Chapter 18
The next few days were absolutely dreadful. The word had spread that he was no longer associating with his mother and father, which meant everywhere he looked was some sort of story or article about how he had become the next disgrace of his family, following in his cousin and brother’s footsteps. At this point, even hearing his own name caused an instant migraine.
It didn’t help that James had insisted on staying at Sirius’ house in an attempt to be comforting. The thought of it sounds nice, but actually having it happen was incredibly overwhelming, especially when all Regulus wanted to do was hide in his room for the rest of his life. The overly sweet boy holding him every night did tend to help with nightmares, though, but that was the only time his company was fully appreciated. Not that Regulus would ever tell him that.
Sirius had also been incredibly clingy the past few days, and more than eager to talk shit about Walburga and Orion. What he didn’t understand is that Regulus truly did, and still does, love his parents, so these talks didn’t help the way he thought they did. It usually just left Regulus disappearing to the bathroom or his bedroom to cry as silently as possible for the next ten minutes. It didn’t help that most of these conversations were had while he was having his bandages on his more serious wounds changed, which left him actually trapped.
His parents had turned his phone off as soon as they heard that Regulus had run off, learning from reports of the guards when they went to collect him for the ‘camp.’ They had sent him over thirty texts telling him how he was no longer welcome. Of how he was absolute scum and deserved to be treated as such. Not a single goodbye before disconnecting him from them forever. That was rough.
Sirius got him a new phone, of course, more than happy to pay the bill for him. He didn’t have anyone’s numbers memorized, so he would have to wait to see his other friends in person before he could talk with any of them. He would rather speak to them in person when he’s ready, anyway, which is what he told Remus when he had offered to give his number to their group of friends.
The nightmares had been something else entirely. Their own level of shitty. They were a mixture of so many things, it often left him unable to sleep at all. The most common one was his parents sending a search out for him and him having to go back. Having to go to that ‘camp’ and be changed for the rest of his life. Never being able to be around his friends or his brother ever again. That one was much worse than the ones where he was beaten senseless.
Though this was likely the lowest he’s ever been in life, all of this had encouraged some amazing writing. On the nights he truly couldn’t get a single blink of slumber, he would snake out of James’ arms and quietly walk over to his desk, turning his lamp on and opening his notebook. He would write for hours, until the sun started peaking over the horizon and shining through the blinds on his window. He would always tell James that he had just woken up early, and he could tell that his lie wasn’t believed, but it wasn’t questioned.
Now, he sat on the couch, a warm cup of tea in his hands and a blanket covering his legs. His knees were scrunched up to his chest, a position he had always felt comfortable in. It helped soothe him. James sat on his right, Sirius on his left, and Remus at his father’s house. He was visiting and grabbing more clothes.
“So, Reg,” Sirius says quietly, clearly not wanting to distract too much from Glee. “As I’m sure you know, tomorrow is Christmas Eve.”
Regulus nods, his shoulders tensing up the slightest. The holidays were not something he wanted to think about, but he knew it was inevitable considering how many friends his brother had. “I’m aware.”
“Well, I’m having a few people over for the holiday. We’re doing it Christmas Eve, so everyone can be with their parents on Christmas day,” Sirius explains slowly, and Regulus winces the slightest bit but nods. He wished he desired to be with his parents on Christmas. “Are you going to be…okay with that?”
“I can’t tell you to not have your friends over for Christmas, Sirius,” Regulus huffs out, because he really wants to tell him not to. He wants to tell him that he’s not ready for that many people, but he’s not the one who pays for this apartment. “I’ll just stay in my room or something. I wouldn’t want to bring the mood down.”
“What? No, you don’t have to stay in your room,” Sirius says, placing a hand on one of Regulus’ knees. “If you want to, that’s fine, but you won’t be bringing down the mood. Everyone would love to see you, Reg.”
“Don’t feel pressured to make an appearance, though. No one will be angry at you for not being ready,” James says softly from his other side. Regulus looks over at him, looking into those hazel eyes that have been the most comforting thing the past few days.
“I’ll think about it,” Regulus nods before turning his attention back to the television. He will think about it, just not right now. He can’t think about it right now.
“Are you feeling–”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Regulus snapped out, truly not tolerating it today. Sirius snapped his mouth shut so quickly that his teeth audibly clanked against each other, and Regulus had to pretend to not notice.
***
“You never did tell me how it all happened,” James mumbles to Regulus as they lay in bed together. Regulus was tucked under the other boys’ arm, grabbing onto his bicep like his life depended on it. He was so warm.
Regulus hums in response, nuzzling his face into the warm skin by his face, inhaling his favorite scent. He plants a small kiss on James’ arm and keeps his lips there, happy to feel warm skin under his lips. He was so unbelievably comfortable.
“You don’t have to tell me, obviously. I don’t want you to feel forced to do anything,” James mumbles, and there’s something in his voice. Something that upsets Regulus in a way he can’t describe. So, with a soft sigh, he turns himself over, now facing the brown-skinned boy.
Regulus stares at him for a second, observing the highlighting features of his face. His eyes, his nose, his lips, his eyes. He gets lost in them constantly, obsessed with how much must be going on behind them. Obsessed with knowing what was going on in that beautiful head of his. He plants a soft kiss on his lips.
“You know by now that they found out about,” Regulus pauses, biting the inside of his cheek. James nods, silently saying he understands. “Well, apparently Snape had–”
“Oh, I’ll murder him with my bare hands,” James muttered and Regulus could feel the arms around him squeeze a little tighter. “I truly will.”
“Funny, Sirius offered the same thing,” Regulus stated, brushing a loose curl out of James’ face. “Anyway, they had planned on sending me…away. They never specified where, but they gave a general description.”
“I wouldn’t have let them,” James said, his eyebrows kneading together as his eyes flicked around Regulus’ features. He could only roll his eyes.
“You wouldn’t have known. No one would’ve, that was the whole point of me going over break,” Regulus shook his head, not fighting the frown that sprouted on his lips. “I’d like to think that they wouldn’t have been able to break me–that I’d be the same as I am now. I really don’t know, though. I think I would’ve at least pretended to have changed. I probably would’ve never spoken to you and Sirius again, and that would’ve been that. All of it would’ve been over.”
“You’ve thought about this a lot,” James moves his hand to cup Regulus’ jaw, and, god, he would purr if he could.
“Kind of impossible not to,” Regulus shrugs as much as he can in this position. Then, before he can process what’s happening, his face is flush against warm, bare skin.
“I’ll never let anyone take you away,” James mumbles, and his voice breaks, almost as if he’s about to cry. “I won’t, Regulus, really. You don’t have to worry or think about it ever again because it won’t happen.”
Regulus feels his eyes start to burn and shakes his head. “I was serious about having to kill you the next time I cried in front of you, Potter.”
James lets out a small laugh, the feeling of soft lips on Regulus’ head causing him to look up, trying his best to ignore the tears in his eyes. “You couldn’t live without me, love, let alone kill me.”
And he was right. He was so painfully correct. Regulus couldn’t live in a world without James, and it hurt to admit. What was he supposed to do when James inevitably ended up leaving him? Fuck, he’s crying.
“Hey, woah, I didn’t mean to make you upset,” James was quick to wipe Regulus’ tears away, the pad of his thumb swiping gently across his cheeks. “What’s wrong?”
Regulus shook his head, letting out a small sob, wrapping his arms tightly around the other boy’s torso. He feels hands make their way through his hair and he sighs at the relief that runs through his body as it shakes with too much emotion. This is a problem, because he was overly aware of just how much he liked James before. How much he liked him for a good portion of his life.
Now, though, they were in dangerous territory, because this thing they had, this thing that was meant to have zero real feeling attached to them, was blooming into something terrifying. Something there was no returning from. Something Regulus had yet to experience.
“Hey, you can tell me what’s wrong, Regulus,” James whispers, his voice so incredibly gentle. Regulus just sobs once more, inhaling the eucalyptus scent of James’ skin mixed with saltiness of his tears.
“Thank you for being here, James,” Regulus cried out, keeping his voice low so as to not alert his brother. “I can’t kill you. I couldn’t even hurt you, honestly. I couldn’t even imagine it.”
“I’m flattered,” James jokes, but there’s sincerity in his tone. He knows how rare it is for Regulus to express kind words aloud, especially when he’s as upset as he is. “How about we get some sleep, yeah?”
Regulus nods, not removing his head from the boy’s chest, nor his arms from his torso. He wants to know he’s there. He needs to be aware that he’s holding onto him and that he isn’t letting go. That’s all he needs.
He almost sleeps peacefully that night.