Every Scar Has Its Secrets

Peter was awake when they got back to the dorm, his hair wet from showering.

“Morning Pete.” James mumbled, collapsing on his bed.

“Morning. Sorry I bailed last night, didn't feel great.” Peter mumbled back.

“It's fine. Honestly better that you weren't there. It would've been harder for James to have to keep him off you too.” Sirius responded softly, walking over to the mirror and lifting up his shirt.

There was a deep cut from where his shoulder blade ends to his stomach, spiraling around his back. He grabbed his wand, bandaging it up and taking a deep breath, ignoring the pain in his ribs. That could've been from the summer though, he wasn't fully sure.

“Holy shit.” Peter said under his breath. “What uh, what happened?”

“Don't worry about it. Remus doesnt find out about this either, James are you okay”

James nodded but didn't seem completely sure. “It's probably only bruised, he was pushing against me really hard, that's all.”

He was lying. It was obvious he wasn't okay, but if it was really bad he’d tell Sirius right? Is this what he feels like when Sirius doesn't talk?

Remus walked through the door to the dorm, limping slightly. “Well? How was it?” He asked nervously sitting down on his bed.

“She let you out this early? We've barely been back five minutes.” Sirius said loudly, looking over at James.

“You're avoiding the question. It was bad wasn't it? I told you it was a bad idea. I knew it would be bad this time. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ever dragged you guys into this in the first place. How bad are you guys? I can go get Poppy, and I know how to heal cuts so they won't scar as much. And and-”

“Remus.” Sirius cut him off. “It was fine. The same way it always is, just like I told you it would be.” He walked towards him, grabbing his hands. “I promise.”

Remus nodded and sat down on his bed, leaning against the headboard of the four poster. “Sorry.” He whispered, looking away.

James and Sirius looked at each other before James got up. “I'm gonna shower.” He mumbled, walking past Sirius.

They sat in silence for a while, Remus picking at his nails, Sirius looking at the floor, and Peter staring at the two of them with that worried look he has when he has to keep a secret.

It still hurt, but he wouldn't show it. He didn't want Remus to know what the wolf did. He’d blame himself. The room was starting to get warm and small and almost suffocating.

“Breakfast?” He asked smally, looking towards the door.

Peter nodded and rushed out of the room, Sirius waited back with Remus who was still limping. “You alright?” Sirius asked, putting a hand on his arm.

“Fine. Thanks.” Remus replied quickly, pulling his arm away.

The rest of the walk was quiet, a few mumbled ‘morning’s to other students that said something to them.

Sirius didn't want to talk, clearly Remus didn't either.

James joined them at the table a bit later, Lily was practically clinging on him the second he sat down.

“Morning?” He said confused, kissing her cheek.

“Missed you.”

“Lily, we spent all of the last few days together.”

“Still. I missed you.”

“Okay okay. I missed you too. I'm hungry though, let go.” He pushed her off lightly and filled up his plate.

Remus rolled his eyes as he was eating. Sirius was staring at the plate in front of him, picking at the food slightly, making himself nauseous.

“Sirius, you haven't eaten much since we got back, is everything okay?” Mary asked, making Remus look up at him, raising his eyebrows slightly.

Sirius nodded. “Yeah. Fine. Just not hungry.”

He pushed his plate towards Peter slowly, hoping Remus didn't notice.

He did.

Remus noticed everything. Especially after a full moon.

Double charms, transfiguration, herbology, and defense against the dark arts today. Not that bad, at least Wednesdays would be tolerable.

Remus massaged his own shoulders slightly, bouncing his leg, and watching Peter eat Sirius’ food.

“Moony calm down. I'll eat later. It's still too early.” Sirius said, grabbing Remus’ wrist from across the table.

Remus pulled away again. “I am calm. And dont touch me. Please. Just for right now.”

Sirius nodded slowly. He knew Remus’ senses were heightened because of the wolf, especially right after a moon, but he's never been weird about physical contact, if anything it was usually more around a moon.

He played with his necklace, he caught himself doing that more often, but didn’t know when or why he started it.

They walked to charms as a group, still not really talking much. Mary, Marlene and Lily realized something was up during breakfast and stayed quieter, not including the boys in the conversation.

The day dragged on slowly, each class period feeling longer than it was. Remus closed the curtains on his bed as soon as they got back from classes, ignoring everyone.

“Moony, what's wrong? I'm not stupid.” Sirius said softly when they were alone.

“I'm not stupid either, Sirius. I know something happened. I was fighting against it. I remember little bits of things. I know I hurt you and James. I know something happened.” He didn't open the curtain, but Sirius could smell the smoke.

“Moony.” He whispered, pulling the curtain slightly. “You’re not the wolf. You didn't do anything wrong. Me and James took care of ourselves. It's okay. I promise.”

Remus shook his head, his eyes getting glossier. “How bad?” He mumbled, his voice breaking slightly.

“It's not that bad, just a scratch. I haven't seen how much James got hurt, but i dont think his is bad either. You didn't bite either of us.” He sat down next to him, grabbing Remus’ hands, light enough that he could pull away if he wanted.

“Can I see it?”

“Moony…”

“Please.” His voice broke again and his hands were getting shaky.

Sirius nodded slowly and took off his shirt, letting Remus move it off slowly.

“Fuck. Pads, I'm so sorry.” He whispered, putting his wand up to the scratch and healing it the rest of the way.

“It's not your fault. I promise.” Sirius whispered, putting his shirt back on.

Remus ran his hand through his hair and held his other pinky out. Sirius linked their pinkies together and laughing slightly.

“You're so stupid.”

“Shut up.” Remus put his hand back down and kissed Sirius lightly.

“It's almost dinner, come on.” Sirius smiled, grabbing Remus’ wrist and pulling him out of the bed and down to the common room.

“Slow down Black, I'm still sore.” Remus laughed, following Sirius down to the common room.

“Hiya Remus. You alright?” Lily smiled as they sat down.

“Yeah. Sorry. I don't feel great.” Lupin smiled back, manspreading on the couch, his knee touching Sirius’.

Peter looked up from his book, staring at Sirius and Remus, not showing any sign of emotion.

“Calm down.” Remus whispered in his ear.

“Hm?” Sirius mumbled back.

“Your heart rate. It spiked after we sat down.”

“Oh.” Sirius nodded, looking down at his lap.

Everyone else was working on homework, James was trying to secretly copy Lily's notes, and no one was talking. Awkward silence was rare for the marauders, but this time was more awkward than any other time. He couldn't figure out why this time was so different, maybe knowing that Remus can hear his heartbeat? Or the fact that Peter was still staring? Whatever it was needed to stop, Sirius wanted to walk away or curl up in a ball and disappear. Anything to get him away from the quiet.

The map was in James’ pocket, about to fall out. Sirius grabbed it quickly and put it in his own pocket before standing up.

“I'm gonna go walk around.” He mumbled quickly, leaving the common room as fast as possible.

He sat down in the passageway by the Slytherin dorms, leaning against the wall. He hated being alone but he hated people. He hated how trapped he felt on that couch between Remus and James. But he hated his thoughts.

The Slytherin’s started walking to the great hall, the voices got louder and he couldn't make out what anyone was saying. He felt trapped again. The same way he did in the Gryffindor common room.

“Fuck” He whisper yelled, his voice echoing through the passageway.

He couldn't leave. Someone would see him. He’d give away his spot to the Slytherin’s. He wanted Remus to show up. He didn't want to be alone anymore. He didn't want to think anymore.

He shut his eyes and tried to shut out the noise, something he learned back at grimmauld place. It was harder with so many people around, but it quieted it enough that he could calm down.

He waited 15 more minutes before leaving, making sure everyone was gone.

He walked to the great hall slowly, sitting in his normal spot across from Remus and next to James. It was still tight, and loud, and everyone was asking him questions. What the fuck is wrong with him? Why is he like this?

“Pads!” James yelled, snapping in front of his face.

“Hm? Oh. Sorry.” He replied, looking down at his hands.

He still hasn't eaten anything. He knew he had to, but nothing sounded good. He could feel Remus staring at him, his eyes burning into his chest.

“I'm sorry.” Sirius said quietly, barely loud enough for him to hear himself, hoping that Moony would hear him, but not anyone else.

Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand on top of the table, squeezing slightly. “We’ll talk. Later.”