let me go, hold me close

As much as he tries, it seems more and more like a real date. An absurd thought, yet it is true. 

His parents and godparents are also involved, as he finds out from Tom. 

Also, things are not back to normal between them. Infact, they are such the opposite of normal, Harry had spent all of last week reeling from this new relationship he had found himself in. With Tom. 

He really doesn't know how to feel about it still, he stops breathing when he pays too much attention to the implications, and he really has to hurry on to finishing up getting ready. Merlin. A tempus showed it was only 8 minutes to!

He casts a drying charm on his hair and fights it into a quick submission that hopefully would last the night. 

The most unbelievable thing about all this, really, was the extent to which Lily was helping Tom. She had lied to Dippet to get him out of school over the weekend, for Merlin's sake!

So Tom could take him on their date.

The word leaves a bad taste in his mouth. 

Merlin knows what would happen tonight!

His worries are interrupted by her, speak of the devil and all that. 

"My darling, you look so handsome", she greets him, slipping her arms around him.

"Mum" 

"I can't believe it's finally happening", she parts from him, her face smiling brightly, as Harry has never seen. "I knew it from that first Patronus, you know. You were just like James and I. Just like Moony and Pads", she laughs. Harry's smiles at her but he's going a little mad inside. 

What absolute hell had he fallen into?

How was he ever going to get out of this?

"Don't you think he should be dating someone closer to his age?" An understatement, if there ever was. 

"What on earth are you talking about, Harry?", she laughs but she looks at him in all seriousness. "You and that boy are meant to be together, and I knew it from the very first day. You can't hide from me, you are my own, my darling Harry", she holds him once more, kissing his cheek. 

"He loves you very much, you know. I know you love him too, but that boy. If only you'd heard him plan this, Merlin", her tone is teasing and yet Harry is completely aware of just how serious she was. He knows Tom.

He remembers each word spoken to him both of those days after all. Infact, ashamedly, he had rewatched those memories in a pensive to catch what he'd missed in the moment, and what he saw was far too much.

Tom said far too much. 

Too much honesty! How?

He cannot understand it.

But no, he had been through that whole experience many times, and he only understood more each time, the sheer magnitude of this new boundary Tom had breached. At the multitude of ways it could go wrong. 

There is no time to dwell further, as the main source of his consternation appears, knocking lightly against the open door. 

"Tom"

"Harry, you look—"

"Doesn't he?" Lily laughs as she looks between them. Merlin. 

"Lily", he walks over to her, kissing her cheek lightly as she hugs him from the side, both of them facing Harry. "Tom, sweetheart. I hope everything went alright with them?" She gets a nod in response. "Good, very good. I'll leave you boys to it then. Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Don't do anything she'd do either, this is the most boring person on the planet." James enters behind him, reaching for her with a smile across his face. 

She just swats at him, "You're lucky we're already married, I really must have been drunk when I said yes." They never stop. 

"Have fun boys", she steers James out before he can say anything else, they can hear him whine about not taking photos yet and Lilys retort about a pensive as the door shuts behind them.

He turns to Tom once more, and Merlin, the boy is handsome. He is almost unnaturally good looking when he's put in special effort, and those robes were definitely picked by either Lily or Regulus. 

Ugh, he hates his life. 

"You look wonderful Tom. Very handsome", a truth. 

"You too", the words are soft, barely heard. 

Not as forward as he had been that day, huh? 

Well, Harry had also been drunk then, perhaps that was the source of that confidence.

Either way, he cannot behave out of the norm, nor does he want to hurt Tom. Being on his best behavior was a necessity and yet it would only drag him further into this troublesome situation. 

He can't.

He's already had this conversation with himself before in the days past.

"So, where are we going?", this was Tom taking him on a date after all. 

Tom turns to him with a smile Harry hasn't seen in over a month now. A Real Tom smile. Maybe this had been a good idea after all, the boy he missed is back. (Yeah right). 

He walks over to Harry and holds out his hand as Harry often had, a gesture to side along him. "A secret", he holds Harry's hand, interlacing their fingers as they hadnt ever before. As no one had ever before, actually. What.

"Let's go?" And as he agrees, that familiar claustrophobic, squeezing feeling envelops him.

They are in a dark, snow covered garden, magically illuminated for the night time. A patio surrounded by floating lamps, a small table set for two in the middle. 

Tom leads him there, their hands still together. 

Harry is....something.

Sitting is a relief, he's unsure how long he had before his knees gave, grateful for the warming charms obviously around this area.

It's a bit—

Too much!

This was more than a date, it honestly felt more worthy of some sort of anniversary celebration. One of the big ones. A ten, or a twenty-five. What a ridiculous thought. 

This was his first and last date with Tom.

"Where are we?" He asks as Tom pours him a glass of wine. Of wine? Merlin.

He needs no loosening of his inhibitions at all tonight. 

"This is", Tom pauses to look at him. "my house. Well." He stops completely.

"What do you mean? Your house?"

"Do you remember all those birthday galleons?" Harry does. "Well, Sirius and I talked, and I invested that money over the years and it grew quite a bit." He makes a gesture with his hand.

"We will need a place to stay after Hogwarts, yes?"

What.

What?!

WHAT!

"We?" His voice is scratchy, the word caught up in his throat as he utters it.

Tom's mask comes back on at that. 

"We!" He affirms a bit cautious now. 

Harry is......

Really, what the actual fuck can he say to this anyway? 

And he had just begun mending things with Tom too! Ugh!

"How long have you planned this?" His brain insists on an answer to this mystery. 

Which only kept getting worse by the minute. 

"Last summer, when I missed those weeks of going to practice with you. I was, Sirius and I were meeting realtors and solicitors."

Wow.

Last summer.

Months of forethought.

"Just the house or?" He cannot finish this query. Infact, he berates himself for bringing it up, for even thinking it in the first place. 

Tom smiles back at him. Wide. Triumphant.

"All of it, but that started before Summer" as vague as Harry had been, yet Harry understood fully.

He'd been thinking of Harry before he had bought a damn house. With the intention of sharing it with Harry. 

Merlin help him.

It is a          thought alright!

Quite                a                thought. 

How would he keep things as they were with Tom after this? There was no just one date, he realizes. 

It is All of Tom or None of Tom.

He doesn't want to study this new idea fear with the boy right in front of him, the cause, but the dread still seeps through him, slowly. A conviction in this intuited truth. 

Who was he kidding, the boy was who he was. 

"Harry"

"Yes, sorry. The garden is beautiful. More in the daylight, I'm sure" Not only is it terrible small talk, it is an awful segue in itself, so blatantly obvious. Damn it.

Tom looks at him for a second longer before he looks away for a quick survey of said garden, "It is indeed quite beautiful, we could stop by tomorrow, if you'd like."

Great. This was bloody fantastic.

"Sure, Tom", even as that apprehension grows to an alarming intensity. 

So every moment spent with Tom from now on would have an undertone that couldn't be erased. Until Harry gave in fully, to what the boy wanted. 

His brain is a frightening mess of emotion as Tom continues with conversation. "Would you like to eat? They made all your favourites." That smile again.

Harry would miss that smile if he didn't see it anymore. A similarly frightening thought. 

"Sure", although his mind has disassociated by the time he's a few forkfuls in. Thank Merlin Tom wasn't such a fan of conversation while eating either. 

His favourites taste like cardboard as the truth sets in further. Every second repeats its existence in his head. This trap he has found himself in. No way out. Perfect!

His plate is over too soon. 

No more barriers. 

"I found a new recipe for dessert. A treacle tart made with chocolate syrup, would you like to try it? I have a regular one too, if it's not to your liking" Has Tom ever spoken so hesitantly about something so trivial as dessert?

"I'd love to", as this new mystery takes up some space, even as that anxiety has not given in an inch. 

Their plates vanish, and three new plates appear, two holding dark brown, obviously chocolate slices and one with a regular golden slice.

Tom pushes a chocolate one towards him, "Try it." Who is this Tom, really, as the boy was never this imperative. James and Sirius, it is very possible. (Seriously Harry?) 

Did he just consider Tom not bossy enough on the regular?

He is swayed into an entirely different direction on the first bite. 

It is a delicious combination of their favourite dessert choices and impossibly seems better than the original. He's never really been as big a fan of chocolate as Tom, but Merlin if this wasn't one of the best desserts Harry has ever had. 

He says so, and Tom just smiles. "I'm glad you think so."

He makes quick work of his generous slice, and slides that remaining regular one towards himself to. He wasn't gonna let a great slice of pie just go to waste like that.

"Harry"

"Yes Tom"

"I" he reaches over, his hand over Harry's, one slipping under, holding him in place. 

"I want a second date." As expected, and yet.

He's speechless. 

"What's wrong, Harry. I don't care, I remember what you said and I don't care. Why?"

A serious question, it seems, as he lightly tugs Harry's hand within his. As if he could gently tug the answer out of Harry. 

"I don't know Tom."

"Did you have fun tonight?" Tom asks instead.

Fun? Really? "Yes", a lie! A harrowing experience, and yet he can't just tell Tom that. 

"Then go on a second date with me, Harry. Please." He says nothing. 

"Tomorrow, we can have brunch, see the garden in the day. I know most of it is covered by snow, but the elves should be able to take care of that."

"Tom"

"Say yes, Harry, please."

"You don't know what you're asking."

And Harry does!

And he's not sure this is something he can give Tom.

"I know what I want, you!" What a declaration!

"Tom, I" "Just say yes" they begin at the same time. 

"Why dont you find someone closer to your age to take on a date?" An immense curiosity as to why Tom didn't understand!

"Because I want you, Harry. I want only you, I don't want to take anyone else out on a date. Just you." Those brown eyes hold his trapped. 

He feels almost bashful, shame and embarrassment at words he's never heard from another before, even as the dread still remains.

He doesn't know what to do.

Tom waits for an answer. 

So—

(In hindsight, all his ideas seem terrible. This one is no exception)

—He already knew there was no getting rid of Tom's newest obsession. Not rid. But he could get over it. Get over Harry. 

If Harry let him come to that conclusion himself, he would see that this wasn't the relationship he wanted to have with Harry either. Then they could go their seperate ways while still remaining the best of friends. 

A rather impulsive decision, some rather impulsive words. 

"We can go on as many dates as you'd like before you realize you don't want to date me."

Ummmm!!!

No!!!

How about a NO to that idea, now that it's been spoken aloud and he knows just how stupid an offer it really is! 

Before he can take it back, Tom is out of his seat and half bent over, wrapped around Harry, words whispered into his ear.

"Thats never going to happen Harry. I want you forever. And then one more day" Oh! No!

What had he gotten himself into!

This is why he never won a single game of chess against Ron in seven years. Thinking ahead wasn't his strong suit.

(Improvising didn't seem to be either. What else was there? Ugh)

He reluctantly slipped his own arm over Tom's back, trying to wrap his mind around what had just happened. What on earth possessed him to say that shit? Without a second thought? Madness!

Tom is still around him.

"Tom, I" 

"It's okay", says his little boy, pulling away to drag his chair next to Harry. "We will talk more about your other life, soon. But it won't change anything Harry. This is what I want and it's what you want too, even if you're unwilling to accept it."

He wants to laugh. 

The words make him feel like he's in a surreal dream.

What cross of purgatory was this, where he had his loving family and then he had to deal with this? With Tom? Where he would choose this for himself?

"I love you very much Tom, I don't deny that. I am just, unsure about this change to our relationship, but I", a gulp, he hopes speaking this truth out loud will not create another hindrance, "I am willing to let you figure out for yourself that I am not the person you want. Or the person you think I am."

Truths and lies mixed together. 

Harry is very much the person Tom thinks he is, he has drawn no curtain around himself from the boy.

Surprisingly, Tom's face turns into a beatific smile at those words. 

"You'll be waiting a long time, Harry", his words are a promise as he holds Harry's hands in his own. "The rest of my life."

Mer. Lin.