Every Scar Has Its Secrets

There was a phone booth in the far corner of the village. It was old and dingy and falling apart, but it worked.

Sirius sat on the floor of the phone booth, leaving the door open for better air flow and watching Remus dial the number. Phones were weird. He didn't understand how they worked and felt like it would take too long to learn. He still wonders how they work sometimes, especially in this case. How does it go to the one specific phone all the way in Wales from the middle of the woods in scotland? Remus sat down on the floor across from Sirius holding the phone to his ear.

“Momma?” Remus asked quietly into the phone, waiting for the response. Sirius couldn’t hear anything.

“Yeah, hi, I miss you too, is dad around?” Sirius raised an eyebrow at him, he rolled his eyes and looked away.

“Iawn, sori. Dim ond eisiau gwneud yn siŵr. Ddim eisiau iddo fynd yn wallgof na all ddeall yr hyn yr ydym yn ei ddweud.” He responded, speaking so fluently it sounded like he only ever spoke Welsh, even though Sirius has never heard it.

“Ie, ie. Beth bynnag, chi'n iawn? Rwyf wedi ysgrifennu atoch ac nid ydych wedi ateb.”

“Mae hynny'n dda. Nid yw wedi rhoi ei ddwylo arnoch chi'n iawn? Byddaf yn ffycin lladd ef os yw wedi.” His tone changed slightly, almost sounding angry.

“O. Iawn. Sori am eich poeni pan fyddwch chi'n brysur. Efallai y gallwn sefydlu amser lle mae'r ddau ohonom am ddim fel y gallwn siarad? Mae gen i lawer i ddweud wrthych amdano. Rwy'n meddwl y byddaf adref ar gyfer y Nadolig eleni hefyd.”

“Hwyl momma. Rwy'n dy garu di.”

He stood up and put the phone back, the usual brightness in his eyes was a little darker than normal.

“You speak Welsh?” Sirius asked, still surprised. He understands why Remus likes to ask him to speak french. Remus was somehow hotter when he was speaking Welsh.

“Yeah. I grew up in Wales fuckface.”

“Oh. I forgot about that bit.”

“Dumbass.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and stood up, leaning against the wall of the phone booth. “You alright moons?”

“Yeah, fine. You still wanna go to hogs head?” There was a sadness in his voice that Sirius hadn't heard before.

“Moony, what's wrong?”

“Nothing. Can we go now?”

Sirius nodded slowly and left the phone booth, grabbing Remus’ gand as they walked.

“Moons you're shaky.”

“Drop it Sirius.”

“Sorry.”

He wasn't okay. Sirius knew that much. He's seen Remus sad before, but never like this. It was almost like he was scared, and there was nothing Sirius could do about it.

He moved a little closer and squeezed Remus’ hand. Remus squeezed back and seemed to relax a bit.

They walked into the pub and found a spot in the corner. Students tended to prefer three broomsticks, and stayed away from hogs head, with it being in the back of the village and away from most shops. It was peaceful in a way. Remus patted his pockets and grabbed his wallet before sitting down.

“We didn’t think this through. We’re underage.” Sirius looked at him, grabbing his own wallet.

“I got a fake id over the summer. It’s a muggle id, but I can say I left my school id in my room and this is all I have. It says I'm seventeen, and I'll order for you.” Remus answered, flashing the id and standing up again, walking towards the bar.

He came back a few minutes later with a round of shots, a bottle of firewhiskey, and a glass of water.

“Had to tell them you were getting water since they recognized you.” He mumbled, taking a shot.

Sirius smiled and opened the bottle. He hated being drunk, but it would help for a little bit, and Remus was there, that always made things better. Remus drank more than Sirius did, he didn't want to get fully drunk, he needed to be sober enough to make sure Remus doesn't do anything stupid.

They went to find James and Peter after they finished the drinks, stumbling out of the bar, Remus was properly drunk and giggling loudly, Sirius played along, only slightly tipsy. Remus had taken off his jacket and his hair was messed up, both his and Sirius’ wallets in his pocket, and his belt unclipped. Sirius could feel how red his face was and had unbuttoned 4 of the buttons on his shirt.

“Guys what the fuck!” James yelled across honeydukes when they walked in. “Peter, stop making out with her for a minute and get your ass over here!” He continued, mouthing a ‘sorry’ to Lily and walked towards them.

“Hi James” Sirius waved, Remus put his hand on his shoulder to steady himself.

“Hi Sirius. You wanna explain what this shits about?” He asked.

Peter walked up to them, standing next to James.

“Home first. I want chocolate.” Remus mumbled, the sad tone in his voice still there, just not as noticeable.

“Fine. Just don’t be stupid on the way back.” James rolled his eyes, walking out the door.

They made their way back to the castle slowly, Remus and Sirius stumbling and laughing most of the way. Remus was clearly trying to hide the fact that he’s upset, but also somehow seemed to be enjoying himself.

James slammed the door once they were all there, sitting them down on Remus’ bed, treating it like an interrogation.

“One of you explain to me what the fuck you were thinking.” He said loudly, Sirius flinched slightly, grabbing Remus’ hand again.

“Pads was sad. He got a howler earlier and wanted to take his mind off things.” He slurred. James’ expression changed, he was noticeably less mad, and seemed more worried than anything.

“Dammit moony you don’t have to tell everyone.” Sirius mumbled, avoiding eye contact with anyone.

“Moony you need to lay down, Padfoot come here.” James said softly, grabbing Sirius’ free hand. They sat down on James’ bed, still avoiding eye contact.

“She found out about Moony. She wants us home for christmas.” He whispered.

“It could be worse right? Obviously it could be better, she could be better. But there's nothing we can do right? If she does anything you know our floo address, my parents said you're always welcome. It’ll be alright.” He put up a silencing charm, even though it was only Remus and Peter, some conversations are better to have privately.

Sirius nodded slowly, picking at his nails.

“You’re not drunk are you?” James asked, pulling Sirius’ hands apart.

He shook his head. “Only a little. Moony called his mom and seemed upset after. I don’t know what they said, it was all in welsh, but i'm worried about him. I don’t wanna trust him alone.”

“We’ll make sure he’s okay. Even if he doesn't tell us what's going on, he knows he has us, he knows we’re here if he needs us. He’ll be okay.” James grabbed a few chocolate frogs from his drawer and handed two of them to Sirius. “Give one to Moony for me, okay? Love you.”

Sirius nodded slowly and stood up. “Okay. Love you more.”

He curled up next to Remus, playing with the packaging of the chocolate frog. They sat like that for a while, curtains closed, alone in the room, not talking.

“Why can’t we be normal?” Remus whispered, barely audible.

“Hm?”

“Why can’t we be normal? We have to deal with so much more shit. It’d be so much easier if we didn't have all this bullshit piling up on us. We wouldn't have it all if we were normal.”

“I don’t…Moons what are you talking about?”

“Like what if we didn’t have magic, or the hierarchies, or the stupid fucking ministry, and these annoying ass superiors who think its okay to hurt the people the say they love, or these stupid fucking magical creatures, and the stupid fucking werewolves. It’d be so much easier. We’re fourteen Sirius. We shouldn't have to deal with all this. Hell, our worlds on the edge of a war, but the muggles aren't. The muggles don’t have to deal with any of this, and they're too oblivious to notice in the first place.”

He was lying on his back, staring at the top of the canopy.

“We can’t do anything about it though, it's not all bad though. I like the magic, and having the power that we do. It’s nice knowing that I can change things as easily as I can.” Sirius replied, pausing for a second. “And yeah, we’re only fourteen, but we aren’t involved in the war. They wouldn’t do that. We’re too young.”

“You lot aren’t involved. I’ve been involved since I was five. Since all this shit started in the first place.” He whispered, eating one of the chocolates.

“Okay, yeah it gets more complicated because of the whole werewolf thing, but we can figure that out. It gets complicated with me too. I'm automatically assumed to be on the dark side because of my name. When I'm old enough, and I do fight, I have to prove myself more than anyone else does. I've been told that people think I'm a spy, that I got into Gryffindor on purpose so I can give the dark side information on all of you. You’re not the only one with a point to prove.”

“Sirius, that's not what I meant. I don’t have to prove myself. They trust me so much it's almost scary. For fucks sake i got called into a meeting with Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Alastor fucking Moody. They want me to spy for them. They want information on the werewolves. They've recently been sighted more, there's an army of them, suspected to be on the dark side, but there's no proof. As far as we know they're trying to stay out of it, they’re a pack. No one seems to understand that.”

The sadness in his voice was back again, different this time.

“Wait, they asked you to spy for them?”

“Yeah, the said i won’t have to do anything unless they feel like they’re becoming a threat, but one bad moon and suddenly everyones all scared and shit and thinks they're gonna get killed by them and then i have to get myself involved in this stupid fucking war just so i can get them to admit they arent on the dark side but no one will believe me because im fourteen and who the fuck would.”

“Moony you can say no, and your parents would have to sign off on it since you’re a minor. It’ll work out and you won’t have to and everything will be fine, alright?”

Sirius didn't think he was helping much, but he didn’t want to stay quiet, he had to say something, but no promises, he doesn’t want to deal with the guilt of breaking it if things don’t work out.

“Thanks pads.” He mumbled, turning over and wrapping his arms around Sirius, falling asleep.

The more he thinks about it, the more Sirius realizes how many of Remus’ patterns he’s picked up, the most noticeable one being the promises rule. Sirius has always been the type to make empty promises, things he knew he couldn’t keep, just so the other person would feel better, but recently, every promise has meaning, if he knows he can't keep it he won’t promise anything. He feels like breaking a promise, even the small stupid ones, is a level of betrayal. He imagines it as protection spells, each broken promise breaks a spell, you can never know how many spells someone has, but when they're gone, they're gone. You’ve lost that person's trust, betrayed them in a way that is almost unforgivable.

Sirius doesn't make empty promises. Not anymore. Not since he almost lost Moony.