It's Just Sex... I Think?
Remus had never thought much about his sexuality. He had always just chosen whoever and whatever felt right. In Year 7 he made out with Catherine Green behind the willow in their schoolyard. Then he thought about that in the shower for the next 3 years. In the summer before Year 12 he met an American guy outside a party. He asked him for a light and the next thing he knew he was on his knees in the bathroom. The rest of the summer followed a similar pattern until the American bloke had to return home from his visit with his aunt. One thing he did know and thought about quite a lot was that if his dad ever found out about the American bloke he would never have been invited back into the house ever again. So Remus played his part, and once he was in Uni and his father rang him he changed Charlie to Charlotte and George to Georgia and occasionally he wouldn’t have to change a name.
Sirius Black seemed to be the exact opposite. He thought endlessly about his sexuality. He spent 7 minutes in heaven with Emma Davies and found the awkward fumbling completely unappetizing. In Year 12 he seemed to gain a sudden interest in an exchange student named Alejandro. After this realization Sirius went and shagged 5 girls. He had spent the majority of the time with his eyes closed, but he seemed to manage just fine. The girls had seemed to enjoy it at least. One thing that was similar between the two’s experiences was the fact that Sirius knew if his parents ever found out he would never be invited back to the house. While he didn’t have much issue with that in particular, he still had nightmares of his mother finding out about how he felt about Alejandro. Which was nothing. He felt nothing. Because according to everyone else, he was straight.
~~~~~~
Remus thought back on his school years as he walked down the street towards work. His father had found out years ago when Remus slipped up on a call and decided to tell him the truth. Even though Remus had been allowed back (entirely thanks to Hope), after one visit he had concluded that it wasn’t a good idea to consider that a home anymore. He had moved to London soon after, and while he called his mother every now and then he hadn’t been home or spoken to his father in years.
He was 25 now and all he had was a studio apartment with black mold, useless talent, and two shitty jobs. As he approached the bar he sighed and thought, “I really need to quit,” and that was all he thought about as he clocked in and took his spot behind the bar. Just what he needed after a full day of work! More work! He went about his shift pouring drinks and mindlessly flirting so he would get bigger tips. He winked at groups of drunk girls and did shots with men, and the only thought that crossed his mind was, “I really need to quit.”
That was until he saw Sirius Black walk in. His mind snapped out of its daze as he locked eyes with the most attractive man he had ever seen. He had chin length jet black hair that seemed to cascade down his shoulders, a jawline that could cut glass, and a look about him that made Remus want more. And dear god, his eyes. Grey. A striking grey that felt like a lightning bolt had shocked him when he met them with his own. So Remus stood there, dumbfounded and feeling like he had been struck by lightning as a grin spread across the man's face and he started walking over. All thoughts of quitting were gone, and all Remus could think was “shit, shit, shit,” as he broke eye contact and started to furiously wipe down the bar.
“Holy shit, what did the bar ever do to you,” the man laughed as he approached Remus. God. Even his laugh made Remus’ knees weak.
What happened next Remus should’ve called, but he couldn’t call anything because all he could think or say was “Shit.”
The man cocked his head to the side giving Remus a questioning stare which sent Remus’ head into a further flurry of confusion and attraction. As he processed what had happened he panicked even further.
“Shit, sorry. I was so distracted by you. I mean… erm,” and as he continued to blab and look like an absolute fool the beautiful man started to laugh. It was an affectionate laugh, and it was clear he found Remus’ floundering endearing.
“My name is Sirius,” he said, and stuck out his hand. Remus gave him a soft smile and shook it, suddenly being able to speak normally again.
~~~~~~~~
The next 2 weeks were better than he could’ve ever imagined. Suddenly he didn’t mind the mold in his apartment or either of his shitty jobs. He had taken Sirius home that night after his shift and they put Remus’ bed to work. To put it bluntly, the sex was amazing. In all honesty though, everything was amazing with Sirius. They talked for hours and when they ran out of things to talk about they sat in silence and enjoyed each other's company. Remus woke up holding Sirius, he went about his day looking forward to seeing Sirius, and he fell asleep at night with Sirius. Sirius didn’t mind his shitty apartment, he didn’t mind Remus’ inability to say how he felt, and he didn’t ask about his scars and didn’t seem to have a weird kink for them either. All of that, and the sex was amazing. Remus was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He thought about this (per usual) as he walked to work. He had woken up that morning to an empty bed and a note from Sirius that he had to go back to his house and that his roommate was getting concerned. As he thought about the night before he felt a grin spread over his face. They stayed up and watched Mamma Mia. Sirius sang all of the songs to Remus as they came on. It was a pretty domestic scene… until about halfway through the movie when Sirius had gotten up and started to dance. Remus was done watching the movie after that. As he walked into his office Lily gave him a shit-eating grin, “Where’s Remus and what have you done with him.”
“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” Remus said, trying to fight off his grin.
“Please,” she said as she rolled her eyes, “You’ve come in every day this week with a giant lovestruck smile on your face.”
“I don’t know what smile you’re referring to,” he said and poured coffee from the office coffee pot into a mug.
“The one right there,” she replied as she poked his face. He swatted away her hand, but he couldn’t help but laugh.
“See, that! You laughed, sad corporate Remus doesn’t laugh.” Remus just sighed and shook his head as he started towards his cubicle. Lily was too fast though, she quickly ran around him and stopped him dead in his tracks.
“Remus Lupin you are going to give me details and you’re going to give them to me now.” He thought about how mom-like she sounded, but he knew she wasn’t going anywhere so he leaned against the counter.
“So… there’s this guy,” he said and Lily shrieked and slapped his arm. “I knew it!”
“I’ll only tell you more if you stop hitting me,” he said and swatted her away.
“Okay, okay I’ll be good… What’s he like?”
Remus couldn’t help but smile and Lily yelped. “He’s just… amazing. I mean he’s just so unapologetically him. He’s always laughing and smiling and he sings along to Mamma Mia and is just so confident,” as he continued he felt his smile grow and he saw Lily’s face soften, “I mean he’s hot don’t get me wrong, but he doesn’t just know he’s hot, he’s confident because that’s who he is not because of how he looks. He is hot though, he’s got this paw print tattoo right on his bicep. He doesn’t mind my shitty apartment and shitty behavior and I can just never imagine being uncomfortable with him. Oh, and the sex is incredible.”
“That’s always a bonus,” Lily smiled, “so is he your boyfriend?”
Remus laughed. Loudly. “No, that’s hilarious.”
Lily frowned at this, “why not?”
“Well that’s not quite what it is,” he started but was cut off.
“What do you mean? You said he sang along to Mamma Mia. Watching Mamma Mia together doesn’t really fall under fuck buddy,” she said.
“Well it does if you don’t finish it…” he replied.
She frowned again, “Remus. I’ve never seen you this happy. Do you really want this to just be a one off? Clearly you’re connecting emotionally, that isn’t just sex.”
He hadn’t really thought about this. It seemed pretty clear that they were just shagging, but now that Lily was saying otherwise he was thinking she might’ve been right. Sirius was amazing, but Remus didn’t really do relationships. They hadn’t talked about it, but was that what Sirius wanted? Was he going to bring it up? And was that even what Remus wanted? I mean if it was with anyone it would be with Sirius, but Remus wasn’t sure if he wanted that.
“You don’t have to decide right now, but you can let yourself be happy Remus,” Lily spoke and she squeezed his hand.
“I really do think it’s just sex right now though,” and as she gave him a pitying smile that’s when their boss walked in.
“What’s just sex?” Fenrir asked as he walked in. ‘Motherfucker,’ Remus thought.
“Oh nothing,” he said through gritted teeth.
Fenrir laughed, “Sex isn’t nothing Remus.”
“It’s just a girl I met at a bar, nothing important,” and Remus took a sip out of his mug trying to steady his shaking hands.
“I thought you didn’t swing that way,” Fenrir inquired and he maneuvered past them towards the coffee pot.
“I guess you thought wrong,” Remus said and plastered on a smile as best he could as Fenrir looked up at him. His eyes had gone dark.
“Watch your tone Remus,” and with that, he walked out.
“He’s so gross,” Lily murmured under her breath.
“Yeah,” Remus said, trying to calm his shaking hands
“You need to report him to HR for harassment, just because he hasn’t touched you doesn’t mean it’s in your head,” Lily said, taking his hands in his own to try and steady his shaking
“Yeah, and I’ll get fired immediately. They know I’m not rich enough to sue, and I need the money from the job. I’ll just stick it out,” he said and gave Lily a weak smile. She didn’t seem convinced by it.
“At least think about what I said about Dog Tattoo Boy,” she said as she dropped his hands and walked away.
“Well, shit,” Remus thought.
~~~~~~~
“Where the fuck have you been Sirius, you’ve barely been home. I’ve been worried sick,” James said as he saw Sirius walk through the door. He would’ve kept on going if he hadn’t seen the look on Sirius’ face.
“Wipe that grin off your face, this isn’t funny,” James said like an angry mother. Then, he seemed to process what was happening, “Fuck Sirius, you of all people? Mate we cannot lose you to a girl, for the sake of the band you cannot get a girlfriend. Do you remember what happened when Peter started dating Milly? We can’t survive that again.”
Sirius frowned. He had gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing. He had admitted to himself he was gay long ago, but the moment he had his awakening he realized he couldn’t let anyone ever know. Call him a product of his upbringing. He might punch you for it, but you could try and make the argument.
Sirius didn’t really get into serious relationships. He kept enough girls on his phone to keep James and Peter from trying to set him up, and sometimes he brought one of them back to the house to sell it. Whenever he got bored with girls he went out and shagged a bloke to get it out of his system, then he went back to being straight the next day. It wasn’t the kindest way to manage his situation, but he tried not to lose too much sleep over it.
Now he had an issue. I mean, Remus was really something. Sirius had practically tripped over himself trying to introduce himself that night in the bar, the moment he saw him Sirius felt like he had been struck by lightning. Remus had beautiful amber eyes that felt like you were swimming through honey. He had such a foul mouth and it made Sirius want to kiss him until he couldn’t breathe. No matter how much Sirius had revealed about himself Remus looked at Sirius with pure admiration in his eyes, and Sirius never wanted him to stop looking at him like that.
But. He couldn’t tell James he was seeing a bloke and he couldn’t just stop seeing Remus.
“You’re not going to lose me to a girl, I’m not seeing a girl,” and for a moment Sirius thought he might say it. He knew he wouldn’t though.
James laughed at him, “The look on your face begs to differ.” Sirius looked down as he felt his face get hot. “You can’t keep missing practice, mate. You seem happy, but you have to come up for air every once in a while and let me know you’re alive," James said, shaking his head. Sirius sat down next to him on their sofa.
“I know James. I’m sorry. I promise you I didn’t get into any white vans and take any candy from random strangers,” he said with a grin and clapped James on the back. James let out a laugh and Sirius sighed with relief. He knew James was worried, but the only way to avoid a motherly lecture was to apologize and crack a joke. He was sorry he had worried him, though.
“Okay. So tell me about her,” James said.
Sirius froze, he hadn’t thought this far. “I mean… there’s not much to say.”
James rolled his eyes, “Yeah, nice try. I’ve barely seen you for 2 weeks and you walked in beaming. Now isn’t the time to start being secretive.”
Sirius swallowed hard, “Well I think it’s just sex.”
James roared with laughter, “Yeah, sure mate. You look like 11 year old me when I laid eyes on Lily.”
Sirius frowned, “I’m not sure actually. I mean she’s great,” he paused a little before he said she. James didn’t seem to notice so he continued, “but it’s just a bit of fun right now. It doesn’t feel like it’ll ever be real. I’m not even sure if that’s what I want.”
“Sirius. You’ll never know if you don’t try. Clearly you’re happy, let yourself try and be in a real relationship for once in your life.” James said it like it was the simplest thing in the world, and Sirius wished it was.
Sirius gave him a tight smile, “Sure mate, I’ll think about it. Right now I’m dead tired though, I’ll sleep until practice if that’s alright.”
James clearly wanted to say more but he seemed to think better of it, “Yeah of course, I doubt you did much sleeping,” he said with a grin. Sirius rolled his eyes and started towards his room. James yelled behind him, “but you know I’m waking you up right at 3. I’m not kidding around with practice, we’re behind.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said over his shoulder as he walked to his room. He really was tired. As he fell asleep he thought about Remus, it was always easier to sleep with him. He wasn’t sure if they could ever be official, but that was kind of what they were working towards wasn’t it? If he wanted to do whatever they were doing for much longer he needed to tell him he was closeted... correction, deeply closeted. If that didn’t scare him off he didn’t know what would. He didn’t want to scare him off. He was fine with his one-offs before, but he couldn’t imagine not having Remus around him anymore. At the same time, it was odd to imagine Remus fitting into other parts of Sirius’s life. At some point he was going to have to tell James or he was going to have to lose Remus. He wasn’t excited at either prospect. He didn’t have to decide right now though, did he? And with that last thought, he fell asleep.