Chapter 3
TUESDAY 24TH JANUARY - Regulus
[Stranger]
(06:30) Stranger: Morning Handstand-man!
(06:36) Handstand-man: Why tf are you awake this early?
(06:36) Stranger: Practice!
(06:36) Handstand-man: How? Slytherin booked the pitch today?
(06:37) Stranger: So you’re on the footy team?
(06:37) Handstand-man: No, it’s a well known fact.
(06:37) Stranger: That’s incorrect, actually only the team members know when the pitch is being used, and the rest of the house don’t want to wake up at 5am to go look.
(06:37) Stranger: So
(06:37) Stranger: Are you on the team?
(06:37) Handstand-man: Hate your guts.
(06:37) Stranger: No you don’t, and I’ll take that as a yes.
(06:38) Handstand-man: Blocking you.
(06:38) Stranger: Please, don’t. My friends all suck
(06:38) Handstand-man: Should’ve been sorted into Slytherin, then!
(06:38) Handstand-man: Enjoy your breakfast, Stranger.
(06:39) Stranger: You too Handstand-man
————
[The Schuyler Sisters]
(06:40) ReggieLass: Barty, Evan. I need help.
(06:40) BartSimpson: How can we assist you, your highness.
(06:40) EvanHansen: How may we be of service?
(06:40) ReggieLass: I might like someone
(06:40) BartSimpson: Like, like them or like them like them?
(06:41) ReggieLass: What.
(06:41) EvanHansen: Romantic stylez or in a friendly way
(06:41) EvanHansen: Cause one of those is gonna be a problem
(06:41) ReggieLass: Which one?
(06:42) BartSimpson: Friendly way cause we’re your only friends
(06:42) ReggieLass: I have other friends.
(06:42) EvanHansen: Who?
(06:42) EvanHansen: And don’t say Pandora or Dorcas because that’s my sister and someone you were forced to become friends with growing up.
(06:42) ReggieLass: I was forced to be friends with you as well, Evan.
(06:43) ReggieLass: But another friend would be the person I was about to tell you about.
(06:43) BartSimpson: Oh shit
(06:43) BartSimpson: They put you in the friend zone?
(06:43) BartSimpson: Who are we killing today!
(06:43) ReggieLass: I don’t know his name.
(06:43) EvanHansen: How are we meant to get Pan to curse him?
(06:44) ReggieLass: Don’t?
(06:44) BartSimpson: Boring. Anything that you know about him?
(06:44) ReggieLass: Year above us, Gryffindor, Firstname is James, might be on the football team.
(06:44) EvanHansen: God no
(06:45) BartSimpson: Lord save us
(06:45) EvanHansen: You like James Fucking Potter
(06:45) BartSimpson: Theeee WORST person in this whole school to have a crush on
(06:45) ReggieLass: I don’t have a crush on him, guys. And it might not be James Potter.
(06:45) BartSimpson: Who else would it be?????
(06:46) BartSimpson: Someone called James who’s a Gryffindor and on the football team?
(06:46) BartSimpson: That’s James fucking Potter through and through
(06:46) EvanHansen: No denying it now Reg
(06:46) ReggieLass: Shit, it is Potter isn’t it.
(06:47) BartSimpson: He’s also the worst romantic ever
(06:47) BartSimpson: Evans is constantly rejecting him
(06:47) BartSimpson: Did you see him before Christmas when he started serenading her at dinner?
(06:47) BartSimpson: Fucking hilarious mate
(06:47) ReggieLass: He likes Evans?
(06:48) EvanHansen: Since like his second year
(06:48) EvanHansen: In the loveliest way possible, he probably doesn’t like you back
(06:48) BartSimpson: He’s probably straight as well
(06:48) ReggieLass: If you’re just gonna berate me on my crush I’m leaving
(06:49) EvanHansen: You literally can’t leave it’s a group chat?
*ReggieLass left the chat*
*BartSimpson added ReggieLass to the chat*
(06:50) BartSimpson: So it’s a crush now?
*ReggieLass left the chat*
*EvanHansen added ReggieLass to the chat*
*ReggieLass left the chat*
*BartSimpson added ReggieLass to the chat*
(06:51) ReggieLass: Die. <3
————
[Stranger]
(08:42) Handstand-man: I know who you are.
(08:42) Stranger: Yeah?
(08:42) Handstand-man: James - you definitely have a middle name, but I don’t know it - Potter.
(08:43) Stranger: I actually do have a middle name, and that’s not it
(08:43) Handstand-man: So you’re not denying it?
(08:43) Stranger: Why would I?
(08:43) Stranger: It’s always nice to meet a fan
(08:43) Stranger: Especially from the Slytherin quidditch team
(08:43) Stranger: Which I’m equally confused abt because there’s no fourth year boys on the team
(08:44) Stranger: Well except Rosier and I’ll go out on a limb and say that that’s not you
(08:44) Handstand-man: I’m not a fan!
(08:44) Stranger: You sure did your homework on me
(08:44) Handstand-man: I didn’t even do it, I presented the facts to my friends and they told me that it was probably James Potter.
(08:44) Stranger: So your friends are fans? Tell them I do autographs ;)
(08:45) Handstand-man: Sorry, I just need to go drown myself in the lake because James Potter just sent me a winky emoji.
(08:45) Stranger: You can’t swim? Red flag
(08:45) Handstand-man: My brother tried to teach me but I’d rather drown than listen to him teach me something.
(08:46) Stranger: Don’t drown :(
(08:46) Handstand-man: I’ll try, no promises.
(08:46) Stranger: So what subject are you in now?
(08:47) Handstand-man: Chemistry.
(08:47) Stranger: Exciting
(08:47) Stranger: I’m in Systems Architecture
(08:47) Handstand-man: No way, James Potter takes Systems Architecture?
(08:48) Handstand-man: Now that is shocking.
(08:48) Stranger: I’ll have you know that Professor Vector thinks I am a top student
(08:48) Stranger: A pleasure to have in the class
(08:48) Handstand-man: That I find hard to believe.
(08:49) Stranger: How has Slughorn not caught you on your phone yet?
(08:49) Stranger: Man has some mad catching-people-on-their-phones skills
(08:50) Handstand-man: I’m his favourite so he usually turns a blind eye.
(08:50) Stranger: That is SO unfair wht?
(08:50) Stranger: Swear he makes a habit out of catching me and my friends on our phones!
(08:50) Handstand-man: I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again.
(08:50) Handstand-man: You should’ve been sorted into Slytherin.
(08:50) Stranger: Low-key high-key middle-key convinced to swap if I could have less detentions from Slughorn
(08:50) Stranger: No joke
(08:50) Stranger: Not click bait
(08:51) Handstand-man: You’re an idiot sometimes, Potter.
(08:51) Stranger: Thank you <33333
(08:51) Handstand-man: Slughorn’s doing a demo now.
(08:51) Stranger: Talk to you laterrrrrrr Mystery-man
(09:12) Handstand-man: Mystery man?
(09:13) Stranger: Handstand-man is too long to type
*Stranger changed a name*
(09:13) MysteryMan: And MysteryMan is shorter?
(09:13) Stranger: You’re right
(09:13) Stranger: You should probably tell me your name so I can change it
(09:13) MysteryMan: In your dreams, Potter.
(09:13) Stranger: See you there ;)
(09:13) MysteryMan: Lord, help me.
(09:14) Stranger: Jirsnok
(09:14) MysteryMan: …
(09:16) MysteryMan: Alright then.
————
[The Schuyler Sisters]
(09:17) ReggieLass: It’s Potter.
(09:17) BartSimpson: I’m actually sobbing bricks help
(09:17) EvanHansen: BAHAHAHA
(09:17) ReggieLass: You guys are so unsupportive.
(09:18) BartSimpson: :)
(09:18) EvanHansen: He’s also best mates w/ your brother
(09:18) EvanHansen: Sirius is gonna be so pissed that you’re in love w/ Potter
(09:18) ReggieLass: No, because we’re not going to be telling him.
(09:18) BartSimpson: Ten quid says Sirius hates them both by the end of the school year
(09:18) EvanHansen: Done
(09:18) EvanHansen: As if Sirius could hate Potter
(09:19) BartSimpson: He could if he’s dating his brother
(09:19) EvanHansen: It’s low key giving Victorious
(09:19) BartSimpson: Bet Potter is streaming Best Friend’s Brother non stop on Spotify
(09:19) BartSimpson: I can see this as a fan fiction
(09:20) EvanHansen: I bet Pettigrew wrote it
(09:20) EvanHansen: You know he has a Wattpad acc where he writes fits about the teachers
(09:20) BartSimpson: Send the link now
(09:20) EvanHansen: Wow, aggressive
*EvanHansen has sent a link*
(09:20) ReggieLass: Wow, these are horrifying.
(09:21) ReggieLass: The Snape x Slughorn one has 127 chapters. What the fuck?
(09:21) EvanHansen: Reg, you need to use abbreviations
(09:21) EvanHansen: It’s wtf, not what the fuck
(09:21) BartSimpson: And you need to stop putting punctuation in ur texts
(09:21) EvanHansen: Use emojis as well
(09:21) ReggieLass: Are you guys really trying to teach me how to text?
(09:22) ReggieLass: I am not a dry texter, guys.
(09:22) BartSimpson: Yes u r
(09:22) EvanHansen: Bart’s right btw
(09:22) ReggieLass: Bugger off.
(09:22) ReggieLass: Oh this is golden.
(09:22) BartSimpson: What?
(09:23) ReggieLass: Have you guys heard of ‘Partyvan’?
(09:25) EvanHansen: No no no no
(09:25) BartSimpson: What the absolute fuckety fuck?
(09:25) EvanHansen: OMLL
(09:25) ReggieLass: What?
(09:26) EvanHansen: Barty’s phone just confiscated while he was on a Partyvan tab
(09:26) ReggieLass: I’m actually dissolving!
(09:26) EvanHansen: Yeah and Pettigrew is in our physics as well
(09:27) EvanHansen: We’ve really got to teach you how to text Reg
(09:27) ReggieLass: Shut your gob, Rosier.
(09:27) EvanHansen: Not very nice
————
[Stranger]
(11:01) Stranger: Did you hear what happened in physics this morning
(11:01) MysteryMan: The thing with Barty?
(11:01) Stranger: Yeah did you know
(11:02) MysteryMan: Kind of, Barty was texting me while he was reading it.
(11:02) Stranger: He was reading it like not as a joke?
(11:02) MysteryMan: Evan put him up to it, as a joke I think. But between us - and I mean I will slit your throat in the night if you tell - I think Barty’s got a thing for Evan.
(11:02) Stranger: My lips are sealed
(11:03) Stranger: Did he write it or did he find it online
(11:03) MysteryMan: Oh, shit. You don’t know?
(11:03) Stranger: Know what?
(11:03) MysteryMan: Pettigrew wrote that. He’s got a secret Wattpad account where he writes fan fictions about our school.
(11:03) Stranger: Wth?
(11:03) Stranger: Hang on I’m sitting next to him I’m asking
(11:04) Stranger: Hes gone bright red
(11:04) MysteryMan: XD
(11:04) Stranger: 2020 called they want their emoji back
(11:04) MysteryMan: Well sorry, I’ve been told I need to be a non-dry texter, and I need to start using emojis.
(11:04) MysteryMan: And stop putting punctuation in my texts.
(11:05) MysteryMan: But my mother would be rolling in her grave if she knew I wasn’t using proper grammar.
(11:05) Stranger: Oh shes dead? I’m sorry
(11:05) MysteryMan: Eh, it’s fine. Didn’t like her much anyway.
(11:05) Stranger: I’m still sorry, that must’ve been hard losing her
(11:06) MysteryMan: Is James Middle-name Potter being nice to me? Sympathetic even? I am shocked!
(11:06) Stranger: Would you say that Im not nice all the time?
(11:06) MysteryMan: What would you do if you saw Severus Snape walking down the corridor?
(11:06) Stranger: Nothing I’d say hello! :D
(11:07) MysteryMan: Who are you and what have you done with James Potter?
(11:07) Stranger: Offensive
(11:07) Stranger: Maybe I’d say something to him
(11:07) MysteryMan: Like you did yesterday?
(11:08) MysteryMan: “Oi, Snivellus!” James yells, tossing a dead rat at Snape’s face, hitting him in the ear, “looks just like you!” James and the rest of his cult dissolve into laughter, as Lily Evan’s sends them daggers from her eyes from the other side of the classroom.
(11:08) MysteryMan: Sound familiar?
(11:09) Stranger: You could be an author
(11:09) Stranger: Maybe that was bad
(11:09) Stranger: But he did kind of deserve it
(11:10) MysteryMan: I’m not saying he didn’t, because I’m sure he did. Severus Snape is an arsehole. But maybe find other alternatives to throwing a corpse at him?
(11:10) Stranger: Maybe I will
(11:10) Stranger: We sound like we’re on The Next Step help
(11:11) MysteryMan: Sometimes I wonder what goes through your mind before you text me.
(11:11) Stranger: I think teeheehee then I click send
(11:11) Stranger: Ooh Angel number as the time it means help is coming
(11:11) MysteryMan: You believe in angel numbers?
(11:11) Stranger: Mate got me into them
(11:12) Stranger: What’s urs
(11:12) MysteryMan: 333
(11:12) Stranger: Cool
(11:12) Stranger: Mine’s 111
(11:13) MysteryMan: That’s interesting.
(11:13) Stranger: How
(11:13) MysteryMan: I’m going to my locker before class starts, goodbye Stranger.
(11:14) Stranger: Bye, MysteryMan.
————
[The Schuyler Sisters]
(12:02) ReggieLass: This is bad.