Chapter 5
June 19, 1996 – Contd.
Sirius was sitting at the kitchen table, holding a small teacup in one hand, with the other hand resting against his leg. He looked uncomfortable as he lounged in the wooden chair. His hair was shoulder-length, just as Liv remembered it when he was a teen. Its color and style had not changed much, but its shine was gone. The medium-length strands now hung disheveled around him, much like his current state. He wore a wrinkled, button-down shirt with a velvet vest—his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Various tattoos wrapped around his forearms. He looked troubled as if some invisible weight rested on his shoulders. It was not unusual for him to look sorrowful, as she often caught him with the same vacant stare when he was alone at Potter Manor. He was quick to slide into a well-practiced smile, but she knew that was all it was. She wondered what had made him so weary over the past twenty years.
Remus cleared his throat and led her toward the long kitchen table at the center of the room. Sirius must have been deep in thought as he did not look up at their entry.
The kitchen was familiar to how she remembered it, albeit in a distressing state. A fine layer of grime covered the stove and shelves, emitting a musty smell that filled the air. The once vibrant tiles now looked dull; their colors faded with time. Removing the dirt would definitely take more than Kreacher and a few cleaning charms.
“Pads,” Remus spoke gently as he stood next to where his friend sat, placing a hand on his shoulder. There was a tenderness there that did not go unnoticed by her.
Sirius’ back went straight. He immediately stood from the chair, the wooden legs scraping against stone, and looked up at Remus.
Remus nodded once in her direction, encouraging him to turn around, and moved to the side.
Sirius’ gaze immediately landed on her.
“Siri.” His name was barely a whisper on her lips as she blinked back unshed tears. He was older, with thin lines that were etched into his aristocratic features. More tattoos peeked from behind his collar. His grey eyes were hazy, and she swore there was a look of utter devastation that briefly flashed in his eyes. He blinked several times before running a hand through his wavy hair. “Siri... I—”
His eyes cleared at the sound of her voice, and before she realized it, he had moved to where she stood, wrapping her lean frame in a hug. Hesitating for only a moment, her arms encircled him and squeezed back. His body shook as he held her tight to him. She was not sure how long they stood there, but eventually, he pulled back, his hands resting on her shoulders.
“Hi, Livvie.” At hearing Sirius' nickname for her, the cracks in her Occlumency walls spread further. She inhaled through her nose and squeezed her eyes shut. She could not meet his regretful gaze. “Fuck... I’m so, so sorry, Liv.”
Her head shook furiously. She did not want to hear apologies. It would only make her fall apart.
Remus stood behind Sirius, a concerned expression clouding his scarred face. “Pads, let’s sit down, okay?” He motioned to the kitchen table for the three of them to sit. “I’ll reheat the tea.”
Remus moved to the large, black stove where the tea kettle sat as she and Sirius made their way to the wooden table. Sirius pulled out her chair, and she slowly lowered herself into it. She reached for her bracelet and stared down at the grey wood of the table.
Silence filled the kitchen with the occasional noise of the kettle heating up and the clanging of teacups in the background breaking through it. She glanced at Sirius’ seat across the table and saw him desperately watching her. The intensity of his stare made her shift in the hard wooden chair. It was as if he was afraid to blink—like she might disappear in front of him a second time.
Questions about his health, whereabouts, and what had happened over the years filled her mind, but she could not bring herself to ask them. It was like they were stuck in the back of her throat. She swallowed and realized she had not had anything to drink since before Dumbledore’s visit. Tea would be nice.
The silence grew between them, and eventually, it became too much.
“Where’s Regulus?” Sirius looked wounded by her question. “Is—is he alright?” Whatever was in his expression made her hesitate to continue. Remus had a similar reaction earlier. Thinking about both of their reactions set her heart racing.
Remus finally levitated the tea service and a light-blue tin of biscuits to where they sat around the table.
“Liv, how do you take your tea?” he asked as he took his seat to the left of Sirius.
“She takes it with a healthy splash of milk.” She looked at Sirius, surprised he knew how she doctored her tea. He shrugged. “At least that’s how I remember it when I lived with you at Mum and Dad’s.”
Mum and Dad. She and James had always been formal with their parents, but those formalities disappeared as soon as Sirius entered their lives. She never got used to calling her parents Mum and Dad, but she liked that her brother and Sirius did.
A teacup with Earl Grey and a splash of milk was placed in front of her. “Thanks, Remus.”
Sirius reached his hand out and silently mouthed something. A bottle of firewhisky immediately flew into his waiting hand. He placed it on the table and slid the amber-looking whisky towards her. “You may need this.”
Liv reached for the firewhisky, but Remus quickly intercepted it and snatched it from her grasp. “She’s not old enough to drink, Padfoot.”
A huff left her lips. “You obviously are forgetting about all the parties the Marauders threw, which certainly overflowed with firewhisky and other types of alcohol.”
“Sure,” Remus acknowledged, “but I am now a responsible adult.”
Her eyebrows raised, and she sent him a dubious look. “Uhuh.”
Sirius smirked but only offered her another shrug when she lifted her head and scrunched her nose at Remus’ reply.
Remus undid the cork and dropped a splash of whisky into his cup before passing it to Sirius, who vanished his tea entirely and filled it to the brim with the amber liquid.
She took a sip of her tea and looked expectantly at both of her brother’s friends. Anxiety was written all over their expressions.
Sirius coughed, clearing his throat, and sat up a little straighter. “Alright, I’m sure you have thousands of questions. Maybe it would be best to explain things that have happened since your disappearance.”
Remus nodded in agreement. “It will help to establish a background for you.”
“Okay, that works for me.” She took another sip of the Earl Grey before they began.
“When you disappeared that night, into thin air—” Sirius audibly gulped before continuing, “I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do. One moment, you were glowing in front of me, and then the next, you were gone in a burst of light. Pretty sure I stared at the space you had been in for 15 minutes. Thankfully, Moony is a light sleeper. He heard my shouts for you and rushed over to help.” He looked at her meaningfully. “Remember all the sand and gems that covered your body and the duvet? They were gone. I had no proof that you had even been in my bed.” He raked his hands down his face and sighed. “I tore apart my entire bed, looking for the device you used.”
“Time Disc,” she whispered.
“What?”
“It was a Time Disc. Something I found in Father’s study.”
“Right, okay, the Time Disc. Anyway, my antics woke up your brother and Wormtail—” there was disgust in his voice at the mention of Peter, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it “—and I explained everything, frantic really, but they convinced me that you knew what you were doing and would show up in the morning.”
He paused and took a deep breath before continuing.
“The next morning, as we exited the common room to head to the Great Hall, we found Regulus and Sni-Snape waiting outside the portrait hole for us. They were worried, especially Reggie—asking if I had seen you the previous night. They admitted to the prank and explained that you were trying to send James and me home by way of a portkey and that you were supposed to return to the Slytherin common room immediately afterward, but you never returned. My heart sank immediately after they explained the prank. I knew something had gone horribly wrong.”
“There was a search for you,” Remus said after sipping his whisky-laced tea. Sirius looked down at the table and played with the rim of his cup. “James was beside himself with worry. We all were.” He stretched his long legs under the table and shifted in his seat. “Everyone immediately went to Dumbledore’s office, not bothering to wait and go through the proper channels. We told him about the prank, and he seemed oddly intrigued; he tried hiding his curiosity, which I found odd. He tried placating your brother, Regulus, and Sirius, saying that perhaps in your shuffle with Padfoot, the portkey had sent you to Potter Manor instead. We tried floo-calling from his office to Potter Manor—”
“But it was closed because my parents were out of the country,” she interjected.
“Exactly. Dumbledore sent his Patronus instead.”
“But I knew that you had not portkeyed home,” Sirius said, his tone sad. “The light and the glow... if Dumbledore had seen it... if anyone had seen it...” He lifted his cup to his lips and gulped the firewhisky down.
Liv turned her head and rested her chin in her hand.
“Your parents obviously came once they received Dumbledore’s Patronus. The Ministry was brought in, and your disappearance somehow made the Daily Prophet. Search parties were sent all over the country, even to the continent. Eventually, though, the search ended.” There was something calm about Remus’ tone. He had a gift for reading people and explaining things.
“But your parents never gave up hope,” Sirius added. “The family tree tapestry never showed you as deceased. The line from your parents to you and your name continually shimmered and faded in and out.”
“Which makes sense, now, with your re-appearance,” Remus said. “Some sort of magical time stasis must have applied to the tapestry.”
Liv sat for a minute, processing everything they had told her. She took a sip of her lukewarm tea and grimaced. She could really use the firewhisky.
“So, no one received closure from my disappearance?” The men sitting in front of her said nothing. “Twenty years and...” her voice trailed off.
She could not imagine the suffering her family and friends experienced because of her disappearance. To always wonder what happened to your child, sister, friend, or betrothed. If she were in their shoes, moving on would have been impossible. Guilt seeped into her at the carelessness of her decisions. She regretted ever finding the Time Disc.
A persistent question about her parents lingered uncomfortably at the forefront of her mind. It gnawed at her from the moment she woke up in Grimmauld, and hearing about the search for her after her disappearance gave her an inexplicable feeling that something had happened to them. In her heart, she already knew the answer.
“Where are Mum and Dad, Sirius?” She purposefully used Sirius’ names for her parents. Her amber eyes focused on his pools of grey. She wanted him to react, to give her something, to deny what she suspected.
Sirius opened his mouth a few times, but nothing came out. His eyes were rimmed with red, and he shook his head.
Liv closed her eyes and squeezed them tightly. She tried clearing her mind, but it was useless.
“I’m afraid it was Dragon Pox.” The sadness in Remus’ voice was devastating. “Nothing could be done. But they weren't alone, Liv. James, Sirius, and I… we were there through the entire thing.” He touched her shoulder gently and gave it a comforting squeeze.
She chewed on the inside of her cheek, inhaling a breath through her nose that would not escape through her mouth. Breathing seemed impossible. The devastation of her parents' death constricted her lungs. She never got to say goodbye to them—never got to tell them that she loved them one more time. It was as if her world had collapsed around her. A single tear escaped, making its way down her high cheekbone.
She was afraid to ask, but she forced the words out. Her tone was strangled and rough. “And Jamie?”
Sirius reached across the table and held her hand in his. He squeezed it hard and did not let go. He nodded for Remus to continue speaking.
She sat in silent horror as he spoke about the war. Voldemort had done it. He had recruited enough pure-blood families and gathered a large enough following to try and take over Wizarding Britain. She knew about the muggle disappearances from the Daily Prophet. Regulus had told her about the Dark Lord’s visits to Grimmauld Place and how his parents had offered him and Sirius in service to him. She initially had not believed Regulus, but when Sirius arrived unannounced at Potter Manor, fleeing from Walburga’s pressure to join, it was a reality she could no longer disregard. She had worried from then on, that Regulus would be drawn into the Dark Lord’s circle.
They told her about the Order of the Phoenix and the Light, the Death Eaters and the Dark, and the pure-blood fanaticism that swept over the Wizarding World. They explained how Dumbledore had recruited their friends right out of Hogwarts and how her Slytherin friends were most likely recruited for the Dark. They spoke about the lines drawn in the sand, the missions they had been sent out on, the bravery of her brother and their friends, and the countless lives lost.
But they also talked about the joyous moments in between all the darkness. They beamed about Lily Evans finally falling for James and how they eventually married after graduation. They reminisced about the Marauders' shared family Sunday dinners and holidays between their missions and daily jobs. They also told her that her brother and sister-in-law had a baby boy born at the end of July 1980. His name was Harry, and he looked just like James with his mother’s eyes. She had a nephew.
However, she knew that the good moments would not outweigh the bad. Eventually, they spoke about a prophecy that forced James and Lily into hiding. They discussed how Voldemort fixated on her brother’s family until the end, how one of their closest friends betrayed them to him, and how they lost their lives protecting their son.
Liv had not let go of Sirius’ hand the entire time. Her fingers ached from their grip around his hand, but she could not remove them from his grasp. She felt that if she did, the entire room would disappear around her, and she would be swept into the darkness again.
In the span of twenty years, her parents, brother, and sister-in-law had all passed away. She could barely process any of it. She wanted to sob or cry or scream into oblivion, but nothing came out. What was wrong with her? Her body must be in shock. She swallowed down the ache of their loss and placed them behind her walls.
The room was eerily quiet after their conversation. Sirius and Remus watched her, waiting for her to react, but she could not. Not yet.
“You mentioned that many of my Housemates joined You-Know-Who. Did—did Regulus and Severus become Death Eaters?” The words tasted sour in her mouth. “What happened to Regulus?” Her heart pounded in her ears.
Sirius furrowed his brows, and a look of utter disappointment and devastation spread over his face. With his free hand, he poured himself more firewhisky.
She shook her head and dropped Sirius’ hand from hers. “I-I don’t accept it.” She placed both palms on the table and pressed into the wood as hard as possible, fingernails digging into the grain. “They weren’t pure-blood elitists. Severus was a half-blood, for Salazar’s sake! They were good people. My best friends. They would never betray me or my family or friends like that.”
The sorrow in Sirius’ expression cut something deep inside of her. “You disappeared, Liv, and without you... I don’t know what happened in that Slytherin common room. But I do know Walburga would have pushed Reggie to join. She pushed me, remember? I had an escape—Regulus did not.”
“That’s because I was his escape. Me... and I fucking left him, Siri. And he what, died in service to a psychotic Dark Lord?” Sirius said nothing in reply. “If I hadn’t disappeared, if I hadn’t been so stubborn, he would be sitting here! Tell me that that’s not true!”
Upon realizing the truth, an unbearable pain spread throughout her chest; it felt as if her soul split in two. The devastation she felt was utterly crippling. She had lost the most important person in her life—her other half—not to time, but to death. She cradled her head in her hands, shallow breaths leaving her body. Everything around her began closing in.
Her words came out broken through clenched teeth as her right hand came down to her chest and scraped at the old T-shirt fabric. "I c-can't breathe. It hurts s-so bad. I lo-loved him—so in love—and h-he died not knowing. He died not—not knowing I was i-in love with him… He-he was my other half... Salazar, it hu-hurts... can’t br-breathe.”
Sirius was immediately at her side, knocking over his chair in the movement. “Hey, hey, hey.” He rubbed soothing circles on her back. “Reggie knew that Liv, he knew you loved him. And I know for certain he loved you, too. You were both young, but sometimes you just know.” He inhaled deeply and let out a slow breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for my words to make you think that what happened to Reggie was your fault. Nothing is your fault, love. Look at me... If I had been more aware of Reggie and what he had been going through or had been a better brother, who knows? But the thing is, we don’t know. We may never know. There is an infinite number of fucking what-ifs. But going down that road… pondering them for too long will only drive you spare. Trust me, please.”
They sat like that for a few minutes until her breathing finally steadied, and the room felt less suffocating. She wiped her face with the back of her hand and realized tears had finally fallen.
“Padfoot is right, Liv. "It's dangerous to dwell on all the uncertainties. Trust us, we have plenty of what-ifs in our lives to make us go crazy. Fixating on them will only make the world we currently live in more challenging to bear.”
Liv summoned the last of her energy to stand from her chair. The news she had just received was incredibly overwhelming. Her heart was shattered, and her body felt overly sensitive. She needed some space to process her emotions.
“I think I need to lay down.” Her voice was scratchy and barely above a whisper. “I-I’m sorry you had to re-live everything that happened.”
“Please, no apologies are necessary, Liv. You deserved to hear what happened from Sirius and me. And yes, you need rest.” Remus pulled a clear vial from his cardigan’s pocket and handed it to her. Her eyes squinted at the light-blue liquid. “A nourishment potion. You barely drank your tea and haven’t eaten anything in almost 48 hours. I’m surprised you're still standing.”
“Adrenaline, I suspect.” She uncorked the vial and threw back the potion. Her face set into a grimace at the taste.
“Do you need direction or assistance getting back to your room?” Sirius stood up, worried.
She shook her head. “No, I know my way. Thanks, though.”
Sirius leaned towards her, like he wanted to help, but caught himself. Remus’ hand rested on his friend’s shoulder.
“I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Night.”
“Night, Livvie.”
“Goodnight, Liv.”
Liv's feet carried her exhausted body up the steps until she stood outside Regulus' room on the fourth floor. She had not meant to go to his room, but it was as if her body had a mind of its own. She placed her palms on the door and rested her forehead against the wood. She felt a surge of magic as she touched it. To her amazement, the door clicked open, and she stepped through.
The room was in perfect stasis. It was a shock to her system. She stood stunned, eyes wide. It was almost cruel that his room was untouched. Like all the other rooms in that gods-forsaken house, she wanted it to be dusty and disintegrating. Instead, it had been enshrined as a permanent memory to a young man who died too soon, no doubt Walburga’s doing. Her eyes stung as she fought back the tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks again.
She wandered to the bed, which was still made, letting her fingers graze against the dark green duvet. She turned and moved to his desk. There was some parchment and a quill strewn on the desktop. The desk chair was angled out as if he had just stood up and forgotten to push it in. His Slytherin banner hung above the small row of books on his desk—she recognized her favorite muggle novel, Villette, which she had given him as a present earlier that year. An oversized grey jumper, haphazardly folded, sat on top of the chest of drawers, and on the chest’s mirror, photos of their friends were magically taped along the edge.
She walked to the chest and picked up the jumper. Somehow, it was still warm, its thick wool scratching against her arms. She lifted it to her face and inhaled—gourmands, broom polish, Earl Grey, and mint. It still smelled like him. She choked on a sob that had escaped her chest. She held onto the jumper as her gaze flitted over the pictures. She immediately found one of her and Regulus sitting under their favorite tree at Black Lake—he had his arm around her waist while his profile stared at her. She was laughing at something off-camera. The adoration in his eyes... it was too much.
She tore the photo off the mirror, clasping it tightly between her fingers, and moved to the bed. Her body collapsed onto the mattress as she curled up on her side. All the emotions she had suppressed finally tore down her carefully built walls. The pain engulfed her. Losing everything and everyone she had ever loved—she would not survive it. Gut-wrenching sobs racked her body as she clung to his sweater and the photo. She cried for her family, for the loss of Regulus, for her friends, for Sirius and Remus, who survived it all, and for her nephew, who never knew his parents. She stared at the photo in her hand, the only focal point keeping her from losing her mind completely.
She was not sure how long she had stayed in that position on the bed, but at some point, in the early morning hours, the door to Regulus’ room opened, and a large, black dog hopped onto the bed and curled next to her. She wrapped her arms around its neck and buried her face in its fur, letting her tears wet its fluff. Eventually, the calming presence of the dog helped her regulate her breathing, and drifted into a fitful sleep.