Year Three
Sirius seemed subdued this summer. Not in a dark mood like he sometimes got, but just...preoccupied.
James had been pondering on it since his friend had arrived the week before, and he was starting to put together a theory. Normally, he was the last one in their group, other than perhaps Sirius himself, to put together theories like this; Peter and Remus were both much more observant and good at noticing patterns. But James and Sirius were like brothers, and that gave him a leg up here.
But the only way to find out if he was right was to ask, and James was pretty certain he’d muck that part up.
“Sirius,” he began one afternoon, as they were skipping rocks in a pond on the grounds, “I wanted to ask you about something before the others arrive tomorrow.”
“Sure thing, Jamie,” said Sirius as he skipped another rock. The pond wasn’t really big enough for this activity, but that never stopped them from trying.
“You’ve seemed a little distracted this week,” he began, “and I was thinking...well...does the reason why have something to do with Remus?”
Sirius paused midway through searching for another stone. “What do you mean?”
“It’s just, I know you and he have always been close in a different way than you and I have, and this week especially, I’ve noticed how you get whenever you start talking about him, and I was just wondering if you, you know, like him.” Sirius still hadn’t moved, so James rushed on. “I mean, it’s okay if you do, you know. I just...you can tell me, you know?”
Sirius exhaled loudly through his nose. “Yeah. I do.” He looked up at James. “You won’t tell anyone, will you?”
“Of course not. Not if you don’t want me to. And, I get why you don’t want Remus to know, but Peter won’t care, either. Just so you know.”
Sirius shook his head. “I don’t want anyone to know yet.”
“Okay. Okay, that’s fine. I can keep it secret.”
“Thanks, Jamie.”
“Of course.”
***
There was no doubt about it: Sirius was acting differently towards him. Where just a few months ago he’d been constantly in easy contact with all three of them, now Sirius was regularly sprawled across James and Peter in a way that seemed to pointedly exclude Remus. Any time the two of them were alone, Sirius would make an excuse to go running after the others.
“It’s not in my head, right?” Remus asked James and Peter one morning over breakfast before Sirius was up. “He’s definitely treating me differently.”
Peter gave him a sad smile. James looked uncomfortable.
“You know how Sirius gets sometimes. Maybe he’s just in a mood.”
Remus shook his head. “This is different. And I think it’s pretty clear what must be going on.”
“It is?” asked James.
“He’s realized he’s not actually comfortable being close to a werewolf,” said Remus bitterly.
Peter sighed. “I’ve been trying to think of other possibilities, but that’s all I’ve come up with, too.”
It shouldn’t hurt as much as it did, really. Remus had always known that people didn’t make friends with werewolves, but he’d let himself believe it when the others had told him they didn’t care.
James was looking between the two of them with wide eyes.
“You can’t really believe that. Not Sirius. Why would he suddenly care about that?”
Remus shrugged. “What else could explain it?”
***
“Sirius!”
“Huh?” replied Sirius, stumbling into wakefulness. He’d been having a really pleasant dream about running through a forest…
“Sirius, wake up! I need to talk to you about something.” That was James, in Sirius’s room, whispering frantically.
“Wha’s wrong?”
“Listen, mate, Remus and Peter have noticed that you’re acting funny towards Remus.”
That woke Sirius up. “What? Did you tell --”
“No, of course I didn’t tell. But listen, they think that the reason you’re being weird is because Remus is a werewolf.”
“What? How could they think that?”
“I know, I told them they were being crazy. But you have to get it together and go back to treating him how you always have, okay? Otherwise he’s going to start pushing us away again.”
Sirius gulped. “Right. I can do that.”
--
Sirius took a deep, fortifying breath before entering the sunroom, where the others were eating breakfast.
“Morning, lads,” he said, as cheerfully as possible, trying to act like “lads” was something he said all the time. He took the empty chair between Remus and James. “Sleep well?”
“Not as well as you, it seems,” said Peter, raising an eyebrow at him.
“I always sleep well when I know there will be sausage for breakfast,” Sirius replied, using his fork to steal a piece off of Remus’s plate. He chewed thoroughly and began loading his own plate from the platters in the middle of the table, ignoring the surprised look that Remus and Peter were sharing.
***
“That was you, right?” Peter said to James as soon as Remus and Sirius had left to take dirty dishes to the kitchen.
“What was me?” asked James, trying not to look guilty.
“You got Sirius to start treating Remus normally again.”
James shrugged.
“That means it’s not about him being a werewolf.”
“I already told you it’s not about that.”
Peter was watching him shrewdly.
“That means that you know what it is about.”
James shrugged again. Peter leaned back in his chair.
“Interesting.”
***
Sirius was already at the hospital wing when Madam Pomfrey came back with Remus on a stretcher. He wasn't sure how she'd feel about his presence there, but she sighed and motioned for him to follow her to the private room at the back.
“Is he okay?” Sirius whispered, scanning Remus for injury.
“He's fine, dear. Just needs his sleep. You can sit with him, if you like. Let me know if he wakes up.”
Madam Pomfrey left. Sirius emptied the chocolate in his pockets onto the bedside table, and then crawled onto the bed next to Remus.
It was almost more painful knowing that Remus's scars were caused by himself than if they had been caused by someone else. Sirius longed for a target, someone he could defeat to save his friend from more pain.
He yawned. He'd been up most of the night, hoping Remus was okay. He adjusted his position against Remus's pillow and closed his eyes.
–
Remus woke up to find Sirius's arm wrapped around him. Still feeling sore and stiff, he slowly turned his head to look at the other boy.
Remus liked the way Sirius looked in his sleep. He looked so calm and quiet, and his aristocratic facial structure made it easy to imagine that he was an elegant, if spoiled, brat.
It was painful to imagine a Sirius who had grown up with a family he liked. On the one hand, the family he did have was so awful that Remus was relieved his friend rejected them. On the other hand, he wanted nothing more than for Sirius to have grown up surrounded by supportive, loving parents.
Sirius shifted slightly and Remus suddenly found himself looking into gray eyes.
“Morning, Moony.”
“I think it might be afternoon, Sirius. Did I wake you?”
“Don't think so. How are you feeling?”
“Sore,” Remus admitted. “I should probably let Madam Pomfrey know I'm awake.”
“Yeah, I'll go fetch her.”
***
Remus had become accustomed to thinking of the library as his space. There were other students there, of course, but his friends knew that he went to the library to get away from them and focus.
The other Gryffindors in his year, however, hadn't gotten the memo.
“Mind if we sit here?”
Remus looked up to see Lily, Marlene, Mary, and Dorcas. He frowned. People made jokes about how close the Marauders were, but the four Gryffindor girls were the tightest pack of friends he'd met. They had an annoying habit of even going to the toilets together, but people didn't comment on that sort of thing when girls were the ones doing it.
“Of course not,” Remus said, smiling politely.
“What are you working on?” asked Mary as the four of them sat down. “I haven't even started that Charms assignment, have you?”
“Oh, this isn't homework,” Remus admitted. “I was taking a break with this.” He held the book up so they could see the cover.
“A Wind in the Door,” read Dorcas. “Is that a Muggle book?”
“Yes,” said Remus, somewhat defensively.
“I didn't know you liked Muggle books,” said Lily, grabbing the novel out of his hand. “This is the sequel to A Wrinkle in Time, right? I haven't read this one yet.”
“My mum's a Muggle,” Remus replied. “She has the whole family hooked on Muggle science fiction.”
“You're a half-blood?” asked Lily. “I don't think I knew that.”
Remus shrugged. “Does it matter?”
“Well, of course not. Not like that, anyway. But I am trying to start up a bit of a club to raise awareness about the prejudice that Muggleborns face, and I've been looking for other people who might be interested in helping me organize it...”
Remus saw Mary and Marlene exchange a look that he took to mean that they'd heard Lily give this speech a thousand times before.
“Oh,” said Remus, because he wasn't sure what else to say.
“The anti-Muggle rhetoric has gone largely ignored over the past decade or so. Many wizards believe that since Muggles are no longer regularly hunted for sport, we've achieved equality. Students at a lot of other schools are organizing to bring awareness to how far we still have to go, and I think it's shameful that Hogwarts, which is one of the most prestigious wizarding schools, is so behind on this issue.”
“Er...” said Remus. He felt a little out of his element, which was unusual for him. While he didn't disagree with anything Lily said, he was also painfully aware that she knew vastly more about this topic than he did.
After all, the prejudice he'd faced for his blood status was laughable compared to that of being a werewolf.
“I've finally secured a faculty adviser, so we should have our first meeting soon. I'll let you know once we've scheduled it. You'll come, won't you?”
Remus looked at the other three girls, bewildered. Mary grinned at the look on his face. Marlene shrugged, and Dorcas rolled her eyes.
“Er, if I can, yes,” he managed. Lily beamed at him.
“Are we going to study, or what?” asked Mary. Lily shot her a look and huffed as she pulled out her Charms textbook.
Remus glanced at his watch. The ten minutes he'd set aside to read his novel had just about passed. He sighed and stuffed A Wind in the Door back into his bag, retrieving his own Charms textbook.
James entered the common room and froze at the sight before his eyes. Lily Evans was standing by the fire, smiling and talking to Remus. James's heart thudded with suspicion and betrayal before he remembered that Remus already had a soulmate, and it was decidedly not Lily. He opted for excitement and curiosity instead, hoping that his friend's closeness with the object of his desire would help his own case.
“This guy bothering you, Evans?” James said as he approached the pair of them. Lily gave him a withering look, smiled at Remus, and walked away. “What was that all about?”
Remus shrugged. “She's starting a club called the Wizard/Muggle Alliance and wants me to come to their first meeting on Thursday.”
James frowned. “Why did she invite you?”
“She mentioned it to me when we were studying in the library once...”
“Whoa, hang on. You've been sneaking off to the library to study with Evans?” James felt the jealousy wash over him. Remus shot him an irritated expression.
“Really? Are we doing this?”
“Come on, Moony, can you blame me for being jealous? What if I told you that Sirius and I had been spending all sorts of time together without you?”
Remus raised an eyebrow. “You and Sirius do spend all sorts of time together without me.”
That's different, James wanted to say, but he caught himself. Why should it be different, anyway? If anything, Remus had more of a right to know what Sirius was up to than James did with Lily.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“And I'm not sneaking off to be alone with her. I'm just in the library, and sometimes she and the other girls are there. Believe it or not, a lot of people use the library.”
“Okay, okay. I get it. The library's super cool, and Sirius and I should have tried harder not to be banned from it last year. So, what's this club that Evans is starting?”
“It's some activism club about better treatment for Muggles and Muggleborns.”
“Are you going?”
“I think so. I told her I would.”
“Great. We can go together.”
“James,” Remus said, shooting him a calculating look, “Lily takes this issue really seriously, okay? If you go to her meeting, you really have to shut up and listen if you don't want to ruin your chances forever.”
“Come on. I'm the least prejudiced wizard there is! It'll be fine.”
But when Remus looked at him disbelievingly, James made a mental note to take his friend's advice into consideration.
“I didn't even know third-years could start clubs,” Peter whispered as they entered the classroom. A couple other students were already sitting inside, including the Gryffindor girls in their year. James had been expecting Sirius and Peter to need to be convinced to come to the meeting, but it seemed that both of them would rather join the other two Marauders than hang out in the dorm.
“Evans isn't just any third-year,” said James. “She's brilliant.” He ignored the way Remus rolled his eyes and how Sirius pretended to gag.
At the front of the room was Lily, standing with a professor that James had seen before, but didn't know by name. Lily's eyes narrowed when she saw them, and she purposefully turned to talk to the professor.
James grabbed them seats right at the front. The only extra-curricular he'd had any interest in before was Quidditch, and he wasn't quite sure what to expect. He frowned to himself, wondering if he should've brought a quill to take notes.
“If I can have your attention, I believe we are ready to begin,” said the Professor. “For those of you who don't know me, I am Professor Egg.“ James heard Sirius snort behind him. “I teach Muggle Studies, and I hope to see many of you in my class in years to come. Ms. Evans came up with the idea for this club and sought me out, and I was more than happy to supervise.” He smiled at Lily, nodding to her to take the lead.
Lily cleared her throat. “I decided to start this club after noticing a certain pattern among wizards. See, I'm Muggleborn, and I've seen people's behavior towards me change when they learn that. It's assumed that my family can't understand this world, and no attempt is made to help bridge the gap. And it's assumed that no witch or wizard would even care to understand their world.”
James frowned, feeling angry at anyone who would treat Lily badly just because her parents are Muggles.
“Did you know that Professor Egg is the only Muggleborn professor at Hogwarts?” Lily continued, her voice growing stronger. “Minister Jenkins is Britain's first ever Muggleborn Minister, and the Prophet criticizes her more than any past Minister.” James was impressed that Lily kept up with the Prophet. He certainly didn't get a subscription delivered personally, although he'd sometimes glance at the headlines over the holidays. “As long as the magical world keeps ignoring this inequality and insisting that prejudice based on blood status is a thing of the past, we will never be able to move forward.”
James burst into applause, and heard a couple snickers as he was the only one to do so. Lily glared at him.
Professor Egg had them go around the room to introduce themselves. It was a small enough group, consisting of 5 Hufflepuffs, 3 Ravenclaws, and 2 other Gryffindors in addition to those in their year. He was impressed to see that there were several older students, who were looking at Lily with respect despite their age difference.
“Of course there aren't any Slytherins,” James couldn't help but comment.
Professor Egg smiled at him. “There are many different types of prejudice, Mr. Potter. It is not only those who are most vocal about their biases who have to seek change.”
James nodded, not totally sure he understood what that meant.
They spent the rest of the hour discussing the goals for the club. Lily wanted to petition to make Muggle Studies a required course. One of the Hufflepuffs suggested organizing a training for professors on sensitivity around issues involving a Muggle parent. A Ravenclaw girl wanted to form a parent group that brought Muggle and magical parents together.
James mostly listened, remembering Remus's advice. He wasn't entirely sure that he agreed that any of these ideas were necessary. He had heard that Muggle Studies was the dullest class offered, which was why he hadn't signed up for it. He spent a good deal of the time admiring how fierce Lily looked when she was determined to make change.
“You guys go ahead,” he told his friends as the meeting wrapped up. Sirius wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. James ignored him and approached Lily.
“That was really great, Evans.” She turned and frowned at him.
“What are you doing here, Potter?” she asked suspiciously.
“Remus mentioned it to me, and I thought it sounded cool. I was really mad when you said how people treat you differently because you're Muggleborn. I mean, it's not your parents' fault that they're Muggles.”
Lily stared at him with a look that he thought might be disbelief.
“You, Potter,” she finally said, “are part of the problem.”
And with that, she stormed out.
“You're an idiot, James,” said Remus, once James had joined them back in the dorm and recounted his conversation with Lily.
“I still don't understand why she got so mad. I was agreeing with her.”
Remus sighed. He was starting to understand more and more why Lily had been so passionate about starting this club. “Yeah, but you were doing it in a way that still implied that wizards are better than Muggles.”
Remus watched James and Sirius exchange a look.
“And they're...not...” said James slowly, looking to Remus to see if he got it right.
“That's the idea Lily's trying to convey, yeah.”
“But every Muggle wants to be a wizard,” said Peter.
“And wizards have all sorts of powers that Muggles don't. Doesn't that kind of put us higher?” asked Sirius.
“No wizard wants to be a werewolf,” snapped Remus. “Does that make me lower than the rest of you?”
“Whoa, Moony, of course not, that's not what any of us were saying,” said Sirius, looking panicked.
“You can't think any of us is honestly prejudiced,” said James.
Remus rolled his eyes. “Were you listening to what Lily said at all?”
“Of course I was,” huffed James.
“Then you'll remember that she said that not every act of prejudice is on purpose. If we really want to create a world where everything is equal, then we have to look at how attitudes towards Muggles influence all of us, not just at the worst among us.”
“So what, just by being a pure-blood I'm already guilty?” asked James.
“We're all guilty of this, James. The idea is that we have to be able to examine our own internal biases.”
“Where do you learn this stuff, Moony?” asked Sirius.
“My mother is a sociology professor.” When Remus saw his friends look back at him blankly, he clarified, “That means she teaches about society and what's wrong with it.”
“So being a bookworm runs in the family,” observed James.
“Speaking of which, if you really want to do right by Lily here, I'm sure there are plenty of books where you could read up on some of these concepts....”
James groaned. “I have to do research to get her to like me?”
“No,” Remus sighed. “I'm suggesting you do research to learn more about equality for all humans. You know, because that's a good goal to strive towards.”
“That sounds even more boring.”
“Suit yourself. Just remember that not all of us can afford to find it boring.”
Remus glanced over at Sirius to find the other boy staring at him. He grinned when Remus caught his eye.
“You should be leading that club, Moony. I think you just guilted James into thinking about someone besides himself!”
James threw a pillow at him.
***
Remus woke up slowly. He felt warm, and much more comfortable than he normally did the morning after a transformation.
He turned his head to the side and saw that Sirius had fallen asleep on the bed next to him. Remus grinned. Sirius always fussed over him after the moon.
But then he froze as he realized something was unusual about Sirius. His smooth skin was marked with bruises and scratches. Remus swallowed as he lifted his forearm next to Sirius's to compare the two.
“Moony.”
Remus's eyes snapped away from the damning evidence of their matching marks, up to Sirius's eyes. Sirius looked apprehensive, almost scared. He reached a hand towards Remus.
“Moony – it's okay – “
But Remus didn't wait to hear whatever he was going to say. He jerked away from Sirius and scrambled out of the bed. Before the other boy could respond, Remus was out the door, on his way to the Room.
Something ugly bubbled in his gut. All the times he'd thought about meeting his soulmate, he hadn't pictured this. That look in Sirius's eye – Remus knew that could only mean that Sirius already knew. He knew they were soulmates, and he had kept it hidden from Remus.
Was he ashamed? Remus couldn't imagine that he was what Sirius imagined when he thought about his soulmate: a shabby, bookish werewolf.
A male werewolf.
Remus had arrived outside the Room. He leaned his forehead against the door.
I just need to think for a bit, he thought, picturing his parents' study back home.
He walked in to find a small, cozy room with a fireplace, armchair, and plenty of books. Remus curled up in the chair and immediately found a blanket to wrap around himself.
His soulmate was a boy.
Remus felt like he should be more surprised, but, well, it was Sirius. Sirius was beautiful. Remus doubted that anyone in their year, regardless of gender, wouldn't be at least a little into him. It wasn't like his soulmate was someone like Snape, or even someone like James or Peter, for that matter.
No, he wasn't upset that his soulmate was Sirius. He was upset that Sirius had so clearly known and apparently had felt no need to share this info with Remus.
He sighed. Well, fine. If Sirius wanted to pretend like they weren't soulmates, Remus could pretend they weren't soulmates. It didn't change anything, really.
Remus let his head flop back against the armchair and tried to convince himself that he believed that.
***
“Fuck,” said Sirius, burying his head in his hands. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“Sirius? Wha’s happening?” said James’s voice.
Oh, nothing, Sirius imagined saying. Remus just found out that we’re soulmates and practically ran away screaming.
“Nothing. Go back to sleep.”
But fuck. He’d had so long to grow accustomed to the idea that Remus was his soulmate, had been indulging in the instinct to become closer to him. He still hadn’t intended to tell Remus about the marks, but he also hadn’t imagined that Remus would react so strongly if he did find out.
He cast a Tempus charm. It was still early.
Remus should still be in bed, recovering from the moon, he thought guiltily. Sirius considered going after him, but, given what had just happened, he wasn’t sure if Remus would want to see him at the moment.
***
“Remus,” Sirius said softly, double-checking to make sure James and Peter were still in the bathroom as he approached the other boy’s bed. He wasn’t sure the last time he’d called Remus by his full first name, and it felt odd on his tongue.
“Hm?” said Remus, not looking up from his book.
“Do you want me to sleep here tonight?” It felt beyond uncomfortable to ask, but Sirius had to know. He didn’t want to hurt Remus further by guessing, and it was killing him to not be able to do something after the moon.
“If you like,” replied Remus, still not looking up.
“We both know that I’d like to. I’m asking what you’d like.”
That got Remus to look up.
“What do you mean, we both know that you’d like to?”
Sirius frowned in confusion. “Well. I’ve known for months, and I’ve still been sleeping here after the full, haven't I?”
Remus mirrored his frown. “I assumed that was because you felt...I don’t know, obligated, or something.”
“Why would I feel obligated?”
“I don’t know! Out of misplaced pity, or a sense of duty, or something like that.”
“I -- listen, can we talk about this on your bed? I just don’t know when James and Peter will be back.”
Remus scooted to the side so that Sirius could sit down and close the curtains behind him.
“I’m not being nice to you out of pity. How could you think that?”
“You knew, and you didn’t tell me. What am I supposed to think?”
“You’re the rational one! I assumed you’d come to the rational conclusion that I was afraid of how you’d react!”
“Afraid?”
Sirius laughed without humor. “Moony, do you even like boys?”
“I -- do you?”
“Yes,” said Sirius, thinking it wasn’t necessary to point out that he mostly liked one boy.
“I’ve never really thought about it before,” admitted Remus.
“And now?”
“I’m not really sure, I guess. But Sirius, even if you like boys, you could do a lot better than me.”
Sirius frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re...you know.” Remus broke off in a yawn and gestured vaguely at Sirius in a way that left him more confused.
“I’m what?”
“A lot of people fancy you.”
“Who fancies me?”
Remus yawned again.
“Shit, Moony, I’m sorry, I forgot how exhausted you must be,” said Sirius. “We don’t have to do this now.”
Remus nuzzled closer to his pillow. “I’d like you to stay,” said Remus as he closed his eyes, “if you want to.”
“Okay. What were you going to say about me, though?”
“You’re very pretty,” mumbled Remus, his breaths evening out.
“Pretty?” repeated Sirius, but there was no answer from Remus, who was sound asleep.
--
Remus was still asleep when Sirius got out of bed the next morning.
“Did you two make up, then?” asked James as they made their way to the bathroom.
“Think so.” Sirius examined his reflection as James began brushing his teeth. “Jamie, would you describe me as pretty?”
James nearly choked on his toothpaste. He quickly spat and rinsed his mouth.
“Pretty? I dunno, mate, isn’t that really for girls?”
“That’s what I thought. So if someone calls a boy ‘pretty,’ it’s a bad thing, right?”
“Well, I dunno. Who said you were pretty?”
“Remus.”
“He did? Sirius, that’s great!”
“It is?”
“Yeah. Come on, Remus would never say something like that as an insult. If he’s the one who said it, it must have been a good thing.”
“I don’t know.”
“Listen, you guys made up, he let you sleep in his bed, and he called you pretty? He must like you.”
Sirius shook his head. “I don’t think he meant it that way. I think he meant more like other people think I’m pretty.”
“I still think it’s a good thing,” insisted James.
Sirius squeezed toothpaste onto his own toothbrush. “Maybe,” he allowed. “I guess we’ll see.”