let me go, hold me close

Things weren't going so well.

It felt more like he was in purgatory.

Perhaps he had been reborn into hell, and it had just taken time for it to kick in.

He regrets every action regarding Tom, every thought, every effort. (Does he?)

Yes!

Things had taken such a terrible turn, he wonders if perhaps there may be more to boarding another train? Nope!!! Not that! No need to open that particular can of worms again. He would die naturally, he wouldn't do that to his parents, it was completely unfair!! After all they'd done for him, in both worlds, in every world maybe, if it happened again—

Although, if it happened again he would definitely go mad.

He isn't allowed much time to devote to this new thought, as the source of his troubles appears. 

A gentle kiss placed on the corner of his mouth, a soft whispered "Harry" as a greeting, an arm that wraps around his waist, his own mirroring Tom in turn, their new normal.

He cannot help it. 

Infact. 

Shamefully.

Very shamefully actually—

Harry had started seeing Tom in a new light. One he hadn't expected at all, but he was a human after all, and he had needs. 

And Tom's mere smile was....something else.

It melted every worry when the boy was before him, no sense of right and wrong left.

Well, until a point. 

They had reached as far as kissing, before the feel of Tom's tongue was too much, before his thoughts were blending together, that mouth that had an original sweetness Harry hadn't found in previous partners. He shouldn't go any further, he cannot go any further. He won't!

It felt like an integral part of Tom's, this charm, the way it enticed Harry. The way it made him forget himself. The way it–

He stops any further continuation of this insistent spiral as he takes Tom's bag for the last time, walks him to the platform for the very last time. 

Not that Harry wouldn't be back, he was still Lily's apprentice, who was still the potions professor at Hogwarts, but Tom wouldn't be. 

The boy had no idea what to do after school either, although he still had his posse in Slytherin who would obey his every command. Some things never changed, even if some did. No more Borgin and Burkes for Tom, he already had the Locket after all. And the Ring, Morfin had died seemingly of natural causes almost a month ago. 

Pretty convenient, the timing, but Harry had refused to look too close. Sleeping dogs and all that.

They walk in silence to the train, arms around each other, when Harry sees minute movement up the road. A few small rocks tumble themselves out of the street, so discretely he would have missed it had he not been paying such close attention to everything except his thoughts.

He sneaks a look back at Tom and he can feel the magic from the boy, moving them out of his way from quite a few feet away. 

It is so bittersweet, to have Tom in this way. Harry has never felt so seen by another, so loved, so understood.

So aroused by such a simple act of caring, so—

Disgusted by himself!

How could he!

Well...

He shoves both arguments out of his mind before he spirals into that abyss again. Nothing ever came out of these thoughts except insomnia and madness.

Things were as they were, and all Harry had to do was prevent things from getting any worse. He could manage that, right? Right?

No.

Tom sits beside him, they have the compartment to themselves. His body is turned partly towards Harry, one leg swung across Harry's thigh, his face lit up as he talks about some realization he'd come to in his NEWTS exam about a seperate Arithmancy issue he'd been having. Something about enchanting a tattoo that could create a magical bond between wizards, the replication aspect had apparently been the troublesome part. However, Harry couldn't focus very much, the feel of Tom so close to him was causing... 

Something. 

He could feel his heart beat faster, Tom's leg brushing in a very—

The moving train wasn't helping. 

There was no escape. 

Absolute torture.

He feels himself start to harden, and nothing helps until he imagines the Marauders doing the dirty all together in their animal forms....well, three and one werewolf!

It is so disgusting a thought, he almost throws up in the back of his throat, but atleast he isn't aroused anymore!

Thank Merlin!

He refocuses on Tom's words. 

"......and the last question was the only one I had to really think about, so I was really done within the first hour."

"That's great Tom, I'm sure you got O's in all of them" he is graced with that sweet smile again. He can't help it! This has been his relationship with Tom from the start! Tom just had to go and mess it all up for Harry!

Not this again.

The train ride is curated torture, every second feels like an hour, that leg never moves from its place, and Tom even holds Harry's hand as he talks of Harry's upcoming birthday. 

"I know we'll be in France for your birthday with the world cup there this year, would you like to visit the muggle attractions while we're there? Paris is known as the city of love in the muggle world after all" 

Harry knows that already!

Also, he's not so sure about going to the Merlin-damned literal City of Love with Tom! 

For fucks sake!

Those eyes insist. Those lips get the slightest hint of a pout.

"Sure Tom, whatever you want to do", No! NO! Not whatever the fuck he wants, NOT WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS!

Honestly, why is he like this!

That smiles comes back, those eyes slip away as if in shyness! Why was he doing this to Harry!

Thankfully, the train slows down then, signaling their return to the platform, and they are greeted as usual by both his parents and even Sirius and Remus this time. 

One last time for Tom, how sweet. 

If nothing, he realises, he is glad he could provide Tom with a family that could show him genuine love and appreciation. 

Regardless of how things went.

Anything was better than Lord Voldemort!

The four of them envelop them both, a giant ball of human heads and limbs forming in the middle of the platform. Could they ever not be the center of attention when together? Harry doesn't think it possible.

They apparate home after, as usual, Tom leading them both to the library as they part from the parents. Too excited to do much more than research into this newfound insight. 

Harry takes this time to consider the actual consequences of Tom's research. He was planning on the Dark Marks again, but why? How would he bind them with the same loyalty when they knew he didn't believe in their blood prejudice. 

Although he was technically Lord Tom Gaunt now, having inherited the name and title after the passing of his only remaining family member, Morfin. 

It's possible he would go down that route again, but what about Lily? Harry? 

Would he?

He asks no such questions, keeping his musings for himself as he buries himself into his own textbook. Some obscure potions book his mother had found in a shop in Knockturn to help him further his own Potions research, not that he'd found an interesting enough topic yet. 

He still has three years before presenting for his Mastery at the Ministry. And it's not like he hadn't invented an original potion, it just wasn't good enough for Lily Evans' son, as she was still known in professional circles. He'll figure it out soon, right after Tom!

They lose themselves in reading for a good few hours, a much needed sweet relief from the relentless pursuit of his thoughts. Tom's new elf pops in as the sky darkens outside. "Dinner is being served, Masters" he bows low and pops back out. Not quite as comfortable as the Potter elves, but he would be soon, Harry hoped. It's what Hermione would want from him, no matter what world they were in.

What would Hermione think of him and Tom?

Nope! Not going there either. Ron, he doesn't even want to think about.

He counts from 1 to 78 by the time they reach the dining room, those thoughts still lightly swirling in the background. No!

He tries to focus intently on dinner, most of the conversation around him is missed. Tries to count every movement of his jaw, making sure to clear every crumb off his plate, brain still not fully functional.

It's only about to get worse, as he finds out. As he could expect with Tom. As he had learned to expect with Tom. 

They walk back to Harry's room after dessert, wishing everyone a goodnight as the actual adults continue with their drinking. 

He knows how much Tom detests loud drunk people around him, no matter that they were family. Harry could do without it too, honestly.

If only he'd known what a mistake he'd made. If only he'd stayed downstairs a little longer.

"So, will we move to Stone House or stay here for a bit?" Tom begins this new interrogation as soon as the door closes behind them. Stone House, the house Tom had bought for them to live. For Harry. 

He doesn't know what to say.

"Harry"

"Tom"

"What's wrong with it? We can stay here too, I don't mind."

"There's nothing wrong with it, Tom. I just, you know how I feel"

"It doesn't matter, it doesn't bother me. I don't care." The same words that always cut him off whenever he tries to have this conversation! Arguing with Tom was a pointless effort, and it always ended with Harry out of his mind, like clockwork. 

"You don't know what you're asking for, Tom."

He's angry every time they have this discussion, Harry knows. He always is, hates Harry's attempts at creating any distance. But he still doesn't know anything, really! And every time Harry attempts to bring anything up, he is always stopped with, 'Is this to try and change my mind about us?' Always! And the answer ofcourse is always a yes, he cannot tell Tom anything without telling him about Voldemort first! Absolute madness!

"Harry, you're the one who doesn't understand. I do know what I'm asking for. You. And I know you. I want you."

Will words like this ever stop having an effect. It doesn't feel like it.

Tom's honesty was also something else. To have someone so ardently devoted solely to him was an ego boost he hadn't expected to experience. Ever.

Madness!

He says nothing, as he tries to count again as he sits on the bed, slipping off his shoes and socks, chucking his robes to the carpet before he snuggled in to the pillow. 

His mind was spinning, unfocused, which is perhaps the main reason he doesn't notice as Tom climbs in beside him. 

He takes his usual place at Harry's shoulder, looking up at him with those dark brown eyes, a abyss of pitch black in the middle, another darkened ring around his irises. Tom's eyes made the whole 'brown eyes are boring' seem like a complete fallacy. Harry could literally see himself reflected in them this close, beautifully bright and sharp as they were. 

The mind behind them was brighter and sharper. 

He reaches out to stroke Tom's hair again, the boy closing his eyes for a second as he does. 

How can he deny himself this?

How can he allow himself this?

A rock and a hard place. 

Tom looks up at him once more. 

"Why don't you trust me? Why won't you?"

"That's not it Tom", why wouldn't the boy understand! "You should be out there with someone your own age, having fun! Not me, I am more than twice your age, you know that! You're so young Tom, you deserve more." The truth, not his first telling either. 

Tom's response is another repetition. "I want you. You want me. I deserve the best, you're right", he reaches out to stroke Harry's cheek with one hand. This boy! "And you are the best. So I'll have you, and I'll treat you the best. Harry", his name a plead. 

This boy—

He was still looking up at Harry from those eyes that hadn't left his own for one second. 

"Tom", he cannot help but smile. "One day you'll hear me out." 

He waits for that day as much as he dreads it. 

The day his and Tom's relationship would once more be changed, forever. This time in a permanent direction away from Harry.

He is certain, when he opens up about his tumultuous thoughts about Lord Voldemort, his imaginings of what had happened to his original world, Tom would require space to process. And there was a great chance of it being permanent space.

Everytime he thinks about it, he's sure it would be a permanent separation. The reason he himself hadn't insisted on Tom knowing, even as he attempts to bury that thought like it hadn't just filled him with apprehension.

Who is he, this person! Had he ever considered himself good! He should tell Tom right now, and all this could be over. 

And yet, what if Tom didn't care and decided to stay with him anyway. Then, there would be no chance at any separation at all. After the curtain had been drawn and Tom still chose him, then what?

Utter madness!

It is broken by Tom leaning forward to kiss his jaw lightly, before he asks, "What are you thinking about?"

"What you don't want to talk about", he offers with a light smile, his own fingers mirroring Tom's earlier movement on his cheek. 

Tom rolls his eyes and his smile can't help but grow. He was beautiful even in his mockery.

"I'd rather talk about what you don't want to talk about", he smiles cheekily at Harry as he moves his hand to rest lightly under Harry's shirt, his abdomen contracts slightly under this new sensation. 

"Tom"

"Harry"

"Tom"

"I don't understand, hasn't it been a long time since you were intimate with someone? I will try my best to make you feel good. Harry" 

Those eyes!

Why this again!

What terrible timing!

Those words coupled with that hand. And those eyes!

He was going crazy!

He reaches down to lightly peck Tom on the lips, in itself a rare occurrence, "Let's go to bed, it's getting late"

Hopefully that would end this. 

Instead, Tom's face gets reserved, losing that joy, and Harry's heart pangs. No! He hadn't meant to hurt him, just—

His throat builds up with pressure into words that never appear. What can he say. 

He reaches out to cover them both entirely with the blankets before he Noxes out his lamps and turns to let Tom get back into his earlier position.

An impulsive decision, he leans down to kiss Tom again, "I'm....it's not you, Tom, it's me. You are so beautiful Tom, I don't know why you'd even like me, but Tom, it's not you at all", the darkness makes it much easier. It's a little bit like talking to himself, even as his heart thuds, loud and quick in the silent room. 

"Believe me, if I had been seventeen and Tom Rid—" he stops, what!

Is he really talking about the idea of the real Lord Voldemort being interested in Harry at seventeen and Harry returning those affections?! What the hell, brain!

Tom's probably looking at him curiously at the abrupt pause, but it isn't evident in his voice, dark as it was in the room. "It doesn't matter how old you are Harry. I didn't know, and I wanted you, and then I did know, and I wanted you. And unless you accept things as they are, I don't want any reason as to why you think we'd be better apart." His voice has gotten louder with each word. 

Harry wraps his arms around his back, rubbing down his shoulder blade with one palm, the other holding him firm against Harry, an attempt at comfort.

"I accept things, Tom. I just—"

"That's the whole point, you just! You say that every sentence! Don't I make you happy, Harry? Isn't that what James said was the most important thing. I make you laugh, I make you smile. We talk, we have fun. I don't want anyone but you, and nothing will change that, Harry. "

He is calmer now, these words filled with conviction. Tom's arm wraps around him too, fingers curling up into his collarbone. 

"I understand, I accept", does he? 

Does he really?

More impulsiveness—

What the fuck was his problem!

"Do you, Harry?", he can hear Tom's smile in his voice at those words.

"Do I?" He is curious himself, what was Tom on about now to make him amused so suddenly. 

He finds out, as Tom leans in closer to his neck, lightly pressing a kiss there. 

Then another.

Then he feels a swipe of Tom's tongue, just barely grazing Harrys skin, and every part of him is now on high alert. 

"Tom—"

"You said you understood" 

"Tom" Merlin.

He does not stop. He moves further upwards, under Harry's ear, and his hand leaves Harry's shoulder to reach over, fingers twisting into the first button of his shirt.

"Tom!"

"Harry, please, I want this"

The words are so soft as he hides into Harry's neck further to say it, even in the dark, and yet—

What!

In Merlins name!

"Tom" he needs to think fast!

"I don't think it's right to do such a thing outside of a total commitment to another person, like marriage. I feel like it's important to save that for when you're fully bonded with another person", not his best attempt, and actually, in hindsight, probably his worst. 

Definitelyhis worst.

The beginning of the end!

"Is this your way of proposing, Harry Potter, because you are a bit lacking, honestly", Tom's words are a laugh. "But yes, it was always yes, ofcourse I will marry you. And you can carry me over the threshold and all that, if thats what you want, Mr Traditional!"

Merlin!

What has he done!

An awful terrible stupid idea that had once more ended in disaster for him and only him!

Out of the frying pan and into the fire, Harry Potter's personal motto that never ever seemed to fail him! 

Tom leans up to kiss his cheek this time, a light brush before he pulls away. "You'd better buy me a ring. And yesterday", he laughs again as he squeezes Harry with all of him.

Harry says nothing, just reaches up to brush Tom's hair lightly. 

He doesn't know what to say. 

"I will Tom, Goodnight"

"Goodnight Harry", he lets go and lays half on top of Harry in his usual way, hair tickling Harry's nose.

He is almost asleep when he hears Tom, "If the real reason you didn't want to have sex was marriage, you could've told me, you know. I would have eloped with you that very day....", he cannot reply as he's already asleep even as Tom continues further. 

A pity, his eyes won't stay open, he'd had had quite a bit of wine at dinner after all.

Waking up the next morning is—

Hard.

And wow, is that not the most ridiculous terrible pun he had ever thought of.

It's his hand under Tom's shirt this time, resting over his heart as Harry spoons him from behind.

He's rubbing back a little into Harry, which is certainly not helping, neither is Harry's own hand holding him in place. 

As he moves to turn around, Tom grinds into him more forcefully, with intent, a sign he's woken up by what had happened and he only seemed to encourage Harry.

His hips take a life of their own as he lets Tom continue rocking into him, their clothing creating a terrible friction which he couldn't decide if he loved or hated. 

Surely he needed to make this good for Tom too? Since it was already happening and there didn't seem to be a way for him to get out of it, even if he wanted to. (Which he doesn't want)

Another idea, and what was another stupid one in the already long list of them.

He moves his hand on Tom's chest lower slowly, waiting for any negative reaction, but Tom literally just arches into him more and tilts his head a little, allowing Harry to access more of him freely.

Harry is lost.

His hand reaches under Tom's bottoms just as his mouth reaches that skin. 

Tom makes a small surprised sound at this, but nothing else as he waits for Harry. Harry doesn't really have much experience in this either, but he'd only gotten himself off like a million times, how hard could it be. And kissing Tom was something he wanted to do all the time anyway, that skin was so soft, softer than his lips even, and it smelled delightful.

He breathes in deeply as he wraps his hand around Tom, a firm grip as thinks about the much needed lubricant. Years of practice definitely made perfect, as it magically coats his palms and fingers nicely, he starts off slow.

He's been paying less attention to himself, but this seems to make Tom push into him more, making Harry go crazier. 

He lets himself go as he wraps his other hand lightly around Tom's neck, grinding into him as his hand continued its movement. 

He could feel both of them as they almost reach the peak and he buries his head into Tom's neck again, his hand faster, his hips faster, his breath panting, the sheets a tangle around them.

They reach release at the same time, Tom just as affected as he is in the way his chest heaves, after.

Harry loosens his grip, sitting up as he vanishes their mess, conjuring up a glass with some water for Tom.

The boy says nothing as he holds the glass with both hands, eyes having never looked away from Harry since he turned towards him, after.

The glass covers most of his face as he holds it in front of him, not a word said between them. 

"Was that alright?" No, he doesn't need an ego boost, he just wants to make sure!

Tom's looks away for just a second before he looks back and nods, then turns back to the inside of the glass as if it held the secrets to the universe.

So fucking cute!

Oh!

So!

Now, he had really crossed all possible limits of who he considered himself to be.

He had stroked Tom to completion as he found his own, and then ensured it had been up to his liking. As if to provide feedback for any possible improvement next time—

Next time.

There's definitely going to be a next time, especially after Harry's stupid words he hadn't thought through fully. 

Marriage indeed!

Why was he such a terrible walking talking disaster? Why did this 'skill' transcend even worlds!! Why couldn't he think about the consequences of his actions for five fucking seconds before he jumped right in!

Where was Hermione to save him now!!!

He has to let go of these thoughts. 

He has to live this new life, as this new Harry, he realises slowly. 

He is Tom's Harry.

No more Lord Voldemort's Harry.

A different Harry in a different world.

One that had befriended the baby Dark Lord and was now going to be married to him to ensure he had a better future than his counterpart. 

It's what Harry had decided was his goal in this life from the start, after all. Well, from the time he felt something other than a suppressed depression.

That is it, that's the way to look at it, he decides as he considers this further. 

He is a new Harry, Tom's Harry, and it doesn't matter, like Tom said it didn't matter.

And he would tell Tom the truth anyway, after he'd married the boy, so Tom would know that Harry knew Him and Lord Voldemort were different people for Harry.

Harry could see that now.

And as sweet as Harry's Tom was, he deserved the world. He deserved everything and more! 

And if Harry was what he wanted, then this too, Harry would aim to provide in the fullest. He'd already planned on being close to Tom, this was simply just an escalation of that.

His mind made up, he reaches out for the glass from Tom, refilling it for himself before he vanishes it, turning to the boy. He opens his arms, waiting for Tom to understand without words. It doesn't take long. He holds him against himself again, face to face this time. Reaches out with his thumb to brush Tom's cheekbone as he considers his next words. 

"I will buy you a ring, maybe even today, Tom." That face turns expressionless once more, but Harry thinks he understands. "I understand, I accept. I am yours, no more 'just'", he emphasises that word with a smile.

Tom just looks at him and says nothing.

Harry can only wait for a few seconds before he reaches in to brush his lips against Tom's own. "I love you Tom, I'm yours, if you want me."

"Pinch me so I know I'm awake" says the boy, finally.

"You know you're awake, Tom", his tone is in jest, but he's serious.

This is real life, even if Tom doesn't understand the far reaching impact of this decision that Harry had taken on himself!

He would have to reconsider so many things about himself he had thought fundamental for all these years.

And yet. As intelligent as Tom was, he should be pretty sure about his own feelings about any potential romance with the rest of the people his age. And if he'd considered none but Harry, then he deserved a true chance, like he'd asked.

Harry would have to slowly identify and reconsider his inbuilt prejudices. About every aspect of this that he considered wrong. And there was so many of those.

It wouldn't be easy, but it was what Tom deserved. 

"Would you like to take a shower before breakfast?" Harry offers. "Yes"

"I'll bring you over a change of clothes from your room, but I'm sure there's a few fresh towels in there", as he gestures to the door of the bathroom.

He leaves Tom to do his thing as he walks into the boy's bedroom, picking out a matching robes set, considering how his future has changed entirely in the course of one night.

Permanently!

Unbelievable!

Utter madness!

Oh well—