Every Scar Has Its Secrets

Sirius followed Remus upstairs into their dorms. Remus was starting to get restless, pacing by the window of their room.

“Pads, I don't know if you guys should go tonight.” He mumbled, trying to hide the pain.

“Okay, we don't have to, but it helps, I don't want you getting hurt. More than you already are at least.” Sirius responded, walking towards him.

“I know. I want you guys there, but it was bad over the summer, and I don't want the wolf to not recognize you guys. I'd rather it hurt me than you.” He spun his wand around in his hand.

“Moony we have this conversation every year, and it hasn't happened in the 2 years that we've done this. It's up to you, it always is, but if anything happens we can handle it, that's why we charm the door the way we do, and if anything does happen, Prongs is big enough to hold you back for a minute. It'll be okay.” He sat down on Remus’ bed, grabbing a box of cigarettes from the drawer and held one out to Remus.

“I know. I'm sorry. We can try it, but as soon as something happens, if something happens, leave, charm the door, get as far away from the shack as possible. Let me tear myself apart, I don't care about that, I can deal with that, I can't deal with knowing I hurt any of you. I don't know what it's capable of, and I don't want to find out.” He got quieter, lighting the cigarette and pacing faster.

“It'll be okay Moony. I promise.” Sirius reassured again, lighting a cigarette for himself.

Remus nodded, not looking up from the ground.

Peter and James walked in a few minutes later. “Dinner starts in a few minutes, are you going tonight?” Peter asked nervously.

Remus stopped pacing. “Yeah. Sirius needs to eat. We’ll meet you guys down there.”

“Okay” Peter replied, no louder than a whisper before they both walked out.

“Moony, I'm not hungry.” Sirius mumbled, looking down at his lap.

“I don't care. You're eating something.” He said sternly, standing in between Sirius’ legs.

Sirius leaned into his chest lightly, scared to hurt him. Remus wrapped his arms around him, kissing the top of his head. “Something. Even if it's only a little bit.” He whispered.

Sirius nodded, hugging him back.

The great hall was already full when they got there. They sat down at their normal spot, Sirius next to James, Peter and Remus across from them.

Sirius picked at his food again, the thought of eating made him nauseous.

“Sirius.” Remus said loudly. Sirius looked up, making eye contact with the boy across from him. His eyes were different. A darker shade of green, almost glossed over in a way Sirius hasn't seen before. “Please. I didn't want to mention it earlier, but youre getting really small again, I don't wanna see you get as sick as you were before.” He was quieter, but still loud enough to be heard over the noise of the great hall.

Sirius nodded slowly, getting more nauseous. “I'm sorry.” He whispered. Remus kicked him softly under the table.

“It's okay.”

Sirius didn't really talk much the rest of dinner, zoning out and focusing on not throwing up. He ate though, only a little bit, not as much as he normally would, but as much as he could keep down.

Dinner ended and they all got up and started walking out of the hall. “I'm going back to the dorm, gonna try to sleep a bit before tonight.” James said when they got away from the group of people.

“I'm gonna go to the hospital early. See if I can get something before.” Remus responded, cracking his knuckles.

“Do you want someone to go with you?” Sirius asked hopefully.

Remus smiled. “If you want to. But if you're tired at all go with James.”

Sirius shook his head. “I'm not. Probably the adrenaline, but I won't be able to fall asleep.”

Remus laughed again as they split off from the other two boys.

“Clingy much?”

“Shut up. I'm a good friend. Making sure you're okay.” Sirius crossed his arms over his chest.

“You're cute when you're mad.” Remus whispered, putting his arm over Sirius’ shoulders.

“I hate you. You know that right?”

They were almost at the hospital now, Remus slowed down slightly.

“No actually, I didn't know that. Wanna prove how much you hate me?”

“What?”

Remus grabbed Sirius’ arm and pulled him into a broom closet, closing the door and leaning against the wall.

“What’re you doing?” Sirius asked nervously. Remus was never like this, especially this close to a moon. He knew better.

“You said you hate me. I don't believe you. Prove it.”

“Remus it's the night of a moon we can't.”

“I know. That's not what I'm saying.” He smiled, grabbing Sirius by the waist and kissing him.

“Remus stop. We don't have time.” Sirius mumbled, pulling away and looking down at the floor.

“I know.” He smiled. “Just trying to get you all flustered to prove my point.”

“You're an asshole.” He wrapped his arms around Remus’ neck, kissing him again.

“Like I said, you're clingy.” Remus laughed into the kiss.

“Shut up. We gotta go.” Sirius opened the door to the closet and looked around to make sure no one was there. Remus grabbed his ass quickly before they walked out.

“I still hate you.”

“Oh do you now? That kiss told me otherwise.”

“Shut up.”

They walked into the hospital wing and Remus went over to Madam Pomfrey's office. Sirius couldn't hear what they were saying, but he didn't really want to. He didn't want to know exactly how much pain Remus was in. He knew it was bad, but he didn't want to hear him describe it.

“Mr. Black.” Pomfrey said loudly, snapping in front of his face. Sirius nodded slightly, not wanting to make eye contact. “Remus is going to stay here until we have to leave, you are to go back to your dorm. You can come back in the morning before lessons.” Sirius nodded again and stood up.

“Pads.” Remus yelled from the other side of the room. “Come here.”

Sirius walked over to him, keeping his head down.

“It's fine. I'm fine. It's not that bad right now, I'd have to be here anyways.” He said softly, grabbing Sirius’ arm.

“I know.” Sirius mumbled back, barely loud enough for Remus to hear him, holding back tears. He didn't know why he was about to cry. Nothing was wrong. He knew that nothing was wrong. But something felt wrong. Somewhere deep down, something he didn't know about.

“Sirius.” Remus lifted his chin so he was looking at him. “I promise. Calm down. Everythings fine. I'll see you later.” He kissed him quickly, wiping a tear off his face. “I promise.” He whispered again. Sirius nodded and walked out of the hospital wing.

He hit his hand against his thigh as he walked back to Gryffindor tower. He's done this since he was little, almost mindlessly now. It made him focus on the rhythm instead of what was going on in his head, even when he didn't know what was going on. The repeated tapping, the way the impact felt, the noise it made when his pants moved, it had a weird way of quieting his head.

James and Peter were asleep when he got back. He grabbed the map out of James’ bedside table and sat down on his own bed.

Something was wrong, but everything was normal.

He hated how hyper aware he was after being ‘home’. Even if he was only at that house for a day or two, he always had to know what's going on when he got back to school, and normally it goes away after a few days. Why was this year so much different? Normally everythings fine by now, it's usually back by the start of term party. The party was almost 3 days ago.

He grabbed Remus’ hoodie and a pair of sweatpants and walked into the bathroom. He knew he wouldn't want to shower in the morning, and his hair was starting to get greasy. He got into the shower, letting the water pound onto his shoulders, getting the knots out of his muscles.

He washed his hair and body quickly, knowing he didn't have much time until sunset.

James was awake when he went back to the room, trying to wake Peter up. “Sunsets in 20 minutes.” James said loudly, Sirius wasn't sure if it was aimed at him or Peter.

“Peter get your ass up, we gotta go down to the woods before sunset so we can get there in time.” Sirius half yelled, louder than James was.

“Fuck off.” Peter complained, rolling over and falling back asleep.

“Don't go then. It's not like you do much anyways.” Sirius rolled his eyes, grabbing the map again.

James took a deep breath and grabbed the cloak, throwing it over him and Sirius.

They walked down to the woods, watching as Pomfrey walked Remus down to the shack.

“You alright?” James whispered, leaning against a tree.

“Yeah. He's nervous. He almost didn't want us going tonight.” Sirius whispered back, playing with the hem of his hoodie.

“He's always nervous.” James laughed, checking behind them. “Come on. We don't have Peter so we have to try and get past the tree before it unfreezes.”

Sirius nodded, getting under the cloak with James.

They made it to the tree before Pomfrey left, they waited until after she walked away to go into the shack.

The shack was falling apart, boards falling off the walls, the floor creaking with every step. It was honestly surprising it held up through this many moons, through the wolf throwing itself against the door and the walls so many times.

James took off the charm on the door, knocking softly, just in case.

“You're good.” Remus responded. Sirius opened the door a little more before walking in, almost like he didn’t believe that Remus was still Remus.

James closed the door behind them, charming it like they normally do, so that James and Sirius can open the door, but Remus couldn't.

“Where's Peter?” Remus asked quietly. James shook his head.

“He wouldn't wake up. So we left without him.” Sirius answered, leaning against one of the walls.

Remus nodded, He was sitting on the bed, wrapped in a blanket, his face lit up by the sunset.

James looked between the two other boys, starting to put the pieces together.

“Come here.” Remus said softly, moving over and giving Sirius a spot to sit down.

Sirius sat down next to him, leaning into his shoulder slightly.

“Remember the plan. Anything happens. Anything at all. Leave.” Remus said, massaging Sirius’ shoulders softly.

James nodded. “Moony, it'll be fine. Nothing happened before. It won't be different this time.”

Remus nodded, squeezing Sirius’ shoulders harder.

“Moony.” Sirius mumbled, pulling away from him.

“Sorry.” He mumbled back, leaning against the wall again. “The doors charmed right?”

“Yeah. We can open it. You can't. Everythings fine.” James responded, sitting down on the floor.

Remus twitched slightly, moving farther away from Sirius.

“You guys should...we dont have much longer…remember the promise.” He stuttered, turning away.

Sirius nodded and walked over to James, changing into his animagus form. It's been awhile since he's been in his form. He had to get used to the heightened senses again.

He curled up in the corner behind Prongs. This was always the worst part of the night. Hearing Remus be in the amount of pain he's in, and watching him change, and hearing his bones snap and lock into place. It was like something out of a nightmare. But it was still Remus, and Sirius knew he had to be here for him. Them being there made it so much better, even if Remus wouldn't fully admit it, never saying how bad the moons where he's alone are, it was obvious how much it helped. He's been so much better since they've started going to the moons. Even though he gets nervous before. It helps. A lot.

Prongs turned around and rested his head against the wall on top of Padfoot, almost like he was shielding him from what was happening on the other side of the room.

Remus held back a scream that eventually turned into a howl. The worst part was over. Now they just have to hope the wolf recognizes them.

Padfoot got up slowly as the wolf moved over to them. Remus was still there. He was trying to fight it. Which always made the next day so much worse. Padfoot nudged the wolf's arm softly.

The wolf backed away from them, looking at them confused. It's never reacted like this before. Sirius moved forward slightly, being stopped by James antlers.

The rest of the night was blurry. The wolf didn’t recognize them at first. Trying to attack. James held it back for the most part, but Sirius still got hit. The wolf scratched his side, not as deep as the wounds Remus ends up with when he's alone, but deep enough to bleed. A lot.

The wolf stopped fighting a little while later, something changed, it was like it was a completely different animal. It went from not recognizing them at all and trying to kill them, to remembering everything. It walked over to Sirius, nudging him slightly, the same way he would when he wanted to play. Padfoot whimpered softly, backing into the corner again, Prongs standing over him, just in case.

The wolf sniffed both of them before laying down next to them, curling up against Sirius. Prongs laid down too, still staying close.

Sirius woke up to James nudging him with his antlers. Remus was Remus again. They both changed back to normal and Sirius put a blanket over Remus and closed a few of his cuts before they left.