Every Scar Has Its Secrets

He slept like shit that night. He knew why. Lily was in the room. Her and James haven't left eachother alone since the start of term. The honeymoon phase never lasts long though, it’ll crush James, but there's no way they’ll stay like this forever. Sirius didn't wanna put it into the universe, he didnt wanna give the world a chance to prove him wrong, but they won't make it to the end of term.

He needed James and Lily and Peter out of the room. He needed Remus.

He pulled back the curtains slightly on Remus’ bed, putting up a silencing charm.

“Sirius, I'm tired. We’re not fucking right now.” Remus mumbled as Sirius straddled his legs.

“I know. I couldn't sleep.” He whispered, not fully trusting the silencing charm yet. He sat up slightly, holding eye contact for longer than Sirius wanted to.

“Lilys here.” He played with his necklace again, a mindless habit he picked up over the last year or so. “I'm sorry.” He said under his breath, avoiding eye contact.

“You didn't do anything wrong. It's fine. I'm just tired.” Remus responded softly, kissing the top of his head. “I'm going back to sleep. You can stay here if you want, but James might ask questions.”

Sirius smiled and layed down next to him, trying to even out his breathing.

He hated that Lily was there. Even laying in Remus’ bed, he can't sleep when she's in the room. He closed and charmed the curtains, he knew that it would bring up more questions, but it made him feel better about the girl in the bed over.

Remus fell back asleep really fast, he seemed to be sleeping heavier than he was a few minutes before. Sirius laid his head on Remus’ chest, trying to fall asleep.

Lessons started at eight, breakfast opens at six-thirty, and James likes to make Sirius practice quidditch with him at around seven.

Sirius got up at five to shower. He didn't sleep at all the night before, though he didn't know if it was him overthinking, or Lily being in the room, but something fucked him up.

He walked out of the bathroom 20 minutes later. Peter was still asleep, Lily was gone, Remus was sitting by the window smoking, and James was looking for something.

“Morning.” Sirius mumbled.

“Morning.” Remus mumbled back, breathing sharply and adjusting the way he was sitting.

“He's been doing that since he woke up, won't go to Pomfrey though. I've told him to skip lessons and go at least 10 times.” James said, clearly annoyed.

“James, I'm fine.” Remus replied, stepping on the cigarette and standing up slowly. “I've been through worse.” He was clearly in pain, he was breathing heavily, and his voice was different. Sirius has seen him like this before, but never this bad.

“Moony, maybe James is right.” Sirius said quietly, walking towards Remus.

“I'm fine. It's the day before the moon. I'm always sore.” He cracked his neck and looked at Sirius.

“It's never this bad though. At least go ask for a pain potion or something. Please?”

“Sirius, stop. You know she won't just give me a potion, she’d make me stay. I can't miss another day of lessons.”

“You didn't have to miss lessons yesterday Remus. I told you to go.”

“I skipped yesterday for you. I thought that maybe it’d be nice to show you that i fucking care, that i wanted to make you feel better.”

Remus grabbed his tie off the edge of his bed and walked out the door. Sirius knew he wasn't mad, it was because of the moon, he always got like this before a moon, but it still hurt.

“What the hell is going on with you two? Both of you have been so weird since we got back.” Peter asked from his bed.

“Morning Pete.” James smiled.

“Bad summer. Fuck off.” Sirius replied, grabbing one of Remus’ extra ties and going downstairs.

Remus was sitting on one of the window ledges in the common room, smoking again.

“You shouldn't smoke. It's bad for you.” Sirius smiled, grabbing the cigarette out of his mouth and taking a drag.

“Hypocrite.” Remus laughed, grabbing another one.

“Are you okay though? Like actually? I won't push you to go anywhere, but you also need to not push yourself, especially with the moon later, don't risk it.” Sirius whispered, sitting on the ledge next to him.

“I'm fine Sirius. I promise. My back locked up, that's all, I'll be fine. I know when it gets too bad. Don't worry about it.” Remus whispered back, looking around the room before kissing him softly.

“Okay. Just be careful.”

“I will.”

James ran downstairs, holding his broom. “I'm gonna go practice, before the season starts, you going with me?”

Sirius shook his head. “It's too early. I don't trust myself on a broom right now.”

James shrugged and walked out the portrait hole. Peter came downstairs a few minutes later, the girls following him. Sirius stepped on his cigarette and grabbed another one.

“I thought they were bad for you.” Remus laughed, elbowing his side.

“They are. I'm okay with dying though.” Sirius leaned against the wall, lighting the cigarette with the tip of his wand.

“You cant die, who else would fuck a werewolf?” He whispered loudly. Sirius kicked him.

“There are people around dipshit, you can't say shit like that.” He said through his teeth.

“Calm your tits, it's only Peter.” Sirius kicked him again.

“Oh.” He paused. “Shit.”

Sirius got up and walked towards the portrait hole. “And to answer your question, a lot of people, you're hot.”

He walked into the great hall and sat next to James, who was sitting at the gryffindor table, clearly disappointed.

“Thought you were going to practice?” Sirius said, taking a bite of toast.

“Ravenclaws team was out there, they kicked me off.” James pushed around the food on his plate with his fork.

Sirius smiled, checking over his shoulder to see if the others had followed him.

“Hey James?”

“Yeah?”

“You're not mad at me right?” Sirius looked down at the plate of food in front of him, he's barely eaten since he's gotten back to school, but he felt like he couldn't eat anything, like he'd throw up anything he ate.

“No? Sirius, why would I be mad? I'm worried about you. I know you're always a little off when term starts, but this year seems so much worse, I just want to know that you're okay.” James replied, putting a hand on Sirius’ arm.

Sirius nodded. “I'm fine. It was just mother being mother. If anything im more fucked up by trying to figure out what the fuck feelings are.” He smiled as Peter and Remus sat down at the table.

“Padfoot, you gonna eat that?” Peter asked, motioning towards the plate in front of him. Sirius shook his head and pushed the plate towards him.

Remus kicked his shin, probably harder than he meant to. “Peter give the plate back.” He said sharply, not looking away from Sirius.

“What?”

“Give Sirius the fucking plate back.” Remus got louder, grabbing the plate, putting it back in front of Sirius. Remus’s eyes looked meaner than he’d seen in a long time.

“Moony, it's fine. I'm not hungry, he can have it.” Sirius said softly, trying to calm him down.

“I haven't seen you eat anything since James brought us dinner when we were both shitfaced before the party. I dont know if you ate anything else that night, but i know damn well you didnt eat yesterday, and i dont need you fucking dying.” His voice cracked, and accent grew stronger.

“Liar. I ate something yesterday. And you were definitely around. Unless it was someone else in our dorm.” Sirius smiled.

“I need a smoke.” Remus mumbled, grabbing a piece of toast as he stood up, cracking his neck again.

“Remus, you just smoked an entire pack, it's only seven forty five in the morning.” Peter grabbed Remus’ arm.

“Your point? I need a smoke, I'm gonna go smoke.”

“You don't have time. Lessons are at 8 eight, we have double potions with the Slytherins, so we have to get to the dungeons in fifteen minutes.” Sirius pushed the plate back towards Peter.

Remus rolled his eyes and sat back down, putting his head in his hands. Sirius reached across the table and played with his hair.

“They made our first class on Tuesday double potions? With the Slytherins? A fucking tuesday? The worst day of the goddamn week and they made it so much worse.” James complained loudly. Pushing his face into his hands.

Remus pulled at the sides of his hair. “James do you know how to shut the fuck up? I have a migrane and your so fucking loud over shit that doesnt fucking matter. Youre gonna end up with top marks in the fucking class anyways. The world doesn't revolve around you all the goddamn time.” He yelled standing up again.

“Lupin what the fuck?” James yelled back, Clearly put off by Remus’s attitude.

“I'm going to class, go find a dick to suck.” He bit out

Sirius got up and followed Remus out of the great hall, having to run a bit to catch up.

“What? Dont wanna stay there with your bitchass best friend?.” Remus whispered.

Sirius shook his head and grabbed Remus’ hand, pulling him into the nearest broom closet.

“Are you okay?” He asked him, holding eye contact and holding his shoulders to steady him.

Remus leaned against the wall and sank down onto the floor. “I'm sorry. I didn't. I didn't mean to blow up like. He just. I. I don't know. I'm sorry.”

“Moony, it's okay. I'm not mad at you. James might be, but he doesn't stay mad for long. I promise. It's okay.” Sirius sat down in front of him, grabbing both of his hands.

Remus shook his head, looking away. Sirius could tell he was trying not to cry, though he couldn't tell if it was because of the pain or the fight. He leaned into the boy in front of him, counting his breaths.

“We’re gonna be late, come on.” Remus whispered, running his hand through Sirius’ hair.

“Okay. if you need anything let me know, i can go ask for a pain potion for you or something if you need it. You just have to tell me, okay?” He said softly, helping him up.

Remus nodded and grabbed his hand again. “I missed you so fucking much.”