His scars ached and he wanted to scream. But of course, he knew that it wouldn't still the pain, and so he didn't scream.
He sat in silence, trying his hardest to pay attention to the meeting- rather important details about the upcoming plans for the members of the Order of the Phoenix were being discussed. When the others nodded, he nodded, not knowing what he was agreeing to. When they shuddered, he did too, and when they all made moves to get up, he was the first to be out of his seat.
Grimmauld Place did not have a garden or a balcony, but Remus' room had a large window. He hadn't even noticed that he had climbed up the steps and stepped into his room until he smelt his own familiar scent.
He pulled a large and worn-in cardigan out of his closet, needing something big and warm to give him comfort. In the pockets of his dark jeans, he found his pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
He opened the window, letting the cool summer air flow into his room. Cigarettes didn't help the pain, he knew that, but they gave him a much-needed distraction.
As he lit his cigarette his eyes found the waxing moon high up in the sky. He hated the white disc, and he hated himself for dispising something others found so beautiful. Only a few more nights and he would transform again. A shiver ran up his spine.
After all these years he still wasn't used to it. He still couldn't bear the fact that he became a monster. No, that he was a monster. That he really and truly was a monster, that there was nothing separating him from the beast he became, that he was a... a werewolf.
He took another drag and exhaled the smoke from his lungs.
There was a knock on his door and without waiting for him to answer, someone stepped into his room. He didn't turn around to look who it was.
He smelt her before he saw her. She was next to him now. The girl- he didn't even know her name- that had joined the order just recently.
"Mind if I smoke with you?" She had pulled out a pack of cigarettes out of her bag and held it up. She had a nice face, with a sweet smile, and even though he felt the urge to send her away, he felt his head shake. She grinned in response. She had followed his suit, leaning out of the window and perching her head on her hands.
"you've got a lighter?" She laughed lightly and her cheeks were flushed a light pink. Like she was nervous? She knew he was a werewolf of course. It was perfectly normal for her to feel nervous in his presence, he reminded himself
He quickly grabbed his lighter and handed it to her. Their hands grazed lightly.
Before he could think of something to say, she started talking.
"It's so crazy to be here- with all of you. And to get all of these orders and this huge load of information. I feel like I'm going to need a couple of days of rest just to process it all."
She took a drag and he wondered how old she was. Far too young to be fighting in a war. Far too young to be smoking with an old man like him.
"Every time I'm here I feel like it's all not real. Like we're playing pretend, y'know?"
She rolled her feet a bit. Another whiff of her scent hit the air. 'So sweet' he thought but stopped himself immediately.
"I'm [name] by the way. I never introduced myself to you. I know you're Remus Lupin, I've read a lot about you, well not only you-"
She blushed again, and a strand of her hair fell into her face. The pale moonlight made her skin look like it was glowing.
"I've read about you and your friends. Especially James Potter and Sirius Black. And his brother too. Oh and Peter Pettigrew too. 'Spent hours just going through the Hogwarts records. Every write-up, all the Quidditch Matches, and every other mention I could find of you guys."
She leaned father out of the window and took her eyes from his face.
He noticed her almost perfect side profile. Just a little bump on her nose was noticeable. Somehow it made her even more perfect. For some reason, he felt like he had never seen a face as beautiful as hers.
Why was she talking to him? Why had she read about him and his friends?
Before he could ask she flicked away the cigarette bud and gave him another very sweet, shy smile.
"Well anyway. I'm going home. Just wanted to say "hi", I'll leave you alone now."
She walked away from the window and left his room just as quickly and silently as she had entered it.
When she was gone he noticed that with her scent gone from his nose, his scars started to ache again.
And only then did he realize that while she'd been present, he had finally started to relax. That while she had been speaking, he had, for the first time tonight, forgotten about his scars. Forgotten that he was a werewolf. Forgotten that he hated the moon.
xxxxx
When Remus woke the next morning the ache had dulled slightly, and his mood improved accordingly.
He changed from his pajamas into washed-out jeans and a shirt and trotted down the stairs to get some coffee. He spotted Sirius already brewing some. He was muttering insults at his house-elf and did not notice Remus entering. Kreacher was sending dark looks at Sirius. He was used to the hostile atmosphere that lingered in all of Grimmauld Place but to him, even this was better than living on his own. Having Sirius again, spending time with him, it all was an improvement to the life he had lived before.
He didn't want to remember those dark years. The years in which he had thought he had lost every friend he had had on the planet. When he felt so alone he almost-
"Oh Remus", Sirius interrupted his stream of thoughts, "didn't notice you were up. Want some coffee?" He held up the now full coffee pot. Remus nodded thankfully and let Sirius fill his cup.
"You feeling better? I noticed you didn't look so good yesterday." Sirius pulled out a chair from the table and sat down opposite of Remus. Before Remus answered he took a big gulp of the hot dark brown liquid.
"It's alright. It's nothing I haven't experienced before." He smiled a small self-depricating smile, unwilling to meet Siruis' eyes. He wasn't used to the kindness anymore. He hated it when people felt sorry for him. He hated seeing the pity in their eyes.
Before Sirius could say something else, Remus asked the question that had been burning on his mind since the previous night.
"The girl, [name], who exactly is she? What's her purpose in the order?" He hadn't been able to stop thinking about her since yesterday.
Sirius stood up and refilled his cup. "I don't know much about her myself. She's been in contact with Dumbledore and Snape for a while as far as I know."
He smiled a wicked smile: "She's cute right? Very pretty. But, not interested, I've already tried."
Or course he had tried to make a move on her. Remus couldn't fault him. She was indeed very pretty, and after all, Sirius had been locked up for 12 years.
"As far as I know she works for the ministry. Somewhere in the archives. I don't really know why we need her, but Dumbledore seems to think she's very useful."
Ministry Archives? How curious. What kind of purpose would someone working in the archives serve their mission? What kind of help could she be in defeating Voldemort? He couldn't think of a reason.
"Why do you ask?"
Not wanting Sirius to think to much into his sudden interest in the girl, he shrugged lightly.
"Never noticed her before. She seems a little young to be of any help."
"Yeah, that's what I thought too."
They sat in silence, each of them finishing their coffee.
What Sirius was thinking of, Remus did not know. His mind however was occupied by the girl. Something about her intrigued him. And it wasn't purely her position in the order. It was also, even though he didn't like to admit it to himself, her pretty face, and the way she had looked at him
xxxxx
Remus sat silently in a corner of a dark pub. His eyes moved around the room trying to take in every little detail. He felt very out of place but tried not to let it show. A woman approached him with a drunken smile on her face.
"Can I buy you a drink?" She asked and her words dragged. He could smell the alcohol on her breath and the arousal between her legs. Sometimes he hated his sensitive nose.
Unsure what to answer he took another look around the pub. The person he was looking for had not yet shown up.
"Or are you waiting for someone?" She was still smiling at him, standing in front of him in her very short dress.
"No, not waiting. Yes, I'd like that." He gave the woman a smile. The pub door opened again, making the little bell ring. He watched as another pair of women walked through and found a table.
It was late already, he had come to terms with the fact that the man he was looking for would not be here tonight. Tomorrow he would try again.
He took another look at the woman who was waiting for him to follow her. The dress hugged her figure nicely.
He got up from his seat and followed her with a smile. His mission wasn't a success, but maybe there was another thing to be gained from this evening.