Every Scar Has Its Secrets

Sirius woke up to Remus giving him a head massage and talking to James.

“Looking good prongs. Might wanna put some clothes on, don't really wanna see all that.” Remus laughed.

“Whatever. You're just jealous you don't look this good.” James shot back, you could almost hear the eyeroll in his voice.

Sirius spoke up, his voice tired and crackly. “Mmm. He’s hotter…”

“You’re biased.”

“No. Sorry James, but he has a bigger dick. Especially with the moon being this close.”

Remus had to hold back a laugh.

“Nine…” Sirius mumbled.

“Holy shit mate, I don't think I can compete with that.” James responded.

“Werewolf dick would be great.”

“It’d be dangerous.” Remus stopped playing with his hair.

“I like pain.”

“I know you're a masochist but how high is your pain tolerance? And how'd you figure it out?”

Sirius took a deep breath before answering. “I got called into the study in the middle of rubbing one out and the lacero lowkey felt good. And I guess I figured it out when the abuse stopped hurting.”

Remus seemed to soften a bit. “How bad was it?”

“How bad was what?”

“Your home. Before hogwarts.”

“It was better than it was once I started school. You've seen the worst it's been.” He paused for a minute. “I'm not there anymore though so it's okay. Waiting for the howlers saying me and Reggie are disowned.”

“Are you okay with that? Being disowned?” Remus didn't stop playing with Sirius’s hair.

“Yeah. I mean it’ll be weird for a bit, and not being able to talk to cissa and bella will suck, but i still have Reggie and Andy so i think i'll be okay. I can get out of whatever hell they were trying to shove down our throats. The blood purity bullshit.”

“Yeah I suppose that's for the best…you’ll be okay right?”

“Yeah, it’ll work out, I'll live.”

James was getting ready in the corner, standing by his wardrobe.

“I know you’ll live.” Remus laughed. “You’re a lot of things, but you're not a quitter.”

Sirius smiled but it dropped almost immediately as he curled more into Remus.

Remus kept playing with my hair, obviously getting more worried. “Are…are you alright?”

“Yeah…im not gonna go off killing myself or anything.” Sirius got up and walked into the bathroom.

He came out of the bathroom five minutes later and sat down next to him again. James and Peter were out of the room now. “Have I ever told you about Aiya?”

“Aiya?” Remus asked.

“Aiyanna Malfoy.”

“No? I know Lucius Malfoy but I've never heard of Aiyanna.”

“She’s Lucius’s little sister. She was my best friend growing up.”

“You loved her, didnt you?”

“Yeah. We were set to be married. Our parents and their arranged marriage bullshit. We were close in age and from another rich pureblood house. She had a ring and we were starting planning. I was never against the idea of marrying her.”

“So…why didn't you? Get married, I mean.”

“Well i'm not seventeen yet, and i'm ninety nine perfect sure im getting disowned. But she…can't.” He got a bit mumbly and started playing with the necklace again. He wanted Remus to know about her, especially with her birthday being so close. It was important. And it was too late to back down now.

“Did her parents call it off?” Remus asked, clearly confused. It made sense that he was confused. Sirius knew he wasn't making sense, but he couldn't just outright say that she's…what happened. He can't even think about it really.

“No. Her dad is one of the best dads I've ever met. He's got some shit going on, and fell into a dark bit of schizophrenia for a while. Her moms dead. Died when we were five. And her brother isn't completely terrible. Married to my cousin but he doesn't completely suck.”

“Damn…” Remus whispered, mainly under his breath. “Does she still deal with her parents' issues?”

Sirius shook his head. “Her brother does…she doesnt.”

“Do you still talk to her?”

“...no…”

“Oh…why not? If she means this much to you? Why wouldn't you still be in contact with her?”

“Divination isn't answering the questions I want it to.” He unclipped the necklace and took the ring off the chain. The ring was too small for it and had three diamonds, the ring still looked brand new, unlike the chain.

“Do…Do you want to see her again?” There was a hint of jealousy in Remus’s voice.

“Yeah. I would in a heartbeat if I could. But it's not physically possible, I think.”

“Do you still love her?”

“Yeah.” Sirius paused, looking at him. “Not like I love you though. She’d still be my best friend, my everything, but not romantically.”

“Why isn't she? What happened?”

Sirius curled his knees into his chest, putting his head down onto his knees. “You’re really gonna make me say it?”

Remus put a hand on Sirius’s back, rubbing in circles slowly. “Yeah love…I think I am.”

He took a deep shaky breath and didn't respond for a moment, trying not to cry in front of Remus. “Shes…She's dead, baby.”

Remus was silent for a minute, his voice was shaky when he eventually did speak. “When? How? What?”

“Last year. Killed herself.”

“How’d you deal with that? How did we not know? You just like…pushed it down?” Remus seemed more surprised than anything else.

“I had to. No one knew me and Aiya even talked. Our families were already having issues. It was up to me and her to fix it…I have her note. I keep it on the wall by my bed.”

“Shit, babe. What does the note say?”

Sirius got up from the bed and walked over to his bed, pulling one of the pieces of parchment he has on his corkboard by his bed. He sat back down and handed the note to Remus. Even just looking at her handwriting hurt, there was a lump in his throat that he couldn't swallow down.

‘Hey, I'm sorry. I tried really I did. Really really. I promise (lock it in Siri). I thought I had a bit more left but it ends here. Tonight. I love you all more than words can express and I need you to know that.

Dad; please please remember to take your meds and go back to that therapist if you need to.

Luci (Lucius): good luck with the wedding. I'm so sorry I have to miss it. But I'll be there in spirit. Keep one of my rose quartz (the pink ones) or moonstone crystals with you if you want. Love and protection. I’ll tell momma you said hi.

Jr, Evi, and Reggie (Barty, Evan, and Regulus.); look out for Siri for me. I don't think he's gonna take this well. You three are the best friends I could ever ask for and I love you all so much.

Siri; please please please be okay after this. If an afterlife exists I don't wanna see you here until you're old and wrinkly and gross and your dicks all shriveled up and raisney. You didn't do anything wrong. This isn't your fault. It was unavoidable, but I promised my love, we’ll meet again one day. I know you’ll find someone who could love you better than I ever did. Someone who was truly made for you. I was just your practice. Step one. Not your soulmate. I did a reading earlier. It confirmed that. I'm not the one made for you, but you were the one made for me. Its some fucked up bullshit the star gods decided to put us through. You'll get over me and find someone so much better for you I promise. The ring is in the drawer of my nightstand. Promise me you’ll be alright. And lock it in. it does not work if you don't lock it in. I love you so much. This is just book one. I’m not in the sequel. I’ll be watching you from behind your star. Always and forever, Aiya.

To the rest of you, farewell. I’m signing off for good this time.

-Aiyanna Malfoy’

Remus finished reading the note and set it down on the bed carefully. “I know this might be a dumb question, but are you okay?”

Sirius laughed a bit, still teary eyed. “I think that's the stupidest question i've ever heard.”

“Yeah I guess it was really dumb.” He smiled and bit and grabbed Sirius's hand. “That one line…lock it it, what does that mean?”

Sirius took a deep breath before speaking, trying to figure out how to explain something so simple yet so complicated. “It uhh, it was a stupid little promise thing that we had. She never believed that words could hold so much value. She needed an action to go with it. It was basically a pinky promise but instead of saying ‘pinky promise’ one of us would ask ‘lock it in?’ and the other would either have to respond with ‘lock it in’ and do a pinky promise with the hand kiss thing, or not respond at all. If we didn't respond it was an empty promise. You can't lie on a lock. We had a few things that were just for us. Some of them I've transferred to you actually.”

“Do I get to know other things?”

“Yeah. some of the nicknames, baby, babes, my love especially. I use all of them on you but I know that she’d want me to. Obviously they lock it in promises, and dick jokes. A lot of dick jokes. It was our first time. We were like eight or something and stole her brother's porn magazines a few days after I figured out I could get hard, which I told her about immediately because I didn't know what was going on. And the readings. No one else has ever done a tarot reading on me. Even in class, I'll always refuse or I won't answer honestly. There's probably only a few people I'd let do a reading on other than her.”

“Wait. Tarot readings?” Remus asked.

“Yeah…? Why is that the only thing you picked up on?” Sirius laughed, a bit of the sadness leaving his face.

“No no I heard everything else too, but why can only certain people do readings for you?”

“It was her thing. I bought her the cards and she would always practice on me. I also haven't met anyone that takes it seriously like that other than the divination professor.” He was playing with the ring from his necklace, sliding it on as far as it would go on each finger mindlessly, he had the spot where the ring stopped memorized.

“Damn. she really must’ve been your everything for you to get her a gift like that.”

“What?”

Remus raised an eyebrow in surprise. “What do you mean? You got her an extremely personal gift and you're confused why I'm surprised? You don't just give someone tarot cards.”

“Wait, you know about shit like that? You're not even in divination.” Sirius asked.

“I don't have to be in divination to know about it. I do my own readings sometimes.”

Sirius knew Remus had secrets, but tarot readings were not something he expected from him. “You do readings?”

“Yeah sometimes.”

“Can I see your deck? I wont do a reading or ask anything and i have crystals to cleanse it after if you're worried about it.” He knew how excited and desperate his tone sounded but he wanted to see what a deck from someone who takes readings seriously is like, he’s used to Aiyannas, but he's never seen anyone else's.”

“Yeah… I guess.” He got off the bed and dug through his trunk for a moment before coming back with the deck. They were held together with a hair band.

Sirius grabbed the cards from him and started shuffling the wait Aiya did. It wasn't the traditional way and the divination professor always got mad at him for it, but it looked cooler and in his opinion it worked better.

Remus seemed off, like he was anxious or panicky. “You okay, baby?” Sirius asked, not looking up from the cards.

“It’s just weird, having someone else shuffle them. And you look like you have experience with it.” Remus mumbled.

“I have experience with hers. I have them if you wanna see them. I can get the crystals to hold on.” He set his cards down next to Remus and got off the bed, walking to his bed and pulling out a small box and a few crystals. He went back to Remus’s bed and laid the crystals out on top of his cards to cleanse it while he opened the box with Aiyas cards, sitting back down and crossing his legs kindergarten style. “Be careful with them please.”

Ayannas cards were definitely more used than Remus’s. His were stiffer and not as broken in. Aiyas were clearly well used. Remus flipped through the cards slowly, seeming to admire each one, his expression seeming to go through every emotion possible.

“You seem…conflicted.” Sirius spoke up.

“Yeah…i guess that's one way to describe it.” Remus mumbled, handing the cards back.

“Cards can do that.”

Sirius took the cards and started shuffling, asking a question in his head, ‘why’s he being weird?’

He waited until a card fell and picked it up. The magician. “You’re jealous.” He looked up at him, looking for confirmation.

“It’s that obvious?” Remus asked, tensing up slightly.

“The cards don’t lie, love.”

“I guess they don't.”

“Why?” Sirius asked, mindlessly shuffling. He put the ring on the table next to them so it didn't get lost in the bedsheets.

“It’ll sound stupid.”

“I just told you about my dead ex girlfriend that you didn't even know existed, nothing’s stupid right now. Why're you jealous?”

“Her deck feels more powerful than mine.”

“It's not.” Sirius stated, realizing he should probably explain. “You’re used to the way your energy feels, so it feels weaker than an outside energy. From an outside perspective on both they're both even.”

“Oh…Thank you.” He looked down, seeming embarrassed.

“You’re jealous of her too aren't you?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah…”

Sirius didn't respond. He started shuffling again, laying the cards he pulled in a somewhat specific order. The reading Ayia mentioned in the note. He does this one on him and Aiya every now and then, and he always gets the same answer, the same thing she got.

He rolled his eyes as he laid down the last card. The six of cups. Unrequited love.

“Same as always.” Sirius said under his breath as he collected the cards.

Sirius looked up at Remus. “That wasn't about you don't shit yourself.”

Remus seemed to relax a bit but still seemed weird. “Huh?”

“I was seeing if she was right. She always is.”

“About…unrequited love?”

“Yeah. remember in the note she mentioned a reading. I was hers but she's not mine? I did the same reading. I always get the same cards. I'm assuming that's what she got too.”

“So she was in an unrequited relationship?” He still seemed confused.

“No. I loved her. It was in the soulmate way…speaking of "I've been meaning to do another one.” He started shuffling again.

“For…you?” Remus asked.

“Us.”

“Us?”

“Yeah. you'll see.” He started drawing cards again, getting completely different ones. The last one he pulled, the one that determines the fate of the relationship, was the lovers. Sirius smiled and looked up at Remus. “You’re stuck with me love, the cards said so.”

“The cards…what?”

“Soulmates, if you believe in that. If you don't then the cards think we’re good for each other.”

“Normally I don't believe in soulmates.” Remus said, pausing like he wasn't done. “But…”

“But what baby?” Sirius smiled.

“What if we are?”

“The cards don't lie.”

James walked into the room, looking between the two of them, clearly confused by the cards, Regulus followed soon after, immediately recognizing the cards and the note.

“Why…were you using her cards?” Regulus asked, sounding angry.

“I don't see a problem with it. She gave them to me, Reggie.”

“You don't see a problem with it? Those are - were - HER cards.”

“I'm aware. But the cards hold both our energies, we've always used them interchangeably and you've never had a problem with it.” Sirius collected the cards and put them back in the box.

“Of course I have a problem with it now. She's…gone.” There was a hint of sadness and desperation behind the angry tone of his voice.

“I know. But she’s still here. In the stars, remember? Come here, I wanna show you something.” He grabbed the ring off the table, her ring.

SIrius pointed to one of the three diamonds, left side. “That's the stars.” right side. “That's the afterlife.” middle. “That's us, all five of us.” There were five prongs holding the center diamond in place instead of the usual four.

“How’d we never notice that?” Regulus asked, his voice softer now, the sadness showing through.

“We never mentioned it. Only me and her knew. She wanted it that way. Nothing that we had planned for that wedding was for just me and her, it was always for all of us.”

“Of course she wanted it that way, but you still should have had stuff for just the two of you.”

“The group was always more important than some stupid arranged marriage, even if we were actually together. Our names are engraved on each of the prongs. It's hard to see but if you look close enough it's there. Siri, Aiya, Reggie, Jr, Evi.” He pointed to each one as he said the names. “Are you still mad at me?”

“No…Just seeing the cards…”

“I know. But she's better now. Love you.”

“Love you too.” Regulus mumbled back, still looking at the ring.

“Happy birthday by the way, I know it's kinda shitty, sorry.” Sirius laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

Reggie smiled slightly. “Thanks, and it's okay.”

Sirius wrapped his arms over Regulus’s shoulders and pulled him down onto the bed with him. Regulus put an arm over Sirius and buried his face into Sirius’s shirt.

They sat there like that for a while. Remus and James both looked concerned and Sirius sat there, rubbing Regulus’s back. Like he knew exactly how to handle this, because he did.

“Do you need anything bubs?” Sirius asked.

“Just don’t leave.” Regulus responded, squeezing Sirius a bit tighter.

“I'm not going anywhere.”

“I miss her.” He whispered, his voice a bit scratchy like he was holding back tears.

“I know. I miss her too.” Sirius whispered back, staying strong for him, the same way he has been. He doesn't cry in front of Reg, he needs to be the one to take care of it.

“Why’d she have to go?”

“I don't know. I think the pressure got to be too much. She was bad for a while.”

“How long is a while?”

“A couple months. She kept holding on for us. I spent hours in her room with her while she cried into my chest saying how done she was, right around when her dad got bad again. Let's stop talking about it, yeah? It's only making you feel worse.” Sirius was close to losing it too, he needed to stop talking about it for himself, not only for reg.

“Yeah…sorry.”

“It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong.”

They were quiet for a minute before Regulus spoke up again. “She was hurting for so long…”

“Shhh. She's better now. She's happy, we’ll see her again eventually.” Sirius felt himself breaking, he wasn't gonna be able to hold it much longer if they kept talking.

Regulus got up to go to the bathroom, Sirius grabbed Aiyas stuff and moved back to his bed, putting her stuff back in the spot that it was in originally and sitting down, waiting for Reg to come back.

“Sorry.” He mumbled to Remus and James.

“It’s okay..” Remus came over and sat next to him.

Sirius kissed him quickly and leaned against his shoulder while he waited for Reg to come back.

Regulus opened the door and leaned against it.

“You alright?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah. I'm fine.”

“No you’re not. Come here.”

Remus got up as Regulus walked over. He sat down and laid into Sirius the same way as before, gripping onto his shirt.

“I'm not going anywhere. Promise.”

“Not ever?” His voice was small and he sounded the way he did when he was little.

Sirius didn't want to make a promise he couldn't keep. “I won't leave.” If he didn't say the words it didn't count.

Regulus squeezed a bit tighter and his breathing got shaky. Sirius closed the curtain around his bed and rubbed his back.

Sirius sat there as Regulus cried, trying to keep himself calm. “You’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.” He whispered, trying to convince both of them the same thing. They stayed like that until they both fell asleep.