Chapter 4; September 2nd, 1974
Sirius woke up the next morning in Remus’ bed, alone. He was laying on a towel, Drying blood crusting on his back
James and Peter were awake, he could hear them moving around from the other side of the curtain.
He stared up at the ceiling, hoping that they would leave soon so he could get up.
“Sirius, get your lazy arse up. We’ve missed breakfast already and James won't let us leave until you get up.” Peter yelled, pulling at the curtains, the curtains that Remus had charmed closed the night before. Sirius waved his wand and took off the silencing charm.
“Just go without me. I have to shower anyway. I'll meet you guys down there.” He mumbled, hoping they wouldn't ask why he was in Remus’ bed. His tone was unmistakably solemn
“You alright? Your voice sounds a little more off than normal, and you're in Lupin's bed.” James pointed out.
“I’m fine. Just go before Peter’s stomach eats itself.” Sirius laughed, sitting up, listening to their steps as they left the room.
He got up cautiously walking to the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror. His back was still bleeding a lot. He turned on the shower and sat on the floor as the water heated up.
He submerged himself in near boiling water, flinching at the way the cuts burned, nearly unbearably so. All he could do was just sit there.. Where was Remus? Thoughts continued running through his head until the water went cold. A rustling from behind the doors signified his roommate was just beyond the bathroom door.
He walked out of the bathroom and made eye contact with Remus, who was digging through his trunk, like he lost something important.
“What’re you looking for?” Sirius asked, walking over to him.
“Nothing. Don't worry about it. James and Peter are in the common room, trying to find a way to get firewhiskey for the party later.” Remus responded, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his trunk and walking over to the window. His tone was snappy, as if he was trying to avoid the conversation all together.
“I wanna stay here with you.” Sirius mumbled, walking over to him
“Why? James and Peter told me to send you downstairs. I'm going back in a bit, I just needed a smoke break.” he was mad, Sirius could hear it in his voice. Remus never never acted like this. Remus lit the cigarette and looked away.
“Why'd you leave?” Sirius said shyly, sitting down next to him. “This morning. When I woke up. You weren't there.” He knew he sounded pathetic. He knew Remus would think he was stupid. The tension in the room was palpable.
The room smelled like cigarette smoke. James would be pissed.
“Didnt think youd care. Im just someone for you to fuck when James calls you out.” Remus barked out. His voice was harsh and rasp. His eyes were angry, it scared Sirius. Remus’s shaky hands pulled a new cigarette to his mouth, stomping on the last. “Incendio” he whispered, lighting the tip.
“Wait what?” Sirius looked at Remus with confusion, what the hell did he mean? Where was this coming from?
“You walked in here last night and told me to fuck you because James said you were acting weird. I thought maybe i was more than a pity fuck Sirius.” He lit another fag and leaned back against the wall behind him. He sounded hurt and offended as if Sirius had committed serious atrocities.
“Moony you are more than a pity fuck. I'm sorry. Im- im not thinking straight right now i didn't mean to make you feel like shit. I really like you Remus. Youre so much more than a pity fuck. I promise.” Sirius’s voice cracked when he spoke, he was practically on his knees begging Remus to not be mad, he knew he was repeating the same thing over and over again but he wasn't thinking.
Remus could’ve been on his seventh cigarette by now, but Sirius wouldn’t have known. All he could do was sit like a pathetic house elf waiting for his master's approval.
“Moony please.” He whimpered, like a kicked dog. “Please” he repeated, eyes watering.
“Fuck off Sirius. You act like an apology is gonna fucking fix this.” Remus yelled, pushing Sirius away. Sirius knows Remus can be rash, but it never gets easier
“At least stop smoking? James will get mad when he comes back.” Sirius bargained, while reaching his hands for the half empty pack that was wedged between Remus’s thigh and the mattress.
“Dont fucking touch me.” Remus growled and grabbed back the pack from Sirius. “Just leave. Leave me the fuck alone. I don't wanna deal with your lying ass more than I have to.” He sounded like he was on the verge of tears. He acted like he was the one being yelled at by the man they love.
“Remus please. I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry.” Sirius pleaded standing to be eye level with Remus’s tall frame.
“Fuck off Sirius.” he said snapped coldly, lighting another fag with the end of his wand.
“Fine! F-fuck you too” he fired back patheticly, trying to hurt Remus but just failing. He walked out of the door, holding back tears.
Sirius knew he didn't mean it. He didn't mean it right? Remus wasn't mad at him. He couldn't be mad at him. He didn't do anything wrong. Did he? He knew overthinking wasn't gonna make anything better, but there wasn't a way to stop it now.
He sat down next to James, hurting himself more with his own thoughts.
“You alright?” James asked him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Sirius shook his head.
“Firewhiskey.” He said, not knowing if he meant to say it out loud or not. “Where is it? Lupin said you got some.” He kept looking straight, knowing that eye contact would make him feel worse.
“On the table. Sirius what's going on?” James said loud enough for everyone in the common room to hear.
“Nothing.” He mumbled, grabbing a bottle and sitting back down.
He only knew of one way to stop overthinking. Not thinking at all, and the only way he could do that was with alcohol. He knew it wasnt great, a 14 year old, downing a bottle of firewhiskey at two in the afternoon on a sunday, but it was either that or prepare himself for this party while thinking about the boy who just told him to fuck off. The boy he was in love with.
He'd rather be shitfaced.
He got through almost half the bottle before James grabbed it out of his hands.
“Sirius, stop. What are you doing.”
“Nothing.” He hiccuped. “I was thirsty.” He grabbed the bottle back from James, looking over at Peter.
“Chess?” Sirius asked, setting up the board.
Sirius knew Peter would win. Peters never lost a game of chess, but it got James off his ass. That's all Sirius really cared about right now. Getting James off his arse and Remus out of his head.
Remus came downstairs a little while later, eyes puffy and smelling like cigarette smoke.
“Hiya remus!” Lily yelled from the chair. He waved lightly, sitting on the floor next to James, grabbing the bottle of firewhiskey that Sirius had just put down.
“Fuck, were you smoking?” James asked him. Sniffing in his direction, nose scrunching. He began inching closer to Sirius to get away from the smell.
“You won't escape it. It's so strong it's everywhere now. Don’t uhh- don't go upstairs.” Sirius slurred, not looking up from the board.
“It's 2 in the afternoon. Are you seriously drunk?” Remus judged asked, putting on an act in front of their friends.
“Yeah. and how many packs did you just smoke?” Sirius shot back, making eye contact with him for the first time since before the fight. His eyes were red and his face was puffy. Had he been crying?
“Three and a half.” He mumbled, putting the empty bottle down on the table.