Smells Like Teen Spirit

Mary Macdonald

Friday | September 12th, 1975

Mary was a sucker for romance. She liked easy love: flirting, dates, the after. As soon as it got too close to love or too serious, she backed out. That didn’t mean that she was against love, or even the idea of it. She wasn’t… for her friends. She absolutely loved the idea of her friends falling love and finding their soulmates and all of that.

It was her that was the problem. 

She wasn’t one for serious relationships. They just weren’t for her. Her longest relationship was with none other than the Sirius Black. And that was only a few months.

Sirius had asked her out when they were both drunk and alone. They were definitely too young to be as drunk as they were but they had needed it. It was early October and they were both having a difficult time. Sirius was having a sexuality crisis, Mary knew that even then (she had just discovered hers last semester). They were in one of the courtyards– Mary thinks the west one (?)– laying on each other when he proposed the idea.

“Do you want to date?” He had blurted out.

“Like, in general? Or with you?” Mary had asked with an eyebrow raise (an expression she had learned from Sirius himself).

“Me.” Sirius had said. 

“We wouldn’t be good together.” Mary had said.

“Why not?”

“We’re the same, you and I. We both run away when it gets too serious– don’t you dare make that joke. We’re both scared of love. We flirt with everyone and will fight too much.”

“True.” Sirius had sighed. “It’s a bad idea.”

“It’s a bad idea.”

“I like bad ideas.” Sirius had winked. “They’re the most fun.”

“You don’t love me.” Mary had told him.

“You don’t love me either, and that’s why it would work.”

Mary had thought about it for a moment. “I can like a good bad idea.”

And that was that. They dated until Christmas break. It was Sirius’ longest relationship as well. Because, as she had said: they were the same, always playing with romance and then running from intimacy. Mary knew that Sirius wasn’t just running from intimacy though. He was running from himself as well. At least he had figured it out now.

The only reason that they had lasted as long as they did was because neither of the pair had wanted to go further into the relationship than the other. They were okay with being casual. They knew the other wasn’t going to change that and declare their love or anything like that. They just stopped when they got bored.

Mary’s second longest relationship was with Lily Evans.

Mary had always been attracted to girls as well as boys. She just liked both. She knew that made her different, but it was just another thing that made her different. She didn’t care; she was always different. The only “black” kid in school. The only one with magic in her family. The “bigger” girl in class, even at a younger age. Once she entered Hogwarts, it was that she was “muggle-born”. Being bisexual was just another difference (although she wasn’t aware of the term until Marlene had told her).

Marlene came out to Mary and Lily the night of their failed attempt at a date. Lily and Mary had thought that Remus and Marlene would get along splendidly and set them up only for Marlene to say that she didn’t like boys that exact night. Mary still wasn’t really sure how Marlene grew to know all of the terms when she came from a very pure-blooded family (perhaps a book?). But in any case, Mary explained how she felt about girls and boys that night and Marlene explained to her that she was bisexual. So, that was the term Mary used now.

Lily came out the night after: also as bisexual.

And then, one night in fourth year, they (Mary and Lily) got drunk. It was a Friday night (January 31st) and Lily’s fifteenth birthday party. They got drunk and ended up snogging on Mary’s bed.

They lasted a month.

It was fun. It was fun and temporary. Maybe it was fun because it was temporary. Mary knew that she and Lily weren’t soulmates or anything of the sort but they were good friends and it worked for them. Their breakup wasn’t a big deal; they just did it. There were a few reasons but Mary thought that the biggest one was the tea leaves. 

Mary, James, and Sirius were the only ones out of their group that took divination (Lily and Remus called it rubbish and Peter and Marlene didn’t want to add an extra class). James and Sirius were partners and Mary and a second-year were partners. Mary didn’t actually know how Pandora Rosier had made the divination class when you couldn’t add extra courses until third year– apparently it was due to Pandora being an actual seer (though that was just speculation and gossip). 

One time for a homework assignment in the second semester of fourth year, they had to read someone’s fortune (via tea leaves) and that someone had to be outside of the class. Mary chose Lily, her girlfriend. In the tea cup, Mary found a heart, an anchor, and a set of antlers. The heart represented love. The anchor (with the heart) meant ‘soulmate’. And, the antlers, Mary could only assume, represented Lily’s soulmate. 

Mary wasn’t the antlers. She knew that. Lily knew that. A week later, they broke up.

Mary’s been in plenty of relationships since then. Mainly boys. Only two other girls (both muggle). She even went on a single date with Peter.

Love just wasn’t for her, but she loved romance.

Which was why she– although fully supporting Sirius and his crush on Remus– kind of loved Remus and Michael together. Remus had only been in two relationships that Mary knew of (both muggle), and she had to pry that information out of Remus with a crowbar when they were high. Remus wasn't hiding the relationships; he was just a naturally private person. Remus had dated a girl during the short period of time of Christmas break in third year and a boy the summer in between third and fourth. And, Mary was willing to bet that he had at least snogged that muggle friend that introduced him to cigarettes. 

Mary liked Michael as well. He was kind to her during quidditch practices (when they had both been backups) and made her laugh. Even more, he seemed interested in Remus.

Mary was walking to the spot by the lake that her friends loved to hang out by after her final class that day, winking at the boys who casted her long looks when she passed them in the hallway.

“I don’t understand how you can walk so easily in those things.”

Mary looked to her right, where Michael had just appeared, walking beside her. He had to lean down a bit to speak to her, which Mary liked.

“In these?” Mary looked down to her platform derbies (her favourite style of Doc Martens). 

“During the whole quidditch rebellion thing, I had tried to walk in platforms and fell right over.” Michael said. “Weirdly enough, I could rock the stilettos. Such an odd thing.”

Mary chuckled. “What are you doing right now?”

“At this very moment or with the rest of my day?”

“With the rest of the day.”

“Really, nothing.” He sighed. “I was just planning on wandering around and avoiding my dorm and my dorm-mates.” 

“Oh? You mentioned something like that Wednesday.” Mary said. “Is something going on with you all?”

Michael bit his lip as if debating something inwardly before saying, “Yes, actually.”

“Oh?”

“They found out about my sexuality and were being pricks about it.” He confessed.

Mary’s mouth dropped. She had totally forgotten for a moment that not everyone could like everyone. She had just been shipping Michael and Remus without even knowing if Michael could even like guys. She had also totally forgotten that some people weren’t okay with that.

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry.” Mary grabbed his upper arm to comfort him. “If you don’t mind me asking, what are you?”

“Queer.” He said. Mary hadn’t even realised that ‘queer’ could be a label in itself. She had always thought of it as an umbrella term. “And I’m not exactly a guy or girl either while I’m confessing things.”

“Oh? What do you mean?”

“I explained it to Remus, but I’m just… a person? I’m not a woman or a man, I’m just a human.” Mary nodded along. “So, instead of saying ‘he’ or ‘him’, you’d say ‘they’ or ‘them’.” 

“Oh, okay.” Mary smiled comfortingly. “I think I get it. Thanks for telling me. I’m bi. So, your roommates are being homophobic?” 

Michael gave a nod along with a shrug. 

“Ugh, what pigs.” 

Michael let out a loud guffaw at that. “You’re not wrong, Macdonald.”

“Mary.” Mary corrected. “Or Maisie. Not Macdonald. I hate that.”

“Got it.”

“So, do you want to hang out with my friends?” Mary offered. “We’re going to hang out by the lake.”

“Sure.”

~ ~ ~

“Hey, guys!” Mary called out. James and Sirius were in some kind of playful wrestling match in the grass. Lily was sitting at the edge, with her feet in the lake, watching the fight. Remus was sitting against the tree, reading, and Marlene laid with her eyes closed and head on Remus’ thighs. “Guess who’s joining us!”

“Michael!” Remus smiled.

“Okay,” Mary stopped and whispered to Michael. “So, from my knowledge, you can come out to every single one of these people.”

“Really? All of them?”

All of them have come out to her, so Mary knew. She nodded.

“I would do it separately though.” Mary said. 

“Why?” 

“Because, they’re all out, but not all of them are out to each other, I don’t think.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, it’s an odd thing.” Mary mused. “We just have to wait for them to do it in their own time.” 

It’s a tricky thing. An odd balancing act, it was. James knew that Sirius was gay and Mary was bi and Sirius and Mary about him. The girls and Remus all knew about each other, and Remus said that Peter knew about him, and Peter told Mary (and only Mary out of the girls) that he was out to Remus. Peter and Mary were out to each other, only because of that one date. She knew that Marlene was out to James but not James to her (having not been out when she came out and having not found a good moment to do so recently). Outside of that, Mary had no clue who was out to who. She could only assume that the marauder boys were out to each other but she couldn’t know that for sure. 

“I get that.” Michael shrugged. They smiled and left her to go sit by Remus against the tree. 

Mary wanted to eavesdrop, but she went over to Lily instead.

“The water’s nice.” Lily told her. 

“I’m not taking off these shoes, Lils.” 

Lily rolled her eyes. 

~ ~ ~ 

“You know,” Remus started. He sat on the bed with Mary’s head in his lap. They were both reading their required history text. “You really shouldn’t matchmake your friends when you yourself can’t keep a relationship up for longer than a week.”

Aghast, Mary looked up at Remus but his eyes stayed trained on the page. Two could play that game.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Remus.” 

Remus looked up and raised an eyebrow. It was strangely and majorly attractive and seductive but she wasn’t going to let him know that.

“Really? You don’t?”

“Yeah, I’ve dated people for longer than a week.” Mary smiled, returning her eyes back to the page. 

“Name one other than Lily or Sirius.” He challenged, leaning forward. Right, Mary remembered. He and Marls were the only ones who knew about me and Lily.

“Charles.”

“Karrington or Perryn?”

“Karrington?” 

“Trick question. They both only lasted seven days.”

“I hate you.”

“Mmhm.” Remus pushed her off his lap with his hips and levelled her with a flat look. “Maisie, why are you setting me and Michael up?”

“I’m not.” Mary lied. She wasn’t normally one to back down, but the look Remus gave her made her skin itch. “Fine, I am.”

Remus smiled smugly. “Want to tell me why?”

“Not particularly, no.” Mary sat up so her back was against one of the posters of her bed. “I just want you to be happy.”

“I am happy, Maise.” Remus put his hand on hers. “You have a problem.”

“What? I don’t have a problem. What do you mean?”

“Mary, you leave relationships before either of you can catch actual feelings for each other. You flirt and entertain people so that way they love you because you need to feel that love but refuse to ask for it. You never allow yourself to actually be sad. You hold everyone that you care about at arm's length because you’re scared that people will get too close and get to know you, the real you, and won’t like it.” Remus swallowed. “You’re properly scared of intimacy but are also desperately afraid of being alone. And, to compensate for that, you push everyone else into relationships, even if they’re content.

“And, yes, I like Michael, but I don’t know him well enough to date him and I’m mortified of letting you down if we don’t end up together.” Remus looked away. “Maisie, I know we’re not close like you and Sirius or me and Lily or Marlene with Peter and James, but you are truly one of my closest friends and I hope that you understand that I’m not staying this all to offend you or call you out; I’m simply trying to understand why?”

Mary gaped at him, her lip wobbling. “Remus, I don’t want you to see me cry.”

Remus looked at her.

“So, I’m going to ask you to leave right now.” They were in the girls’ dorm. Technically, boys couldn’t enter, but Remus usually found a way. “I’ve heard you, but I don’t want to talk to you anymore, so I’m going to ask you to leave and we’re going to discuss this later.”

Remus nodded and smiled sadly, “Okay, Maisie. See you.”

Remus left and Mary cried.

~ ~ ~ 

Sirius Black

Saturday | September 13th

Sirius was halfway down a bottle of straight firewhisky. He was up, hidden in the Astronomy Tower. It was far too early to get this drunk but Sirius couldn’t help it. The marauders were talking about past pranks by the fireplace. Moony was looking extra hot because he had that mischievous smirk and his darkside was showing (the side he usually always tried to hide). And, then Micheal fucking Evont had to show up and ruin it.

They were nearly done when he had, but the marauders had never planned a prank with someone outside their group and they weren’t starting then. Michael had appeared, sat on the arm of Moony’s chair, and just started blatantly flirting and talking with Remus. The group was dismissed; James went to practice (not a required one; just for himself), Peter had a chess club meeting, Remus and Michael didn’t look like they were stopping anytime soon, and so Sirius went to go drink his woes away.

Sirius didn’t even know if Remus was gay– or liked boys or whatever. He knew that he liked girls well enough. Sirius had seen him flirt and snog more than a handful at parties and classes and Hogsmeade (though, that had hardly meant anything in Sirius’ case, it couldn’t be assumed for Remus as well). When James had asked him why he never dated any of them, Remus had answered that he couldn’t exactly get really close or intimate with someone without them discovering his secret. 

The door to the Astronomy Tower opened and a pair of heeled shoes made their way over to him. He didn’t turn. He knew that set of footsteps anywhere.

Mary sat beside him silently. He was sitting on the floor of the balcony with his legs dangling through the railing and off the side.

“Do you think I’m scared of intimacy?”

Sirius’ eyes widened immediately and he choked on his sip. He coughed it out and placed the bottle down beside him. He clearly didn’t need to drink anymore that evening.

“Let me rephrase,” Mary said. “Do you think that we’re afraid of intimacy?”

“Excuse me?”

“Well. We’re the same, you and I.” Mary explained. “We flirt, we have fun, we date, and then we leave quickly, only to repeat the process over again.”

Sirius bit his lip. “I don’t think that we’re afraid of intimacy.”

Mary gave him a look that clearly said that she didn’t really believe him.

“I don’t think that we’re afraid of intimacy.” Sirius repeated. “I think we’re afraid of love.”

Mary turned to him. “Aren’t they one and the same?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Sirius said firmly.

“What makes you think so?”

“Did you know that I ran away this summer?” Sirius asked her. She nodded. “Well, when I made it to the Potters’, I was a mess. Both physically and emotionally. I had just left my family. I had just left Reggie. It didn’t matter that I hated the whole lot of them. It didn’t matter that they hurt me. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. All that mattered was that they were my family at the end of the day and I left them.”

“So, they weren’t your family at the end of the day then.”

He gave her a flat (though somewhat amused) look. “It didn’t matter. I was an emotional mess. But, it was okay in the end because James and I and Effie and I were able to talk things through and I understand myself a whole lot more now.”

“Oh?”

“I know why I used to date around.” Sirius was looking out towards the mountains, avoiding her. He wouldn’t be able to get this out if he looked at her. This is the furthest his mask had ever fallen. “Especially last year.”

“Yeah, you had never really dated before that.” Mary hummed.

“I didn’t want to– and I’ll explain why in a bit– but in fourth year, I was having a bit of a sexuality crisis.”

Mary snorted. “Oh, yeah. I could tell.”

Sirius bumped his arm against hers and kept it there. It helped him. It helped ground him. Touch usually did that. “I liked guys but didn’t realise that that was okay and so I tried to suppress it.”

“Internalised homophobia.”

“What?” Sirius turned to her.

“That’s what it’s called.” Mary said. She picked up Sirius’ hand and started fiddling with it. Maybe it helped them both. “Internalisedhomophobia. It’s your own hateful voice inside of you that tells you that you’re not okay. That you’re dirty because of who you like. Internalised homophobia.”

“Yeah. I had that.” Sirius nodded and looked away. “It was mainly in the form of Remus. I liked him– even then– but didn’t want to like him. So, I stopped thinking about him, about it all together. Every time a ‘Remus-themed’ thought popped into my head, I shoved it away. Which resulted in a lot of hurt. Both on me, our friends, and Remus.”

“Like around Easter.”

Sirius looked at her again. “What?”

“Don’t play stupid, Sirius. It doesn’t suit you.” Mary scolded. “All of us girls noticed. Last year around Easter, something happened that made the four of you fall out. I’m not asking. I’m not pushing. I don’t need to know. But, is that what you’re talking about?”

“Yeah, that was the biggest thing.” Sirius agreed. “But, it wasn’t the only thing. I, in my attempt to not think about Remus or being gay, acted out more, more reckless. I hurt all of us.”

“I remember.” Mary nodded.

Sirius turned away again. “I dated all of those girls, you included, in another attempt to suppress my feelings. That didn’t mean that I didn’t like those girls. I did, just not really romantically. I liked the kissing. I liked the touching, both them and me. I liked it. I liked the newness, but in the end, it could never really keep me distracted for long. So, I would leave. I would find a new girl. Over and over again.

“I would date a girl, and either my real feelings would catch up or they would ask for too much and then I would cut it.”

“Wait,” Mary interrupted. Sirius turned back to her. “What do you mean that they would ask for too much? What was too much? Actually dating?”

“Sometimes.” Sirius said. “Sometimes, it was that they wanted to become more serious. More often, they would realise that I wasn’t going to date them seriously. And, in that case, they’d want more.”

“More?” Mary repeated. “More as in… sex?”

Sirius swallowed thickly. “Yes.”

Mary looked confused. “But,” She blinked. “We had sex?”

“You were the only one that I could ever manage it with.” He admitted. 

“Really? But I thought-” Mary trailed off.

Sirius laughed humorlessly. “Yeah, a lot of people do. It’s all rumour. Girls lie and I let them.”

“Why?” Mary asked. “Why let them lie and why can’t you manage it?”

“I let them lie so no one realises that I can’t manage it.” Sirius said. “I… do you remember when we did it?”

“Yeah? You were shaking but you wouldn’t let me stop.”

“I don’t like the idea of sex.” Sirius said bluntly.

“There’s a word for that, you know.” Mary told him. Sirius turned to her again. “Asexuality.”

“I know. James explained them all to me.” Sirius said. “I’m not asexual. I think I could do sex… with the right person.”

“Like a boy?”

“No.” Sirius took a moment to breathe and gather his words. “I don’t think that was the issue. Maybe a part of it but not the reason.”

“Then, why? Why can’t you do it?”

“I was the heir to the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black.” The words were vile on his tongue. “I was told throughout my life that my only job, my only purpose is to marry and produce an heir.”

“Oh, right.”

Sirius let out a laugh so soft and humourless, it might’ve been considered a breath or a huff of air. “And, I think that in the process of getting told that, I grew this massive sense of dread for the idea. The idea of producing an heir. The idea of the process to do so. The idea of sex.”

“Do you think that touch also plays a part in it for you?”

“What do you mean?” 

Mary had eyes like a doe: dark, big, slightly upturned, and with long lashes. Doe eyes are supposed to be innocent looking, naive. Mary’s eyes have never looked that way though. They always looked knowing. They looked that way now.

“Touch is weird for you.” Mary continued. “Touch used to be a bad thing. It used to mean pain because your parents abused you-”

Sirius blinked. It was so odd for it to be said like that. Yes, Sirius’ parents abused him. A lot. Both physically and emotionally. But, no one ever said so directly. It was always some vague hint at it. But, Mary said it. She said it straight out. Because Mary never hid from the truth. She faced it straight on.

“But then, it meant comfort. It started to mean comfort because you met James, who is the most touch-y, touch-loving bloke that’s ever existed. You started to need touch. You needed for touch to mean something other than pain for you.” Mary said. “Overtime, it has much improved, your ability and acceptance of touch. In fact, you rely on it now. You need it. Your relationship with touch has gotten better, but it still isn’t perfect.”

Mary waited a moment before continuing. “For someone to touch you in such an intimate way, like in sex, you’d be opening yourself up to someone in a way that you haven’t done before. Do you think that that could be another reason?”

“Maybe.” Sirius said. “But, we’ve gone off on a tangent. We’re not talking about my ability to touch. We’re talking about being afraid of love.”

“Of intimacy.” She corrected.

“No, Mary. Of love.” Sirius said firmly. “I’m afraid of love. I don’t really believe in it. The word itself is thrown around too easily to really hold any meaning.”

“What do you mean?”

“My parents loved me.” Sirius said, looking away again. “They said they did. Every slap, every punch, every slash, every yell, they said that they loved me. They told me that they loved me and that that was why they did what they did. ‘Don’t you understand, my son? We do this because we love you.’”

“They didn’t love you, Sirius.”

Sirius doesn’t argue, nor agree. “People throw it around too easily as well. You don’t, but Lily does. James does. Leaving, saying goodbye, getting something, giving something, they’ll say ‘I love you’ as if it’s just another greeting or goodbye. Shouldn’t the words mean more?

“I’m not scared of intimacy, Mary. I welcome touch and relationships and connection. I’m scared of love.” Sirius turned to her. “You’re scared of love too.”

“Excuse me?”

“But, unlike me, you’re not scared of being loved, you’re scared of loving.” Sirius said. “You’re scared of loving someone, of allowing yourself to get attached, only for them to leave you.”

“Excuse you!?” Mary gasped.

“Mary, correct me if I’m wrong, but your mom left when you were a baby, right?” Sirius asked. She nodded reluctantly, like a child forced to play the game that they didn’t pick. “She came back a few years later, but she still isn’t really a mom. Your dad stayed, but your dad is hardly home because he works, even when you go home in the summer and when you still went to muggle school. The only person that you could trust was your older brother and he left for college.”

“Yeah.” Mary said, clearly not excited for where this was heading.

“You loved these people and they left and that hurt. And now, you’re scared that it’s going to happen in a relationship.” Sirius concluded. “I’m scared of being loved and you’re scared to love, but in the end, we’re both scared of love.”

Mary crossed her arms, pouting slightly. “That was oddly wise of you, Sirius.”

“It’s amazing what talking with Effie will do for you.” He shrugged.

Mary looked at him, assessing him. He could see it in her eyes. “You’re very perceptive.”

“I read people. James reads emotions.”

“What do Remus and Peter do then?”

“The same,” Sirius smiled. “They just know when to push and when to stay out of it. James and I don’t.”

Mary tilted her head, agreeing. 

“What brought this on though?” Sirius asked.

“I talked to Remus.”

“Oh?”

“He knew when to push, as you said.” Mary said, somewhat bitterly and somewhat resigned, like she’s almost accepted. “He called me out. Essentially said that until I figure out why I’m always bouncing from guy to guy, I won’t ever find love.”

Sirius smiled, raising his eyebrows as if to say ‘true’.

“How is that going by the way? That crush on Remus.”

Sirius groaned.

Sirius had always loved this about Mary. She was honest and smart. You could have a deep conversation with her for a moment, and then a less serious one the next.

“I think I liked it more when I was suppressed.” 

Mary gasped, hitting him lightly. “You can’t mean that!”

“It’s true.” Sirius told her. “It was so much easier when I didn’t allow myself to like him, Mary. I just like him so much. I can’t even be in the same room as him anymore.”

“Is that why you’re up here, drinking your sorrows away?” Mary eyes the bottle by his side.

“I’m not drinking much now, am I?” He pouted.

“How pissed are you?”

“Barely even tipsy.”

“So all of this wisdom wasn’t by some drunken revelation?” 

“Nah, unfortunately not.”

“Do you want to be sloshed?”

“Not really, no.”

“Want to get high?”

“...sure. Let’s do it.”

Mary pulled out a card deck box, opening it to pull out a joint. She lit it with a beat-up zippo, took a puff, and passed it over.

“Moony’s zippo?” Sirius took it from her, holding it caringly. He looked up at her. “Why do you keep your joints in a card box?”

“You’re avoiding the situation.”

“What’s the situation?” Sirius asked.

“I asked you how that crush was going.” Mary smiled.

Sirius dragged his hand down his face. “It’s awful, Mary! Just this week, James woke up Remus on our way to the quidditch practice, and his shirt had ridden up and I could see his waist. Oh my Merlin, Mary! Did you know that Remus has a cut-V?! Like, he almost has abs!”

Sirius dramatically flopped down, hand to his forehead.

“Oh my god! Is that why you were flying so weird at morning practice?” Mary sat up straighter. “Holy shit, Sirius! Did you get hard just from Remus’ stomach?”

Sirius’ mouth opened like a fish, but that was all that was needed for Mary to burst out laughing. 

“Don’t laugh! I didn’t have time to take a shower or anything- Mary!”

“I’m sorry!” Mary laughed, not sounding even remotely sorry. “That’s too good!”

“Fuck you, Macdonald.” Sirius crossed her arms until Mary had somewhat controlled her laughing. “I just want to kiss him.”

“I don’t blame you.” Mary shrugged, laugh still clear in her voice. “He’s a good kisser.”

Sirius gasped, jumping back up to sitting position. “You’ve kissed Moony!?”

“Yeah, and no offence, but I would definitely rank him the best kisser out of all of the guys I’ve kissed.”

“When did you kiss him!?”

Mary bit her, looking a little bit away to think. “April of fourth year.”

“You need to tell me everything. Now!”

“Okay,” Mary flicked her braid over her shoulder. “We were at Barty’s birthday party-”

“Barty?” Sirius interrupted. “Barty Crouch Jr.? Why were you at his birthday party?”

“I’ve been friends with him ever since Remus and Peter gave him weed over Easter break.” Mary explained.

“But, he’s Reggie’s friend.” Sirius said, then he gasped as it dawned at him. “Holy shit! Were you at a party with my baby brother?!”

Mary smiled mischievously. 

“Maybe,” She sang. “It was Remus, Peter, me, Regulus, Pandora, Meadowes, Barty, and Evan.”

“And you kissed Remus at this party?” Sirius asked. She nodded. “Why?”

“They were too young to drink-”

“I feel like that wouldn’t have stopped them.”

“Remus wouldn’t give them any.”

“That sounds about right.”

“But we got high, some of us, and we all played truth or dare.”

“So, you kissed Remus on a dare?” Sirius confirmed, hopefully. Mary nodded. “What were some of the other dares? Any more kisses?”

“Um, I think Reg and Pandora kissed, I kissed Evan, I kissed Regulus-”

“You did WHAT?!” Sirius shouted. He whirled on her. “You kissed my baby brother!?”

“Don’t get your knickers in a twist.” She told him. “It was just a peck, it wasn’t like I snogged him like Remus.”

“Wait, hold up! You snogged Moony?! It wasn’t just a single kiss? It was an actual snog?”

“Well, yeah? The dare was for five minutes.”

Sirius felt like he might faint. Mary had snogged Moony. She had snogged him for five whole minutes. “Sorry, continue.”

“Barty and Dorcas kissed, Regulus and Remus kissed-”

“Wait, Remus and Regulus kissed?” Sirius' world had frozen on its axis.

Remus kissed…

Remus kissed… 

Remus kissed… 

Mary read him wrong. “Don’t worry. They didn’t snog, it was just a kiss.”

“Moony… Moony kissed a boy?” 

Mary’s mouth made an ‘o’. “Wait, y’all aren't-”

At that moment, Remus and Peter walked in. Sirius stood up.

“I told you that they were getting high!” Remus grinned, turning to Peter and holding out his palm. Sirius felt himself drawn to the smile. “Pay up, Wormy.”

Peter groaned and checked his pockets. “I don’t have any sickles. Will Hershey do?”

Sirius didn’t know what ‘Hershey’ was.

That made Remus grin wider. “Chocolate is always an acceptable substitution, Petey.”

“How’d you know we were getting high?” Mary asked. Sirius looked at her. She was eyeing him in a way that made him sit down again, this time with his back to the railing.

Remus tapped the side of his nose. Sirius knew how good Remus’ sense of smell was, but Mary didn’t know that he was a werewolf so she wasn’t as easily convinced. “I think you overplay your nose, Remus.”

Remus and Peter sat down in front of them, forming a small circle on the floor. Remus smirked, “I also couldn’t help but notice that my stash and zippo were missing.”

Mary rolled her eyes and passed them over. “You don’t even need the zippo, you could do it with your fingers.”

“It’s about the sentimentality, Maisie.”

“Wait, you can light them with your fingers?” Sirius asked, looking back at Remus.

“Yeah, watch.” Remus pulled out a joint, placing it between his lips. Sirius was now looking at Remus’ lips. Great. Remus held up his hand and snapped; the end of the joint lit up.

“Whoa!” Sirius exclaimed. Remus wiggled his eyebrows and Sirius tried not to go red.

“What happened to Michael?” Mary asked. Sirius wanted to punch her, instead he glared. She glared back.

“Slug Club meeting.”

“Ew, unfortunate.” Sirius wrinkled his nose.

“I agree.” Remus said, passing his joint to Peter.

Mary and Sirius’ had just burnt out, so they passed the one among the four of them. They all got high and it was good. Sirius forced it to be good. Maybe he looked at Remus a lot, his feelings less guarded while he was high, but who was to notice? Moony looked good like that: free, unbothered, laughing with his whole chest, unafraid to take up space.

Sirius liked Moony.

He really did.

He just shouldn’t.