Fourth Year
SUMMER
Remus jolted awake in his own bed, at home, completely terrified.
He tried to remember what nightmare he'd been having, but nothing came to mind. But the fear was still there.
He did a quick check of his surroundings. He didn't hear or smell anything unusual. He frowned, trying to poke at the fear a little.
Suddenly, he was certain it wasn't his fear at all. It was Sirius's.
He flicked on the lights and ran to his desk, where several Muggle markers were stored for this exact purpose. He rolled up the sleeve on his left arm and wrote, “ARE YOU OK?”
They'd agreed it would always be the left arm. That way, they knew where to look, and Sirius could make sure to hide it.
He waited, wondering if Sirius was even somewhere safe enough to look at his arm.
And then Remus doubled over as the fear spiked, and raging fury came up alongside it. Remus had never imagined fury like what his friend was feeling now.
He caught sight of a mark on his arm, and watched in horror as it materialized into what was undoubtedly a burn mark. A circular, intentional burn mark, by the looks of it.
Remus felt his own fury at the sight of it, alongside panic for his friend's well-being and disgust at the mere idea of someone doing this to his Sirius.
That was the type of possessive language he normally scolded himself for using, but at the moment he was running towards the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet seconds before vomiting.
He had to think of a plan. Had to get help. He made his way back to his desk and grabbed parchment and a quill. He wrote one line: “Get him out of there,” and woke up Henrietta to tie it to her leg.
“Get this to James as soon as you possibly can. I don't care if you have to peck his eyes out, just wake him up.”
He walked the owl to the window and watched her disappear into the night. He took a deep breath. He couldn't just sit here doing nothing. It occurred to him that this might be a situation where adults might be able to help him out.
He went to the master bedroom and woke up his parents.
“It's Sirius,” he said. “He's in trouble, and he's scared, and I sent an owl to James, but we have to get him out of there, someone's hurting him...” Remus broke down into sobs.
His mother pulled him close, and his father went to see if he could get hold of the Potters via Floo.
Within an hour, his family and James's family were gathered in the Potters' sitting room. Remus had taken to pacing. This whole thing was taking far too long, and they were no closer to rescuing Sirius. He refused to look down at his body, refused to look for more marks.
“The Blacks' house is one of the most warded houses in magical Britain,” Mr. Potter was saying. “We don't even know where it is, exactly.”
James caught Remus's eye, and he suddenly remembered.
“We do,” said James immediately. The adults all turned to look at them.
“Sirius told us years ago, just in case we ever needed to get to him,” James continued. “It's --” He couldn't seem to speak. Remus tried to say the address himself, but nothing came out of his mouth.
“Fidelius Charm,” muttered Remus's dad. “They won't be able to tell us or get us there. We won't even be able to see the house without the Secret Keeper giving us the address.”
“But we can go,” said Remus. The adults in the room all turned to stare at him and James.
“Absolutely not,” said Remus's mother. “That house is dangerous, none of us will know where you are, and we have no idea what you'll be going up against!”
“But Sirius is there,” said Remus. “He's up against all of that right now, by himself.”
“Remus,” said his mother, her voice getting increasingly high-pitched. “Sirius is useful to his family, and they are hurting him. You – they wouldn't think twice about killing you.”
Remus felt the truth of it hit him in the gut.
“We'll take the cloak,” said James. Both of the Lupins turned to stare at him, but Mrs. Potter whirled on her husband.
“You GAVE HIM that cloak?”
Mr. Potter seemed to shrink into the couch. “My father gave it to me when I was young. It's tradition.”
“Sorry, what cloak is this?” asked Remus's dad, as James ran out of the room to get it.
“It's an Invisibility Cloak. Been in my family for generations.”
“Generations? I've never heard of one lasting that long.”
Mr. Potter shrugged. “It is rather special.”
James bolted back into the room. “Okay. Moony, let's go.”
“Hold on --”
“If you think we're going to let --”
“Let's think this through --”
Remus and James were halfway through the door. “We're doing this,” said James. “If you try to stop us, all that will change is that we might get to Sirius too late.”
Remus felt the bottom drop out of his stomach at that. It must have shown in his face, because his parents looked at him and seemed to lose the will to stop them.
“Be safe,” his mom whispered.
“I love you,” he told them both, and ran out the door.
--
It's not easy, when you can't Apparate, to get to a location that you can't really name. Remus was already brainstorming how they were going to tell the Knight Bus driver where to take them when James was dragging him aboard, confidently saying, “13 Grimauld Place, London,” and tossing in their fare.
“It's that easy?” Remus asked. “You can just give the address one over from the one you want?”
James shrugged. “I don't know too much about Fidelius charms, but I know that they won't be able to see the house anyway, even if we dragged them right to the front door. So it's not really about the address, it's about the Secret Keeper.”
Remus nodded. He felt slightly better now that they were doing something, but not much. He hadn't felt anything from Sirius for a while. He was pretty sure that he'd know if his soulmate had died, but what if he was unconscious? Or stuck somewhere that magic couldn't penetrate?
James gripped his hand. “We're going to get him, Remus. I promise.”
Remus smiled weakly in reply.
–
“Surely we can't just walk in,” muttered Remus. They were standing in the cloak on the doorstep of 12 Grimauld Place, unsure what to do next.
“Well, we can't very well ring the bell, can we? Nobody's supposed to be able to find this place.”
Remus tried the handle, and immediately pulled his hand away when he felt something prick him.
“Ow!” He stuck his bleeding finger into his mouth. He pushed at the handle again, but it didn't budge. “It's locked.”
James looked at him thoughtfully, and then tried the door himself. Remus saw him flinch when the doorknob pricked him, but moments later, the door was creaking open.
“Pureblood,” muttered James, by way of explanation. Remus shuddered.
The inside of the house was dark. Even having just been outside in the night, the house felt permeated with a darkness that no light could possibly breach.
“What now?” whispered Remus. He couldn't imagine ever doing anything but whispering in a place like this. The air all around tingled with dark magic.
“Can't you...smell him, or something?”
Remus almost laughed. “Yes, actually. It might take a while – he's all over this house, but I should be able to pick up where he's been most recently.”
Remus led the way through the house, picking up Sirius's scent by the fireplace in the downstairs lounge, and following it carefully up a flight of stairs, until they were outside a door labeled “Sirius Orion Black.”
“He's in his room?” whispered James. “That almost seems too easy.”
Remus tried the handle. So did James. They whispered “Alohamora” at it, but it didn't budge.
“Sirius,” James hissed. “Sirius, can you hear us?”
“Who's there?” said a voice behind them. They whirled around and saw Regulus peeking out from a door across the hall. They both froze under the cloak. Sirius and Regulus had a complicated relationship at the best of times, and neither James nor Remus was completely sure where they stood at present.
“I know you're there,” Regulus hissed. “You won't be able to wake him up. They gave him a sleeping potion to make sure he can't sneak off.”
Remus's heart was pounding, his blood screaming for revenge on those who'd hurt his friend.
“Come on, I can help you. You won't be able to get in without me.”
James and Remus exchanged a look, and, by mutual agreement, James stepped out of the cloak, leaving Remus covered by it.
“Potter?”
“Who'd you expect?”
“I thought his soulmate – you're not his soulmate, are you?” Regulus's eyes were wide.
“No. But his soulmate is the one who told me he's in trouble. You said you could help?”
Regulus nodded, seeming to steel himself. He dipped back into his room and came out with a vial full of red liquid.
“It's mummy dearest's blood,” he whispered. James's face had gone completely pale.
“Why do you have that?” he choked out.
“Calm down, Potter. I'm not in the habit of bleeding people, if that's what you're thinking. My family happens to be quite proud of their blood, and regularly draws samples to have available for all sorts of spells. I nicked a couple vials the year Sirius went off to Hogwarts.”
As he explained, Regulus moved to the door and pulled a few drops of blood onto the door handle. Remus thought he might be sick.
“That's barbaric,” hissed James.
Regulus shrugged. “But effective.”
Remus had already moved inside the room, towards Sirius's silhouette on the bed.
“Sirius,” he hissed, shaking his shoulder. “Sirius, wake up.”
He refused to look at the marks, just as he'd been refusing to look at their mirror images all night.
“Is someone else with you?” he heard Regulus ask.
“Yeah.”
“His soulmate?”
A slight pause and then – “Yes. But they have to stay hidden. If anyone in your family found out, it wouldn't be safe.”
Regulus swallowed. “Maybe it's best that I don't know,” he whispered.
Sirius wasn't stirring. Remus stuck his wand arm out from underneath the cloak and shot up some sparks, trying to get James's attention.
“No luck?” James asked, hurrying to his side. “What do you reckon – can you do a lightening charm? I don't really fancy transfiguring him.”
Remus took a deep breath. He'd never done a lightening charm before, but he knew the theory behind them, and he always had a knack for charms. He closed his eyes, focusing on gathering his magic, on feeling the way it wanted to move. He exhaled slowly while whispering the incantation, directing his energy towards Sirius.
“Brilliant,” muttered James, levitating the now much-lighter Sirius. “Let's get out of here.”
“Did you come in through the front door?” asked Regulus as they hurried down the hall.
“Yes.”
“They'll know it was you,” Regulus whispered. “They'll be able to tell from the blood.”
Remus's chest clenched, but he refused to think about that.
“They would've figured out he was at mine eventually,” said James.
They were at the door. James was navigating Sirius through it, trying not to bump him too much.
“Thank you, Regulus,” James said, making eye contact with the boy. “You were right, we couldn't do this without you.”
James turned to go but Remus threw out an invisible hand to stop him. James looked curiously in his direction, and Remus turned his friend's head back towards Regulus, who was looking at them with a mixture of relief and fear.
“Er...” said James, glancing back towards Remus, unsure what he was supposed to be doing. Remus sighed.
“Do you want to come with us?” he whispered, hoping his voice was soft enough that it could pass for a girl's.
“Oh!” said James. “Yeah, Regulus, you're welcome. My parents won't mind at all.”
For a moment, Remus thought he might say yes, but then he shook his head, backing away.
“They'll kill me,” he whispered.
“My house is warded,” James promised. “They won't be able to get to you.”
“But what about after? Who will protect me when I'm back in the Slytherin dorms?”
Remus's heart broke. He couldn't think of a single thing to say to that, and he knew James couldn't either. He could tell it was killing James, to be standing there with this younger boy, who looked so much like his brother, and know that he was just beyond their ability to save.
“We'll have your back, Reg,” said James at last. “Whenever you're ready – after school, in a decade, whenever – find us, and we will help you.”
It was one of James's more eloquent speeches, Remus thought, and it made him a little sad that these were the circumstances it took for James's skills to be fully used.
Regulus nodded, and the three Marauders slipped through the door.
***
Sirius woke up and immediately knew that he was not in the same place he had fallen asleep in. For one, this room was much brighter than his. For two, Remus was curled up on the bed next to him.
Sirius sucked in a breath as he looked at the marks covering his soulmate. The burn marks looked almost erratic, but Sirius knew that underneath the werewolf's shirt, he'd find his torso covered in deliberate, angry red slashes. His eyes traveled to Remus's arm, where “ARE YOU OK?” was still visible.
It was bad, he decided. It was much easier, looking at Remus, to see how bad it was. Much harder to brush it off, because his blood boiled at the thought of someone leaving those marks on his friend.
As if roused by his gaze, Remus yawned and turned to look at Sirius. “You're awake,” he said, and reached out to run his hand down the side of Sirius's face.
“We're at the Potters'?” Remus nodded. “How?” Sirius looked back at the message on their arms. “How did you know I needed help?”
“I felt your fear, Sirius,” Remus whispered, his hand coming to rest on Sirius's cheek, as if he needed to reassure himself that Sirius was safe. “I woke up in the middle of the night absolutely terrified, and angry, and it took me a few minutes, but then I realized they weren't my feelings, they were yours.”
Sirius could feel his heart pounding.
“This is big, Remus,” he said. “That's...what you're talking about, most soulmates don't experience anything close to that until they've been married for years.”
Remus nodded. “I know. It was a crisis, though. Maybe it just broke through that once because you needed someone.”
Sirius swallowed, not sure if he should voice the fear he'd been harboring the past year.
“Do you ever wonder if maybe...the reason everything happens so early for us...is that we won't be around to enjoy it when we're older?”
Sirius felt Remus's hand tense on his face, fingernails lightly scraping his cheek. Sirius met his gaze, and he felt like he could see it all in Remus's eyes, the epic love story they were meant to have, the adventures they'd go on, the stories they'd tell when they got old. He could see it all, and for a moment, he forgot that he was only fourteen, he wanted to pull Remus close and kiss him, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
The door banged open, and Sirius came back into his body as James rushed over to crawl onto the bed with them.
“Dammit, Sirius, you better not ever need saving again. You've used up your allotment,” James said, throwing his arms around him. Sirius half-laughed, half-sobbed into James's shoulder for a moment. He was so relieved that he was here, with his friends, away from his family. Finally, he pulled away.
“You have to tell me how you managed it,” he insisted.
James was happy to oblige, spinning the tale as if it were the greatest adventure story ever told. He had quite a flair for it, but Sirius knew that James's bravado was every bit as much an indicator of his fear as Remus's anxious glances were.
“Can't believe Pete couldn't be bothered to show up and rescue me,” Sirius said, pretending to take offense. “Just because he's off in bloody Ireland doesn't mean he couldn't have popped over to lend a hand.”
James laughed. “I already owled him to tell him all about it. I think he's going to come stay here for a while once they get back.”
Sirius suddenly realized he didn't actually know his own summer plans. “Am I...?”
“Staying here for the summer,” James confirmed. “Or for every summer for the rest of forever, if mum gets her way.”
SCHOOL YEAR
Sirius hated the full moon.
He never said as much to Remus, because it felt unbelievably selfish of him to hate the full moon when it was so much worse for the werewolf. Ever since he'd learned Remus's secret, he'd spent the full moon nights staying up as late as he could, and then waking up early to go meet him at the hospital wing.
He'd always thought that he could feel a difference on full moon nights, as if he could somehow sense the moment the wolf took over. But now, ever since Remus had woken up to Sirius's panic over the summer, Sirius had been more aware of the wolf than ever. It was almost as if he always had a sense of Remus, like his soulmate was an ever-present part of himself, but when the wolf took over, that part was gone. It made Sirius anxious. He could feel the feral instincts of the wolf creeping through his mind. And he missed Remus. It was different than being physically separate from him. It was almost as if Remus had been removed from the face of the Earth, because Sirius's constant access to him was suddenly revoked.
So he'd been sleeping less and less during the moons, and arriving at the hospital wing earlier and earlier. Madam Pomfrey had finally relented to his requests, and let Sirius join her when she went to the Room of Requirement to collect Remus in the morning.
Sirius could feel the moment that Remus returned to his body, and he hurried Madam Pomfrey along the corridor so they'd arrive as soon as possible.
But he stopped cold when he saw Remus, bleeding, curled up on the floor, a blanket draped over him. He knew how bad Remus's injuries were; he'd seen them on himself, after all. But he hadn't anticipated how different it'd be to see them fresh on an unconscious, shallowly breathing Remus.
He knelt down next to his friend and gently held his hand as Madam Pomfrey got to work. He watched her carefully, wishing he could help with the healing, that he could do something to help Remus feel better. Unable to think of anything, he fingered the blanket Remus was huddled under, and watched as it changed from a ratty gray thing to a lush blanket in Gryffindor colors.
Madam Pomfrey seemed to notice his desire to help. “Just stay right there, love. He'll be glad you're here when he wakes up.”
Sirius nodded, watching as his own marks faded while Madam Pomfrey healed a cut along Remus's arm. While his marks disappeared, Remus's closed into shiny scars.
Finally, after what felt like hours, Remus's eyes fluttered open.
“Siri?” he muttered. “You're here.”
Sirius leaned down and kissed Remus's forehead, stroking his hair out of his face. “Always, Re. I'll always be here from now on, okay?”
Remus's eyes closed again, but there was a soft smile on his face.
***
Remus was aware that he wasn’t yet fully awake, but he was also aware that his cock was very hard, and was pressed against something soft but firm.
Somewhere in his mind -- maybe the part that was linked most closely to the wolf -- he knew that this was due to the impending moon, and that this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for him the morning before the full.
He tilted his hips, enjoying the sensation against his erection. He inhaled deeply as he nuzzled closer to the warmth he was near. It smelled so lovely and safe, almost like --
“Re?”
Sirius. That was Sirius’s voice. Remus’s eyes shot open. Fuck. That was Sirius’s body he was pressed against. He was suddenly very awake, and was scrambling to put as much distance between them as possible.
Fuck. Fuck. What was Sirius doing here? Remus never let him spend the night in his bed right before the full moon for precisely this reason.
Sirius was sitting up, too, and was likely looking at him. Remus had buried his face in his hands to avoid ever having to make eye contact with him again.
“Sirius. Shit. I am so sorry. I wasn’t really awake -- I didn’t realize --”
“Remus. It’s okay. Honestly.”
“It’s not. Please, can you just -- just go? I need to die of humiliation in private.”
“Look, I honestly didn’t mind. I -- you could keep going, if you want.”
Remus laughed. It sounded cold and harsh to his own ears, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t let what Sirius was suggesting take root inside his mind.
“No. That is not what I want.”
He tried not to spend too much time thinking about being physical with Sirius, but he knew that he didn’t want it to happen like this, on a morning when he didn’t fully have control over his own body, and before they’d ever even kissed.
“Oh.”
Remus chanced a glance at Sirius through his fingers, because now Sirius sounded hurt.
“I’m sorry, did that upset you? Because I’m pretty sure I’m the one who just made an ass of myself.”
“I just said ‘oh.’”
“What’s that supposed to mean, then?”
“Just ‘oh.’ Like ‘oh, I didn’t realize the problem was me.’”
“What are you even talking about?”
“It just seems like you didn’t have a problem until you woke up enough to realize that I was the one in your bed.”
“Right. I told you, I was mostly asleep. And when I went to sleep last night, I was in bed alone.”
“So were you expecting to wake up rubbing against someone else, then?”
Remus dropped his hands to look at Sirius fully. He was embarrassed, on edge, and still very aroused, and the combination was making him especially irritable.
“Look, can we not do this right now? It’s the moon tonight, and I’m really not in the mood for you to pick a fight with me.”
“I’m not ‘picking a fight,’ I’m just trying to figure out where I stand with you.”
“Honestly, what is your problem? I thought I was alone. I’m always alone the morning before the moon. If anyone should be upset, it should be me, because you got into my bed in the middle of the night even though you know that!”
“You were scratching yourself in your sleep! I wanted to help.”
“Well, I wanted to be alone!” Remus hissed.
“Fine! Be alone, then! Be alone for as long as you like!” Sirius jumped off the bed and disappeared through the curtains.
Remus took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He knew the moon was fucking with his emotions, making him more likely to lash out. But he couldn’t make himself care much about that at the moment.
He waited a minute to make sure Sirius wasn’t going to come back before reaching into his pajama bottoms to take care of the erection that had started all this.
He really tried not to, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the way it’d felt to be pressed against Sirius’s ass for those few minutes. He buried his face in the pillows that still smelled like his soulmate as he reached his climax almost embarrassingly quickly.
He lay in bed, panting, and thinking about how absolutely fucked up he was.
***
Remus and Sirius were avoiding each other.
Peter frowned across the table at Sirius, who was telling some exaggerated story to James, and pointedly keeping his back towards the far end of the table, where Remus was eating breakfast with Lily.
Peter didn’t know what had happened, but he knew it was the full moon tonight, which seemed like an especially bad time for them to fight. All of them did everything they could for Remus during the moons, but he seemed to almost rely on Sirius’s presence.
Peter rubbed at his eyes. Part of him wanted not to get involved, but the truth was, the four of them were too intertwined at this point to resist it.
“Sirius, what’s up with you and Moony?”
“Nothing.”
Sirius’s face, however, told a different story. He was bright red. Peter wasn’t sure that he’d ever seen Sirius blush before -- he honestly thought embarrassment had been bred out of the Blacks.
James seemed to notice, as well, and Peter was more than happy to let him take the lead. James tended to be the most effective at needling information out of Sirius, anyway.
“Wait, what happened?”
“I just told you -- nothing.”
“It’s the full moon tonight. You shouldn’t go upsetting him.”
“I didn’t.”
“Come on, tell us what happened and we’ll help you make up.”
“It’s nothing, okay? Just the fucking moon.”
Peter glanced down the table at Remus, who was filling his plate with sausage and eggs for what Peter was pretty sure was the third time.
“Did you get in a fight?” James pressed.
“No.”
“Did you two -- do something?”
“Did we -- what’s that supposed to mean?” spluttered Sirius.
“You know. Whatever it is that two blokes get up to when they share a bed.”
“Keep it down, mate,” said Sirius, looking around anxiously to make sure no one was listening. “We just sleep, okay? You know that.”
But Peter was pretty sure that Sirius was even redder than before.
“Did he -- er -- reject your advances?” asked Peter.
Sirius buried his face in his hands.
“Godric fucking Gryffindor. Nothing happened, okay? We’re fine. He’s just eating breakfast with Lily. He does that all the time!”
Peter exchanged a look with James, who shrugged. Whatever was up, they weren’t going to get it out of Sirius right now.
“Sure, mate. We’ll drop it, then,” said James, thumping Sirius on the back.
***
Remus was pretty sure it was the hunger that woke him up. With how long it took him to recover after a moon these days on top of how much energy the transformation took out of him (not to mention the fact that he didn’t eat anything while he was a wolf), he was used to waking up famished, even when his body was crying out for more rest.
“Re? You awake?”
Remus looked to the side, where he was surprised to find Sirius sitting next to his bed, a sheepish expression on his face.
“Oh. Hi. I wasn’t sure if you’d be here this time.”
Sirius shifted uncomfortably.
“I told you, I’ll always be here. Unless you tell me not to.”
It was said as a statement, but Remus could hear the unspoken question lingering between them.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
Sirius visibly relaxed.
“Okay. Good. James and Peter went to the kitchens for food a little while ago, so they should be here soon.”
“Thank Merlin. I’m starving.”
“I know. It seemed like a pretty rough night.”
Remus mentally scanned his body, taking inventory of what still hurt. His ribs felt bruised and his joints felt stiff.
“I feel about the same as normal.”
“You were pretty beat up this morning. It looked worse than usual.”
Remus shrugged. “Couldn’t have been anything major if Madam Pomfrey fixed me up so quickly.”
“Do you think it’s because we fought?”
Ah. He knew they couldn’t avoid the conversation forever.
“I don’t know,” he replied honestly. “I went back and forth all day yesterday between feeling like shit for that and being furious with you. So I have no idea how the wolf might have felt when the moon rose.”
Sirius was chewing at his lip anxiously.
“I’m sorry I got into your bed.”
Remus sighed. “I’m sorry I -- reacted the way I did. The whole day leading up to the moon is really rough for me. That’s why I’ve always insisted on sleeping alone the night before.”
“So is that going to be how it is forever? Will there always be one night a month where we sleep in separate beds?”
Remus felt his face flush at the implication. Even though they both knew where their relationship was headed, neither one of them spoke about their future very often.
“I don’t know for sure,” he admitted, “but I think it should calm down once I’m older. Adolescence is supposedly the hardest part of being a werewolf.”
He didn’t add, But nobody knows for sure because so few child werewolves reach adulthood. That wouldn’t help.
“I just hate not being able to help you,” said Sirius.
“I get it. But there’s a lot that you’re not going to be able to do anything about, you know? The whole being a werewolf thing isn’t exactly in anyone’s control.”
“Not good enough. Remus Lupin, one day I am going to figure out a way to help you during the full moons.”
Before Remus could respond, he picked up on much more important sounds and smells.
“Food. That’s food. James and Peter must be here.”
Seconds later, the final two Marauders burst through the door, bearing trays loaded with roasted chicken, boiled potatoes, steamed vegetables, and chocolate trifle. Remus was so intent on the food that he didn’t even greet his friends.
“So, everything good?” he vaguely heard James say to Sirius.
“I told you, it was nothing,” came the response.
***
"We should talk, yeah?"
Sirius nodded, his heart pounding. They both knew that as they got older, the nature of being soulmates was changing. He had been hoping they could put the discussion off for one more year, but The Dry Humping Incident, as Sirius had decided to think of it, changed things a bit.
Remus broke eye contact and stared up towards the ceiling. They were lying on Sirius's bed, where Sirius had silently been attending to some scratches from the most recent full moon. Madam Pomfrey had been leaving the wounds that didn't need immediate attention for Sirius to practice healing charms on.
"I know it's weird," Remus started, "that we found each other so young. Most people have time, you know, before."
Sirius frowned. This wasn't exactly how he'd expected this conversation to go.
"Do you... want some time separate from me?" he asked, hesitantly.
"No!" Remus rolled back to face Sirius, and Sirius could see the sincerity in his eyes. "I thought... well...a lot of girls fancy you," he finished lamely.
Sirius blinked. This really wasn't how he'd expected this to go.
"They do?"
"Are you serious?" asked Remus, and then immediately clapped his hand over the other boy's mouth to prevent him from answering that. "Sirius, half the girls at this school can't keep their eyes off you. They burst into giggles as soon as you start talking. Have you not noticed?"
Sirius shrugged. "Girls are always giggling. Isn't that just what they do?"
Remus slowly let out a breath. "Don't you want... Aren't you curious to date some of them? See what it's like? Or even another bloke, really."
Sirius thought about it. He knew that Mr. and Mrs. Potter were soulmates, and that they had both had other partners before finding each other. But...
"I don't see the point, really," he said, carefully watching Remus's expression. "And anyway, can't imagine dating anyone who'd be okay with this." He gestured to the way they were laid out on his bed, inches from each other. "Do you?" He tried to ask it neutrally, but he knew some of his apprehension made it into his voice.
"No," said Remus quickly. "I just don't...I don't want you to regret, you know, never having had those experiences."
Sirius frowned at him. "I don't want you to, either."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Being a werewolf sort of limits my prospects in the dating department. I hear it's not really great to lie to your partner, especially not on a monthly basis."
"You were lying to me about it when we found each other."
That was the phrase they'd been using. "Found each other." It didn't quite make sense, since they had already known each other for a year before discovering they were soulmates, but "got together" definitely didn't describe it, either.
"Yeah, but we weren't dating."
Sirius steeled himself. Now they were coming much closer to where he had thought this conversation was going to go.
"Do you want us to be? Dating, I mean?"
Remus looked like he was deeply considering the question, which made Sirius pretty sure that the answer had to be "no."
"I don't think so," said Remus, quietly. "Not right now. Do you?"
"Not yet."
"I think about it, sometimes," Remus admitted, and Sirius admired the bravery he was showing by maintaining eye contact. "When both our emotions are running high and feeding off each other, sometimes I think that if I... if I kissed you, that it'd help, you know? That it would be comforting."
Sirius nodded. "I know. Me too."
"But I don't want to do it before we're ready. I mean, we're still really young, yeah? And once we do...I don't want to start and stop. I want to just be in it."
Sirius swallowed. Even though he'd always known that soulmate meant forever, it still sent a chill down his spine to hear Remus talking about their future with that much certainty.
"I want that, too," he said, quietly. He was the one to break the eye contact.
"Okay. So we both have to be absolutely certain that we don't want to try dating anyone else first. And then we'll figure it out from there."
Sirius nodded. He felt totally stripped down, totally vulnerable, but he also felt lighter for having had this conversation.
"Just..." continued Remus. "If you do want to see someone else, let me know first? I'd just rather hear it from you."
"Okay. And same to you."
Sirius could tell from Remus's smile that he still didn't think dating was a possibility for him. "Okay," he agreed.
Sirius was tempted to reach out and stroke the other boy's hair, as he often did, but it felt different, now. Remus seemed to feel it, too, because he rolled into his back, making their positions less intimate.
"Thanks for the healing charms."
"Of course."
Sirius usually stayed in Remus's bed the night after he got back from the hospital wing, but he wasn't sure if he should, now. He didn't want things to be awkward, and he didn't know which way would be less so.
He remembered what Mrs. Potter had told them, about checking in with their own wants. He closed his eyes, trying to block out his worries about what Remus wanted, to dig deeper to see what he himself wanted. He pulled his awareness away from the part of him that was always connected to his soulmate.
Remus bolted upright, and Sirius opened his eyes to find the other boy staring at him. He quickly let go of the barriers he'd been constructing, intuitively feeling for what had scared his soulmate. He saw some of the tension fade from Remus's face as he did so. He sat up next to him, hand automatically going to Remus's arm.
"What's wrong?"
"You--you shut yourself off from me. I couldn't feel you."
A wave of guilt crashed over Sirius. He hadn't considered if Remus would be able to feel what he was doing.
"I'm sorry," he said, moving his hand to rub Remus's shoulder. "I was just trying to do what Mrs. Potter had told us -- checking in with ourselves, remember? I guess I must have gone too deep. I didn't realize you'd be able to feel it."
Remus nodded in understanding, his eyes not leaving Sirius's face. He found himself briefly admiring Remus's eyes, grateful that they were at least nice to look at, since they did an awful lot of staring at each other like this.
"And?" Remus asked. "Did it help?"
Sirius shrugged. "It's confusing, you know? It's hard to figure out if I'm putting your own wants over mine when what I want is to make you happy."
Remus grinned. "At least we both agree that my happiness is the priority."
"Listen, is it okay if I stay here for the night? I always worry, right after the moon. But if you want me to--"
"No," Remus cut in. "Stay."
Sirius smiled. It wasn't that awkward after all, really. It was simple, like it had always been.
"Go to sleep," Sirius said, playfully but gently pushing on Remus's shoulder to get him to lie down. "I know you're exhausted."
Remus obliged by lying down and curling up on his side. Sirius heard his breathing deepen in moments, and he felt himself relax. He never really felt the moon was over until these moments, where he could see Remus resting safely and soundly in his bed.
–
Sirius woke up the following morning to find that Remus's head had migrated to his chest overnight, and their legs had tangled together. He almost laughed to himself as he remembered Remus asking him about seeing other people. Even though he and Remus weren't together, they still gravitated towards each other in a way that he imagined would make any potential partners highly uncomfortable.
He stared at his soulmate for a while, enjoying how peaceful looked in his sleep, even the night after a full moon. He knew they both slept better when they were in the same bed, and he really liked thinking that he could provide comfort for Remus, even in his sleep. He liked the way Remus scrunched up his face in his sleep, as if he never stopped thinking. He admired the way the light glinted off Remus's hair, bringing out specks of gold. Without thinking, he reached his hand up and started stroking Remus's hair.
Sirius froze, realizing what he was doing.
They had just talked about this. They had both just agreed that they didn't want to be dating yet. Had he changed his mind overnight? Did his emotions have some cruel sense of humor that involved showing up when they thought it would fuck with Sirius the most?
Surely Sirius was just overthinking this. Nothing had changed since the night before.
He carefully extricated himself from Remus, trying not to wake him. He could tell by the light that it wasn't exactly early, but Remus could honestly sleep all day after a full moon, and they had a free period after breakfast this morning.
Sirius slipped out of the curtains to find James and Peter mostly dressed, getting ready to head down to breakfast.
"How is he?" asked James quietly, gesturing towards Remus's bed.
"Fine. Just tired. I'm going to let him sleep."
James nodded. "You going to breakfast?"
"Yeah. Give me a moment, I'll walk down with you."
Sirius grabbed a clean set of robes from his trunk and quickly went about changing.
As they entered the Great Hall, Sirius realized that Remus had been right. Girls were watching him. He happened to make eye contact with a Ravenclaw as he passed their table, and she immediately burst into giggles. He frowned. How long had this been going on for? And what was he supposed to do about it?
He was still pondering this question as they took their seats.
"All right, Evans?" said James. Sirius looked up to see that James had managed to position himself so he was right next to her.
Lily turned around and glared at all three of them, before getting up to move further down the table. Sirius grinned. At least that was one girl he knew would never fancy him.
James sighed. "She must still be mad about that prank we pulled in Potions last week," he muttered.
Peter and Sirius both snorted. "Which one, d'ya reckon?" asked Peter. "The one where you pretended to be poisoned by your own potion?"
"The one where you squirted shampoo into Snivellus's cauldron?" asked Sirius.
"The one where you bewitched the chalk to add a 'y' to the end of Slughorn's name on the board?"
"Hey, that one was me," said Sirius, proudly.
"At this rate, she'll never get over all the pranks we've pulled," moaned James, burying his face in his hands. Sirius clapped his shoulder.
"Don't worry, Jamesie, old chap. We'll find a lass somewhere who has a decent sense of humor."
This did not seem to cheer James up. Luckily, at that moment, Remus joined them.
"Moony!" exclaimed Sirius, ignoring the way his heart thumped in his chest at the sight of his friend. "I thought you'd still be sleeping."
"Can't. Have some work to catch up on during my free period."
"Moons, you have a ready-made excuse to be behind on work, and you never use it," teased James. "What sort of Marauder are you?"
"One who wants to make sure he can get a job someday."
Sirius frowned. "You don't need to, you know."
Remus looked up at him. "What?"
"I mean..." He suddenly felt very awkward. He knew that Remus never liked to take things from others, even from Sirius, but he had always assumed that would change when they grew up. He shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant. "What's mine is yours, and all that."
He looked around to find all three of his friends staring at him like he had just said something unbelievably dumb. He mentally kicked himself. He always managed to screw up conversations about money.
"Forget it," he said quickly. He looked at Remus, hoping he could see the apology in his eyes. Remus frowned at him, but then, amazingly, let it drop.
"Well, I want to, anyway. Work, I mean. And it'll be harder for me to get a job than any of you, so..." Remus let the sentence dangle. None of them said anything. They were all too aware of the realities facing their werewolf friend to try to contradict him.
After breakfast, they split up. James and Peter headed to Divination, and Sirius walked with Remus towards the library.
"Maybe I should study in the common room," suggested Sirius as they climbed the stairs to the third floor. "We both know I won't let either of us focus if I go to the library with you." He grimaced internally at how suggestive the words sounded once he'd said them, knowing that the day before his mind would not have filled with such interesting tactics for providing distraction...
Remus grinned, unaware of Sirius's emotional turmoil. "We both know Madam Pince wouldn't let you step one foot inside there."
They paused on the landing and regarded each other. An instinct deep inside Sirius urged him to accompany Remus, to look after him no matter what, but he knew he'd drive them both mad if he shadowed the boy everywhere.
"See you in History of Magic, then?"
"Okay," said Remus. "Try to get some homework done before then, yeah?"
Sirius flashed a smile at him as he turned to walk up to Gryffindor Tower.
The common room was mostly empty. Sirius grabbed an armchair by the fire and pulled out his Transfiguration book. It was one of only two subjects that he regularly did better than Remus in, and he didn't want to lose his edge.
"Hey, Black." Sirius looked up and found Mary grinning at him from the chair next to his. "You have a free period, too?"
"Yeah," he said. "Just doing some of the reading for Transfiguration."
"You're already the best in the class. I'm surprised you bother with the homework."
Sirius hummed in response, gaze already turning back to his book.
"Want to go for a walk with me instead? It's really nice out."
Sirius frowned. He was starting to understand why Remus got so frustrated when the others constantly interrupted his reading.
"No thanks. Just trying to get through this so I'm not bogged down on the weekend."
"Maybe some other time, then?"
Sirius was starting to realize that he was missing something in this interaction. He and Mary weren't especially close. They got along, but they'd never really spent any time together. Maybe he was reading too much into it. Maybe she really did just fancy a walk.
"Sure," he said slowly. "Next time James, Peter, Remus, and I are wandering the grounds, I could let you know?"
"Oh, I thought maybe it could be just the two of us," said Mary.
Sirius was panicking slightly. He'd always admired Mary's tenacity, but right now, he'd much rather she would accept his attempts to redirect the conversation and stop pushing it.
"Hm, maybe," he said, grabbing his bag. "Think I'm going to go study up in the dorm. See you around, Mary."
With that, he bolted up the steps, not glancing back at her. He closed the door to the dorm behind him and leaned against it, his heart pounding.
He tried to check in with himself, without completely pulling away from his connection with Remus. What was he feeling that made him run from the room?
Awkward, definitely. He didn't want to upset Mary, not when they would still see each other in class every day.
And maybe a little guilty. Even though Remus had said it was okay, Sirius felt a little bad for even having that conversation with Mary. And he felt a little guilty that Mary had no way of knowing he'd already met his soulmate.
But deeper than that, he found that he just wasn't interested. Going for a walk with Mary didn't sound nearly as interesting as sitting in the library with Remus, or discussing Quidditch with James, or playing chess with Peter. Was that normal?
He dropped his bag of books on his bed, Transfiguration homework forgotten. He dug through his trunk for a different book, one he'd bought about a year ago but hadn't really read yet. There it was: Meant to Be: A Guide to Dating and Soulmating.
He had glanced through it previously, but so much of what it covered was just not relevant yet. And he thought some of it never would be; after all, the book really wasn't prepared for the possibility that your soulmate might be a werewolf.
He glanced at the table of contents and flipped to chapter 7: "Other Relationships." He skimmed over all the stuff about the importance of maintaining other friendships, of not putting the weight of the world on your soulmate. Finally, he found what he was looking for.
Many people are able to pursue other romantic partners before they've met their soulmate, even after the marks have started to appear. However, all reports indicate that, once the two have met, the ability to feel that same type of attraction towards anyone else has diminished to the point where pursuing other romantic relationships is unfulfilling, and often ends in all parties being hurt.
There it was, then. Maybe it wasn't that he was developing feelings faster than Remus; maybe it was just the bond.
He stared at the page, wondering if he should tell Remus. They hardly kept anything from each other these days, but this was different. He didn't want Remus to think that he was pressuring him for a relationship before Remus was ready. And anyway, what if Remus was curious about seeing someone else? Sirius didn't want him to feel guilty if that was something he was considering.
Sirius flopped backwards onto his bed. No, he wouldn't tell Remus about this, not yet. Remus put too much stake in what books said. Sirius wanted him to feel whatever he was going to feel, not what a book told him to.
That decided, he turned back to Transfiguration. Remus had told him to get some work done, after all.
***
Remus looked around as he entered the library, wondering if any of his friends were there. He spotted Marlene just as she seemed to spot him. She nudged Lily, and the two girls turned around to glance at him, and then broke into giggles.
Remus did not know what to make of that. Should he sit somewhere else? They'd already seen him, so he couldn't very well sneak back out. So he kept walking towards their table, keeping an eye out for other possible escape routes.
“Okay if I sit here?” he asked once he'd reached them, indicating the chair next to Marlene.
“Oh, wouldn't you rather sit there?” Marlene replied, pointing to the empty chair across the table, next to Lily.
Confused but not wanting to add to whatever was going on, he sat down at the chair Marlene had indicated. For some reason, this caused the two of them to start giggling again. Remus ignored it, instead pulling out his Arithmancy homework.
He frowned at it for a few minutes, not yet focusing on it. This was more giggling than he was used to from the two of them. Maybe Sirius had been right; maybe this was just something girls did.
“Are you going to Hogsmeade this weekend, Remus?” asked Lily. He looked back up at them.
“Dunno. I'll have to check with the others to see what they want to do.”
“You don't have to. I've never understood why you spend all your time with them, anyway.”
Remus sighed. It was a conversation they'd had a million times before. Because Sirius and James were loud and quickly took responsibility for their pranks, Lily thought they were childish and irresponsible. Because Remus was quiet and much better at not getting caught, Lily thought that he was mature, and no amount of insistence on Remus's part could convince her otherwise.
Not wanting to repeat the old argument, he simply said, “I like hanging out with them. We usually do Hogsmeade together.”
“Well, I've heard that Sirius might be going with Mary this time,” Marlene whispered, leaning forward conspiratorially.
Remus felt his insides turn cold. “Really? Where'd you hear that from?”
“Mary,” said Marlene. “She seemed pretty confident he was going to ask her. It makes sense, doesn't it? Hottest guy in our year, hottest girl in our year....”
“He hasn't mentioned anything about it to me,” said Remus, more to himself than to them.
“Exactly,” said Lily. “See? He clearly doesn't feel obligated to check with you before making plans. You deserve to spend the trip however you'd like to.”
Remus was having trouble following the logic of this conversation. He was fairly confident that Sirius had no interest in Mary, but Marlene and Lily seemed equally confident that he did.
“I'm not going with anyone, either,” said Lily, interrupting his train of thought. “You could go with me, if you like.”
Remus's heart skipped a beat. Why did she think that Sirius was the only one he wanted to go with? Had he accidentally revealed something? He thought back, reexamining his reaction to Marlene's revelation about Sirius and Mary.
“Oh, well, if Sirius has a date, James, Pete, and I will make do without him,” Remus said, hurriedly. When he saw the hurt on Lily's face, he hastily added, “But you're welcome to join us, if you'd like.”
This was apparently the wrong thing to say, as Lily's eyes narrowed.
“I'd rather go alone,” she snapped, gathering up her books. She stormed out of the library. Marlene shot him a withering look before following her.
Remus sat at the table, completely confused as to what had just happened and where he had erred.
–
Later, Remus recounted the strange interaction to Sirius while they worked together in Herbology to collect Bubotuber pus. To his surprise, Sirius laughed.
“I always suspected that Evans sort of fancied you,” he said. Remus gaped at him. “What?”
“That's what you got from that? That Lily fancies me?”
Sirius furrowed his brow. “Of course. Didn't you?”
“I – I don't know! The whole thing was so strange.” Remus wanted to add that it didn't seem likely to him that Lily would like Remus when someone like James was so obviously interested in her, but he knew that having that sort of conversation with Sirius was useless.
“Would it have changed how you responded? If you thought she fancied you?”
“No,” said Remus immediately. “No, because it wouldn't change the fact that I don't fancy her.” He paused, then added, “Or the fact that James would murder me.”
“I wouldn't let him.”
“What about you, then? Any truth to the rumor that you'll be asking Mary to Hogsmeade?” Remus was striving to keep his tone casual, just as Sirius had done. It felt like a pointless but necessary exercise, to maintain the appearance of indifference towards each other's love lives while they were in this in-between space.
“Well,” said Sirius, focused on the Bubotuber plant in front of them. “I, er, hid from her this morning.”
Remus let out a laugh that he tried to disguise as a cough. “Did you?”
“I panicked!” Sirius said. “She was going on and on about us going for a walk, and she wouldn't take a hint, so I ran up to our room.” A flush was creeping up Sirius's pale cheeks, and Remus took a moment to drink in the sight of it.
“So looks like we're both dateless for the weekend, then.”
Sirius grinned at him. “Seems that way.”
“Pity.”
“A real shame,” Sirius agreed.
Remus glanced across the room and saw Lily and Mary working on their own plant, and shooting glares their way. Remus sighed. He still wasn't sure if Sirius's theory about Lily was right, but he didn't know how to fix things, regardless.
“Do me a favor and don't tell James what you suspect,” Remus said.
“Of course not. I rather like you alive.”