james
“But I wanna feel all that love and emotion. Be that attached to the person I'm holding”
People thought James was dumb. He knew that. He was alright with that, really. He was dumb and stupid and always did the wrong things, and never said the right things. He played Quidditch, and knew he was good at it, so he was conceited and arrogant. He got Quidditch captain over Mary McDonald, Mary was best friends with Lily Evans. Add fuel to fire. He ran around loudly with Sirius, they were childish and needed to grow up (Sirius never got a childhood to begin with, don't make us grow up now).
He never studied, unlike Remus and Lily, he was careless and didn't care about his school or his future. Everything was handed to him, even if he failed, he was rich. He'd be okay. He would never have to work a day in his life. He was fed out of a gold spoon from the moment he was born and spoiled beyond belief (Rainbow baby, rainbow baby, rainbow baby). He was loved and happy, he never suffered. He was egotistical and didn't really care about his friends. All he wanted was popularity, he liked being liked.
People thought James was dumb. The best thing about him was his money. He had too much, he needed to give it away. Donate to charities, open his home and his heart and his life. Be good, be kind, be grateful. Pay for others, spend lavish amounts on gifts. Show love, show how grateful he is to have his friends. Prove himself to be worthy of their time. Prove himself worthy of their love. He knew he wasn’t, not without doing, giving. He already had so much, he had to work to have them. He had to do better, be better. Never forget birthdays, important days, sad days. Make it better, better their day, better his character.
He passed his classes.
People thought James was dumb, but was he really? He never studied; he didn’t need to. He just remembered things. He could read a page once and remember it for the rest of his life. He would never need to study a day in his life, he would never forget a birthday or a favorite color. As a child, he liked to say that he had a ‘photographic memory’ and always pretended to be a super spy of sorts. James could remember everything. He never forgot anything he read or saw or heard. He sat through a lecture half asleep, allowing his subconscious to absorb most of the material. As long as he wasn't completely asleep, then he could recount every single thing the Professors said at a later date. He could read a piece of paper once and write it from memory 5 hours later. Lily was right, he would never need to study a day in his life.
People thought James was dumb, and maybe he was, just a little bit. He could remember how he felt the first time he met Sirius, and he could remember the details of his wounds when he fled to his house in the summer after 5th year. He could remember his first Quidditch game and the euphoria that came with winning, and he could remember when Slytherin shot a bludger at his leg, crushing the bone within. He could remember running with Moony at night, blissfully galloping under the moonlight, and he could remember how devastated Remus looked when their Defense Against the Dark Arts professor talked about the dangers of werewolves.
James remembered too much. He was not dumb, not really. He watched Sirius stare at Remus when he wasn’t looking, and he watched Remus smile at Sirius’ stupidity. He watched Lily cuddle up to Snape in the corridor when no one was there, and he saw Marlene hug Dorcas Meadows after Quidditch practice. He watched Peter kiss Mary at a party, and he watched himself be left further behind than ever. It was easy, James decided, for him to be left behind. Easy for him to become an afterthought.
“PRONGS!” Sirius yelled from across the Great Hall. He and Remus just came from the library. It was lunch, and they were a bit late. James and Peter had already been there.
“Sorry, we’re late. Moony was helping me finish my Charms essay.” Sirius grinned and slid into the seat beside James.
“Did you finish it then?” James asked.
“Nope!” Sirius winked. James laughed. Remus sighed.
“I tried, but someone couldn’t pay attention.” Sirius laughed easily and smiled at Remus. Remus looked away to hide his smile. James looked down.
For James, Quidditch was his life and soul. He would be nothing without it. He lived, laughed, and loved Quidditch. He was a terrific Chaser, and it was well known that he would be scouted after Hogwarts. He was the youngest student to become captain, Frank Longbottom was the last Captain and he gave James the captaincy after he graduated. James was going into his 6th year. Captains were typically 7th years. He was the youngest captain in over a decade. He knew others on the team were resentful of this. He didn't blame them. Everyone had expected Frank to choose Mary as his successor, including James. It came as a shock to the whole team. James knew that Mary and the other two 7th years were distrustful of his capabilities as captain.
Gryffindor was preparing to play Slytherin. They played hard, and they played dirty. Not to mention they had one of the best Seekers that James had seen in a decade (He would know). Regulus Black was one of the best, best, best Seekers James had ever even heard of if he was being honest. He was incredible, no one ever caught the Snitch when playing against him. It was always his game. James was nervous. He didn’t want to lose his first match as Captain.
Mary yelled at James, really, really yelled at him. They’d lost 234-198. They were winning, for a time, then Regulus perfectly timed his catch to a score for Slytherin and they’d won. There was nothing James could have done, but it still stung. She was a year above him, and knew much more than him, Frank should have made her captain instead of him. He knew it, his team knew it, and she knew it. He would make Gryffindor a laughingstock. And unless he quit Quidditch, they would be stuck with him until he graduated. A Quidditch captain could only pass down their captaincy in an instance of Graduation, or if they quit Quidditch all together. Most figured that the captaincy would pass from Frank to Mary. She would graduate this year, and now she would never get the chance to be captain.
“This is my last year! Marlene and I will never have another chance to win the cup, and now we lost our first game! -” Mary exclaimed, upset.
“Mary... it's not his fault. We all need to practice more. We will do better next time alright?” Marlene jumped in.
“I’m sorry Mary.” James said. She sighed. She inhaled deeply and James could tell she regretted yelling.
“No, I shouldn’t have yelled like that-”
James smiled at her a bit.
“It’s alright, I understand.” Mary nodded and left.
Marlene started to say something, but James just walked away. The boys’ showers should be empty by now, and he could wallow in peace. He walked in, dragging his feet. He sat down on a bench, head in his hands. He had to get it together. He couldn’t let Moony or Wormy or Padfoot know about what Mary said. He didn’t want to hear their version of the same conversation. He felt the pressure build up in his chest. It grabbed onto his lungs, squeezing harder and harder. He inhaled as much air as he could, trying to breathe. James pressed his eyes closed in anger. He hated the wet tears he could feel. He shouldn’t be crying, Mary is the one who is upset. He ruined her last first game. He had two years left, Mary only had this one. He needed to fix this for her.
“Potter? Are you pouting? Sore from your loss?” A slightly familiar voice asked. James shook his head. He pulled at the collar of his robes, trying to stop that awful choking feeling. The neck of his top was just too tight. That was all. It was silent for a beat.
“Do-Would you like me to get my brother?” Oh, Regulus. He shook his head frantically. He couldn’t let Sirius see him like this. James didn’t freak out. James Potter was a rock. A rock that never broke or cracked. He was solid, solid enough for Sirius and Remus and Peter to lean on while they glue their pieces back together. He just had to breathe, then he could fix it. Fix this.
“Lupin then?” James shook his head again. No. No one could see him.
“I’m fine.”
Regulus scoffed.
“Clearly not, you’re freaking out in the locker room. That does not equate to fine.”
James wiped his eyes and stood up quickly. A cocky smile hid his shaky breathing.
“I’m perfectly fine Reggie, am I to think that you would concern yourself with me and what I’m feeling now? Do you care about me?” James cooed.
Regulus scoffed, appalled.
“You’re insufferable.”
“Aweee, Reggie-”
“Do not call me that. My name is Regulus Arcturus Black and I am the heir to the most Noble and Ancient house of Black and you shall address me as such.” He snapped. James twitched an eyebrow.
“How posh, an heir.” Regulus curled his lip up.
“Enough of your nonsense.” Regulus rolled his eyes.
James breathed better. He knew how to do this. Arguing with Regulus was like second nature. He could do that, it was easy to do that.
The room was silent for a few seconds.
“What have you been up to?” James began, Regulus looked at him coldly.
James was stupid.
So, stupid.
Regulus turned swiftly on his heel and left the locker rooms.
Sirius talked and talked about the match at dinner, James did not contribute much to the conversation. He could feel Remus watching him, and he could see Mary still down about the match, how lovely.
Finally, it was time for the Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw match and James was prepared. He’d woken up at 5am everyday for the past 3 weeks and gone for a run, he signed for use of the pitch whenever he could. He tried to have it at least once a day. After full team practice, he practiced individually until he could hardly keep his eyes open. He trained and trained and trained.
Gryffindor won, 0-257.
Mary looked satisfied. James was exhausted. He’d never flown so hard or so fast. He’d had to intercept every Quaffle that Ravenclaw hit before it got near the goal, despite not being a keeper, then he had to score. Towards the end of the match, people were chanting his name. He felt good, so good. He did it, now they won.
After his shower, he was walking back up to the castle. The girls were walking a little ahead of him. He was not an eavesdropper by any means, but he couldn’t help but overhear some of their conversation.
“-least you won right?”
“-such a showoff, never any chance for the rest of us”
“-that's Potter for you”
Oh.
All of the good feelings he’d had about the game left in a flash. He supposed they were right; he’d been showing off. He didn’t mean to make himself better than anyone, he had next year to do that.
The after party didn’t feel much like a party. People came and congratulated him, and James just drank and tried to forget about it. James felt the fuzz enter his brain by his 7th?8th?9th? Drink. He was in a bad mood, but it brightened when he saw a familiar face in the corner.
“Aha! My favorite Heir! Have you come to congratulate me on my fantastic win!” James slid onto the sofa beside Regulus, who turned an angry red. James was angled towards Regulus on the sofa, the cushions tilting them towards each other.
"You wish, if anything I have come for the free drinks. I'm not even supposed to speak to you." Regulus scoffed. James laughed a bit.
"It's alright, we can keep the real reason between us." He winked and Regulus rolled his eyes.
James smiled; his bad mood completely forgotten. It was easier to sit here with Regulus. Nothing was expected of him here. He could just be. He didn't have to laugh or yell. He didn't have to be silent either. There were no expectations, no reason for any explanations. It was a break from everything and everyone.
"PRONGS!! OI PRONGS WHERE ARE YOU?" Sirius yelled from the other side of the room.
All things come to an end eventually.
"See you, Reggie!" James hopped up and ran off. Regulus glared as he went.
"It's Regulus." He muttered.
But James was already gone.
The next morning was one of headaches and cleaning. Lily refused to allow the house elves to clean up after his parties. So, while everyone else slept, James had to pick it all up and fix the common room. No one else helped, even if someone else threw the parties. It was James’ job. He got it done pretty easily, but it definitely left him exhausted the next day. That's why he only threw parties on the weekends, but sometimes someone else would throw one on a Monday night or a Sunday night, it was miserable having to go to classes that exhausted. It’s not like anyone else would clean though, so it was his responsibility. He had to show Lily that he could commit to something and follow through. He wasn’t just careless and arrogant.
James slept late into the afternoon after he finished cleaning. He slept off his hangover thanks to Merlin, then he went down to the Great Hall for a late lunch. He ate quickly, since lunch was about to close. Then he headed to the library. His Transfiguration essay was due the upcoming Tuesday and he needed a quiet place where he could finish writing it. He didn’t need any books to write it, but he put one open on his table so it didn’t look suspicious. He wrote quickly, James had always been adept at writing. It was easy, he knew everything about the topic and could make his points go together without trying. He was already about 3 inches done, his goal was 14, the requirements only said 6-7 inches, but James felt he was already at an advantage with his memory, so he had to do extra. If not, then that was basically cheating. Lily and Remus would kill him if they knew he was a cheater. By his 10th inch, he felt someone sit on the other side of him.
“Are you very knowledgeable about the four branches of transfiguration then?”
“Somewhat.”
He looked over at Regulus, who was staring at him with a raised brow.
“The book pages have been flipped around by the wind multiple times and you haven’t noticed. You haven’t consulted your book once, is it just for show then?” James glanced at the book in front of him and noticed he was right. James shrugged.
“I suppose I am somewhat confident with my understanding of the topic.”
“You are. Why the book if it's not needed then?” James bristled.
“Why talk to me if you aren’t supposed to?” Regulus blinked.
“You’ve been bugging me for the past few days, I supposed that I'd return the favor.”
James’ cold attitude left in an instant. A smile fell over his face.
“You aren’t bugging me Reggie. I’m thrilled that you decided to seek me out, did you miss me perhaps?” James winked. Regulus rolled his eyes. James grinned. Regulus didn’t deny that statment.
“Shut up and finish your essay.” Regulus scolded him.
By the time James had finished his essay, it was 16 inches long. Regulus had been working on his charms essay, and it was 12 inches. Regulus looked over at James.
“Do you enjoy writing?” James ducked his head in a nod.
“Do you?” He asked.
Regulus nodded. Before he could say anything, they heard voices.
Lily, Marlene, Mary, and Peter.
They spoke in hushed whispers. James knew Peter had a huge crush on Mary. He was pleased to see them spending time together.
“-They are all so rowdy. I can never get a bit of work done around them. Especially James, he's great, but sometimes he just doesn't know when to stop.” Peter sighed. James felt slightly nauseous.
“That's rude Peter.” Marlene chided. Peter sighed. As if this was all simply so inconvenient to have to explain.
“It's not rude if it's true. I'm sure most would agree with me. I’m not saying that out of malice. I love James, but sometimes he makes it really hard for me to like him.”
James grabbed his bag and left. He had heard enough. He just needed some fresh air. He just needed some air.
Peter and James rarely argued, but when they did it was hateful. For someone as quiet as Peter, he sure went out of his way to win in a fight. Peter felt he was at a disadvantage. James knew there was some harbored resentment, that Peter felt to be the butt of the jokes. He thought he was the joke. James didn’t really know when this ideology was implemented into his mind, but now that it was placed James found it to be irremovable.
Most of James’ friends now were friends he’d made when he was much younger. They were friends he’d made at an age where kids were all annoying, when they didn’t really care about personality, just about fun. James was an exciting child. He didn’t follow the rules or listen. He did what he wanted and ultimately took the blame for any misdeeds. Kids liked that. They liked breaking the rules and having someone else get in trouble. Now, all of those friends stayed with him out of obligation. They’d known him too long to get rid of him, and he still always took the blame. People needed a scapegoat, someone to blame when trouble came. James was okay with that. He didn’t like when his friends got in trouble, he’d prefer it when he was in trouble. It was easier that way, to come up with excuses for himself rather than everyone else. He would serve a hundred detentions so Sirius’ parents wouldn’t get an owl home.
Peter lived three houses down from James their entire lives. Peter’s house was the first place James could walk to all on his own. The first time they argued. Peter took off running down the path to a bridge. He told James if he didn’t apologize, he was going to run away from home. He would never come home to his family, or to James. So, James apologized for playing with Peter’s favorite action figure.