Sirius:
He sat on his bed, staring through the window, looking out over the lake and the forest. He sighed and went over to the window, throwing it open. As he climbed onto the ledge, the wind whipped around him, his hair throwing itself over his eyes. Arms out to balance himself, he walked, reaching a piece of flat roof before sitting down, his legs dangling over the 80 ft drop. He pulled a bottle out of his jacket before pulling it tighter around him. He took a swig and relished the burn in his throat. He felt he deserved it.
He stared at the almost full moon, his heart aching painfully. Tears rolled down his face into his lap as he took another swig. He missed Remus and hated himself for what he had done. Out of all the stupid things he had done, out of all the traumatic things he had experienced, this is the one that he truly wished had never happened.
Staring out over the lake, he saw a silhouette standing on the shore. As it took another step, he recognised the gait, he would recognise it anywhere. It was Remus with his lopsided steps and his cane. It had taken Sirius years to convince him to use it, and finally had to resort to telling him he looked even sexier with it, something that he had never wanted to admit to anyone. Thinking of these happy memories made Sirius hate himself even more, so he drained the bottle and took out another. He popped this one open and finished it in one swift movement. He lay down on his back and searched the sky. Ironically Canis Major and the moon were right next to each other that night. Sirius was happy to think that at least one incarnation of them were together.
He thought about Remus, his scruffy hair and his baggy jumpers, his beautiful brown eyes and his beautiful patchwork of scars. Remus might hate them, but Sirius loved them. In truth, Sirius loved anything and everything about Remus, that’s what hurt the most.
Sirius made up his mind and quickly finished his third bottle before standing up and making his way back to the window. He climbed back through and stood by his desk, scratching at a piece of parchment
He hoped that was enough. He hoped that it would finally show Remus how much he actually loved him.
He put it in an envelope, sealed it and pocketed it, walking out of the dorm and through the portrait hole into the hallway. As he walked through the deserted hallway, he thought about his family and his friends. He thought of Reggie, Will he be alright? Mother will probably like him more now, so that’s got to be a bonus. She won’t ignore him anymore. I just hope that he forgives me.
And James, I hope he doesn’t hate me. I hope that he knows how grateful I am for everything he and his family have done for me.
Reaching the top of the stairs, he gathered his cloak and threw it in a heap on the floor before walking towards the parapet. Looking down, he gulped, the wind whistling around him.
Rain splattered his cloak lying abandoned on the floor, the corner of the envelope slightly visible, caught in the folds of the fabric. Rain fell like tears, staining the parchment, ink running in rivets like blood.
He looked down once more before hauling himself onto the wall. Taking one last longing look at the moon he jumped.
Wind whistled through his hair as he fell. And fell. And fell.
Remus:
He stood on the shore of the lake, the moon reflecting off the smooth water like a painting. Whenever he saw the moon in such a beautiful way, he would always wonder how something so beautiful can cause so much destruction.
He chuckled to himself thinking of Sirius, they seemed to be almost the same thing now. How ironic.
Sighing, he turned back towards the castle and headed back to his room. Igniting Lumos he made his way through the school’s many corridors, ignoring the portraits’ many complaints. When he rounded the corner of Gryffindor Tower’s entrance, he saw a cloaked figure disappear around a corner. He wondered who else would be up at this time of night but brushed it off before finally heading up to bed.
As he entered the dorm room, it was obvious who was missing. Sirius’ curtains were flung open, his bed all rumpled and unmade. Remus wondered what had made him get out of bed in the middle of the night and leave his bed in that state. He was usually very meticulous about those sorts of things.
Remus dismissed it, not caring overly much, and sat down on his bed. As he started to undress, he caught sight of a handful of empty firewhiskey bottles underneath his bed. He rose, wanting to know how many he had drunk when Remus felt a shiver down his spine. Remus didn’t often get scared, but when he did, something bad usually happened.
As soon as it clicked, he was out of the door, not caring about quietness any longer.
He ran. And ran. And ran.
He didn’t know where he was running, but it turned out it didn’t matter as he soon found himself at the top of the stairs. As he shoved open the heavy wooden door, he saw a glimpse of black disappearing off of the wall.
‘SIRIUS!’ he screamed at a volume even he didn’t know he could reach.
He grabbed his wand and pointed it at the falling figure. He muttered the spell before he even thought about it, his brain working scarily quick. The body still fell, but slower, and slower, and slower until it reached a halt metres above the ground before dropping unceremoniously with a thud.
He scrambled down the stairs, almost tripping over his own feet in his haste to reach the grounds. His legs were screaming in pain, but he ran faster and faster until he reached Sirius. It took him a matter of minutes so he expected Sirius to be awake by the time he got there, but he wasn’t. Hesitantly, he grabbed Sirius’s shoulder and shook it slightly but the boy didn’t stir.
‘Shit.’ Remus murmured before gathering all of his strength to lift Sirius’s limp body over his shoulder. It took him a minute and it was obviously a strain.
‘Maybe I should have listened to James when he said I should come to the gym,’ he thought absentmindedly.
He staggered awkwardly towards the castle, obviously unbalanced when he collided with something in the blackness.
He went tumbling, dropping Sirius, and twisting his ankle.
‘Shit, sorry Remus.’ a familiar voice said. ‘Wait what’s going on?’ it continued shakily. ‘Is Sirius okay?’
Remus was taken aback by the shakiness in his own voice when he spoke, ‘No, James, you need to get him to Madam Pomfrey now. Hurry up!’
James wasted no time, recognising the urgency in Remus’s voice, and picked up Sirius’s limp body as if it weighed nothing.
Remus thought to himself, ‘How the fuck does he do that?’ before making his way to his feet and limping after James who was already halfway up the hill.
The journey to the medical wing had never felt longer. It didn’t help that every step was pure agony, but finally, he arrived and saw Sirius lying on the bed with Madam Pomfrey standing over him. James sat hunched over on a chair, staring at his shoes, biting his nails.
Taking the chair next to him, Remus whispered, ‘Is he going to be okay?’
‘I don’t know, nobody’s told me anything’
Just as he was about to respond, the door scraped open, revealing Professor McGonagall dressed in a tartan dressing gown and with a very stressed expression on her face. She scanned the room before making her way over to Remus and James.
‘Boys, I know that you both care deeply about Mr. Black over there, but I am afraid that I have to ask you to return to your dorm room now.’ she ordered sternly before adding in an uncharacteristically caring tone, ‘I am sure that Sirius will be okay, he is in the best care possible.’
She had barely finished speaking before Remus cut in with, ‘Like fuck I will. I will leave him over my dead body!’ shocking even himself with the sharpness in his voice.
McGonagall pursed her lips at the tone, but let it slide, taking a moment to think. ‘I know how stubborn you can be, so there’s no point arguing with you Mr. Lupin, but Mr. Potter, I insist that you have to return, just so as to not concern anyone. I am sure that Mr. Lupin will keep you updated.’ Her face told the boys that there was no point in arguing so James just sighed and slowly made his way to his feet, turning towards Remus. ‘He will be okay, I just know it.’
He turned to leave before remembering the envelope he had in his pocket.
‘Uh, I found this in the astronomy tower. It’s addressed to you, I didn’t read it, I just thought you should probably have it.’ he pushed the envelope into Remus’ hands before walking out of the room.
Remus looked down at the envelope, recognising Sirius’ scratchy handwriting. He stared at the boy in the bed opposite and started tearing into it. He took a deep breath before reading, preparing himself for the worst.
Remus,
There aren’t enough words in the English language to say how much regret I feel about what I did to you, so there probably isn’t much point in trying.
I love you so much darling, and I know that you hate me, but one day I just hope that you can come around. I know it’s selfish of me. I wish I could’ve said all this in person, but the words just failed me whenever I had the opportunity. I love you more than anything which is why this hurts the most. More than anything my parents did, more than Reggie.
Goodbye my darling, but never forget how much I love you. xx
Tears stained the parchment, adding to the rivulets of ink already running down the page.
And then Remus murmured to only one person, the one person who might never hear him, ‘I am so sorry.’