Little Padfoot

Sirius

Sirius leaned into Remus, shaking slightly as his feet dangled off the end of the bed. The potion to make him big again still wasn’t ready. And now it was Monday, which meant he had to attend class with the others. Lots of others. Hufflepuffs, Gryffindors, Ravenclaws and Slytherins. Why they couldn’t they just stay here in the dorm and play like yesterday?

“It’ll be alright,” Remus said, gently rubbing his back. “Professor Epping is really nice, and you’ve got all that parchment to draw on while James and Peter work.”

Sirius buried himself further into Remus, taking in shallow breathes.  He didn’t want to go with James and Peter.

“I want to go with you and Reggie…”

It wasn’t an option. His brother had left straight after breakfast for double potions, which was apparently not appropriate for a five-year-old. He was lucky the others had had a free, but now Remus had the creature class, which was also apparently not safe for him. So, he was stuck going with James and Peter.

“It’s only one class,” James crouched down in front of him and placed a soft hand on his knee. “Then Pete and I will drop you off with Regulus in the library.”

Sirius stared at the hand and sniffled quietly. He wanted Regulus now. He wanted to go the library now.

“Hey guys, we really need to go now, or the halls are gonna be packed,” Peter called out from the door.

The thought of walking through the busy corridors made Sirius shiver and he wriggled closer to Remus, tightly grabbing onto his robes.

“Maybe I should just skip…” Remus sighed. “I can get notes from Lily.”

Yes. Please skip. Stay here.

James scoffed, standing up and swinging his bag over his shoulder. “If you go skipping classes on his behalf, on top of the ones you’re already missing next week, he’s going to be pissed when he’s back to normal. We can handle him.”

No. No you can’t. I want him to stay.

“I know I just… I feel bad…”

Good. Stay with me. Don’t go.

Sirius was tempted to say it aloud. He didn’t though. It was never good to tell adults what to do. It was his job as the child to do what they wanted. So instead, he just held onto Remus as tightly as he could and hoped to Merlin that Remus would decide he didn’t need to go.

His hopes were in vain.

The warm arm around his back loosened slightly, and Remus shifted, dipping his head so Sirius could meet his eyes.

“Are you ready to start walking now?” he asked softly, and Sirius’ tummy twisted in a horrible way. Remus was leaving. Numbness spread out from his middle and down his legs.

Sirius shook his head and leaned into Remus’ chest, shaking even more than before.

“Do you want to bring Blacky?” James offered and Sirius shook his head again, keeping his face buried in Remus’ robes. He did actually want Blacky, but he wanted Remus more. He wanted Reggie. He was tired and he wanted to stay here.

“What if I walk with you guys? Would that be better?”

Sirius shook his head. “I want you to stay…”

Remus sighed again and he was pretty sure he heard the others chuckle, though he didn’t understand why.

“I know,” Remus whispered quietly, rubbing his back. “But we all have to attend class.”

Sirius breathed in deeply and bit back the urge to argue.

He isn’t changing his mind…

He wanted Remus to stay. He needed him until Reggie was back. But he was used to not getting what he needed, and he didn’t want to push his limits. They’d been nice so far, but even his mum and dad were nice sometimes, until he was bad.

So even as he tingled all over. As his head grew lighter and his body became heavier. Sirius leaned back and let the cold air rush between himself and Remus. He kept his eyes cast down and slid off the edge of the bed, dropping out of Remus’ reach, his feet thumping against the floor.

Someone put their hand on his shoulder and gently started guiding him toward the door. He didn’t look up to check who it was, nor did he bother listening in case they spoke to him. Sirius wrapped one hand around his wrist and gripped it tightly, turning everything all off.

He didn’t notice much of the walk. He didn’t pay attention when sitting down between James and Peter. They set out his drawing things, but Sirius didn’t use them, instead leaning back in his chair with his hands in his lap. Staring off into space has he dug his nails into his skin. Scratching and scratching and scratching.

It lasted both an eternity and a single second. Then it was over.

James was helping him to his feet, and Peter was packing up his untouched parchment. He was walking again. Through crowds, along corridors and downstairs. He put one foot in front of the other without any thought. The world getting more and more blurry as he moved.

People becoming just figures that towered over him. Names losing their meaning. James? Peter? Remus? Regulus? They were just words from a language he didn’t speak.

Somewhere out in the void, he thought he heard a voice. Then felt someone wrenching his wrist free of his hands. They wrapped their arms around his body. He was sure he heard a voice this time, but he couldn’t make out the words. His ears were buzzing, and his brain was too fuzzy.

He was vaguely aware of being lifted up. Sat on someone’s hip and held. It scared him a little. His parents never held him like this anymore, not since he was littler. It wasn’t proper for a growing boy to be coddled. But Sirius was too far gone inside his own mind to worry right now. Too exhausted to be afraid. 

So, Sirius let his head drop onto the persons shoulder, breathing in and out deeply as they gently rubbed his back. Pretending this was a hug. Merlin, Sirius needed a hug.

---

Regulus

“Can you just put my bag down there?” he sighed, nodding his head at the empty desk, in a deserted back alcove of the library, trying to keep himself calm so as not to scare Sirius even deeper into catatonia. Anxiously rubbing his brothers back, trying to soothe him. That’s what you did with freaked out little kids right? Fuck. He was so out of his depth.

“Do you want me to stay?” James asked as he dumped the bag on the table, his eyes flicking nervously between Regulus and Sirius. Regulus’ cheeks bloomed with heat at the attention and he dropped his gaze to the floor, hoping James hadn’t noticed the blush spreading across his face. Merlin. He had a half-dead, five-year-old Sirius in his arms, now really wasn’t the time for that. “I know you’ve probably got a bunch of OWL homework already and I can help keep him entertained while you study?”

Regulus swallowed. Staring intently at the carpet, tapping his foot against the floor as Sirius remained limp and silent. He was sure this was worse than crying. This was horrible. Kids were supposed to be noisy. Sirius was supposed to be noisy. Instead, his tiny body growing heavier as Regulus felt his head getting lighter. His mind racing.

Yes, James had a point about his workload. Yes, he needed help with Sirius right now. But this was James.James as in the boy he’d spent the rest of yesterday avoiding. James as in the reason he left for class much earlier than necessary this morning just so he didn’t have to face him. James as in the boy he nearly bloody kissed last night.

“You err- have class though…” He muttered, rapidly tapping his fingers against his brothers back now. What did Sirius used to do when he was like this? Had he ever been like this? He couldn’t remember. Maybe a hug? Except this was already a hug and it was doing nothing. Talking? A game?

“I have transfiguration and its just a revision lesson on a spell I already know. I can skip if you need the extra help, I really don’t mind.”

Regulus clenched his teeth. Merlin. Why did he have to be so nice? It was nasty, inconvenient and downright rude. Regulus shifted to his other leg, adjusting Sirius, who was getting really heavy now.

No, he wanted to say. Leave me alone.

But he didn’t. He just stood there, fighting to keep his breath steady as he felt Sirius’ little heart pitter pattering away, much faster than was normal. Why was he so stressed? Was it his fault? For selfishly leaving so early and not spending enough time with him? Should he know what to do and he was just an ignorant idiot? Was he really this horrible at being a big brother?

He was, wasn’t he. That was it. He had done this to Sirius. He was a terrible brother. He was a selfish, annoying, emotional, spoiled brat that didn’t think about anyone but himself. He ignored his innocent little brother because he was too emotionally stunted to deal with feelings like a normal person. Hell, he was so emotionally stunted he fucking cut himself.

He cut himself and Sirius had seen his scars. He cut himself and the entire school was going to find out. He cut himself and it would probably end up in the daily prophet for the whole world to see. Regulus cut himself without any regard to how that would look for the House of Black. What was wrong with him?

He was a- he was- he-

Regulus was shaking. He was looking up at James through slightly misty eyes and- wait when had he started looking at James? Wasn’t he looking at the floor? Regulus gripped Sirius tighter as his mind tried to catch up with itself. And James was talking? His lips were moving, but Regulus couldn’t hear any words.

I need to sit down. I need to relax. I need to breath.

James was suddenly nodding, stepping closer as his lips continued moving. His face taut with worry as he guided Regulus to long seat at the table. Had he said that aloud? He hadn’t meant to say that aloud. Wait, how much else had he said aloud? How much had James just heard?

Regulus’ knees buckled and he collapsed into the chair, keeping his eyes fixed on the messy haired body taking a seat beside him, Sirius on his lap. His thoughts starting to race so quickly they were nothing but blurs.

James reached out and Regulus expected him to try take Sirius. He was a crazy, horrible brother after all, James had to make sure the child was safe. Except, James didn’t do that. James put his hand on his knee. Regulus’ knee. Why was James putting his hand on Regulus’ knee?

His question must have shown on his face. Or maybe he said something aloud again. Because James’ mouth was moving again. Soft lips forming soundless words. Eyes warm and focused on him. His whole body leaning forward into Regulus’ space, reaching out another hand.

To take Sirius from me, again?

Regulus tightened his hold on his brother, but James didn’t go for Sirius. His hand landed on his shoulder, and the touch was like a wake-up call. Regulus was thrust back into the real world.

“-both safe here. I’m not leaving. Just focus on me. Sirius is alright and so are you.”

Had Regulus’ mind been thinking slow enough to comprehend, he would have been drowning in shameful, embarrassed waves at the fact he was breaking down in front of James. But he wasn’t in his right mind, and for once, that was a good thing.

“Just breathe with me, okay? In through your nose, out through your mouth. You’re doing really well.”

James made a show of exaggerating his breaths. Making his whole body rise and fall as he took long deep breaths. Regulus willed his body to try match the rhythm. His lungs expanding, holding, then shrinking. And it helped.

As air worked its way back into his system, Regulus became more aware. He noticed the wooden seat he was sitting on. The grooves of the wood and the table pressing into his back. He could feel his feet on the floor, scrunched up in his shoes. He relaxed them as he kept his eyes on James. Copying his breaths and focusing on his voice.

“That’s really good, Reg. You’ve got this. You’re alright.”

His voice was like a calming draught. A low, comforting hum that made Regulus want to curl up and sleep.

“In and out. In and out. I’m not going anywhere. You’re both safe here.”

Regulus’ breathing continued to even out, his mind slowly clearing. His racing thoughts being swept away by James’ words before he had time to dwell on them. He kept his eyes on James, and James kept his eyes on Regulus. His hands gently rubbing comforting circles into his skin. No thoughts and no worries. Just breathing.

“You’re doing a great job. Just keep breathing. I’m right here with you.”

And that’s what he did. Regulus kept breathing until he didn’t have to force it anymore. Until his breaths became natural and his thoughts were simple, easy and curious.

Because… why wasn’t James laughing right now? Why hadn’t he called everyone over to mock him? He’d just lost complete control of himself, and rather than ridicule, James had offered calm and support. Was it because he was holding Sirius? Was he worried Regulus might hurt him?

That would make sense but… Regulus stared into the warm hazel eyes… there was no malice there…

“I’m trying to… to see if you’re alright!” In the hidden passageway.

“Are you alright?” In the dorm.

Regulus swallowed, about to open his mouth and ask what exactly James’ game here was when-

Sirius…!

Regulus leaned back, James’ hands falling away as he shifted enough to see Sirius’ face. For a second, he thought Sirius was asleep, given how limp he was. So completely reliant on Regulus’ arms to stay upright. But he wasn’t. His eyes were open, and dull. His skin pale and ghostly.

Oh. Oh merlin…

A child wasn’t supposed to look like that. So defeated and empty. And yet… here Sirius was… looking like exactly that…

Just as he probably did a decade ago too…

“It’s alright, Sirius. I’m right here. I’ve got you,” he said, mimicking the words James had been using on him just a minute ago. “You’re safe. You’re okay. Reggie is here.”

Sirius didn’t react. There was no flicker behind his eyes to indicate he’d even heard. His rising and falling chest was the only thing keeping him sure Sirius was still alive.

Regulus wanted to keep breaking down.

“What do I do?” he choked, letting his eyes flick up to James. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix him.”

Maybe if he was in a better headspace, Regulus would have noticed some kind of nervousness. James had less experience with kids than he did, but in that moment, James looked self-assured enough that Regulus trusted his every word.

“What you’re doing is great,” James smiled, shuffling a little closer, until their knees brushed together. “Just keep holding him. If he doesn’t improve soon, we’ll take him up to the hospital wing.”

Regulus pulled Sirius back to his chest. Wrapping him up like a parcel. Were kids meant to be this little?

“Are you alright, Reg?”

Regulus nodded sharply, “I’m fine.”

James raised his eyebrows and Regulus looked down to avoid his unconvinced expression.

That did nothing to avoid his voice though.

“Has that happened before?”

Regulus swallowed. Staring at the carpet like it was a work of art. The truth would be yes, but he wasn’t going to say that. James already knew too much. James knowing this happened once was too much. And yet…

What have I got to lose?

His stomach twisted and throat squeezed. James would know what he does to his arms by the end of the week. He would be able to figure out that this wasn’t a unique occurrence with that information alone. What did it matter if he found out some of the story a bit early?

At least its on my own terms…

Regulus closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Fuck it… he’s already witnessed it firsthand…

“It happens… sometimes…” he whispered like saying the words themselves would cause him to explode.

Then he waited. He waited for Sirius to start being alive again. He waited for James to react. He waited to wake up from the ridiculous, horrible nightmare that was his life.

“Oh…” was the first thing James said, and Regulus scrunched up his face. Preparing for the rest of the blow. Getting ready to hear cruel comments hurled his way and-

“I… I’m sorry that you have to go through that…”

What?

Regulus’ eyes shot open, assuming he must have misheard. Or perhaps he heard the wrong tone? Maybe James was making fun of him in a more subtle way?

But…

Grey eyes met hazel, and Regulus frowned. There was no spite or amusement. No hate or humour. Just sadness and worry. As if he… cared?

“Do you… I mean… are you getting any help?”

Am I getting any help?

What was that supposed to mean? He didn’t need help. He wasn’t weak. He was fine. He had ways to cope.

Like cutting yourself? His subconscious piped up, and Regulus bit back the urge to snap. He shook his head.

“I manage…” he mumbled, hugging his brother a little tighter as he watched for James’ reaction. Waiting for the shoe to drop. But it didn’t.

The expression on James’ face just got… sadder… Regulus didn’t like it. He looked away just in time to hide the fact he was nearly ready to cry. Because great, now his misery was contagious. He was infecting everyone around him. Little Sirius. James. Probably Remus and Peter soon.

At least I don’t have to worry about passing my suffering onto my friends…

Because he didn’t have friends. Not real ones like his brother had. Just people after his money and name. In hindsight, maybe that was why he relented so quickly to spending time with Sirius…

Fuck off. He begged his brain. Don’t cry. Don’t do this to me.

“Do your parents know?”

Regulus scoffed darkly. Sucking down a shaky breath. Don’t. Cry.

“What do you think...”

Don’t cry, Regulus. You’re in public. Anyone could see you.

“Yeh I… I guess not…” James muttered back, his own voice sounding a little croaky.

Silence grew between them, and Regulus assumed the conversation was over. He was wrong… in fact… James decided to press one of the most painful buttons instead…

“Do your friends know?”

It was a simple question. A completely reasonable one at that. Do your friends know? Of course, James would ask that. He was the king of friends. Do your friends know? He wouldn’t hesitate to support the people he cared about. He’d probably done it loads of times for Sirius by now. Do your friends know? It was only natural he’d assume Regulus’ friends would do the same. That having friends like that was an automatic thing. Do your friends know?

Regulus bit his lip. Don’t cry.

“I-I…” don’t have friends…

He bit down harder. Don’t do it.

“I j-just…” don’t have anyone one to trust…

He could taste iron. Don’t you dare fall, tears.

“Regulus…” James whispered, and Regulus could have sworn it sounded like his heart was being ripped in two.

Tears rolled down his cheeks.

---

Sirius

Sirius felt cloudy. He didn’t know why that made sense, but it did. His brain was all swirly and his tummy was all twirly. It was odd and unpleasant, but not unfamiliar. This happened at home sometimes, usually after he was bad…

He got glimpses of the world. Random bursts of memory that made Sirius remember who he was. Moments when sound filled the silence and colour painted the grey. When Sirius knew there was someone holding him. When he could distantly hear sharp breathing and faintly feel a hand rubbing his back.

He liked those bursts. They were safe and warm. It was nice. Nicer than the blanket of fog. But bursts were all they were. Sirius always came back to the cold, misty depths. Nothing was strong enough to break the shackles anchoring him down. Not at home. Not here. Nowhere.

Well… almost nothing…

There was one thing that always managed to pull Sirius out of his mind. One thing and one thing alone. It wasn’t his own pain, nor was it his fear. His parents couldn’t wake him with their words, nor could they free him with their curses.

Regulus, however, could drag Sirius out, no matter how lost he was. Because Sirius had a job. He was the big brother and he had to ensure his little brother was safe. It was Sirius’ responsibility to stop baby Regulus from feeling the scary things he felt. The pain. The fear. The loneliness. The darkness. The cold.

So when Sirius heard a familiar mumbling voice, echo out from the clouds, his cloudy world was suddenly clear.

Regulus.

Admittedly, this Regulus sounded different. Voice a little deeper. Cries a little more muffled. But it was Regulus without a doubt. He could hear it in the way his voice broke off at the end of his mumbled sentences. He could hear it in the way his breathing was all chokes and splutters.

Regulus was sad. That wasn’t right.

I can’t let Reggie be sad.

That thought was like a sledgehammer to glass, the clouds shattering away. The colours. The sounds. The memories. The people. It all rushed back into his little head like a slap in the face. The fog was gone, as was the dull droning rush in his ears. Sirius could see, hear and feel the world clearly. He was back.

Sirius leaned backwards, away from the warm torso in front of him and gently pushing against the arms holding his back. He tilted his face up, the fingers scratching his scalp sliding off his head.

“Reggie?” Sirius whispered the moment he caught a glimpse of his brothers red eyes and glistening cheeks. “Why are you sad?”

Regulus, who’d already been watching Sirius intently, stiffened. Surprise flashing across his face.

“I-I’m… I’m not… sad...” he stammered weakly.

Sirius raised his eyebrows suspiciously. Making sure to fill his expression with as much I don’t believe you as possible. Because he didn’t. Regulus had clearly been crying and crying meant something bad happened. What that bad thing was though? Sirius had no idea.

Little Reggie got upset over lots of things. Loud noises. Too many people. Being too cold. Wearing itchy clothes. Losing his things. But Sirius had no idea what big Reggie would get upset by. The same things? More grown up things? What about-

Sirius just about gasped as that memory came back to him. Oh. He did know something that made big Regulus upset. Really, really upset.

An adult Sirius probably would have realised this was a bit of a leap to make, but little Sirius thought this was a perfectly reasonable assumption.

Sirius narrowed his eyes.

“Did the mean boy hurt you again?”

It was more of an accusation than a question, an accusation that Regulus seemed confused by at first. His frown deepened and his head titled, like he was trying to understand a foreign language. But after a few seconds, the frown started to shift into something else. Something far more akin to concern.

His face whitened and he snapped up straight in his chair, clenching his teeth. His eyes darted between Regulus and something over Regulus’ shoulder, before he started frantically shaking his head back and forth.

“N-No, no,” Regulus said. “It’s not that… I mean… that isn’t even… its not…”

Sirius crossed his arms. That sounded about as convincing as when Sirius told their mother he didn’t know how the vase in the living room got broken while he played house quidditch. He was about to continue his questions, when a new voice broke into the conversation.

“Someone hurt you?”

James?

Sirius twisted around, and sure enough, found James sitting right behind him, looking far less cheery than usual.

“No!” Regulus spat, making Sirius to spin back around to see his brother twitching nervously. “No one did anything. Sirius is just… its fine. I’m fine.”

Sirius frowned.

“That’s not true,” he said firmly at his brother, glaring pointedly at his robe concealed arms. “That boy cursed you.”

“It… it was nothing…” Regulus muttered.

But Sirius shook his head. That wasn’t right. It wasn’t nothing. He’d seen the curse marks and there was nothing fine about them.  

“Wait so you were cursed?” James cut in, causing Regulus’ already pale face to somehow pale even more.

“N-No…” Regulus started stuttering, looking more and more like a cornered animal. “I just… I mean… it was…”

Sirius reached out for his brother’s arm, the one he knew had been cursed. He made a grab for the sleeve, but Regulus was faster, leaping to his feet and yanking his arm back before Sirius could reveal anything.

“Reggie, show him. Its okay. We can help.”

“Reg, are you actually hurt?”

Regulus swallowed, the light leaving his eyes faster than a bolt of lightning.

“I… I just… I’m…”

Regulus glanced down at his arm. Then at James. Then at Sirius. His eyes welling up with fresh tears as his face shattered, like every ounce of hope was being drained out of him. It made Sirius’ chest hurt. Why was Reggie getting sadder? What happened? They just wanted to help.

“Reggie, it’s alright,” he whispered, trying to smile. Trying to show him that he didn’t need to be afraid. Just like he was supposed to as a brother. Little or big.

But Regulus didn’t smile back. Nor did he begin looking alright. He was as white as a ghost and backing away like they were contagious with dragon pox. He was biting his lip, and his hands were shaking.

Sirius didn’t understand. What was Regulus so afraid of?

We aren’t going to let that boy hurt him again…

“I-I… I didn’t… it was…” Regulus stammered as he shuffled backwards, his eyes flicking back and forth between James and Sirius. Like something was on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t get it out.

“Regulus…” James murmured, and when Regulus froze for a second, Sirius thought he had cracked. That he was going to give in and accept their help. Of course, that would have been too easy.

Regulus blinked once. Then twice. A third time. And a fourth.

He stared at them, while they stared back. No one moved. No one made a sound.

“You can trust me…” James added, but that was the wrong move. Regulus didn’t like that. Before James was even finished the sentence he was turning around and sprinting away. Thunderous footsteps echoing through the library as he bolted, whispers following his hasty exit.

“Reggie wait!” Sirius shouted, jumping to his feet. He couldn’t let him go. He had to follow him. He had to make sure he was safe. He had to protect him from-

“Sirius?”

Sirius stopped, mostly because of the hand grabbing his wrist and preventing him from moving. He pulled against him, giving James the most Walburga look he could muster.

“Let go,” he pleaded, trying to twist out of James’ grasp. “I have to see my brother. I have to check him.”

“Why?” James shook his head, eyes wide and staring at the place where Regulus had just disappeared from. “What’s going on? Why did he just…”

“Because of the boy,” Sirius said, twisting and turning. Desperately trying to pry James’ hand from his wrist. Regulus was getting away. He needed to find him. He needed to make sure he was safe. That was his job.

“Sirius, what boy? What happened?” James asked more frantically.

“The mean boy that lacero cursed him! He told me!”

Why didn’t James understand? Why was he stopping him from getting his brother?

“Lacero? But… but that… who would even…” James looked like his head was about to explode. Sirius pulled again, but this time James yanked him closer. Placing one hand on his shoulder and holding them face to face.

His face wasn’t angry. Sirius was convinced that James didn’t know how to be angry, but he looked worried. Maybe he’s finally starting to get it?

“Sirius, I need you to tell me what happened. Why did he tell you about that boy? How do you know he was cursed?”

Sirius shook his head. He didn’t have time for this. He was practically vibrating, bouncing up and down, resisting James’ hold.

“Because I saw the lacero cuts,” he cried. “On his arm! There were long bleeding cuts on his wrist and lots of old healed ones under them!”

Sirius had thought this would make James realise the problem. Realise that they needed to go protect him from that boy. But James just paled, his jaw dropping open as if he was coming to a horrible conclusion.

“He had… on his…” James mumbled, his face continuing to lose colour. His shoulders rising and falling much faster than normal. The hands holding Sirius starting to shake. “W-When did you find out?”

“Yesterday!” Sirius cried. What was James doing? Why was he acting so strange? “In the secret room when-”

“After he got upset…” James trailed off.

“Yes!” Sirius nodded frantically. “He was sad, and he said that a mean boy hurts him sometimes!”

“Oh…” was the only thing James said as his eyes glassed over…