Who are you james?

The thing about being mentally ill is that there was a time you weren’t. No matter how young or far away it may seem, no matter how much you may think you’ve always been this way. There way always another time. And doesn’t James fucking know this.

He’d thrived in sports in his early years, he’d won awards and he had represented his state. He’d been the child only a parent can dream of (if a little mischievous).

He’d smile bright and pose for a picture with his trophy, the fastest kid in the school, the town, the state and maybe one day the country.

James had been good at soccer, so very good. He’d captained his team to win state year after year. People were jealous of him and hated him for it. It only made James want it more.

But with every rise there was always the fall.

Things started going bad when he was sixteen. One day he was spending every day training and laughing. The next he was bedridden and spending most of his time hating himself.

One day he quit running,

And the next?

He quit soccer.

No one knew what to do. His teammates would ask him again and again. Why did you do it? Why did you do it? You were so good? You had a future in this!? Why?why? Why? Why?

The truth is James never knew the answer. And he was never going to. Afterall, why does someone change their entire life in a matter of days?

Suddenly james is seventeen. He’s seventeen and he’s just had his first manic episode.

Sitting in the hospital cafeteria with a shaved head and a broken arm, James wonders how his life has come to this. How not even a year ago he was winning state titles and now he’s sat in a cafeteria on supervised leave from the hospital’s psychiatric unit.

He’s stirring his food around with his plastic fork as his mum mumbles on about something or other and he can see the nurse watching them out the corner of his eye.

He thinks his name is Tom or something like that. He had been nice to him his whole stay so he’d agreed that he would accompany them to lunch. He wouldn’t mind except for the fact it’s pretty obvious why toms there. He knows he’s not just there to help them around the hospital. He knows hes there incase james gets any silly ideas. Like running or if he’s feeling a little worse for wear, hurting himself. (The ‘or others’ rings in the air but james knows he’d never hurt anyone. He knows that.)

It makes James feel like a child. And as much as they assure him it’s only for his own safety he still can’t help but feel like he’s five again, using plastic knives and never being left alone for more than a moment at a time.

“ames- james!”

He’s pulled back into focus at the sound of his mother’s voice. Her concerned eyes watching him worriedly. Concerned in the way he’s seen non stop since right after his sixteenth birthday. When everything went wrong.

“Huh?” He questions, her words lost on him.

His mum smiles kindly but James can see the stress behind her eyes.

“I asked if you wanted a beanie to wear.”

James scrunches his face up, confusion swirling around his brain “why would I want a beanie?” He asks, not unkindly, just confused.

Effie seems kind of stuck for a moment, gesturing around his head for a second before she murmurs out a quick “I thought you might want to… uh…” she hesitates, and james raises his eyebrows at her.

“I just thought you might want to cover your hair until it grows back?” She finally spits out, and james makes an offended noise, sitting up straighter in his seat as he shakes his head at his mum.

He knows what she thinks. He knows she thinks he did it because he was manic but the truth is that he didn’t. He did it because he wanted to. And he doesn’t regret it. Doesn’t regret losing the curls regulus loved to run his fingers through.

The thought of his boyfriend stops him in his tracks. But he only pauses for a moment. Pushing away those thoughts because his mum is insinuating what she’s insinuating and it’s pissing him off.

“Mum, I did this because I wanted to” he says frustratedly, “not because of any other reason”

His mum purses her lips like she’s holding back her words and annoyance swirls in James’ gut,

“I get you don’t like it, but it’s my hair and my decision”

“James… sweetheart-“

And james loved his mum. He loves her more than anything in the whole world, but sometimes she needs to know when to stop. And this is one of those times.

“You think that you have this under control, and I understand how scared you are.”

What?

James minds spins, and suddenly this isn’t about his hair changing. No it’s about him changing.

“I understand why I do things and it doesnt make me any different, alright?” He yells, gesturing around wildly as he pretends not to see Tom stand up from the corner of his eye

“I’m attracted to craziness!”

Suddenly he’s freshly sixteen and losing his mind. Losing his mind and quitting the one thing he was good at.

“And you’re just embarrassed because I was like- you know I was like, this amazing thing like your special creation or something, and you don’t like who I am now!”

And it aches. It aches because james believes every word he was saying.

“Yeah?  who are you james?” His mum reply’s, and James wants to cry. He wants to scream and make a scene.

He’s up and out of his chair, “This is me mum, here this is who I am”

All James can think is that he needs to get out of here. He needs to get away from everyone and their grabby hands from holding him down and giving him shots. He needs to run.

He’s looking for his escape when he hears a voice call out to him, and it’s Tom, loud and firm in James’ swirling mind.

“James. Do not run. This won’t end well for you”

And it sounds like a threat. It is a threat. But it goes onto deaf ears as James whips his head around looking for an exit. It’s only a matter of time before he finds one.

“James!” His mother calls out, and he runs.

A hand misses his own from his left and he knows there are eyes on him everywhere, the whole cafeteria stopping when he had yelled the first time.

His mind is blank but only one thought.

Escape. Run. Get away.

And so he does. Out of the cafeteria, down the halls. Dodge one… two security guards and lose them in a moments time.

James had always been a good runner.