Every Scar Has Its Secrets

“Black are you and Potter fighting or something? You haven't been talking much today.” Mary smiled, looking up from the chess game between Peter and Marlene. Marlene is convinced she’ll win eventually, no one has the heart to tell her Peter has only ever lost one game.

“Hm? Oh. No. Me and James are fine. I don't feel good. That's all.” Sirius mumbled.

Remus was looking at him again, closing his book. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Oh! Okay!” She said happily, turning over to Lily. “Lils you’re sure there isn't a spell for it?”

“Yes Mary. There isn't a spell to get rid of periods. Trust me. I’ve tried.” Lily laughed.

“I fucking wish. Seems like hell.” Sirius said under his breath, hoping no one could hear him.

James looked over. “What?”

“What?” Sirius shrugged, looking over at Remus.

“Uhm. Let's change the topic, yeah? Anyone got chocolate?”

“God damn Moony. Sometimes I think the chocolate is more of an addiction than the cigarettes.” James joked, levitating his quill.

“James, how many times have I walked in on you and Lily since term started?”

“Moony! You said we werent gonna talk about it!”

“Then shut up about me having things I like. At least I have more than one.”

“Moons, stop.” Sirius interrupted quietly. “I have a few chocolate frogs upstairs if you wanna…” He trailed off, motioning to the dorm. Remus smiled slightly and stood up.

They walked upstairs slowly, making sure no one was following them.

“Moony, I was serious about not feeling good. I just don't want to be alone.”

“I know. Do you need anything? We can go down to the kitchens and go get you something to eat if you want.”

Remus sat down on his bed, grabbing a cigarette and handing one out to Sirius.

“Maybe. But also I might not want it when it's there. The thought of eating anything kinda makes me nauseous.”

“I know. But you might feel better. Please? Even if it's only a little bit. Something is still something.”

Sirius sat down on the bed next to him, lighting his cigarette. “Why do you care so much anyways?”

“What?”

“Why do you care so much? Like about me eating and being hurt and…” he paused, looking up at the canopy. “...everything?”

“Sirius.” Remus grabbed his hand softly, tracing circles with his thumb. “You're my best friend. I saw how sick you got last year. I saw more than anyone else. You got so small and you were so sick and you were so scared to go home, and, and, I guess I got really worried about you. I wanna make sure you're okay. I can't lose you pads. You mean too much to me.”

“Remus.”

“Yeah.”

“I…Nevermind.”

“What? What's wrong?”

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

It wasn't this hard with anyone else. He says how much he loves James all the time. He knew he loved Remus differently, but it shouldn't be this hard to say. It's three words. Three simple fucking words.

“Come on. We’ll go get something to eat. Okay?”

He stubbed out his cigarette as he got up.

“Can't we get high instead?” Sirius asked smally, not moving.

“After you eat. We can take the cloak if you want. And I can find the map so they won't know where we are. And you don't have to say anything. I can ask the house elves for you. Please?”

“Moony. I have the map. And okay. But not a lot? I think I'd throw up if I eat too much.”

“Yeah yeah of course. As long as you eat a little bit then it's alright. Then we can get as high as you want.”

Sirius smiled and got up, grabbing Remus’ hand and putting the cloak over both of them. Remus laughed at the height difference and kissed him quickly before they walked out.

Sirius has never been in the kitchens before. Peter was usually the one to go down there to get stuff, they liked him more, and Sirius never really liked house elves. Reminded him to much of grimmauld place.

“Before we walk in, what do you want?” Remus asked quietly, pulling them into a corner.

“You.”

“No. You need to eat. I'm not doing anything until you do.”

“Fuck. Worth a shot I guess. I don't know, something salty.”

“And something to drink. Okay.”

He started walking towards the kitchens again.

“What?”

“You want something salty. You’re probably dehydrated.”

They took off the cloak before walking into the kitchens. Sirius closed the door behind them, and leaned against it.

“You’re allowed to walk into the room.” Remus laughed. Sirius shook his head quickly, looking away.

“Mr. Lupin.” One of the house elves said happily. “It's been awhile since you…” the elf trailed off, staring at Sirius. “Oh. Mr. Black. Uhm. Hello?”

“Moony, can we go?” Sirius mumbled, looking away from the elf.

“Yeah. One second.” Remus filled a plate with snacks and walked back over to him, leaving the kitchen and putting the cloak back over them.

“The hell was-” Remus started, getting cut off by Sirius kissing him.

“Sorry.” Sirius whispered after he broke the kiss, walking back towards Gryffindor tower.

“Okay?” Remus smiled, his eyebrows creased slightly.

James was in the room when they got back.

“Sorry. I was just about to leave. You two have fun.” He yelled as he left the room.

“I know im all fucked up right now, but you cant tell me that wasnt weird?” Remus laughed, setting the plate down and grabbing a cupcake.

“I’ll ask him about it later. He wont tell me anything but I'll try.” Sirius replied, grabbing a cigarette and sitting down on Moony's bed.

“You’re eating first.” He grabbed the cigarette out of his mouth and handed him the plate.

“Moony im not-”

“Shut up.”

“Okay.”

They sat in silence for a while, Sirius sitting on Remus’ bed, Remus sitting on the floor leaning against James’ bed, both staring at the plate of food sitting in between them.

“I'm nauseous.”

“You’ll feel better if you eat.”

“But Moony, what if I don’t and I throw it all up?”

“I'll hold your hair back.”

“Moony.”

“Sirius.”

Remus took a deep breath and stood up. “I'll leave the room if it will help, but you have to promise me you’ll at least eat something?”

Sirius nodded and leaned back against the headboard as Remus walked out.

He picked at the plate slowly, only eating a few of the chips and a cookie, his record player playing softly in the background so it wasn't completely quiet.

He grabbed Remus’ hand-rolled cigarettes before going back down to the common room and sitting on the window ledge.

“Oh, you’re still awake? I thought you were asleep when Remus came back out.” Marlene smiled at him.

Sirius nodded and looked over at James and Remus.

“Promise?” Remus asked.

“Promise.” Sirius answered, lighting the cigarette in his mouth.

“James I fucking told you.” Peter yelled, looking up from his book.

“Pete they aren’t. I asked Moony. Drop it. Even if they were, it wouldn't be our business.” James rolled his eyes.

“But James, it's weird isn't it? Especially because of Sirius being-.”

“Peter shut up. I already told you to drop it.”

Everyone in the common room was staring at them. It was rare that any of the marauders actually fought. More than just bickering at least. And no one was ever fighting with Peter, usually he doesn't say anything that could piss anyone off.

“If i knew my sex life was gonna be part of the conversation I would've stayed upstairs.” Remus whispered, running a hand through his hair.

“Moony, what's he on about?” Sirius asked smally. He knew what he was talking about. He knew someone would react like this when they found out, but Peter wasn't on the list of people he thought would react like this.

“Don’t worry about it. He's assuming shit that he can't prove.” Lupin responded, sitting down next to him and grabbing a cigarette.

“I am worried about it though. What if he starts telling other people and it spreads and then the whole school knows?” He was quieter now, hoping the rest of his friends couldn't hear him.

“Again. No proof. No ones gonna believe anything if there isn't a reason to believe it other than ‘they’re really close and seem to care about each other a lot.’ Okay?”

“Okay.”

“It’ll be fine. No one will find out. Not until you're ready.”

“Maybe we should tell them?” He motioned to the group crowded around the table in their normal corner. “At least James. I don't want to keep keeping secrets from him.”

“Whatever you want pads. I don't care if people know or not.”

“I want them to know.”

“James or all of them?”

“All of them.”

Remus smiled softly, stubbing out his cigarette and grabbing the rest of Sirius’ out of his hand.

“Whenever you want to tell them. Let me know.” He got up and started walking away.

“Moons wait.”

“Hm? I’m just going to shower. Calm down.”

Peter looked up from his book again. “Bet he wants to-”

“Peter!” James and Lily yelled at the same time.

Sirius looked around at the group, most of them staring at him. “I put a couple chocolate frogs in your drawer if you want some.”

“Thanks pads. You're the best.” Remus smiled, going up the stairs two at a time.