let me go, hold me close

(Sometime in 1942)

As he blinks into consciousness, he's in Harry's bed, the boy curled up around him. Amazingly warm, as he always was. Tom usually ran cold, so he snuggles in further.

Many things come into focus then, but the most insistent is that hand. That arm that wraps around his waist, his shirt pushed up, palm against his moving abdomen, fingertips falling just a centimeter into the band of his pajamas. 

A new thought. 

As expected really, Harry had roused within him many emotions and wants, what was another to the list. 

He wanted that hand to reach in further. To grab him as he often did for himself in the mornings, a quick sweet release. Unless Harry wanted to take his time?—

Um!

Not the best time for a continuation of such surprising fantasies, precarious as his position is. If Harry woke up at this point, things would perhaps not progress as Tom hoped. 

And yet, there was an easy fix to that! 

He simply has to gauge Harry's responsiveness to this new turn Tom wanted their relationship to take. 

Unexpected though it was, he has willed himself anything he wanted, and this was top of the list from the moment of inception. 

(1944, Tom's last year at Hogwarts)

Thus began his efforts to this new goal. 

And what efforts they were!

Harry was entirely unexpected!

Two years of study, thought and plans, down the drain just like that!

There just wasn't a way to understand what Harry felt about him, beside the obvious ofcourse. 

He loved Tom.

Empirical fact at this point. 

However. 

It wasn't a romantic love. 

Or was it?

The hugs and kisses and cuddling they had shared painted a totally different picture to Harry's affront as he had rejected Tom's advances. 

"Why now?"

He hadn't said yes.

He had hurt Tom.

Hurt cruelly.

Unless he was blind?

Tom had gone so far as to speak to Lily about it. To confirm for himself he wasn't going crazy within.

He wasn't!

She had agreed and yet—

He couldn't understand it at all!

And then, the cherry on top of the shit pie he had been gifted for his seventeenth birthday, he and Harry weren't talking anymore.

Well, they were, but they weren't.

Tom had talked to his prefects longer.

And a lot of it was himself not talking to Harry, but how could he? Harry could really go to hell, Tom had nothing to say to him.

—And if all Harry wanted from him was politeness, and if he was happy with just that, if he wanted just that, then that's the Tom he would get—

If he couldn't understand Tom when Tom was attempting so earnestly for him to, then Tom would stop trying to explain.

No you can't, a voice suspiciously like James. It had appeared in his consciousness last summer and never left. You need to do and say the exact things you want to but you think you can't. The more embarrassment you feel at something, the higher the chances of it working for you. 

'Such is the mystery of love'

A phrase Tom hated hearing ,since James liked to use it to punctuate nearly all his advice and memories of his experience winning Lily over.

Such is the mystery of love.

Whatever the fuck that meant. 

James, however, was also pretty proficient at overpowering the pessimistic garbage of his inner thoughts about Harry. 

No! He would have Harry! There was no need to give up! He wouldn't give up, he would have Harry! Harry had him, after all. Harry had spent effort acquiring and keeping Tom, as he remembers.

All he had to do was return the favour. 

Harry just didn't understand! All of Them had assured Tom that Harry reciprocated him entirely. They were as surprised as he was at Harry's refusal, and yet, they had only helped strengthen Tom's resolve further.

It's okay Tom, maybe he just didn't think you'd like him too. Or maybe he hasn't thought about the two of you like that, but it doesn't matter. He loves you, and you love him. You'll end up together, I knew it from the start. A mix of James and Lily this time.

They are now his in-laws— 

He almost laughs out loud at the thought, but he's not alone. The girl and boy Malfoy sit beside him, studying his Arithmancy notes. A favour for a favour, it was quite handy just how proficient he was at all aspects of Magic. Even the mundane notes and homework, as half the connections he had to people was Tom lending them his notes. 

Which were thrmselves a mix of Lily's notes in her old textbooks, memories of Harry's commentary on the subject and Tom own findings and opinions. A perfect trifecta.

He is drawn out of his musings again, but this time it is a knock at his door. 

Who is answered by Harry. 

Drunk Harry as Tom can smell.

Really, he couldn't pinpoint any emotion he felt in this moment. Elation, fear, resentment, delight, anticipation, apprehension. 

Only Harry possessed the ability to tie him up so. To get his insides twisting in something Tom couldn't name. 

"Tom, hello." 

 "Hello? Are you alright Harry, it's late?"

 Why on Earth is he here greeting Tom with that smile as if nothing has changed between them. Why did he say Tom's name with such ease, as if—

"I'm fine Tom. Totally alright. Could we talk?" 

That earlier feeling only intensifies. 

Talk?

Did Harry get drunk to talk about the kiss?

To reject Tom in harsher words?

To say yes? But drunk? Why?

Anticipation and apprehension.

He opens the door further, silently signaling the Malfoys to leave. 

"What would you like to talk about?"

Could be anything, there's no reason to start worrying yet.

"I think you've misunderstood me, Tom. Maybe if you let me explain.."

Well, this is new. Misunderstood what exactly? The way Harry had stilled at Tom's actions. The way he had not returned it in the least? 

The way he had drawn into himself and shook as his breathing became faster and erratic?

The way he had used words of love and yet for the first time, his actions didn't match up?

What could Harry explain in words that his actions didn't already show Tom?

Please explain, he says to Harry, hoping for a real explanation. It never comes. What comes is a vague regurgitation.

"You've said that already!" Why is he so intent on driving Tom around like this in circles?

If he doesn't want Tom in the same manner then why doesn't he say so clearly? And if he does....why did he rebuff Tom's advance so? Why was he so hot and cold. Why couldn't he just—

It seems Harry was lost in is own mind, as Tom looked up to study him. 

Why was Harry like this? Why did it seem he wanted Tom the same and yet he kept pushing Tom away?

Why did this seem to affect him just as it did Tom, and yet Harry acted as he did!!!

It was driving him crazy!

"Harry", he cannot help himself. He needs answers before he really loses his mind!!

"Sorry" what can he even say to that easy apology that meant nothing and was so Harry. 

"It's okay", Harry's inattention is not the issue, and also, it isn't okay! 

Tom's not okay!

"Why won't you give me a chance?" 

Why? Another why he doesn't understand!

And then he does. 

Well, not really.

Harry is from a different world, and he's older in mind than in body. 

Yet he still doesn't understand why Harry decided to be his friend that very first day in the library. 

Maybe Harry knew him in the other world?

Maybe they were friends even then?

Was that why Harry felt uncomfortable pursuing a relationship with Tom?

Did he have a close relationship with a counterpart Tom?

He does not get much sleep that night, even as Harry passes out on his bed beside him. Questions and imaginings whirl through him. Now all he had to do was make sure this date went well, and that Harry was assured of his continued interest. 

Thankfully, things between them seem to thaw just a little bit. Harry walks him to breakfast and to his first class again, and he missed this more than he realised, this last month had been terrible. 

Harry still reaches out, lightly brushing his arm in goodbye as he's walked Tom over to his desk in the front, and Tom—

Even now, even after Tom not talking to him for so long, Harry hadn't changed in the least. He still had as much time, effort and kindness for Tom.

He cannot pay attention at all this class. A pity, as he had notes to take. Yet, his brain was taking a different set of notes. 

Harry needed to know exactly how deep Tom was in this, how serious Tom was. 

Harry was His. Harry was everything!

He would have him, as he'd decided on that very first day. 

He would have him in his house, shower him with gifts just as he had Tom. Shower him with love. With pleasure—

While imagining Harry's face as Tom sucked him off was a great pastime, right now was a terrible time.

No, instead, how about that garden as the venue, where Tom had imagined them getting married when he'd visited those potential houses last summer. 

A much better train of thought, as he plans the intensity of the lights, the menu, the temperature of the heating charms....

Homework tonight would include no personalised references to the lecture, an unfortunate side effect of his inattention, and yet it wasn't total inattention, he had accomplished much in terms of planning his date with Harry.

His Harry, he was finally past that first hurdle. Now onto the rest of their lives. Long lives, if Tom had anything to say about it, death was still an abstract concept.

He couldn't wait for their date, as it all fell into place in his head. It would be prefect!

The next few days are spent in anticipation. They still don't talk like they did before, now an undercurrent exists. Like Harry was about to say say something and yet he never did. Maddening!

Tom switches back to the way he was, and Harry responds as he always does, but it feels like he's holding back from saying something he really wants to say. Tom cannot understand what! 

Does he want to back out of the date? 

If he does, why doesn't he say anything!

If he really doesn't want Tom romantically at all, why not make it clear? Why talk of age and other lives and things that make it seem like Harry wants it too, he just cares more about the obstacles.

Well, Tom cares not about anything that stands between him and what he wants! And if he wanted Harry, and Harry seemingly wanted him to, even if tried to repress it, Tom would tackle whatever stood in the way.

He eyes the stairs so often, waiting for Harry to make an appearance, that Lily offers to go check up on Harry, and he could follow in a bit with James, just to make sure everything was alright. 

A generous offer, she sets off as James continues on his checklist with Tom's new elf, Grassy. His eyes had reminded Tom of Harry, so he'd had to purchase him. An added bonus that he was competent and fit in well with the other Potter elves, learning from them. 

"And the lamps are set at a precise one foot diagonal around the whole patio except for the 3 feet around the doorway?"

"Yes, Master Potter"

James had given him ideas he never would have considered. Obscure spells invented by some very romantic Potter wizards who were surprisingly less creepy and pretty sweet for some old old men. 

Spells that could fill an entire house with flowers erupting from the walls. The enchantment with the lamps James had set up for tonight, they could even dance in synchronization, although that would take a while with the runes that needed to be inscribed on each of them. 

There would be plenty of time to show Harry that later, he plans to win Harry over fully tonight, and yet, it is also a bit humorous that he was using Potter ancestral magic itself to woo a Potter! If that didn't work, what would!

He has a renewed appreciation for all of these new people in his life that aren't really new anymore. They are what Tom knows now. Family. 

He says nothing but his heart hurts at a new emotion that wells up within him. He loves all of these people, genuinely. He would protect them as he would himself. A shocking and yet pretty expected thought.

The Potters had proved they were his family in action. Many times over! Tom can never repay them for their kindness, but he can definitely attempt to do so. Happily, in fact.

Treating their son as he deserved was part of that.

"Do you think we've waited long enough?"

Tom was ready before even Lily, but he only agrees with James and they make their trek towards Harry's room.

"I think I'll apparate there one last time to make sure Pads is done and left! You don't deserve him disturbing you on your actual first date ever!" Tom can only nod, in total agreement. He hopes not either!

James disappears as he finishes the walk to Harry's door.

He knocks lightly, it has been left open, after Lily most likely. He takes his first step, eyes seeking and Harry and—

What a sight he makes, his hair tamed in a way Tom had so rarely seen. His robes match his eyes, which seem darker today. Tom cannot tell if he's nervous or unwilling in the face, but in the body, Harry was perfection. 

He always had been, even if Tom had not appreciated it enough in those early days. 

Now, imagining those strong limbs around him is all he can think of! Wrong time, but he looks—

"Harry, you look" right out of my dreams, he cannot say that. "Doesn't he?" Lily doesn't know what she's agreeing with, but she is definitely right!

He is unsure of what happens next, so lost in Harry as Lily and James leave, eyes only for Harry as the boy turns to him. "You look wonderful Tom. Very handsome"

Not quite what Tom had thought, but that is too embarrassing a thought to be uttered aloud at this time, so he just sticks to a, "You too". 

"So, where are we going?"

And those thoughts vanish as his nerves take over. "A secret", he answers as he offers his hand up to side along Harry there. It results in a rather impulsive decision as he decides to lace up their fingers as he had once seen the girl Malfoy do with that Carrow boy. 

There was just something about the way two hands looked entwined in that way and he was lost imagining his and Harry's hand that way. He couldn't help it!

His fingers tingle as they hold Harry's between them, a light current going up his arm. It turns into imagining Harry holding his hand the same as he fucked Tom. He wonders if Harry thought he was pretty enough to fuck, even if many others had made it clear if he was. He's pretty sure he wouldn't fuck Harry, even as he'd thought about it, since Harry was forty, apparently. He wouldn't want some teenager fucking him, but he could show Tom. He could teach Tom—

Maybe, but these thoughts need to vanish before they decide to appear in a more physical manifestation. One he couldn't control, except in one specific way. And the first date was too soon for that, unfortunately.

He manages it well, until Harry's question about Tom's regard for Harry. 

Then it all comes rushing back, that first moment in Harry's bed, his palm flush against Tom's abdomen, the tips of those fingers twisting him up inside.

"All of it, but that started before Summer"

An embarrassing truth, but Harry deserves an answer, however vague. And Tom wants to see his reaction towards the admittance.

Harry gives him nothing, says nothing. 

He waits, but he only has so much patience. "Harry" where are you!!

Nothing, as Harry responds with "Yes, sorry. The garden is beautiful. More in the daylight, I'm sure" 

Absolutely beautiful, and they'd get married there one day, but that's neither here nor there.

Although, it is quite an opportunity for more, for Harry to get to know his house fully lit up! To see the gardens the way that Tom had! He liked the snowed in look too, but the elf could certainly clear all that up for Harry by tomorrow morning. 

"It is indeed quite beautiful, we could stop by tomorrow, if you'd like." "Sure, Tom", although perhaps Harry didn't understand that Tom also meant that as a date. Oh well, Tom would explain soon enough. 

They turn to the food, and their meal is spent in a usual silence. They didn't really talk much at meals, Tom tried to savour every bite he ate that wasn't that disgusting slop he had been forced to endure for eleven years. That was one thing he would never forget, every meal time a reminder. 

Which is also the reason for Tom's efforts with desert. He had made his own tried and tested recipe for treacle tart, one he had perfected over 5 years, waiting for the right perfect time to present it to Harry, over 6 months now. A pet project of his time at Hogwarts that none knew, even Harry. He had probably made over 500 treacle tarts before everything had been measured precisely for the best and most consistent recipe. 

A perfect mix of Harry and himself, if there ever was. A dessert that defined them.

"Try it." He waits in nervous apprehension. Would Harry like it as much as Tom did? Would he comprehend how much effort Tom had put in? Would he hate Tom's attempt at fusion? 

"This is literally one of the best desserts I've ever had, if not the best", Harry captures him with those words. Years of effort validated in a few choice words, Harry always had that effect. Always making Tom feel good and happy. His Harry.

Well, not yet, not fully. All he has to do is speak up, however. Harry had already agreed to one date, after agreeing to nothing. Tom could make him give in, had made him give in. He just needed a little push for more, just like Lily had. James again, so very helpful.

"Harry"

"Yes Tom"

He reaches over for Harry's hand, wanting some action to convey the seriousness of his words. 

"I want a second date." Harry says nothing again, an echo of his previous responses to Tom's advances. He cannot help himself.

"What's wrong, Harry. I don't care, I remember what you said and I don't care. Why?" He means every word. Well, he cares, but to know more, not to change his view of Harry. Nothing can do that. Harry could decide to start torturing Tom right now, and Tom would attempt to endure as much was possible to make Harry happy, if he so wished. 

A lie, hadn't he ignored Harry after that first rejection? He vows never to do that again, as he makes the argument he had agreed on with James should this occasion arise.

"Did you have fun tonight?" Was that not the most important thing? That they enjoyed themselves with each other. That they willingly spent all their time together?

"Then go on a second date with me, Harry. Please." It's uncomfortable to beg when Harry doesn't seem as eager as he is, and yet, Tom understands too, just a little bit.

It's just that, he wanted Harry, Harry wanted him and they were both adults now. So why not! 

Harry says nothing. He decides to take this chance to elaborate on those plans for tomorrow, so Harry could see he was going on this date regardless, he was just going to have to accept the fact that it was indeed a date.

"Say yes, Harry, please." He begs again, even as he feels that hurt grow. Why wasn't Harry just saying yes, why was he making Tom feel like he had felt on his birthday again! He had hated that!

"You don't know what you're asking." Not a no, but why couldn't it just be a yes!

"I know what I want, you!" The truth!

"Just say yes" he begins again, as Harry starts, "Tom, I" He what?

"Why dont you find someone closer to your age to take on a date?" Not a yes not a no, he was driving Tom crazy indeed.

"Because I want you, Harry. I want only you, I don't want to take anyone else out on a date. Just you." Needs Harry to understand this fully.

Does he? His next words aren't so reassuring in his knowledge of Tom, they seem to want to placate Tom more than anything else.

Before you realise you don't want to date me!

Thats never going to happen, and Harry should know that too.

He gets out of his chair to wrap himself around Harry in the way he has longed for weeks now.

"Thats never going to happen Harry. I want you forever. And then one more day"

Just so things are perfectly clear.

"Tom, I", he what? 

What the fuck was this? Why was Harry so hesitant to say what he was thinking! What was all this back and forth about!

"It's okay", he says instead. "We will talk more about your other life, soon. But it won't change anything Harry. This is what I want and it's what you want too, even if you're unwilling to accept it."

The truth, as Tom knew it. As it was!

I love you very much Tom, I don't deny that. I am just, unsure about this change to our relationship, but I", a short pause, "I am willing to let you figure out for yourself that I am not the person you want. Or the person you think I am."

He is both, he is the person Tom loves and he is Tom's! Has been since that first day!

"You'll be waiting a long time, Harry", more truth. Harry deserved to know exactly what he was getting into with Tom. "The rest of my life."