If...

Severus couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned in his bed. It was an old, small metal bed that creaked every time he moved. The mattress, unchanged since his childhood, was incredibly uncomfortable. If it hadn't been for Lily living under his roof, he would have slept in his room at Hogwarts. In fact, Lily was the cause of his insomnia. Her dirty brat had had the nerve to call him daddy. And since then, she had barely spoken to him, only throwing trivialities at him when she did.

A tear ran down his cheek. Harry wasn't a dirty brat and he knew it. But why on earth had he called him daddy? Did he resemble his despicable progenitor in any way? Did he really look like a father?

His mind was foggy. Much as he hated to admit it, he had grown fond of the boy, who was quiet and rather intelligent - quite the opposite of James Potter. Of course, Harry was only fifteen months old, but Severus had feared having a loud, disruptive, messy child in his home. Then again, Severus had never wanted to get close to a child. Yet here he was, a teacher at Hogwarts, a job that forced him to deal with unruly, lazy and stupid children on a daily basis. As for fatherhood, Severus had never considered it, nor had he ever wanted it. His own father had been a tyrant and had never loved him. By not procreating, Severus would be doing humanity a favour, for his father's genes - and his own - would not be passed on.

He tossed and turned, but sleep wouldn't come. He could have stayed in his room, perfecting his potion protocols in his old notebook, but he hated that room. There were damp stains on the walls, cobwebs on the ceiling and behind some of the furniture, and dust on the floor. So he decided to end his night in the living room. Perhaps he would fall asleep on the sofa after writing in his notebook for a while. But as he started down the stairs, he saw that the light was on... Lily. Severus could have sworn she was asleep. He couldn't remember hearing her leave her room. Perhaps he had been too lost in his dark thoughts to notice a sound.

When she heard him, she turned abruptly. She was sitting on the sofa, a blanket draped over her shoulders.

"Sorry," he said. "I didn't know you were down here."

"It's nothing," she replied with a smile.

She had been crying, or was still crying, as she frantically wiped her face with the sleeves of her pyjamas.

"I was just leaving," she added.

"I don't want to chase you away. You can stay."

He quickly descended the remaining steps and moved closer to her. The clock showed it was an hour past midnight.

"Lily... I want you to know that I didn't want Harry to call me..."

"Daddy," she finished.

Severus nodded, defeated.

"I know... I don't blame you... Really."

He sat down next to her on the sofa, but didn't dare look at her. She had adjusted the blanket around her shoulders, her eyes fixed on her toes.

"Daddy... That was the word James was trying to teach Harry. He still hoped to hear him say it on the day he died. But it never happened."

Sadness and bitterness mixed in her voice. Severus had no respect for James Potter, but he could well imagine what Lily must be feeling. It was as if Severus had been given a gift he never wanted, one that was never meant for him.

"I don't know what to say."

"There's nothing to say... It's not your fault, or mine, or Harry's. Just this damned fate."

He had rarely heard Lily use such coarse language. Had Mrs Evans been alive, she would surely have scolded her daughter. She was a kind woman who always made sure her daughters remained polite in all circumstances.

"I just want to forget about what happened today."

"And what if it happens again?" Severus asked worriedly.

Lily sighed. Harry was still a toddler and there was a good chance that the forbidden word would slip from his lips again.

"I don't know, Sev," Lily replied, annoyed.

He had the distinct feeling that she was hiding something from him, that she wanted to share a thought with him but didn't dare.

"Lily... You know you can tell me anything."

She hesitated for a few seconds. Her emerald green eyes studied him with a certain fear.

"As soon as I'm sure that Harry and I are out of danger, we'll leave. It's only a matter of days... At least I hope so."

That had always been the plan. Lily and Harry would stay until all the signals were clear. But Severus did not want to be separated from Lily any longer... He loved her so much. She was the reason he got up every day, the reason he ate, breathed and drank...

But he would never interfere with her choices. All that mattered to him was that she lived and was happy.

"I understand," he replied without looking at her.

"Just know that it doesn't change anything between us. I'm happy to have found you again... and you will always have a place in my life."

She gave him a small smile and, without warning, Lily moved closer and nestled against him. Severus wrapped his arms around her and buried his nose in her red hair. 

"Do you remember the night we slept in the tent?" she asked. 

"How could I forget..." 

"We were... thirteen?" 

"That's right," Severus nodded. "I still don't know how you managed to convince your parents to let us sleep in a tent together." 

"It was just behind the garden, not in some deserted field," she replied with a smile. 

Severus remembered that night when he hadn’t really slept. 

“You were scared of wild animals,” he added. “Even owls!” 

“I was not!” the former Gryffindor protested. 

“If we had camped in the Forbidden Forest, you wouldn’t have been more frightened!” Severus teased. 

A soft laugh escaped Lily, and she rested her head more firmly against his chest. 

“You were scared too,” she replied. “You didn’t sleep at all... Neither did I.” 

“Because you kept talking! And I wasn’t scared, like you say,” Severus retorted sharply. 

In truth, he hadn't felt quite at ease since he wasn't old enough to use magic outside of Hogwarts. What would he have done if a wild boar had decided to wander near Lily's house that night? Lily giggled again and Severus kissed her hair, still breathing in her scent. It was as if the rift that had formed between them during the day no longer existed. 

"Sev?" 

That nickname... He had found it strange at first. It was a strange idea to call him that, considering his name wasn't cute and certainly didn't lend itself to a nickname. But when Lily used it, he knew all would be well, that nothing bad would come from her lips. 

"Yes?" 

"Do you want to know when I actually started to believe you about magic?" 

"You didn't believe me?!" 

He was genuinely shocked. He had always thought Lily was a quick persuader. What ten-year-old boy could have such an overactive imagination? After all, Severus had given her very detailed information about the magical world. 

"When did you get your letter?" he asked. 

"No," she said, laughing softly. "It was a little before that... the spring before our first year. Do you remember the little wood halfway between your house and mine?" 

Severus nodded. The small wood was probably one of the few places in Cokeworth worth seeing. It was also a good shortcut to the centre of town. 

"Remember the little white flowers? Wild garlic flowers. They've always been my favourites, along with lilies of the valley and jasmine." 

"You don't like lilies?" he asked in surprise. 

"Their scent is too overpowering," she replied, playing with Severus' fingers. 

Severus had always thought Lily lived up to her name. To him, it embodied the purity of the lily, with its beautiful white petals. And the strong - if overpowering - scent of the flower reminded him of her fiery spirit, her courage, her vitality. 

"Anyway," she continued, "it was a Saturday, and we met in the woods. I tripped over a rock and..."

"And you skinned your knee," Severus finished. "I remember. You were bleeding... it wasn't a pretty sight, but it wasn't serious." 

"I know... You put your hand over my knee and the cut was gone. I was really shocked... And you just told me it was magic, like it was nothing". 

Severus smiled at the memory. 

"After that, I believed you..." 

He kissed her hair again. 

"When did you start to love me, Sev?" 

He hadn't expected this question, and he was sure Lily could feel his heart beating against her back. 

"Er... I don't know... Maybe since we were kids... But I don't know when I became aware of it... Maybe when I was thirteen or fourteen... Does it matter?" 

He felt a blush rise from his neck. Severus had never been one to talk about his feelings. 

"No, I just wanted to know." 

Lily would never love him. He had accepted this truth for years. Severus expected nothing from her and was content with the place she had given him - that of a friend, a confidant. It was better than nothing. 

"You know I care about you, don't you?" she asked when he didn't answer. 

"I know," Severus replied weakly. 

He knew Lily didn't mean to hurt him, but her words still stung. Severus preferred it when the subject wasn't brought up, as if his feelings had never existed. He felt his stomach lurch and his throat burn. 

Without warning, Lily turned and looked straight into his eyes. Her fingers rested on his cheek, and she stroked it gently. It was hard to meet her gaze. He wanted to cry, to push her away, to tell her she was making things worse. But he remained frozen, and the words wouldn't come out. Lily lay on his chest, facing him, and he was unable to move or speak. Paralysed... 

And they fell asleep, wrapped in each other's arms, the blanket covering them both. 

OO

"Sev? Wake up!"

Severus jerked as Lily put her hands on his shoulders. 

"What's happening? Did... Dumbledore send a message? It's not the Dark Lord... my mark isn't burning." 

He was both sleepy and panicked. No, the Dark Lord couldn't summon him anymore. His mark had almost completely faded. 

"No," Lily replied awkwardly. "We fell asleep on the sofa..." 

She moved away from him, looking a little hesitant and embarrassed. 

"I shouldn't have woken you, it's still very early... not even five in the morning," she said, glancing at the clock. 

"It's fine," Severus muttered. 

"No, it's not! You barely sleep..." 

"I'll sleep on the sofa again, you go upstairs to bed," he said, lying down again. 

She got up, but didn't give him the blanket. 

"Why don't you sleep in your own bed?" Lily asked. 

What could he say? That he hated his room? That the sofa was much more comfortable than his bed, which was as hard as the floor? Especially since Lily had made the couch much better... 

"Too lazy," he said with a yawn. "I'm fine here." 

"Oh, come on..." 

"What?" 

"Are you deaf? I said, come on. You're going to sleep with me. Your legs are hanging off the sofa!" 

Lily invited him to sleep in her bed? Was she mad?! He'd never try anything, but it wasn't right. They weren't kids in a tent anymore! 

"Do I have to argue with you to get you up? First of all, you look like a zombie. Secondly, I cast a few spells on the bed you kindly gave me... Sorry to say... but it was as hard as a rock..." 

"My bed isn't much better," Severus sighed. 

"Oh, come on, that's a third reason. Come sleep with me. And don't worry, if you're afraid of staying in bed until noon, Harry makes an excellent alarm clock." 

Severus relented and stood up. 

"I don't doubt that. I've heard him bawl enough in the mornings."

Lily gave him a dark look that made it clear that she was the only one allowed to criticise her son. Still, she said nothing. They climbed the stairs, and Lily opened the door to their bedroom. Harry was fast asleep in the small cot they had added in the last few days. It was her parents' bedroom, with the same furniture, the same sheets - clean, of course. But he could barely make it out in the dim light. Lily had placed a few personal items in the room. He could make out a picture frame on the bedside table, probably a photograph of her husband. Would he feel sick to his stomach if he woke up and saw the beaming face of James Potter smiling back at him?

Lily lay down and Severus joined her. 

"It's comfortable," he whispered. 

"Yes, I could enchant your mattress if you'd like..." 

Severus just nodded. He didn't want Lily to see his room, to see how miserable and worn it was. It was probably the most depressing room in the whole house. Maybe Lily could show him how to fix it. It couldn't be that hard...

He lay down and pulled the sheets and blankets over him, staring at the ceiling. He had never slept in his parents' room, not even after a nightmare. How could his parents have slept in the same bed when there was no love between them? Had his father slept on the sofa? Or was it his mother? Did they call a truce at night? Were their fights really that bad? His father had always had a ready answer. Yelling, crying and insults had been part of Severus' daily life for as long as he could remember. But there had also been quieter times, when his father would soften, or a semblance of a smile would cross his mother's face. Severus couldn't recall ever hearing his parents arguing or fighting in their room while he was in his. Were they the type to make up under the covers? Severus grimaced at the thought. He would never know the answer. His father was dead, his mother probably too... She had left their house without a word. Tobias Snape had been a terrible husband throughout their marriage.

"You're not asleep," Lily said. 

"Neither are you," Severus replied. 

She turned and snuggled up against him. 

"You think too much. So do I," she said. 

He sniffed; she was right, as always. He kissed her hair again. 

"Sleep well..." 

He wanted to add something sweet, like "my honey Lily" or "my love". But a best friend shouldn't say that, especially when the best friend in question was madly in love with the woman who was resting her head on his shoulder. And that woman knew the truth.

"You too, my Sev." 

And she planted a kiss on his pale cheek. 

OOO

Lily hadn't lied; Harry was indeed an infallible alarm clock. Severus had barely drifted off when Harry began to cry. He stood up, gripped the bars of his cot and wailed at the top of his lungs. 

"Mummy! Daddy! Mummy! Daddy!" 

Severus was completely lost. 

"Here we go again..." he muttered. 

"Told you," Lily muttered, pressing the pillow to her head. 

Had she heard the boy shout? The little one was relentless, screaming in his bed. 

"Mummy! Daddy! Mummy! Daddy!" 

Severus stood up and picked Harry up. Was he hungry? Or just tired? Severus was too exhausted to think or act. He simply placed Harry next to Lily and lay down beside her. 

"Harry... it's Sunday... sleep..." his mother ordered. Her voice heavy with sleep. "Sev is very tired... and so is Mummy..." 

"Daddy..." the little boy whimpered.    

Severus wanted to reply that he wasn't his father and that he was tired of the trouble this child kept bringing into his life. But he didn't have the heart to shatter the illusions of a nearly sixteen-month-old boy, especially when Harry's face was so... adorable. Snot was dripping from his nose and his eyes were wet.

Severus picked up the child and laid him on his chest. He rubbed his back gently and whispered soft reassurances. He didn't know any lullabies. His mother and father had never sung over his bed, at least not that he could remember. 

"It's all right... go to sleep... Mummy's here... I'm here... it's all right... sleep..." 

The baby calmed down and fell asleep in Severus' arms. Should he put him back in his cradle and risk waking him? Severus was so tired that he feared dropping Harry, or worse, crushing him under his weight. He chose the first option, and Harry didn't make a fuss.

Severus returned to Lily and found himself back in the arms of sleep and his best friend who had snuggled up to him once more. This night was undoubtedly the best of his entire life, and paradoxically one of the most exhausting.