regulus
“But I cut people out like tags on my clothing. I end up all alone but I still keep hoping”
People thought Regulus was cruel, and he was. There was no way around that. Regulus was cruel and mean and vindictive. He enjoyed being feared and he enjoyed being mean. People don’t expect kindness if you never show any from the start, and Regulus already had too many expectations weighing him down. Expectations that should never have been his, they were Sirius’, always for Sirius. Then Sirius left, and everything fell to him. He enjoyed being mean, he enjoyed beating the expectations. He liked not disappointing anyone else. He was a Black, an heir. The expectations that came with being a Black, were the same as Narcissa, Andromeda, and Bellatrix. While Sirius blew those expectations out of the water, that didn’t mean he had to throw everything away. He wasn’t so foolish as to ignore his privileges, he knew he was lucky to be a Black. He knew that.
Regulus enjoyed setting the record straight, he was a Slytherin. Just like he was supposed to be. Sirius was not the proof of redemption for the Black family, he was a mutation. A fluke. Regulus had grown up being second best, he was the spare. He would only be needed if Sirius was compromised. When Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor, he’d been happy at first. Happy because he knew that he was a Slytherin. Which was what their parents wanted, which meant he’d finally one-upped Sirius. Or was it the other way around? Sirius managed to leave the entire wizarding world in absolute shock, he practically made history. When their era would be transcribed by historians Regulus would be nothing but a footnote. He could see it now. ‘Sirius Black, the first of Black family to be a Gryffindor. After his disownment the heirship was passed onto his younger brother Regulus. Sirius Black was disowned in 1976…’ Sirius was the one everyone talked about. Not Regulus, and it was foolish to think otherwise. And with Sirius [now] disowned, he’d lost the only thing that made it worth being second best, his freedom. So, it was safe to say that he hated Sirius. He hated him for being first born, for being better, for messing it up, for leaving, for putting it all on him, but most of all he hated Sirius because big brothers don't leave their little brothers in a house with cruel parents. Well, at least that's how books made it seem. Regulus supposed that big brothers do leave their little brothers like that, after all Sirius left him.
So, Regulus became cruel. That was the way he had to be, to avoid punishment, to avoid disapproval. Then, Sirius hated him. Sirius always hated cruelty, it's one of the reasons he hated their parents so much. Regulus hated him for it. Because how dare he hate Regulus for how he chooses to survive? Sirius survived by leaving, and Regulus survived by staying. He played their games and played the part.
Playing his part did not involve James Potter, so what on earth was he doing? Regulus hated James Potter almost as much as he hated Sirius. Almost. James Potter took his brother, and then kept him. It was bad enough when all Sirius wrote about in his first year was James bloody Potter. It was bad enough when all he could talk about that whole summer was how excited he was to see James Potter again. That was when Regulus really knew he lost Sirius. Sirius had found a new brother that wasn't as weak as regulus, that didn't need as much. He saw there was a world outside of the dark walls of 12 Grimmauld Place, he saw a world outside of Regulus, and he saw a brother that could protect himself. A new brother that had parents who he didn’t need to be protected from. It was easier with James and harder with Regulus. James reminded him of new, better things. All Regulus would ever be was a reminder of Walburga and Orion Black and the curses that shot out of their wands. Regulus looked in the mirror and understood, he would leave him too.
Regulus had been around the aftereffects of cruelty his entire life. He heard it in the screams from Sirius while his mother shot curse after curse. He heard it in the tears of the first years after Snape and Mulciber got annoyed with them. And he saw it on James Potter’s face in the library while they listened to his ‘friends’ speak of how useless and worthless he was.
He didn't know why he kept going back to James Potter. There was just something about the boy that made you want to follow him, and maybe he understood Sirius a bit more than he did before. James Potter was warm, he was blindingly bright and to boys who had only ever known cold, James Potter was a drug, and they were the addicts. James gave love like it was nothing more valuable than tiny stones found on the ground. He gave and gave and gave, he picked it up and handed it around. It didn’t have to be earned or bought; it was just given. Regulus had never known love like that, he doubted anyone in his family had-maybe Andromeda, but it was questionable. When he was around James, it was easy to understand why Sirius left him. James was inherently better; he was just good without even having to make the choice. James was the sun and the wind, pulling and pulling and pulling. A lighthouse leading to the right direction, Sirius was the ship, eager to go in any direction, and Regulus was the anchor. Always holding back, dragging him down. Regulus would have chosen James too.
Sometimes he wondered about it, what would have happened if he got James first. If James saw him before Sirius. Other times he thought about what would have happened if neither of them found James at all. He knew what would happen there at least, all ships crash when they have nowhere to go. They run themselves ragged trying to find a safe port. They sink, especially when they have an anchor weighing them down, refusing to let go.
In the end, it didn’t really matter how cruel Regulus was [or wasn’t], he couldn’t be Sirius’ brother. Not really. Nothing he did could ever fix their ruined relationship. Maybe he started talking to James to figure out why. Why Sirius could pick this person he hardly knew over him, his brother, someone he’d known his whole life. Regulus had known Sirius longer than he’d known himself. Sirius had always been there, and now Regulus didn’t really know how to live in a world where he wanted nothing to do with him. Regulus didn’t really know how to live without Sirius, he never learned how. He never thought he would have to learn. James was nice and wonderful and lovely. He was kind and bright, but he wasn’t Sirius. It wasn’t fair to James for Regulus to pretend he could fit in the mold that Sirius left behind. No one could fit it that hollow.
Then there was that something about James. The same something that made him want to shed all his morals and take a leap. To leave behind the Black family name and expectations and just go. To find Sirius and beg, beg on his knees for him to give him love again. To be his brother again. Regulus wanted that. He needed it, really. He knew his mother set up his initiation. By the end of Christmas break he would be a Death Eater, not that he wasn’t practically already there. He already was one, in all but name. He played his part well. People thought Regulus was cruel, and he was.
Regulus sat at dinner thinking. Barty Crouch sat to his left, and Evan Rosier sat to his right. He despised their company a lot less than the others who wanted to spend time with him. Namely Mulciber, Snape, and Avery. While Mulciber and Avery were purebloods and were supposed to be around him, Snape was a miserable little half-blooded wannabe. He wished he could hate Muggleborns and be a death eater, yet he was in love with Lily Evans. He followed Mulciber and Avery around, doing their bidding and practicing the dark arts. It was pathetic. Snape was pathetic. Regulus hated him.
Regulus thought a lot about his mother, and his family duties. What would happen if he deflected. Not that he would ever seriously consider such a thing but thinking of all of the possible ‘What ifs’ were a curse. His parents would be punished most likely, they would search for him. If they found him, they would kill him. Kreacher- oh he couldn’t leave Kreacher. He would have to free him to save him from his parents' anger. Or they would kill him too. Despite what most people thought of him, he wasn’t completely heartless. He cared about certain things [people] in moderation. Kreacher happened to be someone he cared about, to a certain extent. It was hard to determine where the line was. He cared about Kreacher, but if it came down to his life or his own, he would choose himself. He cared, significantly more, about Sirius. Which made a ‘him or me’ situation much harder. The honorable thing to say would be that he would put Sirius over himself, but it was a personal opinion of his that Sirius had already escaped many hardships. He had a knack for being able to get out of things. Regulus didn’t. And no one ever tried to help him escape anything either. So, he would probably choose himself once more. Regulus had yet to find a person he cared about more than himself (lie lie lie), yes, he would feel some modicum of guilt or regret if this strange ‘him or me’ situation ever did happen, which he doubted.
The idea of regretting something that serious left Regulus feeling rather ill. He had regretted very few things in his life, even the thought of regretting something he could not undo left him feeling uneasy. He shifted in his seat, Barty glanced at him. A questioning look on his face. Regulus shook his head. Barty shrugged and went back to his food. For a fleeting moment, Regulus wondered if James shrugged Sirius off when he seemed upset. Probably not. James would probably stop everything and ask Sirius what was wrong. He would probably do everything he could do- and then more- to make Sirius feel better. He shouldn't compare Barty to James. That would be like comparing a mouse to an eagle. Comparing an icicle to the summer heat. You couldn’t compare them, one would always outweigh the other. One would always win. And it wouldn't be the mouse, or the icicle, or Barty.