The Beginning of it All
“Hey, hey, it’s ok, we’ll beat the Slytherins anyway!” the whole of Gryfinndor house chanted from the stands as James Potter chased the quaffle at top speed. He reached out to catch it and fell. Just as he was about to hit the ground, he woke up.
James took in a deep breath as wiped the sweat off his face. He looked at the clock. It was 1 a.m. He had gone to bed a little over a half hour ago. It wouldn’t hurt to start some Quidditch practice, right? He shrugged and shuffled to the bathroom to get changed. As the only fifth year to be made Captain since the school had been founded. It was a big mantle to maintain and he had no intentions of letting it slip.
After rubbing the sleep out of his eyes James washed his face. Once he was ready, he slipped into his binder and put on some Quidditch gear. It was 1:45 now, and he snuck out of the dorm quietly. He walked into the common room to see Sirius and Remus curled up on the couch. Huh, so that’s where they were.
Twenty minutes later he was on the pitch. The quaffles were enchanted to come towards him like a game, and the beater bats were enchanted to hit the bludgers like in a game. A dummy was charmed to play keeper. James had been using the same spells to play quidditch alone for years. He had learned them in the beginning of first year, and had been practising instead of sleeping since then.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to sleep, Merlin, how he wanted to sleep! The problem was that everytime he closed his eyes to rest, the rising black of his nightmares quickly overtook him and he couldn’t sleep. If stayed in bed, his thoughts would start to overtake him. So, obviously the best choice was to overwork his undernourished body until his friends woke up. Then he would smile and pretend like everything was fine, that he was fine, because who was James Potter if he wasn’t fine, right? He was always fine, because he was the motherfucking golden boy of Gryfinndor tower.
By the time 6 a.m. came on the clock, James was back in the dorm and in the shower. He never stayed in long, just long enough to get clean. Ha, what a joke. There was more than one way to be clean, and I definitely don’t fall in that one. James thought to himself as he rubbed the raised scars on his thighs. If cuts were fresh enough, they would swell, and be a raised piece of flesh. They hurt when he put his clothes on, but it was fine, he deserved the pain for having such a perfect life.
When thoughts like that circled his brain like a dead man circled his whiskey round his glass, all James wanted to do was cry. Real men don’t cry, Prongs. He wanted to scream. No one knew, James had been out since he was 11, and Snivellus didn;t need more ammunition. Merlin bless, Sirius, they were unintentionally homophobic because of her parents and James didn’t want him to make jokes and accidentally out him. Remus would’ve been good to come out to, but he had enough to deal with in general. Peter, well, James loved the guy but he was a gossip monger.
Soon, the second earliest riser of the Marauders knocked on the bathroom. “You almost done there, Jamie? I gotta piss like a son of a bitch.” Peter called into the bathroom.
“Two minutes, Worms!” James called back, scrambling to get dry and dressed. Barely a minute later, he opened the bathroom door to Peter, who moved in quickly.
“Thanks, man, I was bursting.” Peter said once he was done in the bathroom. “I have no clue how you get up any earlier than this, it’s unnatural, dude.”
“It’s only 6:30, Petie, not early at all.” James mumbled with a smile.
“If the number is earlier than 9am it’s early, you morning person bastard.”
“Should we get Pads and Moons up before the rest of the house is awake?”
“Nah, let the Prewett twins get ‘em. Serves them right for being all coupley.”
“You can’t be like that to every couple just because you’re grayromantic, Peter.”
“I can, and I will. Especially to you, when you finally get a partner, just for saying "I can't.”
“You’re such a petty little shit.”
“Says the guy who’s barely five foot one.”
“Oi, shut it.”
“Never.”
“You’re not all that tall either, you’re, what, 5’7?”
“That’s almost a half foot taller than you, though, Prongsie.”
“Alright, I’m going to go get up Siri and Rems before the Prewetts get their hands on them.”
James quietly walked into the common room as he had earlier in the morning, and waved at Lily who sat on the chair with a book in hand.
“Morning, Lils.”
“Hey, James. Sleep for once in your life?”
Lily was the only person at Hogwarts who knew about James’ night terrors. It was unintentional. She had been out in the common room at 3, revising for History of Magic when James had come down after another restless hour or two of ‘sleep’
“Why are you up?” Lily had asked him as he entered the room.
“Why are you up?” He countered instead of actually answering.
“That’s not an answer. I’m up, revising for the test in Binn’s class, in like 6 hours.”
“Then I’m up to revise too.”
“James Potter, that is a fucking lie. You have not revised a day in your life, with your stupidly perfect memory.”
“Maybe I want to make sure I do well on this test.”
“Why are you actually up?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“How long have you not been sleeping? You look really fucking tired, and you normally look like a ball of energy.”
“Just the past night or two.” That was a lie, when they had this conversation, the last actual rest James had gotten had been over a week and a half prior.
“Do you want to tell me why? I’ve been privy to a few sleepless nights in the past while.”
“If you do first. As you said, I’m smart Lily. I can tell that you’re not just tired from staying up to study.”
“You caught me. Um, well, ok, this was not how I planned on coming out to you, but well. Ok. so, um, as I’m sure you didn’t know, I’m trans. Trans feminine. Uh, I understand if you don’t really get that but…” Lily rambled, on and on.
“Lily, Lily, don’t worry about it, me too.” He laughed, in spite of himself, and his unintentional coming out.
“Anyway, I get it if you do….. Wait, what? You, too? Seriously?” She asked softly, her voice a little confused.
“Yeah, well trans masculine, but trans all the same. Anyway, how is that related to you not sleeping?”
“Well, um, Severus knows, and.. That’s why you’re short!” It occurred to her as she was in the middle of talking.
“And that’s why you’re medium height. Keep going, Lily, something about Severus knows?” He prompted her to continue, biting back the stab of dysphoria as she commented on his height.
“Right, anyway, Sev knows and I’m just kind of scared that he’s going to tell everyone now that we aren’t friends. It’s not that I’m not proud of who I am, it’s just. It’s scary to be trans in this era. I mean, it seems like at least once a week I’m getting a letter from Petunia about some homophobic attack in the muggle world.”
“Yeah, I get that. I mean people are so bent out of shape about it all. You’re actually the only person here who knows.” He admitted quietly.
“Wait, seriously? I’m so honoured that you trust me with that James. I won’t say it to anyone unless you want me to. Now, why aren’t you sleeping?
“The short answer? Nightmares.”
“I get that. The same one or different ones?”
“Usually the same one, but it changes sometimes.”
“Fair.”
They had sat in silence for a while after that. That had been about halfway through fourth year. They still saw each other late nights sometimes, but it was getting better as Lily got better sleep habits.
“James? Did you hear me?” Lily asked back in the present time.
“Hmm, oh, sorry. Yeah, somewhat. How’s your book?”
“You’re deflecting again.”
“Lily-” James got interrupted by a loud whine coming from Sirius on the couch.
“Good morning, Siri, Remus.” Lily said to the couple who were curled into each other on the couch.
“Hi Moony, hi Padfoot.” James chimed.
“It is too early to be awake on this insufferable planet.” Remus groaned.
“Aww, does that mean me too?” Sirius responded, never too half asleep to be dramatic.
“Everyone but you, baby.” Remus kissed his partner on the nose and sat up.
“Guess I’m insufferable then.” Lily joked.
“Yeah, we’re just so annoying and intolerable to Moony.” James said sarcastically, picking up on Lily’s sarcasm for once.
Remus, too tired to get sarcasm at the moment, flipped them off. “Fine, you guys are tolerable too.”
Across the castle, a similar situation unfolded with the Slytherins, and the lovely gays known as Barty and Evan.