he was in. He knew he had to get out of that room and he just walked until he got there. Just thinking about Lupine's gaze fixed on him, his words echoing in Sirius's head over and over again, thinking they were driving him crazy.
But it was sparking from warm amber eyes that made her body heat up, the feeling was wonderful but it was wrong. It shouldn't be like this. And he's been repeating that to himself ever since he left that room.
-Sirius!- he hears the voice haunting his thoughts, turning and looking directly into the eyes he had been thinking about until that moment. But Sirius must stay away from this man. Whatever he has to do with him is totally wrong. Feel that.
-What do you want Lupin?- Sirius forces himself to answer sharply but it comes out more sad, and he knows that Lupin heard this, because he looks at him with the same sadness.
-What happened to you? why are you behaving like this "What happened this holiday?" Lupin asks far too much for Sirius to keep up with, but why would he care, they're not close, but the closer Lupin gets to him, the more his body he feels better, safer, as if he wants to take him in his arms and stay there until the end of the world. But this is totally wrong. He shouldn't think like that. No no no no.
- It's none of your business. Leave me the hell alone. I do not know who you are. I never talked to you. "Why do you think I'd tell you anything?" Sirius yelled trying to sound more irritated than he was and he succeeded because he was irritated by how confused this half blood was making him. This boy.
-Sirius, we are friends, more than that. I know you better than anyone. "Why don't you know that?" he says angrily starting to get closer to Sirius until his back is against a wall and Lupin's body is so close he can feel his heart beating. Lupin puts his hands on Sirius' face, caressing him gently, and Sirius involuntarily puts his hands on his chest, looking up and looking directly into each other's eyes, staying like that for a while, until Sirius realizes what he's doing. That someone will see it. That it's wrong.
- We are nothing, Lupin. You don't know me and I don't know you either.- whispers Sirius in the same position, motionless, without taking his eyes off, he can't leave. He knows he should, but he doesn't have the strength to do it.
- I beg you sweetheart, remember me….I… I can't see you looking at me like that. I can't stand you looking at me like a stranger. As something disgusting. I'm begging you.” Lupin's voice breaks with each word, and Sirius's heart begins to ache with each word.
- I'm not your sweetheart... I… I don't know who you are.- Sirius forces himself to say, watching as tears spill from his amber eyes, as the hands on his face caress him once more, as Lupin approaches and kisses his head, then leaves. Without another word, he left with tears streaming down his face, disappearing down the deserted hall. Leaving Sirius alone with a void in his soul, collapsing against the wall, feeling an unnatural pain in his chest, not knowing why. Not knowing why he cares, why he's crying now, why he has so many reactions for this man. Why is everything the way it is? With tears pouring down, he asks only one question. Why?