Chapter 18
Sirius
Sirius spends the entirety of the next day worrying but trying to look like he’s not worrying. He’s not worried about the mission to the woods so much. He and his friends have done far riskier things for the Order since graduating school. Heck, he and his friends have probably pulled way riskier pranks while still in school. He’s worried about the same thing he’s been worried about all week. Regulus.
Maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to leave tonight. Sure, James will be around if Regulus needs anything, but it’s not like James is Regulus’s biggest fan, or vice versa. James won’t read Regulus to sleep so that his own thoughts don’t keep him awake. James won’t hold Regulus when he has a nightmare. James can’t tell Regulus that it’ll get better, or that the fear will go away, because James doesn’t know. James never had to live the way he and Regulus did.
Maybe Sirius should back out. Remus would understand, he didn’t expect him to go in the first place. But Sirius can’t help but remember the sickening looks James and Remus kept passing back and forth, like they think Sirius is fragile or broken or something. Sirius is not broken. He’s worked very hard to not be broken.
No. Sirius has to go. He’s sick of being in the flat. He’s sick of sitting in a puddle of his own worry and hoping things will change. He needs to move, he needs to run. He needs to be Padfoot, racing through the forest with reckless abandon. It’ll be good for him, he tells himself. It’ll be good. Plus, he’ll get to spend time with Remus. Just him and Remus. Wolf and dog.
“Alright, Pads?” James asks, pulling Sirius away from his thoughts.
Sirius looks up to see the look of concern creasing James’s brow. “What? Oh, yeah.”
He’s so sick of his friends’ concern. He just wants things to be okay again.
“You’ve been awful quiet today, unlike you.” James smiles like he’s telling a joke, but his eyes are serious and pitying.
Sirius shakes his head. “Just the weather.” He excuses. It’s not entirely a lie, the weather has been gray and drizzly all day, but being England, that’s not terribly unusual.
James knows better than to believe him. “Nervous about tonight?” he asks.
“No.” Sirius answers quickly, wishing Potter would just drop the subject. “I’m not nervous.”
James, having an emotional range larger than a teaspoon, sees right through that.
“Have you told Regulus yet?” he asks.
“No.” Sirius answers again, a strange lurching sensation twisting in his gut. He’s been meaning to, but he can’t quite bring himself to tell Regulus that he’s leaving him for the night. It feels like another betrayal, like going back on his word. Even if it is only for the night.
James hums carefully, choosing his words. “You probably ought to, before you go and all.”
Sirius doesn’t answer. He doesn’t want to answer. Obviously, he’s going to tell Regulus. Just not right now. Later.
But later comes and goes. Sirius says nothing that afternoon. He says nothing over dinner, and when Sirius finally gets up the courage to tell Regulus, it’s too late. Sirius walks into Regulus’s room a half hour before he and Remus are set to leave, and Regulus is already passed out on his bed, clothes still on and everything.
Sirius watches his sleeping brother for a moment. He looks peaceful and, in many ways, happier than he has in days. There is a bit of color in his cheeks, and while the expression on his face certainly isn’t a smile, it’s not quite as hollow and sullen as it has been. Poor tyke must have really been worn out to fall asleep so early and without the distraction of Sirius’s reading. Sirius can’t possibly wake him. He knows what it’s like to finally succumb to the blankness of sleep only to be aroused back into the dread of the real world. Regulus deserves a bit more silence, a bit more calm.
He’ll leave Reg a note. That way, he’ll know Sirius is coming back first thing in the morning. With a little luck, Sirius might even be back before Regulus wakes up. No sense in disturbing him.
Sirius quickly scribbles a note that he’s out with Remus (being sure to keep any Order-related details out of it) and that he’ll be back at dawn, then places it on the nightstand. Sirius picks up some of the old tea mugs to bring back to the kitchen and takes one more look at his sleeping brother before leaving the room. With a little bit of guilt niggling around in his gut, Sirius softly closes the door again. It’s only a few hours. Reg will be fine.