the black dog

Present – 30th May 1983
James’ POV

James busied himself behind the bar after he left Regulus in the backroom. He and Rosa worked in tandem making drinks and serving demanding customers. He was thankful for the busyness of the bar at this moment, for taking his mind away from the painful and eye-opening conversation he had just endured with Regulus. He was caught between the desire to smash something in anger or curl up in a ball and cry. How could Regulus have thought that James would be so cruel towards him all those years ago? How did Regulus have so much doubt about the relationship that they had? Why didn’t he talk to him?

James had spent all these years recalling every moment between the two of them, trying to figure out where they went wrong. Trying to figure out what he did that was so horrible that Regulus pushed him away. He realised now that he didn’t do anything wrong. Even though he still felt like he did—he didn’t. It was a misunderstanding. One that could have been easily fixed with a conversation, but a misunderstanding nonetheless.

Now his feelings towards Regulus felt conflicted. The love he still felt for the man remained even all these years later, even after the conversation he just had. But mixed in with all of that—intertwined and woven in—was anger. There was hurt. There was disappointment. There was grief. It was a ball of emotions welled up in his chest that wanted to come out and express themselves. But he pushed it down and focused on the work at the bar.

It was partly because he was scared. Scared that these feelings would further complicate the situation. It was part of the reason why James had left Regulus in the backroom and asked him for time to think. He needed to calm himself down and pick apart these emotions carefully instead of letting them out.

He didn’t know where Sirius had ended up, it had been well over an hour since he had seen his best friend. But he knew that if Regulus was here then Remus was likely lurking somewhere nearby. Those two seemed attached at the hip. Quite literally, if you counted the little show those two had put on a few weeks ago in The Black Dog.

James had every intention of finding Sirius as soon as the wave of customers at the bar had slowed down. He could sense that his friend needed him. And he needed Sirius too.

So he served drinks with a forced smile, pouring liquor into glasses and acting like everything was fine. Because as soon as he admitted he wasn’t in fact fine, he would fall headfirst into those emotions and they would start unravelling.

He felt it the moment that Regulus left the bar. And sure enough, a quick glance towards the door affirmed the pit in his stomach. The familiar black hair ducked through the doorway and James realised a breath that may have been relief or dismay. All that he was certain of was that it was shaky and uneven.

“Sorry, Rosa,” he told the bartender, “I’m just gonna head out the back for a breather. Are you alright on your own?”

She looked at him in complete understanding, nodding her head. “You go,” she nodded her head toward the door. “I’ve got it covered out here.”

“Thank you,” James replied and gave her what he hoped looked like a warm smile.

He couldn’t remember his journey between the bar and the backroom door. He couldn’t remember whether he had to weave his way through crowds of people or if he had to politely brush off the hands of women who clutched at his arms. He honestly couldn’t remember it because as soon as he was at the back of the bar—in the staff area—every moment between the bar and then had erased itself fully. At that moment he pushed his own feelings aside seeing the distant look on Sirius’ face.

Because Sirius came above him. Always.

James would do anything just to make sure his best friend was happy. And seeing Sirius return to this state was something he never wanted to see again.

Sirius was lying with his back on the couch and a look on his face that James had only seen twice before. The first time was the night that he arrived at his parent’s house after leaving the Black Manor indefinitely. The second time lasted longer. The days after Remus left Hogwarts Sirius was a robot. The bubbliness was sucked out of him and replaced with a void of the parts that made Sirius who he was. And fuck, it scared James to death to see him like this again. To see his friend lying on the couch and staring blankly at the ceiling with a vacant expression.

“Sirius?” James asked, stopping behind the couch where he was in view of his best friend. “Are you okay?”

No response.

Sirius’ eyes did not shift away from the ceiling. It was like Sirius was trapped in his own mind and couldn’t hear James calling for him.

“Sirius?” He tried again.

James breathed a sigh of relief as Sirius’ gaze slowly dropped from the ceiling to James, a brief flash of pain in his face before he schooled his features to a perfect empty slate. It was good that Sirius could still let emotions show on his face—even if it was momentary. What terrified James was the emptiness which he could not recognise as his best friend.

Sirius’ voice was a whisper as he responded. “It’s done.” The words were final, James could find no hope in his best friend’s voice. He couldn’t find any emotion.

“What’s done?” James started before realisation struck him. Remus. Remus must have been here. “Oh. Oh. Sirius, I'm sorry.”

“I let him go,” Sirius spoke again.

Sirius speaking was good. The last time Sirius barely said any words other than ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘thank you’.

James moved around to the front of the couch and lifted Sirius’ feet up. He manoeuvred himself underneath and sat down on the couch, letting Sirius’ feet fall into his lap.

“Are you okay?” James asked, his gaze focused intently on Sirius’ face.

“I think I’m numb,” Sirius whispered. “Maybe I have no tears left in me.”

“I’ll be here if the tears do come,” James promised. And he will. He always will be.

“Thank you, James,” Sirius said before fixing his eyes back on the ceiling.

“I love you, Pads.”

No response.

Present – 8th June 1983
Lily’s POV

“You all have been moping for over a week,” a familiar voice called out from the doorway as the door clicked shut.

The three of them had stopped bothering to lock the door aside from when they were all sleeping due to the number of visitors that had continued to come and go over the last week. It didn’t seem to make sense for them to continue getting up to answer the door and return to their—as Dorcas liked to call it—moping.

Lily had made the apartment her second home. She had only left it once to go home, pack her essentials and return to the apartment. In the night, a simple charm turned the couch into a full-size bed for her to sleep on. Remus had insisted that she take his bed but she had refused. To make her friend feel better, she had joked that the bed-couch was far more comfier than Remus’ bed.

She had walked into St Mungo’s and upon bursting into tears—the matron had told her to go home and rest and return when she was feeling better. Remus and Regulus had somehow found the time to continue writing for The Daily Prophet from their apartment. It was easier for them. They could owl their pieces of writing to the office for publishing. The chief editor wasn’t happy about the arrangement but there wasn’t much he could do. Getting rid of the Rowen O. Misty would plummet the amount of people reading the paper, and getting rid of Regulus would cause Remus to walk away too (which once again would mean no more Rowen O. Misty). So, upon realising that he would still get articles and stories to publish—even if they seemed to be entirely depressing pieces—the man had let Remus and Regulus work from their apartment.

Their current visitor—Dorcas—was what Lily would like to label a frustrating mother figure without the hugs and words of comfort. Their friend was adamant about trying to liven up their spirits through tough love and forcing them out of the house—something that was yet to be successful. Dorcas claimed it wasn’t healthy that they were all trapped together in their moping. That the three of them spending time together wasn’t going to allow them to ever ‘be happy again’. She was likely right, but it seemed none of them were in any state of going anywhere without the other.

At the moment, Lily was still lying on her makeshift bed-couch with Remus beside her. Regulus was sitting at the table bent over a piece of parchment with a quill in his hand. The cup of tea sat forgotten beside him. Lily had yet to figure out whether Regulus was reading his work or had still yet to find something to write.

“Let us mope in peace,” she grumbled in response to her friend.

“This isn’t healthy,” Dorcas reminded them.

“So you’ve said,” Lily replied blandly, looking over her shoulder to see the fuming figure of her friend.

“I can’t bear to see you all like this anymore. I’m giving you one chance to walk out the door right now. Lily, come for a walk with me. Remus and Regulus, go back to that bar and make things right with those men of yours.”

“Pass,” Regulus grumbled. “He asked for time to think.”

“And you think he hasn’t had enough time already? It’s been a week.”

“After what I did, I’m sure he’s come to the realisation that he doesn’t want to see me ever again.”

“Regulus, I love you but you are an idiot.”

Regulus looked at his friend with a scowl. “I don’t want to see James look at me like that again,” his voice trembled. “I don’t want him to look me in the eye and tell me that he doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

“That’s not your decision to make. That man deserves to have you fight for him. And you owe it to yourself to do that.” Dorcas gave Regulus a look filled with such intensity that even Lily could feel her body react. Fuck. She never wanted to be the target of that. “Regulus,” Dorcas continued. “We have all witnessed the way that man looks at you. James has so much love for you. What happened all those years ago was a case of miscommunication. But you aren’t communicating with him now. You have isolated yourself again.”

Regulus shook his head. “You all didn’t witness the way he looked at me the last time he saw me either.”

Dorcas sighed heavily, throwing her hands up into the air. “Regulus.”

“I need time, Dorcas,” Regulus said. “Please.”

“Remus?” The girl turned towards the man sitting beside Lily.

“Sirius let me go,” Remus said, trying to hide the emotion in his voice. Lily, however, could see right through it. “He wants me to move on,” he said with such raw pain that Lily’s heart ached for him.

“And you are going to let him let you go?” She raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Is that what you truly want?”

“It’s what has to happen,” Remus replied.

“But is that what you want?” Dorcas said, cocking her head at him.

Remus didn’t reply. And Lily knew. Dorcas knew. Regulus knew. Remus wanted Sirius back as much as he wanted chocolate in the days following a full moon. Watching Remus these past few days had Lily certain that Remus didn’t just want him, he needed him. And Sirius was likely in a similar state right now.

“So, what are you going to do about it?” Dorcas told him.

“I don’t know,” Remus said. “I can’t go find him until I have the right words. And that’s if he wants to be found.”

Dorcas nodded, seeming somewhat satisfied with his response. “That’s a better response than Regulus.”

The door flung open behind Dorcas and two figures came tumbling in the doorway. Two new people that hadn’t yet been to visit them.

“I brought these two in hopes they can do something to stop this dreadful moping. Even if it means driving the three of you outside to escape them.”

Lily groaned internally when she saw the objects that were clutched in Barty’s hand.

“I brought Lily some porn books,” Barty declared as he walked over to dump various novels into her lap. “They were the dirtiest ones that the lady could find at the muggle bookstore.”

“She was quite scandalised,” Evan added in amusement.

“I cannot imagine the two of you in a muggle bookstore,” Regulus called out in disbelief.

“Oh, Reggie,” Barty mused. “Some of those muggle books seemed truly interesting. Books about made-up magical creatures? Evan and I had a good old time.”

“Don’t call me that,” Regulus hissed at Barty.

“Oh, right,” Barty gave his friend a shark-like grin. “Only Jamie can call you that.”

“Someone gag him,” Regulus called out.

“That poor lady at the bookstore.” Remus shook his head and Lily agreed. These two were menaces. Dorcas was smart bringing them here, they might just drive the three of them crazy enough to forget about their pain.

“So, Lily.” Barty collapsed on the couch beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Are you going to start reading or do you need me to read to you?”

She rolled her eyes and it took her a few seconds to realise that Barty had taken one of the books from her lap and opened to a random page.

“The man aligned his throbbing cock at the woman’s entrance. ‘Please’, the woman moaned at him…”

“I’m out,” Lily leapt up from the couch away from Barty, who continued reading the passage from the novel. “Dorcas, take me away please.”

Dorcas grinned at her, looping their arms together as they walked towards the door. That sneaky witch had achieved her goal through devious means.

“Oi!” Regulus called out behind them. “Take them with you! Don’t leave us here with them!”

“They’re all yours!” Dorcas replied as she shut the door behind them.

Present – 11th June 1983
James’ POV

James was on edge. Puddlemere United were playing the Ballycastle Bats, one of the most successful teams in the history of the league. If they managed to secure this win today they would almost be guaranteed a place towards the top of the leaderboard. They were yet to lose a match this season and the Bats had only lost their game against the Montrose Magpies, which Puddlemere had yet to play.

It was getting close to two weeks since he had last seen Regulus and he didn’t like it. He wanted the man to at least show his face so could stop feeling like the man had run off. Right now it felt like Regulus had abandoned him and had removed himself from James’ life. He wanted the man to at least try to talk to him.

James was currently inspecting his broom in the area they had been assigned for their warm-up. He ran his hands along the wood, testing for any weak areas where the broom ran the risk of snapping under any pressure. It was something he never really had to consider when he played for Gryffindor at Hogwarts. But now, in the professional league, it was essential. Failing to identify such a fragile point could risk a broken broom. And a broken broom meant falling. Falling meant an injury. An injury meant no more Quidditch for the season. Or if it was bad enough, no more Quidditch ever.

Sirius approached him. Thankfully, over the last week, he had somewhat escaped his state of nothingness. He wasn’t quite back to the man James knew but he was getting close. Part of it was due to Sirius finding James huddled over the notes and letters from Regulus that he kept. His friend had demanded that James tell him about what had gone down that day with Regulus. And so James did.

Sirius had not been happy that James didn’t confide in him immediately but he quickly had gotten over it. The two of them were now leaning on each other—as they always did.

“Do you think Regulus is in the crowd?” Sirius asked, breaking James’ attention from the broom that he had just finished checking over for the fourth time. He could never be too careful.

“What makes you say that?” James frowned.

“He was here last time,” Sirius reminded him. And it was true, he was here last time. But James was certain that was a one-off thing that was mainly due to Marlene and Dorcas’ relationship.

“I don’t think that really matters,” he returned to his broom with a shrug. “I’m certain he was forced into it.”

“But do you think there is a possibility?” His friend asked. “What if he is in the crowd right now?”

“Then I can thank Merlin that there is no kiss cam at this stadium.”

“Ah, what was the man’s name?” Sirius mused. “The one that got to press his lips to Regulus’ face?”

“I really don’t want to think about that right now,” James replied through gritted teeth. He really really didn’t want to think about that right now. It painted images in his head that he didn’t want to become a reality.

“But if he is there?” Sirius continued and James realised that his friend had not given up on James and Regulus’ relationship. “Would you talk to him?”

“Would you talk to Remus?” James rebutted.

“That’s different,” Sirius said as pain flashed across his face.

James winced. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m now thinking of the possibility of Regulus and another person and I’m on edge now.”

Sirius didn’t reply and James guiltily returned to his broomstick. He could feel Sirius’ eyes on the side of his head, drilling in as if he could see into James’ brain.

Eventually, Sirius broke the silence. “I still can’t understand how I couldn’t see it.” James caught the smile in Sirius’ voice even if he was still focused on checking his broom. Again.

“See what?” He replied innocently.

“You and Reg,” his friend replied. “Just look at you.”

James sighed, feigning ignorance. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Sirius scoffed. “You know damn well what I mean. Just mentioning his name makes you all growly.”

Something in Sirius’ voice just caused James to snap. Perhaps it was the emotions inside him forcing their way out. Perhaps it was the pressure on him for the Quidditch game. Whatever the cause, the words fell out of his mouth in a mix of anger. “He’s just so frustrating. He’s lovely, yes, but frustrating. But he wasted all these years.”

“So, don’t waste anymore,” Sirius shrugged. “When he comes running to you and truly proves that he loves you, do everything you can to keep him.”

“Merlin, it feels so stupid,” James sighed. “Imagine where I could be now if Regulus had just talked to me.”

“Hm,” Sirius hummed. “Do I really want to?”

“Just think about it. If he never ended things I could be married right now. We’d be brothers.”

Sirius scoffed. “That seems overly ambitious.”

“Perhaps,” James replied with a shrug. “But I guess we’ll never know.”

“There isn’t any harm in wondering,” Sirius told him. “It hurts, yes. But isn’t it nice to know you love someone so much that you could have imagined marrying them and spending the rest of your life with them?”

James didn’t reply, letting Sirius’ words sink in. He hadn’t really thought about it like that. Wasn’t it normal to picture yourself marrying the person you’re with? He had girlfriends before Regulus but he never pictured himself in a future with them. Not the same way, at least. But he didn’t know what to do now. And so that was what he told Sirius.

“And now I’m lost. I don’t want to be the man that goes running back,” he told his friend. “But I don’t want to let him slip through my fingers again.”

Sirius nodded in understanding. “Reg is sensitive. I will never admit I said that if you tell him,” Sirius pointed at James in warning. “But you shouldn’t cave, I agree. However, the second that he makes himself believe that you have no interest in him he will run.”

James gave Sirius a sad smile. “Well, it’s what he does best.”

Regulus’ POV

“Are you going to go down to the pitch?” Dorcas asked him from where the two of them were seated in the stands. His friend was wearing her jersey that had ‘McKinnon’ written across her back while Regulus had the same scarf wrapped around his neck.

Dorcas had gotten Regulus out of the house by telling him that they were going to visit Margaret. Regulus had jumped at the opportunity once he had received a convincing letter from the old witch explaining that her back and knees were hurting from walking up and down the stairs of the apartment.

Regulus never suspected that when he took Dorcas’ hand outside the apartment to apparate to Margaret’s house that he would be taken here. He wanted to applaud the two witches for managing to do so. Regulus had felt terrible at the possibility of causing harm to his elderly friend and was going to force Lily to apparate from St Mungo’s to help relieve the woman’s pain.

He was close to taking out his wand and apparating himself back to his and Remus’ apartment when Dorcas had turned to him and told him that he needed to do this for himself. After more words from Dorcas—particularly those that informed him he would be leaving her alone to watch the game—he had relented.

The game was close, but Dorcas had warned him before that it was going to be this way. Both teams were doing well in the league and the game today was essential to cementing their places on the leaderboards.

Regulus didn’t tear his eyes away from James the entire game, watching the man make every pass and movement with expertise. There was definitely anger that fueled the way that James moved around the pitch. And Regulus was certain he was responsible for part of it—if not all of it.

Remembering that, Regulus replied with, “I don’t think James wants me there.”

The crowds of people in the stands were still making their way towards the exits as Regulus and Dorcas remained in their seats. Regulus watched the teams gathered around their coaches on the pitch, family and friends already standing nearby to greet their loved ones once they were dismissed.

He could see Sirius. It was easy to identify him, even from in the crowd. With his long black hair and black leather jacket, he was easily recognisable.

Puddlemere United had played a great game and were likely being exceedingly congratulated by their coach. They had won. Not by much. But it was a win regardless. And Regulus was proud of James and Marlene.

“Are you sure?” Dorcas told him. “I think James needs to see that you were here.”

“I’m not ready to talk to him,” Regulus said with a shaky voice.

“You can’t hide forever, Reg. The last thing you want is to lose him completely.”

“You go down to Marlene,” he told her, not trying to hide the tremble in his voice. “Talk to Sirius. Let him know I was here.”

“Let who know? Sirius or James?”

“Sirius. I’m sure my brother will tell James anyway.”

“Why don’t you tell him yourself?” Dorcas asked. “Come with me to the pitch and talk to your brother. I won’t force you to talk to James and you can leave anytime you want.”

Regulus stayed quiet.

“Be brave,” Dorcas told him, reaching out to squeeze his hand.

By the time Regulus gathered the courage to allow Dorcas to lead him down to the pitch James and most of the other team had gone into the changerooms. This somewhat eased Regulus’ nerves.

He wasn’t certain of what he could expect from his brother. He didn’t know whether he would be angry with Regulus after finding out what had truly happened between him and James. He had prepared himself for glares and harsh reprimands.

He split off from Dorcas who went running to her girlfriend as he walked towards his brother. Sirius, who was talking to two of the Puddlemere players, looked in Regulus’ direction and began walking towards him. Sirius’ steps were quicker and Regulus couldn’t decipher the look on Sirius’ face. He was preparing himself to be yelled at. However, as the two brothers finally met Sirius did something that Regulus had not expected. His brother wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a hug. His brother was hugging him. Sirius was hugging him. And fuck, Regulus wanted to sob into Sirius’ chest the way he had done when he was younger.

He pulled back and was once again surprised when Sirius didn’t release him and step away. Sirius kept both of his hands on Regulus’ shoulders, looking into his brother’s face with deep concern.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked.

“I think I should be asking you that,” Regulus mumbled back.

A sad look crossed Sirius’ face which was answer enough.

“I’m your older brother, Reg,” Sirius told him. “I will always want to be sure you are okay first.”

Regulus shook his head. “Your feelings are just as important as mine.”

“Let me have this, Reg,” Sirius’ voice was filled with sadness. “Let me help you so I don’t have to think about my pain.”

“I just wanted you to know I was here,” Regulus told him. “That I watched the game.”

Understanding filled Sirius’ face. “I’ll tell him you were here.”

“And,” Regulus hesitated before he pulled a ring off of his middle finger. He pulled out his wand and tapped it, removing the glamour he had placed on it. What seconds ago had appeared to be a plain silver band was now engraved with a sun and a star. And if Regulus was to look on the inside of the band, he would find several words etched into the metal.

“Here.” He held the ring out to Sirius. “This is for James.”

Sirius took it from him gently, letting it sit in the palm of his hand.

“Tell him I’m not returning it. Tell him I am letting him borrow it so I have incentive to come and get it back,” Regulus explained, already feeling nauseous at the loss of the familiar object. He hadn’t taken it off his finger in six years, even after he ended things with the man.

“This is your way of forcing yourself to come back to talk to James?” Sirius asked, amused as he looked between Regulus and the object.

“Yes. And it will have to be soon. I don’t think I can last long without it.”

12th June 1983
Remus’ POV

Remus watched as Regulus sat at the table in their apartment, hunched over a piece of parchment. When Regulus had returned home yesterday and explained that he had not been to visit Margaret but was instead kidnapped by Dorcas to watch Marlene and James’ Quidditch game he was in disbelief.

Regulus had been sitting here for an hour lost in thought. His thumb kept drifting to press against his middle finger before moving away. It was a repetitive action, one that made Remus realise that Regulus’ ring was missing from his finger. It was the one ring that Regulus never took off. Regulus constantly fiddled with the ring and now his hands were bare of any jewellery.

“Your ring,” he said.

“Hm?” Regulus replied, looking up from the blank piece of parchment.

“Where’d your ring go?”

Regulus looked down at his finger before looking back up at Remus. “I gave it to Sirius yesterday to give to James.”

“Why? You never take that ring off.”

“Exactly,” Regulus responded. “So now if I want it back I have to go talk to James.”

“Can you trust him with it?” Remus asked, his eyebrows furrowing. “Is he going to take care of it?”

“I would hope so,” Regulus replied. “He was the one that gave it to me.”

“James gave it to you?”

“On my birthday. 1977. Haven’t taken it off since. Well, until now,” Regulus grimaced, pressing his hand over the one with the missing ring.

“Do you know when you are going to go get it back?”

“I want to figure out the best way to ease into this conversation.” Regulus gestured to the parchment in front of him. “I’ve been trying to come up with some ideas.”

“So you haven’t been sitting here doing work for The Daily Prophet.”

Regulus looked at him in horror. “On a Sunday? On one of our days off? Never.”

“I was confused why you would be doing that.”

Regulus groaned and put down the quill. “I don’t know what to do. I’m not good at expressing my feelings. I just need—” Regulus paused and Remus watched as the man’s face lit up. Regulus stood up and ran into his room.

Several minutes later Remus looked on in confusion as his friend returned with his fist closed around an object. He sat down at the table in front of the quill, an ink pot and paper, placing the object down off to the side.

Regulus picked up the quill and started writing something across the parchment. Remus wasn’t close enough to make out the elegant swoop of Regulus’ handwriting.

“What are you doing?” He asked curiously as the man wrote with godly speed.

“I’m writing” was the answer given by Regulus. Remus rolled his eyes, his best friend was still the same little shit.

Half a minute later Regulus finished. He placed the small object on top of the paper, pulled out his wand and uttered a spell.

“Now if this disappears…” He tapped the stone twice and Remus watched on with a mixture of awe and confusion. Regulus’ face twisted into relief before morphing into pain.

Remus watched as the piece of parchment disappeared from underneath the rock.

“He didn’t turn it off,” Regulus said under his breath before clasping a hand to his mouth in horror. “Oh fuck he didn’t turn it off.”

Remus now recognised what the object was from when Regulus had opened up to them about his past with James. It was a smooth grey rock, the top was carefully painted with expertise to display a sun and a star. It seemed that this was a common theme in James and Regulus’ relationship. This was the magical object that Regulus had turned off—the one that let him and James pass letters to each other while they were still at Hogwarts.

“Did you think he would have turned that off?” Remus asked.

Regulus was still freaking out. “If I didn’t have my doubts I would’ve proofread that before I sent it.”

“What did you send?”

Regulus responded with a groan.

From that reaction, Remus figured it was something either embarrassingly sappy or dreadfully humiliating.