Summer is dull. I wake up, get ready for the day, read, write notes, garden with my parents, and go to sleep. Sometimes I cry before I fall asleep.
I think about Draco and Theo. My thoughts constantly drift to them. To what they are doing, what they are thinking about, and how they are. Are they off at parties? Are they studying the upcoming years' topics? Are they thinking about me at all? Are they doing ok?
I try to snap myself out of it but my list of people to think about is quite short. I realize that I consider them my friends. I think they are the only people I consider my friends, which is sad considering we barely talk and when we do, it is related to schoolwork.
They haven’t written to me. I’m not sure why I got my hopes up that they would. I am a muggle-born who they study with. I’m not even sure how they would get my address. Still, when I am near the window, I listen closely for the flap of owl wings.
No owl comes.
I am sad, lonely, and bored by the time summer is done. I am not even sure I am excited to go back to Hogwarts but at least it is a change of scenery. I say goodbye to my parents and I can feel the pity in their gaze. They can clearly see that I am lonely but they can’t do anything about it.
I wonder if they will miss me.
I arrive at the station and I try not to make it obvious that I am looking for Draco and Theo. I search the station for the bright white hair and the curly brown hair that sits upon the heads of my only potential friends. I give up looking when I don’t see them on the platform. I quietly move onto the train, looking for a compartment to myself. I snag the nearest one and close the door. Only a few seconds pass before the door to my compartment opens and before I can tell the person opening the door that I want to sit alone, Draco and Theo walk through the door and sit right across from me. I try to hide the shock on my face as they settle in, sitting close together. I wonder why my heart is racing in their presence. They murmur quietly among themselves. I sigh, bored and frustrated that I thought they would potentially talk to me.
I almost jump out of my skin as the train starts and Theo says,
“How was your summer, Granger?”
I look up in surprise, trying not to stutter out an answer. “It was fine, how was yours?”
Draco answers first, calculated in his answer, “It was ok, we were forced to go to far too many events and spent most of our time trying to get out of them”
“And then we got dragged back to the events after we got of,” Theo says with a smile. I find myself smiling in response, something I’ve barely done all summer.
“Sounds like an adventure,” I say.
We sit in comfortable silence for the rest of the ride.
We end up sitting on opposite ends of the Great Hall. Them, looking at home with their friends, Me, all alone at the end. I catch Theo’s eye and he sends me a small smile. I feel a little bit better but the loneliness is starting to wrap its cold arms around me. The hole in my heart aches as I watch Draco and Theo laugh with their friends, Harry and Ron conversing with the other house members and everyone else having a great time. I look down at my plate, all of a sudden not hungry. I wait quietly until we are allowed to leave and walk slowly up to my dorm. It is the same as last year and I slowly unpack my stuff. It is easy to ignore the commotion around me when I know none of them are talking to me. I settle into bed that night and all I can focus on is Theo and Draco, my only possible friends.
I wake up with tear tracks on my cheeks and I feel like a zombie. Most of the excitement for classes disappears when I walk into class to see everyone sitting by their friends. The lack of companionship drains my energy as I make my way up to the front alone. I pay attention in class but in the back of my mind, all I think about is being alone. Being the only one sitting without a partner. I am cold, my body signaling that this loneliness is not only affecting me emotionally but also physically. At lunch, I barely eat, choosing to read my book instead, diving into the world of romance and friendship instead of focusing on the reality of my life. My stomach grumbles but I ignore it. I don’t deserve to eat. Maybe if I am skinnier, people will like me more.
This continues for the first two weeks. Attending classes, doing schoolwork, reading books that tell of the world of friendship and occasionally romance, and pretending that I was living their life. I continue not to eat much and I barely sleep.
I am lost in my book at dinner when I feel someone looking at me. I look up to see Draco and Theo standing there. They haven’t talked to me since the beginning of the year and I have missed their small amount of company so much. Theo sits down first before Draco follows. Draco looks disgusted as he sits at the Gryffindor table. “Eat,” Draco says bluntly, piling up a plate of my favorites and pushing it toward me. I push it away a little bit and mutter “I’m not hungry” I look down at my lap. Theo takes a softer approach. “Granger, please eat, you need food,” He says. I look up at him. There is pity in his eyes and I burn with shame. I slowly pick up a fork and eat some mashed potatoes to make him happy. I look up to see if he approves and they are gone. I look over and see that they are back at the Slytherin table, chatting with their friends like they never came over to me. The color drains out of my face and I feel tears coming to my eyes. They pitied me and then left.
I leave the Great Hall with tears dripping down my face.
As I fall asleep, I wonder ‘Did I imagine them? Did I imagine them trying to help me? Am I that desperate?’ My heart aches as I fall asleep.
I don’t attend breakfast the next day. It isn’t worth it.
I feel their eyes on me in the hallway, and in class. I feel stalked but it is nice to have some attention on me for once. I eat very little at the meals that I do attend, enough to get rid of the gnawing feeling in my stomach. I miss our study nights in the library and after a few weeks alone, I find myself moving tables just to get away from the good memories turned sour.
It is mid-October when they join me to study for the first time in forever. They must have sought me out to find me in the back corner of the library but nonetheless, they found me. They stare at me as I study as if they are analyzing me.
Draco is the first who speaks, always the blunt one, “Why don’t you eat?” He says. “I do eat, whatever do you mean?” I quip back. “You know what I mean Granger” He grits out.
I stay silent, continuing to work on my paper because of course I know what he means but it isn’t his business.
They stare at me for a while before Theo speaks, “Will you please eat a little more at meal times?” I glance up at him, looking at the pity in his eyes.
I am sick of being pitied. I don’t want to be pitied, I want to have friends.
I focus back on my work. Theo sighs in defeat before taking out his books to start studying. Draco follows.
The companionship is rejuvenating.
I eat breakfast the next morning. A full breakfast. I will myself not look to see if Theo approves. I shouldn’t be seeking his approval.
They join me for late-night studying again.
This goes on for weeks, the more they hang out with me, the more I eat.
I am finally up to eating two whole meals a day when I realize I am gaining weight. I stare at myself in the mirror one night, poking and prodding at the fat on my belly. I wonder if anyone will like me with the extra weight on me.
The only reason I continue to eat is so the boys hang out with me.
As the holidays and finals start approaching, we are all busy and they hang out with me less and less.
I eat less and less as their companionship decreases. The ache in my stomach returns and the loneliness in my heart grows.
By the time it is time to leave for Christmas, I have slipped into a small depressive state. Finals go well but that doesn’t matter. The loneliness is distracting and I find myself longing for Draco and Theo's presence. I glance at them during meals and see how happy they look.
They board the train home without saying goodbye to me.
I try to pretend it doesn’t hurt.
I spend all of the holiday break trying to convince myself I don’t need anyone.
That all goes out the window as soon as I have to sit alone on the train back to Hogwarts. My eyes are brimming with tears by the time I get back to my dorm. No one has said a word to me since I got back and I feel invisible. I crawl into bed and wonder what is wrong with me.
I decide to tackle the extra weight I have gained. Mom told me that I was growing when I was back for Christmas. I want to stop growing.
I stop eating again. The boys aren’t hanging out with me so they aren’t commenting on it. Three weeks go by and I am starting to be able to see my ribs. I critique every bit of my figure, calculating what I need to change to make myself enough for someone to want me.
The lack of food gets to me. Sometimes when I am studying, my brain gets foggy and I become unfocused but I always snap back. I always make sure everything is done and I am excelling in my classes.
In March, Theo joins me at my study table. I am zoning out, stuck in my head when he sits down, shocking me out of my daze. I don’t even know what to say to him. After three months of no contact, he shows up. I stare at him, wondering if I’m now skinny enough for him. If I have become pretty enough to be seen around.
I wonder where Draco is.
Theo visits me once a week and it doesn’t really help my loneliness. I am always on edge now, wondering if he will show up. Wondering if Draco will join as well. Theo never says anything. He just studies in silence with me.
It is April 14th when I faint in the hallway after potions. I remember swaying a bit and then opening my eyes to see the ceiling; I close my eyes as someone picks me up and I curl into them on instinct. I crave being cared for so badly. Maybe this person who is carrying me will want me.
I wake up to see the ceiling of the hospital ward with a bad taste in my mouth. I turn to see Madam Promfrey standing next to my bed looking a bit pale.
“Hermione, do you remember what happened?” She says quietly. “I fainted,” I say as I start to sit up. She guides me back to lying down. “You were so malnourished that your body wouldn’t keep you upright,” She says, with a bit of a stern tone. “You are smarter than this Hermione” She sighs out. I know I am but she doesn’t understand the loneliness that has plagued me. “I know” I mutter quietly. “You will now be on a strict regimen of nutrition potions and hydrating potions. We have to get your body back to stable” She says matter of factly. I nod numbly and close my eyes. I am so tired of feeling horrible.
I slowly get up and as I walk out of the hospital ward with my bag full of potions, I see Theo in the hallway looking worried. He scans my body with his eyes before sighing a breath of relief. I almost think that he is going to say something but instead, he turns his back on me and leaves.
My stomach drops. He left. He left me.
I walk slowly back to the Gryffindor Common room.
No one asks if I am ok.
I choke down a nutrition potion, knowing it will make me gain weight and I contemplate throwing it up.
Instead, I go to sleep crying.
I feel like a ghost of myself as the school year finishes up. No one notices me as I go through the hallways. No one talks to me at meals. No one studies with me.
Sometimes I wonder if I died when I fainted but then I remember Theo seeing me after I got out of the hospital ward.
I remember Theo and I wish I had died when I fainted.
Theo and Draco haven’t come around since I started gaining weight again. I wonder if that is the reason.
As I board the train to home, I glance back and see them talking. I desperately wish they would be friends with me. That they would want me.
I wish they would want me.