The Bracebridge Dinner
Winter comes much faster than Jamie realizes. Seasons move on quickly here, one second the trees were full of orange and red, and now there are thick blankets of snow coating every surface. She likes it like this when the world is a peaceful wonderland. It’s always quieter when it snows, it makes the whole world go silent. Little flurries fall outside the window and her eyes are dragged over to them. It’s her mum’s fault. Effie’s always loved the snow, ever since she was young. She would drag James out in it all the time, to make snow angels and snowmen. She’d tilt her head back to taste the snow straight from the sky and Jamie would do the same. Some of her best memories are in the snow. She almost wanted to go out in it now, tripping over herself as she tried to trudge through it.
“Jamie!” Sirius’ voice breaks her out of her head, that along with his foot digging into her shin.
Jamie blinks quickly, shaking her head, “What?”
“Have you been paying attention to anything I’ve been saying?” Sirius questions.
Jamie shakes her head, “Sorry.”
Sirius sighs, standing up, “Do you wanna order food? Do you have to be back?”
“Mum’s working late,” Jamie tells him, “And I don’t know where my Dad is. He’s not home.”
“He’s in the Netherlands,” Sirius answers, halfway through the kitchen.
Jamie’s eyebrows knit together, “How do you know that?”
“He called me yesterday,” Sirius answers, “Wanted to know how I was doing. Do you want some hot chocolate?”
Jamie feels the lump in the back of her throat again. She feels it everywhere, taking over her entire body. Monty called Sirius. Monty called Sirius to check up on him and Jamie hasn’t heard from him in days. Not since he left the last time, and even then he didn’t stay here for long. If it wasn’t for Jamie probably wouldn’t have talked at all, but he called Sirius. He called Sirius and not Jamie. He always says Sirius is like a son to him. She just didn’t think that put him above her.
“Jamie?” Sirius calls out again.
“Right yeah sure,” Jamie clears her throat, trying to stop it from shaking. “I’ll take some.”
“We have vanilla,” Sirius says, “Regulus likes it.”
“I’ll try some,” Jamie tells him.
“It’s mine.”
Jamie looks up to find Regulus leaning on the doorway, his headphones resting against his shoulders and his arms crossed. He’s in Sirius’ clothes again, apparently, he hasn’t actually made it out to the stores yet. He refuses to take any of Andy’s money even if she gives him plenty of it.
“Hi,” Jamie says, her eyes wide.
Regulus' eyes meet hers, his gaze flickers over her. They haven’t talked very much since they first met, they haven’t actually talked at all. Besides times like this, when Regulus randomly shows up when Jaime is around. Sometimes they’re at the diner together and Regulus pours Jaime coffee, but he never admits it when she questions why her almost empty cup is suddenly full again. He’s never very talkative.
“Hi,” Regulus says back, it’s much of a surprise to Jamie than it is to Regulus or so it seems anyway.
She smiles, trying to bite it back, “Did you want to stay?”
Regulus pauses, if only for a moment before shaking his head, “No.”
He leaves as soon as he appears, fitting his headphones over his head before disappearing up the stairs. Jamie almost finds something inside herself to follow him, but she can’t exactly make it up out of the chair. Sirius comes into the room too quickly anyway for her to really make her move. He sets a cup in front of her, overflowing with whipped cream.
“Your brother is weird,” Jamie mumbles, taking a sip even if it burns her tongue.
Sirius snorts, “Yeah you could say that again.”
The taste of vanilla is overwhelming, and yet it’s welcoming at the exact same time. Jamie wonders if it would taste the same if she didn’t know it was what Regulus picked out. Maybe it’s just the idea of him that makes it this way. He’s an enigma. She can’t ever understand him, and she shouldn’t even want to, that’s the thing. She shouldn’t care at all, and yet she does. She wants to be with him all the time, she wants to sit on a park bench with him if only to stare at their shoes. She wishes she had run away with him when she had the option to, but now she’s not exactly sure what to do.
“Has he actually—“
“Jamie,” Sirius stops her, “We’re not doing this again.”
“Doing what?”
“All you ever talk about now is Reg,” Sirius explains.
“That’s not true!”
Sirius sends her a pointed look, “Alright, yeah.”
“I just—“
“Want him to like you,” Sirius finishes for her into his cup.
Jamie sighs, “Or at least not hate me.”
Sirius rolls his eyes, “No one hates you.”
“But—“
“No one hates you,” Sirius repeats. “He’s cold like that to everyone, it doesn’t mean he hates you.”
There’s a thought that lodges in her throat. If her father can hate her, what stops anyone else? The person who knew her inside and out, the whole who held her when she was young, only an infant. The whole who held her up and spun her around until she divulged into fits of giggles, again and again. The one who taught her to drive, and find her way in the world. The one who she trusted, and promised he’d love her forever. If he can hate her. If he can refuse to ever speak to her. If he can prefer Sirius over her. Who’s to say anyone else will be any different? Who’s to say everyone else won’t leave her at the drop of a hat, or at least when the time is right? It’s not a very nice thought to have. She shouldn’t even be keeping it close to her palm. It shouldn’t be overtaking her chest. She’s not sure anymore.
“Okay,” Jamie says, taking a sip hoping the heat will melt the blades resting in her throat.
“Now food?” Sirius questions, kicking his feet up on one of the closer chairs.
“Yeah, I could eat,” Jamie answers.
“I’ll call Frank,” Sirius says, “He’ll get us the free cheesy bread.”
Jamie laughs, “Not if Alice is around.”
Sirius brushes it off, “No, no he’ll get it to us.”
It’s Alice’s family’s shop and Frank only works there on the weekends. He’s also the only one who’s nice enough to throw in free stuff, to specific costumers anyway. Jamie has no idea how they even got on the list, but she’s not complaining. Sirius has his number saved separately, it all has to be a secret operation. If Alice catches any of them they’re screwed.
Before Sirius can actually call the number Jamie’s phone goes off instead. Sirius pauses looking over. “It’s my mum,” Jamie answers before he can ask, “Give me a second.”
She’s at the Inn, they’ve got this big party coming in tomorrow, they bought out the entire Inn. They’re doing a whole big thing for it too, they’ll be a show and everything. They’ve all been working overtime to get it to work, they’re supposed to be doing rehearsals for it tonight, as is why Effie will be home late.
Before Jamie can even open her mouth, “Can you come down here?”
“What?” Jamie questions.
Effie sighs, “We’re swamped I’m calling in reinforcements.”
“Ah,” Jamie says, “I’m with Sirius.”
“Perfect, bring him too,” Effie says quickly, “Godspeed.” Then she’s hanging up the phone.
Jamie looks down at the empty screen, blinking, “Wanna head to the Inn?”
Sirius laughs, “Fuck it, let’s do it.” It never really takes much to convince Sirius to do something. Only the suggestion is enough for him, barely even that. He downs the rest of his hot chocolate, quickly running it over to the sink, “Let me change first.” He’s in his pajamas he always is when he’s home. Back in New York, he was never allowed to, he always had to be dressed up no matter the time. He says he’s making up for all that lost time now.
Jamie nods, watching him run off to the other side of the house. As soon as he’s gone from view she’s up too, turning to the other side instead, quietly walking up the stairs. Regulus’ bedroom is right in the middle of everything, it’s not very hard to find. His door is closed, and Jamie only hesitates slightly before marching up to knock on it. There comes no answer. She tries again, and a third time before she gives up and just pushes the door open instead. Regulus is sitting at his desk, his headphones pressed against his ears, Jamie can hear the music even from here.
“Regulus,” Jamie calls out.
He doesn’t turn, she looks behind her quickly before walking forward. Pressing her hand against his shoulder. He practically jumps out of his skin, quickly pushing his headphones off.
“Sorry!” Jamie winces, “I didn’t mean to—“
“What are you doing?” Regulus exclaims, his eyes wide with fear. He was afraid. Jamie did that.
“We’re heading out,” Jamie forces out. “To my mum's Inn,” she trails off, “I was wondering if you wanted to come with.”
Regulus blinks slowly, “What?”
“I just thought since we were both going that you’d…” She sighs, “If you wanted to come you can.”
Regulus’ eyes trail down her arm, to where her hand still sits on his shoulder. Quickly she takes is away, “No,” Regulus answers turning back around, picking up his pen, “I’m fine.”
“Okay, yeah,” Jamie steps back, “If you change your mind…”
“I won’t,” Regulus cuts her off.
Jamie nods, “Okay.” She pauses for a beat, before stepping back away, walking back to the doorway.
“Jamie?” Regulus calls out, looking back over at her. His eyes wide. Deep enough to fall into, Jamie feels herself falling even on solid ground.
“Yeah?”
Regulus hesitates, opening his mouth just to close it again. Eventually, he says, “Close the door on your way out.”
She nods, “Right,” she can’t help her disappointment as she hears the door click shut.
“Jamie!” Sirius calls out from downstairs, the jiggle of his keys being flipped around his fingers. “You coming?”
Jamie looks back at Regulus' door, just for a second, like she’s actually expecting him to be waiting for her there. “Yeah,” she calls out, “I’m coming.”
⟡⟡⟡⟡
“Good, you’re both here,” Effie runs into the lobby.
Jamie pulls her coat off, watching the snow fall on the mats below, “How much do you still have left to do?”
“What don’t we have?” She sighs, running over to the front desk. “Beth is still in the kitchen trying to figure out one of the courses. We have actors running around everywhere trying to remember their lines. Aberforth is a lost cause and he’s our main guy, so we have to get that sorted. Not to mention we still have guests here, so try to be quiet, won’t you?”
Jamie nods, “What do you need us to do?”
“Help with decorations, they’re all in the dining room,” Effie answers, sorting through papers Jamie doesn’t even want to ask. She looks up after a second, “Oh, and Jamie, your grandparents keep calling me and I’ve ignored them enough times that they’re getting restless.”
“Why are they suddenly my grandparents?” She jokes, walking over to the desk, Sirius right behind her.
Effie rolls her eyes, “I’m busy and have absolutely no time to deal with them, so when they call—“
“I’ll answer it,” Jamie says.
“I could,” Sirius suggests, “We all know they like me the most.”
Jamie scoffs, “Keep telling yourself that.”
“I don’t care who answers the phone, just that someone does,” Effie hands her phone over. “Now get going, I don’t want to be here all night.”
Jamie shakes her head, waking across the room to the dining room. She knows this place like the back of her hand, it’s basically like a second home. Hell, it was her home until she was eleven and Effie finally got enough money to move them out of here. She spends a lot of her afternoons here too, trying to earn some extra cash by doing things around, or just to be here, it’s really a beautiful place. The amount of times her friends have pushed her into the lake out back is probably too much to count, even if it was fucking freezing they didn’t ever seem to care.
As soon as they’re in the dining room there’s people running around everywhere, and a group of people practicing in the corner, heads deep in their scripts.
“Why didn’t Effie ask me to preform?” Sirius asks, pulling out a chair. “I would’ve been great.”
Jamie scoffs lightly, “You would’ve been a fucking mess.”
“A beautiful wonderful mess,” Sirius corrects, dragging the flowers closer to him. “It’s a shame we can’t go.”
Jamie joins him, collecting bundles in her hands, “If we were here we’d be working not actually enjoying it.”
Sirius shrugs, “It would’ve been fun though,” he adds, “We could invite everyone. Make a whole night of it.”
Jamie’s first thought is to invite Regulus. She’s not sure why that is.
“Remus would hate it,” Jamie mumbles instead.
“He’d do it for me,” Sirius decides.
“I tried taking him to the Renaissance fair once,” Jamie says, “I had to trick him into the car, and even then he put up a fight.”
They were together for a short time back when they were fifteen. It’s such a small window Jamie doesn’t think of it much anymore. They swore they were in love, and they were, at least as in love as you can be at fifteen. Jamie’s parents got it together young, she thought she was like them. That they’d be together forever, and then they were sixteen, and things weren’t the same anymore. They loved each other that much was true, but it was never love. Not in the way it’s supposed to feel anyway. When they broke up they were sitting crosslegged on Remus’ bed, staring each other down. Neither of them had said anything in at least twenty minutes, their gazes flickering over each other’s faces, hands clasped, asking. They didn’t want to say anything. They knew they needed to. They didn’t kiss goodbye. They let go of their hands together, slowly, without dropping each other’s gaze.
“James?” Remus murmured slowly. It was before she came out, it wasn’t the reason, it had nothing to do with it. Remus didn’t know. Jamie barely knew herself.
“Remus,” Jamie responded. An answer.
Then they slid off the bed and watched movies on the floor until Remus’ mom came home and made them open the door. Jamie went home later that night, and she didn’t pack up all his old things. She didn’t shred the pictures she had hanging on her mirror. She didn’t take them down at all. They’re still up now. Even the one with Remus kissing her cheek. It’s not that she misses it, or even particularly wants to remember it. It’s just there. It’s always been there. Remus has one up too. No one ever questions it. That’s just how it is, how they are, they’re Remus and Jamie. Even if Remus and Jamie weren’t meant to last forever.
“No offense, but he likes me better,” Sirius teases.
Jamie shakes her head from the memory, “Uh-huh.”
Sirius nudges her shoulder, “You and I can take him together.”
She smiles, “Yeah we can do that.”
Remus would hate something like this. He’d point out everything wrong with it, skulking in the corner, or at least he’d pretend to. They’re all pretty good at getting him out of it. They’d get him to enjoy himself, even if it’s only a little bit.
Before they can continue Effie’s phone starts buzzing off the table. Jamie’s grandparents' number flashed on the front. They still refuse to get rid of their landline, they don’t use anything else. Jamie picks up the phone, resting it on her shoulder as she keeps working, “Hi.”
“Jamie?” Rose questions. “Where’s your mother?”
“She’s busy,” Jamie explains, “There’s this big event at the Inn.”
Rose sighs, “Mighty inconvenient.”
Jamie meets Sirius’ eyes, “This weekend is just not a good time.”
“Well I wanted to ask her about Friday Night Dinner,” She goes on, “She never got back to me if it was actually happening, after canceling this week.”
They go over once a week and have for a couple of years now. Effie says it’s a way for Rose to get her claws in them, but Jamie likes going over there sometimes. It’s nice to catch up with them. They’ve always been kind to her, even after she transitioned. She didn’t want to tell them at first, she kept putting it off, but she hated wearing her old clothes when she didn’t need to, and hearing the wrong pronouns made her want to dig herself out of her skin. Effie put a stop to it, she convinced her to actually tell them. If they reacted badly to it Effie would handle it. By handling it she meant she wouldn’t ever speak to them again, well scream at them a lot first and then never speak to them again. Jamie asked her to do it for her, not being able to get the words out. They struggled a bit at first, but they always corrected each other. Jamie can at least appreciate that, even if they’re not the kindest people to everyone else.
They go over as much as they can, but sometimes they have to cancel for whatever reason. Effie’s been really busy with work, there isn’t really a lot of time. Normally Jamie would just go over by herself, or if Monty is in town he’ll go with them. He used to go every week, he’d schedule his business trips around it. Mainly because he knows it drives Effie crazy and he wants to be there with her. He doesn’t do that anymore. He’s normally gone Friday nights, and Jamie would rather not go alone. Sirius goes sometimes, especially when Monty isn’t there. He sits beside Jaime and puts all the conversation on him, he’s good at it, and he says it’s because he’s got lots of practice.
“I’m not sure,” Jamie ends up saying. “We should be okay next Friday, but I’m not sure if something is happening at the Inn.”
Rose sighs, “It’s just that this is the last dinner we’d have before Christmas, and your grandfather and I will be out of town.”
“Won’t you have the Christmas party?” Jamie asks.
They have it every year, Effie hates going, or at least that’s what she says. She really only goes for the apple tarts now. She stuffs extra in her purse before she leaves. Rose always argues with her, trying to take it from her. Nothing can keep Effie away though.
“Yes, but that’s the week after,” Rose says, “We won’t be alone for it. We have people coming and I’m sure Sirius would join you, won’t he?”
Jamie looks up at him mouthing, “Christmas Party?”
Sirius cracks a smile nodding, “Of course.”
“Yeah he’ll be there,” Jamie says.
“So, I’d like to have dinner just the five of us,” Rose continues, “Will your father be home?”
Jamie hesitates, she’s honestly not sure of his schedule. She’s never been sure, “I don’t know,” she ends up saying, “His schedule changes a lot.”
“Business must be doing well,” Rose sighs, “Your grandfather will be happy.”
They don’t work at the same place, but their firms are under the same umbrella. Jamie isn’t exactly sure how it all works out. “Yeah, it’s doing okay.”
“Try to get him to come,” Rose says, “I’m sure you’ll be able to convince him.”
Jamie feels her heart on the outside of her chest, “Yeah I’ll try.”
And she will. She can mention it to him, or call him later and ask, but she’ll probably get a voicemail, or at the very least Monty will run off after a few minutes because he has other more important things to handle. Not that he ever says that, but Jamie knows what he means.
“Good, you’ll tell your mother too?”
“I will,” Jamie promises, “As soon as this is over.”
“I’ll see you Friday,” Rose says.
Jamie nods, “I’ll see you.”
Hanging up the phone she sets it down on the table. “Is everything alright?” Sirius questions.
Jamie shrugs, “She just wanted to know what we were doing for dinner.”
“And that needed multiple phone calls?”
“You know her,” Jamie says, “I’m surprised she didn’t force me to get mum and drag her to the phone. “
“Fair.”
They’re not working for that long before Effie comes running into the room, collapsing into one of the nearer chairs, “You can stop working now.”
They both still, “Why?” Jamie asks.
“The Malfoy’s are snowed in, they can’t make it,” Effie says, dropping her head on the table. “We can’t actually do the dinner.” She adds, “They paid for everything, it’s all fine. We just have to clean everything up now.”
Jamie opens her mouth to speak but before she can Sirius beats her to it, “Wait it’s all paid for.”
Effie lifts her head, “Yeah, they couldn’t cancel it this close to the actual event.”
A smile spreads across Sirius’ face, as he looks between the two of them, “I think I have an idea.”
⟡⟡⟡⟡
Jamie stands beside Effie in the lobby of the Inn, clipboards in their hands. Even with only a day's notice they got a fair amount of people heading up here for the dinner. They’ll all get all dressed up, eat a ridiculous amount of food, and watch an… interesting production of whatever Effie’s got cooking up. Jamie’s in her favorite dress, the one in the back of her closet she almost never puts on. She spotted it in the window months before she came out. She didn’t even realize it herself but she was enamored. She’d ditch her friends just to walk down the street and catch a glimpse of it. When she came out Effie dragged her over to the store. She knew. She bought it for her no matter the price. She hardly wears it, only for special occasions. She doesn’t want it diminished in the slightest.
“Who’s going in room four?” Effie’s eyebrows knit together as she stares at the paper.
“Hm?” Jamie hums.
“It’s marked as reserved but there’s no name,” Effie answers, flipping to the second page.
“About that…” Jamie trails off.
Effie picks her head up, “Who did you invite?”
“Grandma called again,” Jamie says, “Last night after you went to bed.”
“No,” Effie grits her teeth.
Jamie smiles, “I thought it would get us out of going over there Friday night for dinner.”
“Did it?” Effie questions.
She shakes her head, “Nope.”
Effie sighs throwing her head back, “You can’t trust them, kid.”
“At least it’ll make up for missing dinner yesterday,” Jamie says, “They’re still pissed at you for that.”
“They can bite my—“
“Mum.”
She sighs, “Yeah alright, it’s good, it’s good that they’re coming.”
Jamie rolls her eyes with a smile. At least they’re always the same, there’s that. The door opens before their conversation can continue, and Sirius is running through the door.
“Guess who I convinced to come with,” he says quickly.
Jamie blinks and before she can even answer Regulus is walking in, tugging his hat off his head. Her eyes widen, and she tries to bite back her smile. Andy and Ted follow, and quickly Effie walks over to them, but Jamie stands completely still.
“Regulus,” she calls out.
He meets her eyes, wordlessly staring back.
“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius brushes them off, “Ignore your best friend why don’t you?”
“I saw you this morning,” Jamie scoffs. “And you were here like an hour ago.”
Sirius ignores her, “No, no I get it I’ve been replaced. You don’t like me anymore.”
“Must you be so dramatic?” Regulus questions.
Sirius hums, “It’s in our blood,” he reaches over ruffling Regulus’ hair. Regulus pushes him off, stepping forward towards Jamie.
“What room are we in?” He asks, “And please tell me I’m not stuck with him the entire time.”
Jamie shrugs, “Well he’s with me.”
“Thank god.”
“But—“ Regulus freezes. “We didn’t know you were coming,” Jamie finishes, “So you’ll have to stay with us.” Not exactly true, he could stay with Andy and Ted, they have two beds too. Or Jamie could just sleep in Effie’s room with her, Monty is away so there’s room. Sirius and Regulus could have beds to themself, but what’s the fun in that?
Regulus looks over at Sirius, “Can I go home now?”
“No,” Sirius slings his arm around Regulus’ shoulder. “We’ll take it.”
“You don’t have a choice,” James says, grabbing one of the keys for the two of them.
“Are you heading up too?” Sirius asks, pocketing it.
Jamie shrugs, “In a little bit, I’m gonna help everyone else up first.”
Sirius nods, as Regulus pushes him off him, “Let’s go.”
Sirius walks off first, but Regulus hesitates, looking up at Jamie for an extra second or two. His eyes are blown wide open, and questions flying past. Jamie wishes she knew what he was thinking. She wants to get inside his head, even now.
“I like your dress,” Regulus ends up saying.
“Oh,” Jamie gapes.
Regulus is gone before she can say anything more coherent. Disappearing up the stairs, following Sirius’ footsteps. Oh.
⟡⟡⟡⟡
It takes no more than an hour for everyone to show up, and they’ve all gathered in the lobby waiting for something to happen. Regulus and Sirius didn’t stay upstairs for long. Just long enough for Regulus to get the lay of the land, before coming back down. Regulus didn’t immediately go up to Jamie, instead breaking away from Jamie to sit next to Ted. From the looks of it they’re not talking to each other, just standing close by. Remus and Peter got here pretty soon after Sirius, both standing around Jamie as she handed out all the keys. They’ve got the place pretty packed but it’s not all guests, everyone working tonight also gets a room allowing them to actually enjoy themselves and not have to drive home after all this is done.
“Alright, everyone attention!” Effie gathers everyone’s gaze, stepping up to the front. “I’d like to thank everyone for coming, and also thank Mother Nature for snowing in the Malfoy’s so I could actually throw this event for all of you.” With a pause she adds, “And since this is a once in, hopefully, a lifetime event I’ve decided to make it extra special for all of you. Outside as we speak there is a line of horse-drawn sleighs and we all get a ride.”
Chatter rains over the room, and Jamie looks around at everyone watching each other, trying to see who they’ll sit with. Obviously, Sirius and Remus’ eyes are locked, and all the other couples are too. Peter meets Jamie’s eyes for a second before he mumbles, “I’m allergic to horses.”
Jamie nods, “Right yeah.”
“So everyone get in line!” Effie speaks up again, “But after me 'cause I’ll be damned if I miss a ride on a horse-drawn sleigh.”
She could go up and ride with her mum but everyone is already pushing and shoving to get to the front, so it doesn’t really matter. She joins the crowd eventually, but she’s not very eager to get to the front, waiting until the line dies down when she hopes inside, tugging the blanket over her lap. It’s freezing out, snow is scattered all around the ground. It’s pretty though. She always wanted to go on one of these when she was younger, and wave her arms like a princess while riding through the streets. She never told anyone, she couldn’t find the words really. She didn’t know how to describe what she wanted back then, she didn’t even know what she wanted.
“Is it just you?” The driver asks.
Jamie looks behind to find no line, “Looks like it.”
The horse starts walking, slowly, it’s no more than a stroll really. It only takes a few steps before someone jumps into the cart, and settles into the seat.
“Regulus?” Jamie questions.
He looks over, eyes wide in shock as if even he didn’t realize what he just did, “There’s two to a sleigh,” he ends up saying. “You broke the rules.”
Jamie rolls her eyes, tugging at the blanket to put over his lap, “I didn’t think you’d care about those.”
She hasn’t heard a lot about his time at school but she’s seen him around. Walking aimlessly through the halls, he’s in one of her classes. The only person a year below in it, apparently his grades before made it impossible to put him anywhere else. At least that’s what the teachers all say. He’s very advanced, just not from the looks of it. He’s always staring off somewhere during class, or reading a book in the corner refusing to do any work the teachers give him. He doesn’t show up during test days, he doesn’t show up a lot actually. Jamie tried to talk to him once, towards the end of the class period to ask if he needed anything, but he didn’t take his headphones off, he looked right past her. He’s never seen anywhere else though, at least not from Jamie, and she’s looked.
Regulus shrugs, “I thought you did.”
“Not really,” Jamie says.
“You’re always raising your hand in class,” Regulus goes on, “And you’re in the library more than you’re not.”
“You’ve been watching me?” Jamie questions.
Regulus doesn’t look away like she’s expecting him to, he looks straight at her, “No.”
Jamie laughs, it’s small, soft. She hasn’t always been like that, being a good student and all that. It’s not that she was ever bad, she just didn’t try all that much. She got by and got good grades just because she could, not because she tried. Then the classes got harder, and less hands-on, and she started to slip. Monty stopped being home and she thought, well she can’t fix who she is but she can fix how she is. She could get good grades. She could make him proud. She didn’t think anyone noticed her. She didn’t try to change overnight, just in case someone asked the reason. She doesn’t want to think about it.
“Why are suddenly talking to me?” She finds herself asking.
Regulus doesn’t blink, “It’s boring here.”
Jamie nods, “I tried to warn you.”
“You like boring,” Regulus says.
“I do,” Jamie looks away, past the town and the Christmas lights covering the street. It’s small, it’s simple, and hardly anything happens here. There are events of course but nothing disastrous. She still doesn’t ever want to leave, she likes being here. It’s safe. She knows nothing can hurt her here. She doesn’t elaborate, doesn’t add anything else. There’s really nothing else to add.
“You’re not boring,” Regulus says, and Jamie can feel his eyes on the side of her head.
“I’m not?” She turns back around, his eyes are wide again. Deep enough to fall through, she can see the entire ocean resting just behind them.
Regulus shakes his head slowly, “You should be.”
“Oh?” Jamie replies face drawn up in confusion.
Regulus doesn’t explain himself. “Why do you wear your old clothes?”
Jamie freezes, and the question comes out of nowhere, she’s put on edge. “What are you talking about?”
Regulus doesn’t seem phased, “You just normally wear clothes nothing like them.” He says, “So why do it?”
Jamie takes a moment to catch her breath, and bite back that awful feeling in her throat, “They’re comfortable.”
Regulus takes it, or at least he seems to, “Okay.”
“I only wear them at home, really,” Jamie says, she’s not sure why she’s still talking.
Regulus sends her a pointed look, “I’ve seen you wear them outside before.”
“You’ve been watching me?” Jamie repeats.
Regulus doesn’t deny it this time, “I was just curious.”
“It’s not that big of a deal,” Jamie says quickly.
“Right.”
“It’s not.”
Regulus looks back at her, an unspoken emotion passing over his eyes. He looks straight through her. He can see her veins pumping beneath her neck, and the small fractures left in her ribs from her heart beating too quickly, too much. She suddenly wants to cover herself up, or jump from the sleigh and walk all the way home. “You remind me of someone.”
Jamie doesn’t want to know, she doesn’t want to ask. She changes her mind, she wants nothing to do with the inside of Regulus’ head. “What are you doing?”
“I’m talking to you,” Regulus answers.
“You said you didn’t want to be my friend,” Jamie points out.
“Who says I’m trying to be friends?” Regulus asks.
Jamie falls silent. Regulus keeps his eyes on her. There’s something else. Something he’s not saying. The sleigh rolls to a stop outside of the Inn and Regulus hops out without another word, shuffling inside, quickly and quietly. No one is the wiser. Maybe he never was here at all. A simple figment of Jamie’s imagination. To spill everything rotten inside her liver. She pushes the blanket off and goes inside.
⟡⟡⟡⟡
Jamie sits between Remus and Peter during dinner. Regulus is right across from her, but he’s looking anywhere but her. Quietly swirling his spoon in his soup, only taking the occasional bite. He’s between Ted and Andy, awkwardly listening in to the conversations. They have a little show between courses, but Aberforth got a bottle of wine before the last one and has been working his way through it, it’s about to go off the rails sooner than later. Effie is at the head of the table, rubbing her temples as her parents talk her ear off about something or other. Jamie would walk over and switch seats to save her, but she can’t look away from Regulus. As if he’ll do something if he’s not being watched.
Remus nudges her side, catching her eye, “You okay?” He whispers low enough that it’s only between the two of them. Sirius is busy talking to Ted anyway, Jamie tuned out a while ago she has no idea what they could be talking about.
Jamie nods, “I’m fine.”
Remus narrows his eyes, “What happened?”
“Nothing,” Jamie’s voice strains and she knows she’s done for.
Remus tilts his head, even without it he’d know. Remus knows everything that comes to Jamie, he reads her so easily. There’s something about being together so young, they saw each other inside and out. There’s a bond that comes between the two of them. Nothing that’ll take away from what Remus has with Sirius, or what Jamie has with… someone. It’s just different is all.
“Do you wanna get out of here?” Remus asks.
Jamie feels the answer resting in the middle of her chest, she almost says yes, almost. “What would be the point?”
“Jamie,” Remus says lowly.
She looks away, back at her plate, “I’m fine.”
Remus looks over at the other side of the table, Jamie looks too Regulus is looking directly at them, his grip tightening on his spoon. His jaw clenched as he looks between them. Remus bites back his laughter, looking back over at Jamie, covering his mouth to whisper in her ear, “Someone is jealous?”
She whips her head over to him, “What?”
He shakes his head, “You’re an idiot.”
Jamie rolls her eyes, “Yeah, yeah.”
Remus’ face falls again, “Okay, come on, what’s wrong.” Before Jamie can answer he adds, “And I swear to god if you say nothing I’ll drag you out of this room right now.”
Jamie shakes her head, “Nothing is wrong.”
Remus grabs her arm yanking her out of her chair, bringing her to stumble as he pulls her out of the room. Sirius sends them an odd look and Remus gives one back, “I’ll tell you later” it says. Others stop talking, but not enough that the room goes completely silent, it covers up the whispering arguing Jamie gives as she tries to pull her arm back.
Remus sets her up outside of the room, closing the door, “Stop struggling.”
Jamie huffs, “Let me go then.”
“If I let you go how fast will you run?” Remus questions.
“About two seconds,” Jamie answers.
“That’s what I thought,” Remus eases his grip but still keeps his hand on her forearm. “What aren’t you telling me?”
Jamie stares him down because there’s really nothing she can say, even if she wants to. She can’t very well talk about the sleigh ride. She can’t tell him what Regulus said. She can’t tell him to ignore that part it wouldn’t make any sense. All she’s talked about recently is wanting Regulus to talk to her, and now that he has she wants to take it all back. Remus will know there’s something else, but she can’t come clean. She can’t admit it. Not this.
“Did Regulus do something?” Remus asks.
Jamie freezes, “No.”
Remus nods, he knows, “Come on.”
Jamie looks away, she needs something, something to hold onto. She needs to say something but not the full thing. Something. Just something. She needs someone to walk out right now and ask what’s wrong if they’re okay. She needs an out.
“Why do you care?” Jamie asks instead, she’s not sure where it comes from.
Remus’ face falls, “Jamie…”
“It doesn’t matter,” she drops her hand, “Can we go back inside?”
Sadness flickers over his eyes and Jamie feels sick, “You’re…”
Nothing is wrong. If something is wrong then she’ll have to talk about it. If something is wrong she’ll have to admit that she called Monty yesterday and he didn’t answer. He hasn’t called her back in hours, and then Sirius showed up this morning and called him about something stupid. Jamie can’t even remember what it was about now, but Monty answered right away, like nothing was wrong, like he wasn’t busy. She never got a call back. If something is wrong then she’ll have to think about how she has to fix herself just to have her dad tolerate her. It’s not even about love anymore at this point, is it? If something is wrong she’ll fall apart completely, so nothing is wrong, she’s okay. It’s all okay. Her eyes are burning.
“Remus,” Jamie swallows past the lump in her throat, “I’m okay.”
He goes quiet, he doesn’t believe her, he can’t. She’s never been that good of a liar. “Do you wanna go upstairs?” He asks.
“Go back inside with Sirius,” Jamie says.
“Why are you sending me away?” Remus asks.
“Sirius wanted you here,” Jamie explains, “He was so excited about tonight. You should be with him.”
“I think he’d understand,” Remus says.
“Moony,” Jamie mumbles, a nickname from their youth. “Please.”
“I’m not going to just—“
The door opens to the left of them, and Effie is slipping out of the room, concern lining her face. “You okay out here?”
Jamie avoids her eyes, trying to stop her eyes from shining. Why’d it have to be her? Out of everyone in that room, this is worse than Remus.
Remus answers for her, “We’re okay.”
Effie doesn’t seem convinced, worry threading in her eyebrows, “Jamie?”
“We’re okay,” she repeats, meeting her eyes.
Uneasiness passes over Effie’s eyes, hesitantly she steps forward. “I’ve got her,” Remus beats her to it, “It’s okay.”
Jamie feels like a little kid, she hasn’t in a while. Her eyes drag down to Remus’ hand still on her arm, he won’t let her go, as if she’ll run into the street if he so much as takes a single step back. She’s waiting around in doorways, watching her parents asleep. She’s small. So small. Like she needs to be protected. She’s okay. She swears.
“Jamie?” Effie calls out again.
Jamie meets her eyes, “Yeah?”
She sends her a look, an out. Even with Remus, she has it, if she needs it. Effie will get them alone if she needs it, but even then she’ll have to talk. And Effie is much better at getting her to talk than Remus if that’s even possible. She puts on a smile with a nod, “It’s okay,” she says.
Effie nods, gaze flickering between the two of them, “Alright,” she steps back, reaching for the door, “If you need anything—“
“We’ll get you,” Remus reassures.
She nods, “Good.”
With one more prolonged moment, she’s gone, disappearing back into the room, and Jamie is alone with Remus again. Really not all that great all things considered.
“You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong,” Remus settles, rubbing circles on her arm. “But something is wrong, isn’t it?”
Jamie bites the inside of her cheek looking over at him, “It’s not much.”
“But it’s something,” Remus confirms.
Jamie nods slowly, “Something.”
That’s the most she can do, there’s really nothing else to say. Not without putting her heart on a platter and serving it to everyone she knows. If she tells Remus everyone will quickly follow. Not that Remus would tell them, he’s keeping it close. Jamie just can’t stop herself once she gets started, she’ll spill her guts to everyone she meets. Sirius and Peter first probably. Effie will follow soon after. Hell, she’d confirm it to Regulus why she’s at it. Tell random people in line at the grocery store. She’d leave her dad a voicemail cause she was certain he’d never answer the phone. Once it’s out it’s out. She can’t have that.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jamie says, gritted teeth, “Can we go back inside now?”
Remus’ eyes narrow, as he looks forward trying to see something that isn’t there, or maybe it is there, maybe she’s making it obvious, “Okay.”
“Okay,” she slips from his grasp, slipping into the room to find her plate cleared and a new one in its place. She ignores Sirius’ gaze or his whispers to Remus as soon as he joins her in the room. After a moment Jamie looks up to find Regulus staring at her. She looks back. He doesn’t look away.
⟡⟡⟡⟡
The rest of the dinner went slowly. Jamie hardly looked up from her plate. When she left she avoided Sirius who tried to grab her arm and tug in her, to ask what happened she’s sure. To try to figure out what’s wrong, but she hid in one of the back rooms instead. Somewhere far away from the grip of everyone there. They stopped looking after a while, and Effie was too busy cleaning up to actually see where she ran off to. It’s one of the old places she used to play hide and seek in, it’s cozier than she remembered it being, so much smaller. She might feel small, but she’s not. She’s grown too tall for this place. It’s strange sitting here now, listening to the chatter from the kitchen. It’s dark, if she closes her eyes it’s almost like she is little, waiting for Monty to come and find her. She can hear him calling out for her, a smile in his words. She pulls her knees to her chest, letting her dress fall all around her, maybe wearing it tonight wasn’t the best idea, if this is what it means now.
This is stupid. She wants her Dad. Dammit.
“What are you doing?”
She picks her head up, shock falling across her shoulders, “What are you doing here?”
Regulus is leaning in the doorway, lit with the moon and nothing else, “Everyone is looking for you.”
“Why do you care?” Jamie tugs her arms over her knees.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” Regulus forces out, he doesn’t really seem like the one who would apologize for anything. Even if he is in the wrong. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Jamie feels guilt lodge in her throat, “What are you talking about?”
Regulus sighs, “Jamie—“
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jamie says quickly.
“Okay,” Regulus whispers, “Can you at least come out here so Sirius can stop freaking out?”
“Fine,” Jamie mumbles, stretching her legs, she’s wobbly getting up. She hesitates before taking a step forward, “Regulus?”
Regulus hums, pausing at the door, “What?”
“Don’t…” she hesitates, “Don’t tell anyone?”
Regulus pauses, a moment of pity falling over his face. She hates that look. It’s better than anything else. “Tell anyone what?” He asks, trying to keep his voice light.
Jamie nods, wordlessly walking out with him. They find Sirius in the lobby, he’s immediately on her, gripping her shoulders asking what’s wrong. She says it’s nothing. He doesn’t believe her. He doesn’t have anything else to ask. There’s no evidence really. Not enough to talk about. They walk upstairs together. Jamie and Sirius take one of the beds, letting Regulus have his own. They don’t talk before bed like they would’ve. It’s strange, Jamie remains paralyzed for most of the night, staring over at the other bed, too afraid to move. Sirius rests just behind her back, pressing into her neck. He should’ve been with Remus. The only reason he’s not is because he was supposed to talk to Jamie all night. Giggling about whatever, it was supposed to be special, and now Jamie is just lying here.
Regulus turns around, his eyelashes fluttering, when they open Jamie is already looking at him. He doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t either.
There’s not really anything to say anyway.