The Beginnings
James wakes up with a violent throw of a pillow at his face and scowls. He groans and flips, faceforward on his pillow. Unfortunately for him, his pillow is flung from under him and he falls hard on his face. Thankfully his fall is cushioned by the bed mattress.
“Whyyyy?” he groans again.
“We’re in school dimwit. Get up or you can kiss breakfast goodbye.” Remus says, shaking James out of his slumber. “And wake Padfoot while you’re at it.”
“Why me? Why can’t Wormtail do it?” James asks, his eyelids still stuck together.
“Because waking up Padfoot is a nightmare and I am not dealing with his morning temper.” Peter answers instead of Remus.
“Oh come on Moony, he’ll probably wake up like a princess if you do it!” James flips to his side.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Remus asks. James rolls his eyes and grunts deeply into his pillow. They were too oblivious sometimes.
“Nothing, I’ll wake him up” James gives in. He glues his eyes open and adjusts them to the morning sunshine seeping through the windows of their room. He puts his glasses on and gets up groggily. He then proceeds to throw himself on Sirius’ bed. Sirius doesn't even flinch. When it comes to sleep even Mandrakes can't wake Sirius from his slumber. James shakes him from side to side.
“Hey Pads, wake up.” Sirius mumbles something and turns his head away from James. “Pads, Padfoot!” James flicks Sirius’ nose, which gets him a wrinkly glare, his eyes still closed. James gets an idea and smiles. “Fine, then I guess I’ll have all the pudding for myself” Sirius’ eyes open in a quick motion and he flings upwards.
“I’m up, I’m up” he says, yawning the words. He looks at his surroundings and falls back on the bed. “What time is it? I am not used to waking up this early.”
“It’s way past time for breakfast so if you don’t hurry you can bid your farewells to your precious pudding let alone a crumb of bread.” Remus says, holding his toothbrush in one hand and toothpaste in the other with Peter standing right behind him. Early birds James thinks.
“Get dressed and be down by nine latest.” Remus gives a final glance and heads to the bathroom with Peter following behind him. James nods and Sirius just stares.
“You good Pads?” James chuckles.
“Am I dreaming or has Moony always looked that good?” Sirius asks out of nowhere, still looking into the direction of where Remus made his way. James smiles and holds down a laugh.
“Nope, not a dream, Remus does indeed look good in every possible aspect.” James replies truthfully. Sirius slowly nods, still not pulling his gaze away.
“Ok buddy, you’re still deep in sleep mode. Come on, get up.” James picks his friend up by his arms. Sirius looks at James and back at his bed. He frowns.
“Why did you wake me up?” he complains, clearly annoyed.
“Yup, that's the Padfoot I know. Come on, put your robes on, we have to make it to breakfast before they steal all the pudding.” James stands up to put his school robes on when suddenly he is hit by a pillow on the head. He looks up.
“Seriously?” he chuckles.
“Yes, seriously. I’m going back to sleep.” Sirius throws himself on his bed.
“Nope, get up.” James says, fumbling with Sirius.
They spend about five minutes fighting each other, James trying to pull Sirius out of the bed, and Sirius kicking at him every chance he gets. Finally, James manages to pry Sirius out of bed and they start getting ready. They brush their teeth and run down to the great hall, almost making a trip down the cliff of the moving stairs and rounding their way back up and down once more. When they arrive at the great hall the place is practically empty only for Remus, Peter, Lilly, Mary and Marlene sitting in the far back of the gryffindor table, deep in conversation. They sit down beside their friends.
“Look who decided to show up.” Mary announces. Sirius looks around the table for any signs of food only to be met with an empty table. He pouts, clearly upset. Remus looks at him and shakes his head.
“I told you.” he says, raising an eyebrow at both James and Sirius.
“Don’t look at me , I had to practically fight him to even get here.” James defends himself.
“Oh come on Moony it’s the first day of school. You can’t expect me to wake up this early.” Sirius leans on the table placing his chin on his folded arms. Remus clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes. He leans under the table and takes out two plates of pudding. Sirius beams and James smiles.
“You’re a bloody angel Remus.” James says, his mouth already full of pudding.
“Mhhmm” Remus hums, crossing his arms over his chest.
“It’s true Moony. You’re the best.” Sirius says looking him in the eyes with a smile. Remus looks away, trying to hide his blush. Everyone except Sirius notices, giving each other silent looks with a smirk on their faces.
“Well I don't know about you guys but I have dark arts first class and I am not missing one minute. I am already confused as is.” Marlene breaks the silence, starting to stand up. Peter flings up, his eyes wide with fear.
“Bollocks I forgot. Run Marlene, run as if your life depends on it.” he starts sprinting towards the door.
“I'm going to make sure he doesn't trip and break his neck, you guys should get to class.” she finishes and makes her way towards Peter, calling out to him.
They all get up and start walking up the steps.
“What you got?” Lily asks James.
“Charms, you?”
“Transfiguration” Lily grimaces.
“Your arch nemesis” he jests.
“Wish me luck?” she stops, already making her way opposite to him.
“Always” he smiles. She smiles back and joins Mary.
“Are you sure you’re over her?” Sirius asks out of nowhere once he joins them.
“Oh shut it. We’re friends, she said so herself. ”
“But did you?” Remus chimes in.
“What is this an interrogation?” James asks. Sirius raises his hands and Remus shrugs. Their way to Charms class goes silently, with random topics making their mark.
***
James feels like a leap of heavy bags being dragged across the floor by the end of his fifth class. He walks through the central hall and finds himself alone throughout the castle, now and then passed by a few students. Suddenly, James stands next to the library and makes his way inside, deciding that he would need the peace and quiet. He strides next to the tables and benches with students seated, some studying, some just reading. From the corner of his eye, he notices the familiar figure of a slytherin boy, with his curly hair laying low above his shoulders. He gets reminded of the promise he made himself and makes his way to the end of the library all the way up to the table where Regulus sits alone, deeply engaged in his own book. He sits opposite the other boy and places his chin on his hands, his elbows propped up against the hard wood of the table.
“What ya reading?” He starts the conversation. Regulus doesn't even look up from his book and keeps on reading. James doesn’t give up.
“Looks interesting.” he leans his head to the side to get a glimpse of the title. “War and… Peace. Cheery.” he observes.
Regulus slams his books down and glares at James.
“What do you want, Potter?” Regulus seethes.
“There’s no rule against me being in the library, is there?”
“We both know you didn’t come here to read. So, what do you want ?” He emphasizes the last four words.
“Well excuse me but I do read too.” James tries.
Regulus gives him another glare. He closes his book shut and starts to stand up.
“No wait.” James reaches for his arm but stops midway, knowing Regulus does not like being touched. Regulus looks back and stares, waiting for an answer.
“Look I’m sorry can we just… talk?”
“Talk? Why?” he waits, still standing.
“Can’t I have a chat with my best friend's brother?” This time Regulus turns and starts walking away. James panics.
“It’s about the train fight!” he yells out, gaining him glares and shushes from the other students in the library. Regulus stops dead in his tracks. He doesn’t turn for a good few seconds, making James feel like he truly failed. Then Regulus turns sharply on his heels and sits back down, putting his book down.
“Talk” is all Regulus says. James, dumbfounded, slightly freezes but quickly regains his consciousness.
“I just… correct me if I’m wrong but I saw you right amongst the people, watching.” A slight pause.
“So?” Regulus demands.
“Not quite the talker are you?” James tries at a joke. Regulus starts to stand up again but James beats him to it.
“No wait, I’m sorry, no snarky remarks, got it.” he surrenders. “Look, I just want to know what you were doing there.” Regulus seems to think about his answer, his eyes wandering. It was kind of enchanting to look at. What? James thinks to himself. His thoughts are interrupted by a sudden answer.
“What? Can’t I watch?” he asks.
“No it’s not that it’s just… were you there only to watch?” James swears he sees a rise of worry in Regulus’ eyes but it dies down just as quick.
“What else would I be doing Potter?” he recovers.
“I don't know… I just thought that-” he’s cut off by Regulus.
“I was there for my own amusement. That’s all. Nothing more to it. Will that be all?” he asks, ready to leave.
“Does it amuse you seeing me getting beat up?” James asks with a hint of glee in his tone.
“Very.” Regulus answers. James laughs which leaves Regulus with a confused look on his face.
“Something funny?” Regulus questions.
“No it’s just that… you’re very intriguing did you know that?” James says with a smile on his face. Regulus looks him dead in the eyes, eyebrows furrowed.
“What’s so intriguing?”
“Your whole demeanor. It’s like I’m trying to understand you but you’re so… difficult to read.”
“Yes well not everyone wears their emotions on their sleeves Potter.”
“Ouch. You’re right but it still stings.” James puts a hand on his chest where his heart is located, leaning back dramatically. Regulus’ eyes drift to James’ hands and back up at his face.
“How cruel of me.” Regulus words out, his tone dripping with sarcasm. James chuckles again. Regulus rolls his eyes.
“Will that be all or would you like for me to talk about my feelings too?”
“Actually that wouldn't be so bad.” James smirks at Regulus.
“I’m going now.” Regulus stands up and heads toward the exit.
“Wait! What’s your next class?” James calls out, jumping from his seat and running towards the other boy.
“Why do you care?” Regulus asks, not looking back. James hops in front of him, walking backwards.
“Because I do. So, what is it?” James waits for a reply.
“If you’re waiting for an answer you’ll be waiting for a while.”
“Oh come on, don’t be like that. I can escort you.”
“Aren’t you doing that right now?” Regulus looks up at James. James looks around and laughs again. It’s amazing how much Regulus could make him laugh.
“I guess I am.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you laugh a lot?”
“Nope, you’d be the first. I guess you just bring out that side in me.” he smiles at Regulus. Regulus stops mid-walk, making James stagger, almost falling backwards. Regulus looks down at his own feet, pinching his nose bridge in frustration. James tries to read his emotions, very interested. He leans closer towards his face. Regulus looks up only to be met by James face to face, inches away. They stare at each other for a second. For the first time in forever James notices how beautiful Regulus’ eyes are. A pool of gray swirls inside his pupils with particles of blue showing through captures him. It feels hypnotizing. James swears he sees Regulus blush but convinces himself that it's his imagination playing tricks on him just as Regulus backs away sharply. He loses his balance and goes crashing on the ground. Just before he hits the ground James catches his arm and pulls him close. They’re even closer than before, practically breathing each other's air. James feels his heart in his chest. Regulus snatches his arm away and backs up.
“Don't touch me” he spits out. James winces.
“Shit sorry, I didn’t mean to- I just didn't want you to-”
“Potter, just leave me alone .” Regulus raises his voice, cutting him off. James quiets down.
“I’m sorry.” James whispers. Regulus’ face softens but his glare still lingers.
“I have a class to get to.” He shoves James to the side and opens the door to a class that James didn’t even realize he was standing right in front of.
“I really am sorry!” James tries before Regulus slams the door and leaves him with his own thoughts.
Fuck.
Regulus’ mind whirls with a million thoughts, all of them having one common ground. James Potter. He couldn’t stop the thoughts reeling back into his mind. The fact that James knew or thought that Regulus wasn't amongst the audience in the Hogwarts express just to watch. James laughing at his comments with no mockery in his tone. James going close up to his face, filling Regulus’ mind with the scent of forest leaves and wormwood. Etching the image of James’ hazel eyes, a mix of brown, green, and gold. Feeling his hot puffs of air on his lips. Regulus was going to lose it.
He has to remind himself that he hates James Potter. He hates the gryffindor that ruined his life.
He breathes through his nose and exhales out his mouth, making his way down to the dungeons into his slytherin house. He tries calming his beating heart, not understanding his own feelings.
He hates James Potter. You hate him.
Regulus nodds, as if coming to a conclusion and enters the slytherin common room. The cool air accompanied by the dark atmosphere comforts him as he makes his way to the couch and sits down. He runs his hands through his hair and stares at the wall. Regulus can already hear the footsteps of Barty approaching him as he sits down next to him. He puts a hand on Regulus' back and Regulus flinches away from it.
“Sorry, are you okay?” Barty asks apologetically.
“Peachy” Regulus answers.
“Right, what’s up?” he asks, leaning on the couch.
“It’s nothing”
“Well it’s clearly not nothing.” Barty presses on.
“Look I don’t want to talk about it so either change the subject or leave.”
“I’m not doing either of those,” Barty says, firmly keeping his ground.
“What’s going on here,” Dorcas joins, sitting to the other side of Regulus. Regulus appreciates his friends and would do anything for them in a heartbeat, even if it meant killing someone, but when it came to them questioning him he just wanted to be left alone.
“Regulus is upset about something but he doesn't want to tell me.” Barty explains. Dorcas’ eyebrows shift into a concerned look.
“What’s wrong Reg?” Dorcas asks, sweetly.
“I already told you I don’t want to talk about it.” he turns at Barty, giving him a sharp look.
“Alright then, that’s ok. You can tell us whenever you want.” Dorcas replies. He looks at Dorcas and gives her a weak smile.
“Thanks Dorcas.” he replies. Barty shakes his head, crossing his arms across his chest.
“Fine but I’m not dropping this. I will get it out of you.” he ends.
“You can sure try.” Regulus gives a smirk.
“Is that a dare?” Barty raises his eyebrow.
“Take it however you want.” Regulus replies.
“Ok boys, I’m going to go eat lunch. I am way too malnourished for… this,” she gestures at them with her hands “and the great hall is going to be full very soon. So if you’ll excuse me." She stands up and makes her way out of the slytherin dorm room. Barty starts following her only to stop and turn to look at Regulus.
“Are you coming?” he asks.
“I’ll skip,” Regulus shakes his head.
“You sure?” Barty asks again.
“Not hungry,” Regulus replies. Barty shrugs and exits the dorm, catching up to Dorcas.
Regulus was not going to risk seeing the one man he didn't want to see right now and anyways Regulus was fine with not eating. He had learned to quench his hunger and thirst. His mother always made sure of that. She had called it ‘survival instincts’. In some ways she may have been right, as much as Regulus hated admitting it.
He leans against the soft cushion, placing his palms on his eyelids and rubbing on them. When he opens his eyes all he sees is flickers of light and spots. He heaves a frustrated sigh, trying his best to force out the image of hazel eyes inscribed into his mind. He takes his book from before and opens the page from where he left off, trying to distract himself. After about 5 seconds he tosses the book back on the couch and groans. He decides that going to the astronomy wing would be refreshing for his mind. But there would be too many people at this hour and Regulus wanted nothing more than to be alone. He walks over to his room and closes the door behind him. He takes a seat on the cool ground beside his bed and stares ahead.
James couldn’t keep track of the amount of times he got asked if he was okay. He tried brushing it off every time but with each question it got harder to even answer. He attended the last of his classes, not processing a single lecture. Sirius tried to make him feel better but it was of no use. No one knew why James felt like absolute shit. No one knew that James had messed up.
After the short hours of dinner - spent tracking every table for Regulus but failing miserably - whisks past like a fog, James finds himself sitting in his dorm room with Remus, Sirius and Peter. Peter is laying down on his bed, practicing his charms for his class. Remus is propped up against the frame of his bed, a book in his hand but his attention completely somewhere else. Sirius is throwing every pillow and blanket out of his way, thrashing around clothes and items, looking for his wand all the while blaming everyone but himself for ‘losing it’. Remus is smiling at his cluelessness as the wand lays tied around Sirius' hair into a ponytail.
“Oh come on Moony it’s not funny! McGonagall will be so disappointed.” Sirius cries.
“Oh what a tragedy. Your idol will be disappointed .” Peter teases.
“Yes Peetie, it is a tragedy. Have you seen MC’s let down stare?” Sirius huffs.
“Her let down stare ?” Peter laughs out.
“You know, the one where all of your hopes and dreams get crushed? Jamie knows what I’m talking about, right?” Sirius turns towards James for back up. James looks up from the ground and gives a thumbs up with a nod.
“It’s true, it’s almost like being kissed by a dementor.” James supports his best friend.
“See? Now get up and help me find my wand” Sirius begs.
“Who wants to tell him?” Peter glances at James and Remus. Remus bites down a smile and stands up from his position, putting his book down. He walks over to Sirius and looks down at his eyes. Sirius freezes in place, clearly flustered about the little distance between them.
“You are so clueless sometimes, you know that?” Remus laughs. Sirius just stares, his breath coming to a shortstop.
“Moony what are you-” Sirius’ breath hitches when Remus reaches his hand up towards the wand placed into Sirius’ hair. He slowly pulls out the wand, making Sirius’ hair flow down in a messy heap. Remus straightens his hair down, and James swears he hears Sirius gulp.
“Here’s your wand, now you don't have to be so worried about the let down stare .” Remus teases and sits back on his bed, resuming his reading. Sirius stands in place with his wand in his hand. He clears his throat, a squeak escaping his mouth.
“Right, yes, thank you Moony.” Sirius says, his voice breaking. Moony nods his head. James and Peter share a look of knowing and quickly break away before they start laughing.
“Now that that’s resolved we can finally talk about our other issue.” Sirius points out, regaining his voice again.
“What issue?” James asks.
“Funny you ask. Maybe the fact that you haven’t had a normal conversation with anyone the whole day. It’s like someone replaced you for lunch. What happened to my Jamie?” Sirius frowns.
“Your Jamie is right in front of you, same as before. Nothing is wrong.” James defends himself.
“Bullshit.” this time Remus is the one to speak.
“What he said.” Peter joins.
“I feel like I’m being cornered right now.” James says.
“That’s because you are. Now speak, what happened?” Sirius demands, piercing James with his stare. All three of them are facing James now.
“Wow, talk about teaming up against your best friend.” James tries to steer the topic away.
“James” Remus deadpans.
“Fine, fine.” James surrenders. He thinks for a few seconds, trying to form his thoughts. “What do you do when you’ve overstepped someone's boundaries?” he finally asks.
“Easy, you don’t do it again.” Peter says, as if making the most obvious statement ever.
“Or maybe, you try avoiding them?” Sirius chimes in. Remus looks at the both of them with utter disbelief.
“Ok, first rule, don’t listen to those two idiots when it comes to boundaries.” Remus turns to look at James.
“What do I do Moony?” James asks, his eyebrows furrowed and his voice strained.
“First of all you have to understand that communication is key.” Remus suggests.
“What if this person doesn’t like verbal communication?” James tries without telling them that the said person hates him.
“Communication does not always require words. It requires patience. It has as much to do with listening, as it has to do with talking. If someone doesn't feel like talking you could always just watch and listen. Body language could be useful. What’s your situation?” Remus asks, trying to understand.
James hesitates. He doesn’t know why he doesn't just tell them. They’re his best friends but he feels like this is… personal in a way. And he’s afraid of Sirius’ reaction. Regulus and Sirius aren’t on good terms ever since Sirius left to live with James.
James is afraid of what Sirius would think if he told him that he was trying to befriend his ‘little’ brother. So he dances around the truth.
“Well let’s say this person is not so fond of you… and you approach them. Everything is going… expected but not bad. And then out of nowhere you screw it up, do the one thing they hate, have an awkward moment and then it ends right then and there.” James rushes the last words. All three of his friends look at him in bewilderment. Remus has an expression on his face that James can’t quite read. Recognition maybe?
“What?” Peter asks in pure confusion after a long pause of silence. James groans and slumps back on the bed, his palms digging into his eyes.
“I don't know,” James sighs.
“How about we talk about something else?” Sirius suggests. “Just to take your mind off of it?” he smiles. James smiles back. He loves Sirius. Sometimes he feels like Sirius is his second half. A brother he never had. James feels guilt at this as he gets reminded of Regulus.
“So... you guys excited for the next quidditch match?” Sirius beams.
“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.” Peter complains and rolls his eyes. Sirius ignores him.
***
When exhaustion finally arrives, the boys get propped up for bed. James feels better but his mind can’t help reeling back to Regulus and the guilt he carries from their last interaction. Sirius wishes a good night to his friends and falls asleep the second he lays down. Peter follows right after him, leaving James and Remus still awake.
“Cigarettes.” Remus says after a few minutes.
“Sorry?” James asks, confused.
“One thing you can’t find in the wizarding world is normal cigarettes. It’s always the pipes or the big cigars.” Remus answers.
“Where is this coming from?” James asks with a smile.
“If you want to talk to Regulus, you should get him cigarettes. Nice conversation starter.” Remus says. James gulps and his eyes widen.
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” he lies. Remus ignores the last remark and continues.
“He’s not simple to talk to. Took me two months to even get a hi back, and this was only last year mind you. But, gradually, we acknowledged each other's presence with slight nods or small hello’s when passing each other. Never near Sirius though.” Remus stops for a second, a frown on his face. Then he continues. “Then one day I was in Hogsmeade, somewhere between the houses out of sight. I’m not the biggest fan of crowded places so I took out a pack I got before I came to school and decided to smoke one to clear my mind. That’s when I saw Regulus. He noticed me from the corner of his eyes and paused for a second. He was about to start walking again when I called out his name and offered him one. He hesitated but accepted my offer and believe it or not we actually talked.” Remus laughs. “After that we didn’t talk for a while again, just went back to our small greetings.” He looks at James now. There’s a slight pause as if Remus is waiting for James to say something. And James does have something to say.
“You befriended Regulus Black?” James Potter words out. Remus scoffs.
“I wouldn’t call it a friendship, no. Just an acquaintance.”
“If Regulus willingly speaks to you, that is considered friendship in my book,” James thinks for a second. “Tell me something, does it also feel like going behind his back for you?” James looks in the direction of where Sirius lays sound asleep. Remus smiles at Sirius and looks back at James.
“Of course it does. I would never willingly hurt him, it just hurts me to see the unneeded rivalry between two brothers who once relied on each other.” Remus looks back at Sirius again, sadness visible on his features. James nods and furrows his eyebrows.
“So if it came down to me giving you a pack of unopened cigarettes and a lighter, you taking the map and your invisibility cloak to see if a certain someone is wandering anywhere around the castle, I wouldn’t blame you.” Remus stands up and rummages around in his stuff. He takes out a new packaged pack of cigarettes and a blue lighter with a sun drawn on it and hands them to James. “I mean I was already sound asleep, how could I have known?” Remus winks. James smiles and takes the cigarettes into his hands.
“You really are an angel,” James points at Remus.
“I know. Good night Prongs.” Remus announces, already laying in his bed.
“Good night Moony.” James smiles, not thinking about sleep at all. He grabs the map on the table and takes his wand out, casting out “Lumos!”. The blank paper he holds shines into his eyesight. With a touch of his wand on the paper he speaks out the key words.
“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
Ink whirls and pools, revealing the content of the seemingly blank parchment. It shows every classroom, every hallway, and every corner of the castle. It also shows every inch of the grounds, as well as all the secret passages that are hidden within its walls and the location of every person in the grounds, portrayed by visible footsteps. James searches the map's surroundings, looking at every corner, until his eyes finally catch the name of one Regulus Black. He seems to be in a still motion up in the astronomy tower. James tilts his head and hums. He sets his mind and nods to himself. He runs out of his dorm room, the cloak neatly placed on him and makes sure to not make a sound.