Every Scar Has Its Secrets

It was the first hogsmeade weekend of the year. James and Lily were going together, she had the entire day planned out with timestamps, Sirius didn't understand how James put up with her. He was happy for James of course, he’d been into Lily for as long as he can remember, but she seemed so needy and controlling, he didnt understand what he saw in her, though he didnt understand what anyone saw in girls when Remus was right fucking there. Peter showered and left early, not saying anything to anyone.

“Think Petes got a date?” James asked, getting dressed next to his bed.

“Maybe. There are a couple letters on his table that weren't there last week. Maybe he found a girl.” Sirius smiled, leaning against his bedpost. They engraved their initials on the bedposts right before the end of term in first year, it was the night they decided they were going to leave a legacy, and they started by permanently putting their initials in their room, claiming it as theirs, at least until they replace the beds.

“Good for him. James you and Lily doing anything?” Remus asked, raising his eyebrow slightly.

“She has a list. More in depth than class time schedules. I wanted to get drunk and snog her in a bathroom but its not a battle i'm willing to fight. Also wanted to give you two the day to yourselves.” James shrugged, making his bed and sitting on the edge of it.

“Maybe it's a good thing that I don't like girls.” Remus laughed, walking over to Sirius’ bed.

“No, I think that's just Lily. She’s always been crazy.” Sirius smiled, kissing Remus quickly and leaning against his chest.

James cleared his throat obnoxiously. “Just because i know doesnt mean I wanna third wheel all the time, get a fucking room.”

“We’re in a room James.” Remus pulled out a cigarette and put it between his teeth walking over to the window.

“I thought I told you to stop smoking Moony.” James rolled his eyes, standing up and grabbing his bag.

“He’s hot when he smokes though.” Sirius mumbled to himself.

“Sirius, you think him breathing is hot.”

“It is James! Have you seen the way he breathes?”

“Im leaving before y’all get the chance to fuck eachother.” James rolled his eyes again before leaving the room.

“Damn someone shit in his cereal.” Remus said through a cloud of smoke, his accent getting thicker.

“He’s just jealous that I got you before he did.” Sirius leaned onto the bench remus was sitting on, putting all of his weight in his hands.

“I was gonna try to call my mum later. Is that alright?” He asked, stubbing out his cigarette. “I wanna check on her. She hasn't responded to the letters I've written to her.”

“Yeah of course, i’ll go with you if you want me there, if not i can find James or Peter.” He made his voice quieter, not putting on the act he keeps when people are around.

“Yeah you can come with me. I was asking you to go anyways. Go get ready, I'll meet you downstairs in a bit.” Remus smiled and kissed him before getting up and going downstairs.

Hogsmeade always felt weird to Sirius. He loved being in honeydukes and the bars and being able to get whatever he wanted, but he was always reminded of his family. Most places did. It always felt like he was being policed around by his mother, only allowed to buy what she approved. She was more lenient with Regulus but he still had to practically beg her for anything not school related.

Sirius thinks a lot about the time they were at the sweet shop in diagon alley before Sirius’ first year, Reg was practically on his knees begging for a bar of chocolate. “Maman please? I haven't had sweets in almost a year, and this one is only a sickle. Auntie bought some for Bellatrix and Narcissa, and I promise I won't give Sirius any. Please Maman.”

He eventually would manage to break her down enough, and usually he didn't even want it, but he knew Sirius did. He would share whatever he got with Sirius, even if he was the one who wanted it, he never kept anything for himself.

James snapped in front of his face to break him out of the trance he was in. “You and Moony doing anything today?”

“Yeah.” Sirius mumbled, trying to fully ground himself. “He’s gonna try to call his mum.”

“You alright?” He lowered his voice so the others wouldn't hear.

“Hm? Yeah. Sorry.”

“You’re good.” James put his hand on Sirius’ knee, squeezing slightly before going back to the group's conversation.

“Pads come here.” Remus said loudly from the stairs, sounding worried.

“Why?”

“Just. Fuck i don’t know Sirius just come here.”

“Okay? Everything alright?”

“Probably not.” He held up a red envelope.

“Shit.” He knew it was coming. He tried to be as ready as he could. But with Walburga you could never be ready. Sirius grabbed the envelope from Remus and locked the dorm door behind him. He knew Remus was sitting on the other side. At least he didn't have to look at him any longer. He didn't have to watch him run his hands through his hair repeatedly, making his curls fluffy. He didn't have to see the stupid worried look he had whenever he knew something was wrong.

He opened the envelope slowly, hoping it wouldn't be too loud.

SIRIUS ORION BLACK HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE? AND A HALF BLOOD AT THAT. I TOLD YOU ON YOUR FIRST DAY THAT YOU ARE NOT TO DATE ANYONE. WE ARE IN THE PROCESS OF MARRYING YOU OFF AND YOU GO AND GET YOURSELF A BOYFRIEND? I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE GIVING YOU AS MANY CHANCES AS I HAVE. IF YOU WEREN'T THE HEIR I WOULD HAVE DISOWNED YOU AS SOON AS YOU WERE SORTED. YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'VE MADE IT THIS LONG. YOU'VE DONE EVERYTHING I'VE ASKED YOU NOT TO DO. YOU'RE CURRENTLY FOLLOWING IN ANDROMEDA'S FOOTSTEPS AND I WON'T HESITATE TO PUT YOU THROUGH WHAT I PUT HER THROUGH. NO CHILD OF MINE WILL BEHAVE THE WAY YOU HAVE.

That being said, you and your brother are expected home for christmas. I'm not accepting a conversation about it. You will be present at the events and show yourself how you are expected to. Please relay this to Regulus.

-Walburga.

It could've been worse. But Moony heard it. That made it worse. No one’s ever heard the howlers. He’s always remembered the silencing charms, and the time he forgot was the time she was talking about the person that was listening.

He relaxed against the door frame, hoping that all of it was a dream, hoping that Walburga didn't know Remus even exists. He knows it's stupid to hope for things that won’t happen, he’s known that since he was younger, but hoping for something one time won’t hurt anyone right? At least not anyone else.

“Pads you gonna open the door? I still have to shower.” Remus knocked on the door softly, talking like Sirius was some fragile little kid that would break if someones too loud.

“Mhm.” He mumbled, unlocking the door and moving to the side.

“You alright?”

“Mm.” Sirius shrugged and looked away.

“Pads? That's not an answer.” He crouched down on the floor in front of Sirius, grabbing his hands.

“I know.” He said quietly enough that it was barely audible.

Remus sighed and moved so he was next to Sirius, putting his arm over his shoulder, not saying anything else.

Sirius stared and the ripped up letter on the floor, trying not to let Remus see him cry.

“Need anything?” He matched Sirius’ volume and rubbed his shoulder softly.

“Can we get drunk? I don’t want to think anymore.”

Remus laughed and nodded. “I'll call my mum another day, you’re more important right now. Hogs head?”

Sirius nodded and looked up at him, kissing him and standing up, holding his hand out. Remus took his hand and stood up, kissing him again. “We’ll figure it out. It’ll be fine.” He whispered as he broke the kiss, resting his head on Sirius’.

“You wanna shower right?”

“No, I just wanted you to let me in. I’ll shower later.”

“Bitch.”

“Shut up.”

They walked back downstairs and sat with James and Peter.

“We’re leaving in like five minutes I think.” Peter said, breaking the silence.

“Mhm. What are you lot doing? Me and Moony are gonna call his mum then go to one of the bars probably.” Sirius smiled, putting on an act.

“Pads, I said we don’t have to.”

“I want to. It’s okay.”

“Okay.”

The girls joined them, Lily sitting on the arm of the chair James was sitting in.

“I'm going with a Hufflepuff girl. She asked me out a few days ago. Seems sweet enough.” Peter answered, avoiding eye contact with anyone.

“Good for you Pete. Tell us how it goes later, yeah?” Remus smiled, moving closer to Sirius to make room for Mary.

“Yeah.”

“I’m not gonna be late because you lot can’t shut up.” Lily rolled her eyes, walking towards the portrait. James got up and followed her.

The walk to Hogsmeade was always nice. Not too far, but still far enough that it didn’t feel like they were at school. Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand as they walked, squeezing slightly every few minutes. They were a bit behind the rest of the group. Remus seemed to be sore and was limping slightly. Not enough that it was noticeable unless you pay attention to how he normally walks. He seemed to be favoring his left side, a lot of his injuries seem to be on that side. Sirius decided it was best not to ask. He would say something if it was bad enough.

“You sure you’re alright with me calling my mum?” Remus asked as the group split off from each other.

“Yes I'm sure, I like hearing you talk about your mum. You always seem so happy.” Sirius smiled up at him.

Remus was always careful about talking about his mum around Sirius, but when he did his eyes would always light up and he would be smiling the whole time he’s talking about her, even when it's the stupidest little story that barely makes sense, he was happy, that's why Sirius was okay with it. Sure he wished he had a mother like that, but he didn't have a choice, and he always had James’ mum, so it didn’t bother him too much. Remus loves her. A lot. And Sirius will always listen.