Every Scar Has Its Secrets

Remus tapped on Sirius’ back lightly, trying to wake him up. “Sirius classes just ended, James is probably coming back here to check on you, you gotta get up.”

“I wanna stay here though.” Sirius mumbled sleepily into his chest.

“I know. I want you to stay here too, but do you really wanna have to answer all the questions James is gonna ask? Especially because I'm only wearing boxers and you're in my hoodie.” Remus said, sitting up.

“Fair enough.”

Sirius got up and rubbed his eyes, adjusting to the light in the room. “I'm keeping the hoodie though.”

Remus laughed as he put on a shirt and Sirius’ sweatpants.

Sirius sat down on his bed as the door opened.

“Oh. you're awake.” James said surprisedly, sitting down next to him. “How you feeling?”

Sirius shrugged. “Fine. Hangovers mainly gone now, I just have a headache.”

James reached over and put his hand on Sirius’ forehead. “Pads you're still really warm. Take off the hoodie. It'll help.”

“No.” Sirius said loudly, moving away from him. “Sorry. I uh-i don't have anything under it.”

Peter looked at them all from the doorway. “Isn't that Remus’ hoodie?” He asked.

“He didn't feel good and didn't want to get up to grab one so I gave him mine.” Remus replied, looking up from the book that Sirius didn't realize he started reading.

“Moving on. Sirius we’re all guys anyways, we're not scared of a few scars.” James said, ignoring Peter.

Remus laughed and put his book down.

“I know. It’s not that. There's something else I don't want you to see.” Sirius said, his voice cracking slightly. He played with the necklace he always wore as he walked into the bathroom.

He turned on the shower so hot it hurt. The cuts on his back were finally starting to heal enough that they didn't really hurt anymore but the sting, more mental than anything, was there. He took off the hoodie and stared at himself in the mirror as fog started to fill the bathroom.

He felt gross. Normally he felt so much better after sex. He explained it to Remus as ‘it made him feel wanted, and pretty, and like someone cared.’ And he knows that Remus cares. But he's standing there, in front of that mirror, telling himself he's disgusting, and that no one would ever want someone like him. He turned off the water and put his clothes back on, standing in that shower would kill him right now.

“Your hair is still dry. Sirius what's going on? Normally you're back to normal by now. How bad was she this year?” James said as Sirius walked out.

“James drop it.” Remus shot back, sounding annoyed.

“Sorry.” Sirius mumbled under his breath.

“You didn't do anything. You're fine. No ones mad. I promise.” Remus replied, pulling Sirius over to him. “We’ll go get dinner then we can talk and figure this all out okay?”

Sirius nodded and leaned into him.

They changed and walked down to the great hall, most of the school was already there, Sirius kept his head down and tried to ignore the feeling of everyone's eyes burning into his back.

They sat down next to the girls as the food appeared. Sirius pushed around the food on his plate, leaning into Remus again.

“Sirius you alright?” James asked, looking away from Lily for once.

“I'm fine. Still don't feel great.”

“Alright. I know sometimes she doesn't feed you for a few days so I thought I'd ask.”

“James, I said I'm fine. What the fuck do you not understand.”

“Sorry. I was just trying to be nice. God damn.”

Remus put his hand on Sirius’ knee. Trying to silently calm him down. Their friends were all staring at him. He didn't mean to get mad. It's so much harder to control now though.

“Damn Black who shoved a stick up your ass?” Mary laughed, trying to break the silence.

“Someone from the sacred twenty eight probably. We all knew he was a traitor anyways.” Frank Longbottom said as he walked by.

It was a joke. Sirius knew it was a joke. But the sacred twenty eight isn’t something you can joke about like that. especially Longbottom. He's seen the way Sirius is treated, and he still brought it up in front of all his friends.

Sirius leaned forward and put his head in his hands. Remus traced circles on his back softly.

“He didn't mean it. You know he didn't mean it.” James said quickly, sounding scared.

“I know.” Sirius mumbled, staring at the full plate of food in front of him. “I’m gonna throw up if i have to sit here any longer.”

He got up and walked out of the great hall. Selfishly hoping Remus would follow. Just Remus. Only Remus. He doesn't want to deal with James right now. If James was there then Peter would be there. And if James was there he would bring up how not normal Sirius is being.

He doesn’t remember what normal feels like. He's been not normal for so long that this feels normal. Maybe he can't go back to normal. Maybe he's always gonna be like this. So fucked up he can't feel anything anymore. And nothing has been able to fix it. He gets mad when he's drunk and feels like shit when he's sober.

He moved the tapestry and sat down in the secret hallway they found in second year. The one next to the dungeons. He always ended up back over here. He could never figure out if he was always over here because of Regulus or because of guilt. Guilty for being a gryffindor, guilty for leaving Regulus, guilty for not being a real boy.

He leaned back against the wall, trying to get out of his head. He needs to stop thinking. He needs to be normal.

He sat there for hours. Staring at the wall, blocking out anything he thought about. It was close to curfew now. He knew he should go back. But he didn't want to deal with everyone asking questions. Unless he lied about where he was. But what would he say? It probably depends on the person. He knows he can't lie to Remus, he can't keep a secret from him and Sirius is pretty sure Remus could smell a lie if he wanted to. Especially this close to the moon. James probably wouldn’t question him too much, especially if he has the map.

Fuck.

The map.

He was so wrapped up in feeling so shitty he forgot that they all had a way to see where he was. And none of them showed up. He's been here for hours. Maybe they won't care about where he was. If they didn’t already know.

He got up and walked slowly back to Gryffindor tower. The halls were completely empty. Did he miss curfew? This isn't the first time he's been out past curfew and he knew it wouldn't be his last. He just had to be careful and get back fast.

He walked through the portrait hole and tried to ignore everyone staring at him.

“Black! It's forty-five minutes past curfew. Where the fuck were you?” Longbottom yelled from across the room.

He didnt think about what to say if Longbottom asked. The most perfect prefect Hogwarts has ever had, and he was only a 5th year. The guy who made the shitty sacred twenty eight joke.

“At the scared 28 meeting. Where else would I be?” Sirius responded, smiling slightly and walking over to his friends.

Frank followed him. “There was a meeting tonight? About what?”

“Yeah. Deciding if we’re still gonna be twenty eight without the Weasleys.” He mumbled.

Remus looked at him.

“Undecided. I think they left it up to my mother so it depends on how nice she feels on the deadline day.”

Longbottom took a deep breath and walked away. “Let me know when a decision gets confirmed.” He yelled back. Sirius nodded.

“Was there actually a meeting?” James asked quietly.

“No. Even if there was, why would I be there? I don’t think my mother would appreciate her ‘blood traitor’ kid showing up to fucking sacred meetings.” He laughed, looking over at Remus.

“Blood traitor? You getting into a different house is that bad in her head?”

“No. It's because I talk to you. I talk to blood traitors, so I have to be a blood traitor.”

“Oh. I'm sorry.”

“James, you act like I care. I don't have to deal with their bullshit. I'm fine.”

Remus smiled again and moved closer to Sirius.

“You're back to normal now I guess. All it took was a joke about your family.” Remus laughed, poking his ribs.

“It's called acting Moony. I sat in that hallway crying for fucking hours.” He whispered back, not letting the smile fall.

“Be careful. Let me know if you need anything.” Remus squeezed his thigh slightly.

He nodded, focusing back on their friends. Mary was leaning against the chair that James was sitting on, Lily was sitting on the arm of the same chair, James arm around her waist. Peter was reading a chess book on one of the other couches, and Marlene was sitting on the floor in front of him talking about the girl she likes. She wouldn't say their name, or what house they were in, all she said was they weren't a gryffindor.

Sirius tried to ignore everything going on and only focus on his friends, but the worried looks from Remus, and the voice in his head that kept telling him he should be dead, staying in the conversation was turning out to be harder than he expected it to be.

He went up to his room at around one in the morning, too tired to be around people anymore.