Zoe was not paying attention to whatever Ms Bustier was explaining at the front of the class. She was too busy staring bullets at Marinette, who was sitting two rows in front of her. It was a miracle Marinette’s head did not burst into flames under the heat of Zoe’s glare.
Three months ago, Zoe loved Marinette.
A month ago, Zoe yearned for Marinette.
A week ago, Zoe tolerated Marinette.
But today, oh how Zoe loathed her.
Looking at Marinette’s face fills Zoe’s heart with sadness and sorrow. A single glance at her shoots a piercing, cold dart of dread right through Zoe’s poor heart.
Zoe watched as Alya whispered something to Marinette, and she watched as Marinette smiled and laughed. Zoe’s shattered heart cracks into another painful shard, which she hadn’t even thought possible.
Marinette’s smiles used to be the light in Zoe’s life. So bright and happy and beautiful. Zoe used to relish the happiness of being the one to make Marinette smile so bright and lovely. Even when they started to drift apart and Zoe was no longer the cause of Marinette’s smiles at least she could be there when their friends made her beam with joy. Now, watching Marinette smile was one of the worst pains Zoe had felt, because now she had to watch from a distance.
The sound of the bell ringing snapped Zoe out of her thoughts. She picked up her backpack from the floor and packed away her books. She tossed the bag over her shoulder and looked up to find Marinette staring at her.
This was something Marinette did often after they broke up. Zoe held her gaze because these moments were the only times when she could look into Marinette’s mesmerizing blue eyes. Marinette would hold her gaze like she always did. Usually, Zoe hated eye contact. She found it awkward and uncomfortable. However, she would stare back at Marinette for as long as Marinette would let her. Her eyes would say a million different things across the room. Hatred, betrayal, love, loss, a lifetime. It was all unspoken words between them. All said in a simple gaze.
Marinette looked away first, of course, as she always did.
Pussy.
Zoe absolutely hated her.
♥
The bell for the last class just rang and Zoe left the room feeling as empty as she ever did.
She walked the halls with her shoulders sagged and her head down as she walked past her old friend group. The group consisted of Marinette, Alya, Juleka, Rose, Mylene, and Alix.
Fucking Alix. Zoe hated her the most, after Marinette, of course. Alix became Zoe’s first friend when she moved to Paris. She met Alix while going through a hard time in her life, and they grew close very quickly.
Alix was her best friend and someone she considered very special in her life. They spend every day at school together and every weekend outside of school too. They shared everything except for Zoe’s sexuality. Zoe didn’t think she would understand. But it didn’t bother her, Alix was like a sister to Zoe. Months after they became friends, they met the rest of the girls and formed a friend group. Although Zoe and Alix remained a close duo, which is why it hurt all the more when she sided with the rest of the girls. She just followed them blindly and cut Zoe off.
They hadn’t spoken since.
Zoe ignored the stinging in her eyes as she rushed home.
She arrived at Le Grand Paris hotel and ignored her half-sister bitching to her father as she focused on rushing to her room.
She slammed the door closed and threw her bag on the floor before kicking off her shoes and dramatically flopping back onto her bed. She’d been itching to get home ever since stepping into school. Despite being back home and in the comfort of her one room, she unfortunately felt anything but comfort.
Her mind was reeling with thoughts of Marinette. It seemed to be the only thing she would think of these past few days. It was honestly nauseating.
As much as she tried to distract herself, she could never get her mind off of the blue-eyed girl. So eventually, she gave up and decided to let her mind wander. She shut her eyes and she was teleported back to a time when she was happier.
It was a Friday night, and Marinette was lying in bed next to her. She listened as Marinette went on about her day. Zoe loved listening to her talk; she loved studying her face as she talked. Marinette was so beautiful it made her heartache. It was nights like this when Zoe was happy to be in Paris. When she was happy to be alive. Nothing about their relationship felt wrong. Everything felt right. She was happy. Marinette made her happy.
However, when the nights got more intimate, Zoe felt the weight of her sins lay heavy on her shoulders. In the moment, everything was perfect. She did not regret it till the morning after. Or so she made herself feel regret.
She knew what she was doing was wrong. She knew if anyone found out then her reputation, her family’s reputation– Marinette’s reputation would go up in flames. Yet she found herself in her bed with Marinette every weekend without fail.
Marinette used to say she wished Zoe was a boy. Then, they could love each other openly without guilt. But Zoe was a girl, and she loved Marinette. It was a secret, and it was shameful and draining and scary, but Zoe didn’t regret her time spent with Marinette. Those times were some of the happiest Zoe has felt.
Zoe loved Marinette. She misses her. She misses her silky hair, her beautifully kind eyes, her sweet smell, her perfectly warm smile, her perfectly soft lips–
Zoe’s eyes shot open. She sighed and struggled to clear her thoughts of her past lover.
Marinette had her heart in a headlock.
God, Zoe hated her.
♥
Zoe had bad days and worse days.
Today was one of Zoe’s worst days.
After another exhausting day at school, her father drove her to therapy. She started seeing a therapist after her depression started getting bad again. Obviously, Zoe couldn’t tell her therapist the real reason why she was always lost in her mind, so they spent the sessions talking about more minor problems, like how trapped and alone she felt. How, despite how grateful she is for having everything, she still felt like shit. Zoe didn’t mention the burning cuts on her thigh or the urge to jump off the highest point of Le Grand. She didn’t feel that would be received well. Plus, she didn’t want to deal with the therapist snitching, and she was nothaving that conversation with her father.
Once again, she found herself lying in bed staring up at the ceiling like she did most hours of the day. She twirled her small razor between her fingers and sighed. The urges were always stronger on worse days. Releasing her emotional pain with physical pain was her solace.
She brushed her finger over a faint scar on her wrist. A memory rushed back to her. The same memory that always haunted her when she looked at her scars.
“You’re cutting again,” Marinette brushed her finger over a fresh scar on Zoe’s wrist. Zoe stayed silent.
“You said you’d stop.”
“I’m sorry, Mari,” A tear slid down Zoe’s face. Marinette whipped it with the back of her thumb as she cupped Zoe’s face.
“You need to talk to me when you feel like cutting.”
“I didn’t want to burden you.”
“You could never be a burden to me,” Marinette kissed her cheek. “You need to stop. If not for yourself then for me.”
“I’ll try,” Zoe said. Marinette brought Zoe’s wrist to her mouth and kissed the cut. Zoe stopped cutting for three weeks after that.
Zoe blinked the memory away.
For once, Zoe hid her razor back in her drawer and picked up her phone. She opened it and sent a quick text to Luka, letting him know she was coming over.
She was ready to turn her worst day into a slightly better one.
♥
“Luka, I seriously cannot stand another day here. Maybe I should just move back to New York,” Zoe groaned as she threw her arm across her eyes.
After the breakup, Zoe felt like her whole world was crashing down on her. She knew dating Marinette wasn’t going to last. She knew they had to break up eventually. She just didn’t know it was going to last for the long four months that it did. Four months doesn’t seem like a long time but to Zoe it was a whole lifetime. And the heartbreak that followed was not easy.
She was a stupid, stupid girl for dating her in the first place. And she was even more stupid for not being prepared for the aftermath.
She was falling apart on the inside. Her mind was in a million different places at once. Her thoughts splattered dreadfully all over the place. Her mind was an inescapable prison that she could no longer bear. She was going to lose herself and shatter into a trillion ugly, broken pieces.
She promised Marinette that her secret was safe with her. That no other soul on this earth would know about their relationship.
But Zoe was a liar.
She found the one person she knew she could trust with her life. The only person who would never judge her. Her only friend left.
And she told him everything.
She was sprawled sideways on Luka’s bed. He sat beside her with one foot swinging off the bed and the other hugged close to his chest. He smirked down at her and blew a soft huff from his nose.
She glared at him. “don’t laugh at my misery.”
“I’m not laughing,” he said as he continued to snicker.
She rolled her eyes. “I literally hate you.”
His smile grew. She sat up so they were now facing each other. “What do I do Luka? I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”
“Have you tried talking to her?” He asked.
She nodded.
“And how did that go?”
“It was a shit show. We ended up yelling at each other. She told me she never wants to speak to me again. At one point I really thought she was going to lash out and hit me.”
Luka’s eyes widened. “I think you should forget about her and focus on your studies. She is not worth it.”
“But we left so many things unresolved. I won’t ever get over it if I never confront her properly.”
“Then talk to her.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“But it is.”
Zoe let out a frustrated sigh. “You don’t get it.”
“What is there to get? You two broke up. She seems to be doing fine. Now, you need to be fine and get over it.”
“Why is it so hard? Why can’t I just get over it like a normal person?”
“It’s only been a few weeks. You need time.”
“I need to get better. It shouldn’t be this hard.”
“Do you love her?”
Zoe raised a brow. “Excuse me?”
“Do you love her?”
“I hate her.”
“You hate the fact that you still love her.”
Zoe picked up a pillow and threw it at his face. “Shut up.”
He tossed the pillow back at her. “You’re just mad that I’m right.”
“You are not right.”
“Just talk to her. You will feel better.”
She grunted and lowered her back onto the bed. “Fine.”
♥
Zoe planned to talk to her the very next day. She prepared what she was going to say and she was ready. Or so she thought.
She saw Marinette with her friends and she backed out. She would talk to her another day when she was alone.
The next day Marinette was sitting alone in class when she walked in. They made eye contact. This was the perfect time to speak to her. Except it wasn’t because Zoe got a sudden jolt of nerves and rushed to panic in the bathroom. She skipped that class. She would talk to her another day when she was calmer.
The day after that, Zoe was ready to talk to Marinette. Then her eyes landed on Marinette talking to Adrien.
Zoe realized she hated a lot of people, but Adrien was at the top of her list. Everything about him pissed her off. His perfect face and his perfect smile and his perfect personality. It was disgusting.
Zoe hated him ever since Marinette mentioned her crush on him back when they were dating.
Zoe remembers it like it was yesterday.
“Adrien, really?” Zoe had said.
Marinette shrugged. “He’s perfect.”
Zoe scoffed.
Marinette give a mischievous smile like she always did when she was trying to playfully annoy her. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Are you jealous?” Marinette asked.
“No.” Zoe tried to play it off. She was very clearly jealous.
“Really?”
“Mhm.”
“Cuz if you were that would be kinda hot.”
Zoe looked up at Marinette to see that stupidly endearing smile. “Okay maybe I am a little jealous.”
Marinette giggled and pulled her in for a kiss.
Jealousy would also be their downfall.
After they broke up, they agreed to stay friends for the sake of the friend group. Neither of them could let go anyway.
When Marinette talked about boys in front of her to their other friends, she would get jealous and mad. She would get jealous over Marinette’s close friendship with Alya which was never a problem to Zoe until after the breakup. She was jealous of anyone who talked to Marinette. Jealous of anyone who could make her smile. Anyone who could make her smile.
Zoe was a growing ball of jealousy and hatred.
She had become a dreadful person to be around. She made Marinette’s life hell. She lost all of her friends because of it. She hated herself for it.
Now Marinette was talking to perfect Adrien while Zoe watched with her imperfect heart. Luka said Marinette moved on so fast because she was in denial of her feelings towards a girl and needed male validation to help her move on and forget.
Marinette must have felt Zoe staring. She could have sworn she saw pain in Marinette’s gaze. She hoped she saw pain in Marinette’s gaze. Marinette should hurt as much as she does. If Marinette hurts, then it means that she cares for Zoe just as much as Zoe cares for her.
Zoe did not talk to Marinette that day. She swallowed her tears, and for the first time, she would be the one to break the eye contact. She would talk to her another day when her soul came back to her.
♥
“Can I talk to you?” A week later Zoe finally got the courage to talk to her. The classroom was empty. It was now or never.
“What is there to talk about?” Marinette didn’t look at her. Zoe hated it.
“Please Mari,” Zoe pleaded. “It’ll just be a minute.”
“Fine,” Zoe let out a sigh of relief. She could barely breathe.
“I just want to start by saying I’m sorry for the way I acted after we broke up,” Zoe said.
Marinette nodded, and Zoe continued. “I hate you, and you ruined my life. I was happy before I met you.”
Marinette furrowed her eyebrows and opened her mouth, but Zoe continued before she could speak. “You came into my life and made me happier. In a way, you saved me. I know I said I regretted being with you, but I don’t. because being with you were some of the happiest days of my life. I don’t regret loving you. And I miss you. And I hate having these feelings towards you because you are nothing to me now. As much as I would like to be friends again I don’t think that’s possible, and I’ll learn to accept that.”
“Did you tell anyone?”
Zoe sighed. She didn’t know why she expected anything more from Marinette.
“No.” Lair.
“You’re lying,” Marinette says, always the one to catch her in her lies.
“I’m not.” Lair. Lair.
“I know you, Zoe. I know when you lie to me. I know you.”
“Why would I lie to you?”
“Was it Luka?” Marinette asked.
“It wasn’t anybody.”
“I don’t believe you. Swear it.”
“Mari, I’ve been wanting to win you back for weeks. Why would I go behind your back and tell someone the one thing you asked me not to say? It wouldn’t make sense.” Lair. Lair. Lair. You told Luka. Stop being a pussy and tell her the truth. Don’t lie to her face anymore. “I swear to you. I would never hurt you like that.”
And maybe that was Zoe’s final revenge.
“Good. If I ever find out you’re lying–“
“You won’t.”
Marinette nodded. “Every time I think about you, my heart aches. I don’t miss you. And I don’t love you. I just want this to end. We can’t be friends again. I don’t want that. I just want to be good.”
Zoe nodded. “Okay.”
“So we’re good?” Mari asked.
“We’re good.”
Zoe had a lot to work through. At least now she had closure.
♥
It’s been years since Zoe was a heartbroken schoolgirl.
She graduated from school and got into the fashion industry like she always wanted. As she grew in age, she grew as a person.
Therapy turned out to be a good thing in the end. She stopped cutting. Stopped with her lies. And most importantly, she stopped hating herself.
Luka remained her close friend, and lucky for her, he never told anyone her secret.
Zoe never saw the girls from her high school again. The last she heard Marinette married Adrien. She hopes they are happy. Really, she does.
Zoe doesn’t hate Marinette anymore.
She’s finally happy again.