Chapter 19
The next day, Regulus wakes up by himself, feeling a strange chill run down his entire body. The blankets are pulled up to his chin and the other side of his bed is very absent. He kneads his eyebrows together. It wasn’t often that he was able to stay asleep while James slipped away from him. He must’ve been sleeping pretty deeply.
He slowly slides himself out from underneath the covers, raising his arms above his head and stretching. He was in his usual sleeping attire since coming to Sirius’; an oversized hoodie and pajama pants that always seemed to spill around his feet. It was nice and cozy for the ridiculously cold weather.
After sliding his feet into his slippers, he makes his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He had taken to showering at night, not wanting to upset anyone by using all the hot water, because standing under water so hot it burned for an hour was the only way he could shut his brain off completely. The last thing he wanted to be was a burden. Before closing the door, he hears voices speaking from another room, somewhat quietly. Odd.
After finishing his morning routine, he exits the bathroom, rubbing his eyes with balled fists, the lack of sleep from last night making them feel rather dry. He had been able to avoid his reflection in the mirror, but he knew that his dark circles were becoming his most obvious feature.
He walks through the hall of his brother’s apartment, reaching the kitchen and instantly moving for the espresso machine, making himself an iced vanilla latte. There really were benefits to having a stupidly rich brother. Especially when you’re addicted to caffeine.
“Reg, you’re awake?” His brother’s voice chimed from the living room.
“...No,” Regulus answered, filling his cup with ice. He hears a small laugh from Sirius. Then, he can hear his footsteps approaching. “Hello.”
“Hey, I didn’t expect you to even come out of your room today,” Sirius pats Regulus’ back, his voice somewhat cautious. Regulus hates it. He wasn’t planning on showing his face when the crowd of people came over, but he wasn’t going to hide in his room all day because of it.
“I wanted coffee,” Regulus answers simply, shrugging as he watches the espresso shot pour into the glass cup. “What time is everyone going to be here?”
Sirius lets out a small sigh. “Around five. Though, I never really know when people are going to show up.”
Regulus glances at the time on the oven, seeing that it was already a bit past ten. He really did sleep in. He turns back to where his espresso shot had finished being pulled, grabbing the oat milk and filling it nearly to the top before stirring the contents together. He grabs a straw out of the designated drawer and sticks it into the sweet latte before taking a sip.
“Do you think they all know?” He asks, keeping his voice low. “About me and James, anyway. I haven’t watched the news for a couple days so I don’t know what is and isn’t public knowledge.”
Sirius is quiet. So quiet, for so long, that Regulus looks up at him, only to be met with eyes filled with one pure, unmistakable emotion; pity. Regulus kneads his eyebrows together, tilting his head and taking another sip of his coffee. Has something really that awful happened?
“I won’t tell you how, but, uh, yeah,” Sirius nods. “I’m pretty sure everyone knows.”
And isn’t that terrible? Regulus isn’t stupid, and he can put the puzzle pieces together pretty quickly. Snape had gone to the media with his information, so quick to tell the public about the reason Regulus Black, the new heir of the Black family, had been very publicly disowned. Regulus can only hope that pictures weren’t provided and shown online, but knowing Severus…
Regulus clenches his jaw, huffing out a sharp breath of air. Of course everyone knows about everything. Why wouldn’t they? What part of his life was allowed to be private?
“Reg, hey, it’s okay,” Sirius grabbed the boy’s shoulder firmly, but not enough to hurt him. Just enough to apply some sort of pressure–to ground him. “No one cares, and no one would even think to bring it up here, especially in front of James, Remus, and I.”
“It’s not your friend group that I’m worried about, Sirius. I’m just so tired of my life being displayed to the public. I’m so sick of not being able to keep anything to myself–for me,” it takes everything in him not to cry. It’s nearly impossible, but he manages it.
“I know, Reg,” Sirius runs a hand through Regulus’ hair, and it soothes him the slightest. “I know, and I understand, trust me. Life’s about to get so much better, though. Everything is going to be fine.”
Regulus lets out a shaky sigh, taking another sip of his cold beverage in an attempt to rid of the lump in his throat. He nods. Everything’s going to be fine. Things will get better.
***
Later, Regulus is sitting in his room, headphones sitting snug on his ears as he listens to his playlist in an attempt to block out the upbeat music blasting from the living room. He had to turn the volume all the way up before he was able to stop hearing cheery laughter and excited voices.
Maybe that’s why he hadn’t been able to hear someone enter his room.
He had been reading a random book that he had plucked from Remus’ a short while ago; nothing quite memorable, but it achieved his goal of taking his mind off of things happening outside of his door. He felt a small tap on his shoulder and jumped so hard that he dropped the book on the floor, his headphones flying off his head. He swung his head around, going to send the person who interrupted his peace a death glare, but then he saw her.
“I’m sorry, Regulus, I didn’t mean to startle you,” her soft, melodic voice said gently, and Regulus could cry. It had been so long since he’d seen any of his friends besides Remus. He didn’t realize how much he had craved seeing even one of them.
“Panda, what are you doing here?” Regulus stood from his desk chair, not bothering to pick either of the items on the ground as he was pulled into a tight hug. She hadn’t even given him a chance to stand straight.
“I came with Lily. I figured you would be here, because Barty, Ev, and I went banging on Remus’ door the second we heard the news, and you weren’t there,” Pandora ran a hand up and down his back. “We were all scared to death.”
“I know, and I’m sorry,” Regulus responded, finally giving into the hug and relaxing a bit. Pandora, though, pulled away and looked up at him with a somewhat stern look in her eyes.
“Don’t you dare apologize, Regulus Black,” Pandora said in the fiercest way she could, and Regulus had to hold back his laughter. “Well, I figured you weren’t really ready for people, yet, but Lily invited me to this…thing, and I gathered your gifts from the boys. Mine’s here as well. I’ve left them under the tree for you to open in the morning.”
Suddenly, it wasn’t funny anymore. Suddenly, there was a strong pang in his chest, and he found it a little harder to breathe. He hadn’t even considered that anyone would get him a gift this year. He had gotten his friends gifts, but he hadn’t been able to grab them from the house without being weighed down. Now, he was empty-handed, and he had presents under the tree. How foul.
“Panda, I’m sorry I–”
“Stop saying that! We don’t expect anything from you, Reg, so you truly have nothing to be sorry for. Now, I’ve got to head home. I really just wanted to stop in and check on you. You can text us whenever you’re ready, okay?” Pandora put a hand on his upper arm, and her eyes grew sad. “Please eat something, yeah?”
Regulus nodded his head before being pulled into a much tighter hug. He didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around the girl this time. “Thank you, Panda. Tell them I said hi.”
“I will,” Pandora mumbled before pulling away with a small, soft smile. They both bid each other a silent goodbye, Regulus watching as Pandora walked out of the door, seeing a figure standing outside, likely waiting for her.
Regulus turned to pick up the book and his headphones from off the floor. He could feel the speakers of his headphones vibrating with whatever song was now playing from them. The music from the living room had died down, which Regulus assumed meant people had started leaving. It was better safe than sorry, though, so he put the book back on his shelf and turned off his headphones, moving to sit on his bed.
He hadn’t changed out of his pajamas, not seeing the point in doing so when he wasn’t making any sort of appearance for anyone outside of this apartment. Also, there was a strong lack of motivation to do much today, anyway, so why would he put on actual clothes? Seems like too much of a hassle.
It isn’t until about half an hour later that he decides it’s safe to stop zoning out and step into the kitchen. He doesn’t know how Pandora was able to tell that he didn’t have much of an appetite lately, but he did tell her that he would eat something. Something small will likely do.
Making his way to the kitchen, he can hear music still playing much quieter on the record player, his brother humming along smoothly as he scooped whatever garbage wasn’t cleaned up into a large trash bag. He had appeared to be trapped in his own world, and it was rare to see him actually cleaning, so Regulus didn’t bother him.
When he made it to the kitchen, he was met with James, who was turned toward the fridge, appearing to be putting food and drinks away, also humming to the music and slightly moving his body along to the rhythm. Regulus just bit back a smile, leaning against the wall and watching the way the red and white pointed hat placed on top of loose curls was struggling to stay on.
It was another minute before James turned away from the fridge to grab more food off of the counter, finally noticing Regulus and letting out a small yell, placing a hand over his chest and bending over the slightest. Regulus couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled up in his chest.
“Regulus, love, you scared me,” James let out a winded chuckle, looking over at Regulus with a large grin painted on his face. It should be illegal. “I was going to come and see you later.”
Regulus hums in response, warmth spreading through his chest as he walks closer to James, making it a point to jokingly push past him and look at the different types of food on display. It was obvious that Peter had been very excited to bake things for the party, seeing as most of the food consisted of tarts and sweets.
Regulus feels warm hands snake around his waist and a comforting weight lean in close against his back. He doesn’t stop himself from covering James’ hands with his own. Eating can wait a second, can’t it?
“I missed you tonight,” James murmured into the nape of Regulus’ neck between soft, innocent kisses.
“Did you?” Regulus asked, his voice faltering the slightest, and his eyes fluttering closed. He was going crazy. Insane, even.
“I did. Nothing’s fun when you’re not around,” James says, seemingly unknowing of the effect he had on Regulus’ heart right now, the stutter causing him to go quiet for a moment. “I’ve left your gift under the tree. You can open it tomorrow morning.”
“You won’t be here, though,” Regulus kneaded his eyebrows together, twisting his head to look at James as much as possible in their current position. “Why would I open your gift without you being here?”
“If you’d rather open it now, I’m not protesting,” James shrugs, planting a kiss on Regulus’ cheek before relaxing his chin on one of his shoulders. The world may never know how James Potter is constantly warm.
“If I open your present now, then I must open all of my presents right now,” Regulus smirks to himself as he faces forward again, pretending to be looking for something to eat. He was more interested in the boy behind him now, who let out a small laugh.
“What kind of rule is that?” James asks, a few strands of hair tickling the side of Regulus’ face.
“A sane one. Why just open one present then wait for the rest tomorrow? What’s the point in that?” Regulus closes the fridge door, turning to face James, who doesn’t take his hands away from his waist.
“What would Santa say, Reg?” James lifts one eyebrow and Regulus suddenly feels the need to kiss him. So he does. What else would he do?
It’s not an innocent kiss, he’ll admit. He had no intention of even disguising it as one. It’s immediate tongues and teeth and rough and perfect. God, it’s so so perfect. James Potter is so incredibly perfect.
The fact that James got Regulus anything for Christmas is astonishing to him, because what they have, what the beautiful boy gives him, though not official, is the only thing Regulus could ask for. It’s the only thing he really would need for the rest of his life. That’s what it feels like, anyway.
“Okay, Reg,” James pulls away, a broad grin stretched across his face. Regulus has his face in his hands now and gives him a few more pecks on that perfect smile of his. “Reg, don’t you want to open your gift?”
“Oh, but what would Santa say?” Regulus asks, observing James’ swollen lips. He runs the pad of his thumb over the bottom one, wiping off some of the saliva. He wrinkles his nose a little at that.
“That you’re going straight on the naughty list,” James’ smile grows even larger somehow and Regulus scoffs, shoving him aside and walking past him, unable to hide his own smile. Probably his first genuine smile in the past week.
He makes his way to the living room, where Sirius is now sitting on the couch, the rubbish bag he was holding now sitting on the floor. He appeared to be looking through photos he had taken of everyone while they were here, likely deciding which ones to post.
Regulus, who has always hated the feeling of being the center of attention, began looking under the brightly lit tree for anything with his name on it. Unfortunately, there were more than he had expected. About ten to be exact, though he couldn’t imagine why he had that many presents. He had planned to scoop two or three up and bring them to his room to unwrap. The guilt of not being able to give his friends their presents hit him once more.
“What are you doing, Reg?” Sirius asks, his voice the slightest bit curious. It still made Regulus jump, because he felt like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have. A lump in his throat formed as he turned to his brother, who was giving him a strange look.
“Well, James said he had gotten me a gift, so I wanted to open it before he left. I hadn’t realized I had received so many,” Regulus said, his voice a little shaky. He knew his brother wouldn’t yell at him. Not for something so silly.
The fear didn’t disappear, though.
“Oh, yeah, you can open them if you want,” Sirius sends him a small smile. “I got you a few because I couldn’t decide.”
“I’ll kill you for that,” Regulus sends him a small glare. James stepped into the living room, a smile still on his face.
“You’re welcome,” Sirius grins. Regulus rolls his eyes, standing still. He never really opened presents in front of people, and he was quickly learning that it was incredibly uncomfortable.
“Go on, then,” James nodded toward the small stack, a few wrapped in the same paper, but most of them being very different.
“Is it okay if I open them in my room?” Regulus asks, his voice quieter than he intended.
“You could open them on top of Buckingham Palace if you wanted to. I don’t take offense,” Sirius let out a small laugh.
“I’d rather you open mine away from your brother, anyway,” James states, getting a pillow thrown at him by Sirius. He catches it without even looking, and Regulus feels his jaw go a little slack.
“How the fuck–?”
“Okay, let’s go open your gift before your brother kills me for making a joke!” James exclaims scooping up a small gift that just has a heart drawn on the paper. He grabs Regulus’ hand and drags him through the halls, angry murmurs from Sirius audible until they close the door.
“It’s not actually anything gross, right?” Regulus crinkles his nose at the thought. James lets out a laugh and kisses the tip of his nose, the wrinkles relaxing and going away.
“Of course not, but we can’t let him know that,” James smiles, holding the gift in his right hand in front of Regulus, urging him to take it. He does.
Slowly, he unwraps it, and reveals a small velvet box. Now, Regulus is a man of reason, and he knows that this is not what his mind immediately jumps to, but he can’t stop the small hop his heart and stomach do at the same time. He glances up at James, who only gives him an encouraging look.
Regulus opens the box, and laying inside is a golden-chained necklace, with a tear-drop shaped ruby as the center-piece. Regulus’ eyes widened, because he couldn’t imagine how expensive it was. He looks up at James, a completely different look in his eyes. James bites his lip, smiling as he reaches into the collar of his shirt and pulls out a silver chain with an emerald sitting pretty in the center. His eyes widened even more.
Emeralds were Regulus’ favorite gems because of the beautiful, deep green color they have. And silver was not a color that James wore often, clashing with the small golden hoops in his earlobes. Oh, this was another very perfect thing that James had just done.
“I know you don’t wear gold very much, but I thought it would be a cute thing for us to do. Like, I wear your favorite gem, you wear mine. It’s honestly kind of stupid and if you’d want to switch, we–”
“We’re boyfriends,” Regulus blurts unwillingly, his eyes still wide and his heart beating rapidly against his chest. He might have a heart attack.
“What?” James responds after a second. Regulus felt his face flush and he looked back down at the necklace. “Reg, what did you say?”
“We’re boyfriends,” Reg says much quieter this time. “You and me, we’re boyfriends. Unless you don’t want to be boyfriends. I’ve never really done this sort of thing, so I don’t know how it’s meant to go. I just know that I really want to be your boyfriend.”
Regulus can’t take his eyes off of the deep red of the ruby, his face getting hotter and hotter by the second. He wants to melt into the ground, because as time passes, it becomes blatantly obvious that James is no longer interested in a relationship. He must’ve gotten used to their situation. Perhaps that’s all he really wanted.
He feels hands cup his face, gently forcing him to gaze into soft hazel eyes. He knows what comes next, and he feels his stomach drop. He had never properly asked someone out before because he’d never been able to date anyone he’s been interested in before. Now, he’s gone and mucked everything up. He wants to dissolve right then and there, the embarrassment hitting him so hard he feels a bit nauseous.
“If you’re going to reject me, just do it, please,” Regulus feels his eyes water the slightest, and James is quick to furrow his eyebrows.
“Reject you? Why the hell would I ever reject you?” James sounds completely and utterly offended. “Regulus, love, you have no idea how badly I’ve wanted this. I’m just in shock that you want this. I mean, after all that’s happened–”
“Everyone knows, anyway. It’s blasted everywhere. There’s no point in keeping it secret now,” Regulus shrugs, still not able to tell if James wants this. He still hasn’t said yes. Why hasn’t he said yes? “Are you…embarrassed?”
“Embarrassed?! I could never be embarrassed of you, amor,” James ran the pad of his thumb up and down Regulus’ cheekbone. “I just want to make sure this is something you want.”
“I’ve wanted it for so long it hurts, James,” Regulus sniffled, succeeding in keeping tears off of his face. “Like, for years.”
“Years?” James’ eyes widened. “You’ve liked me for years?”
Regulus let out a small laugh at that, because to everyone else it had been so obvious. He had gotten teased by his friends and his brother for a good portion of his life because of it. Of course, though, James hadn’t noticed. He was enamored with someone else for most of it, and by the time he was over here, Regulus was much better at hiding his emotions.
James reached into his back pocket, earning a curious look. Regulus watched his hand, waiting to see what he grabbed, and had to hold back laughter when a small piece of artificial mistletoe appeared in his palm.
“You’re ridiculous, Jamie,” Regulus grabs the boy’s face, pulling him in for a much sweeter kiss than the last. A kiss that lingers for a few seconds. He looks up at him, hazel eyes sparkling. “Boyfriends, then?”
“Yeah, Reg, boyfriends. Now, please, kiss me again.”