If...

Lily was thinking she was sublime in her sumptuous white dress made of silk and tulle. Her voluminous red hair had been lifted in a bun dotted with small white flowers. She had waited impatiently for this day. In a few minutes, she'll say yes for life to James. Celebrating a wedding in wartime was a little incongruous, but you couldn't let it take everything. For her wedding day, Lily didn't want to hear about this fight against the dark forces. This day had to be bright, joyful, and idyllic.

All those she loved had travelled. Lily saw them in the distance, sitting by the ark. James was waiting for her. He was handsome in his groom's suit and with his black hair in battle. Sirius, by his side, patted him on the shoulder to reassure him. She imagined him saying to her fiancé Courage my brother! It's just for life! You could have made a worse choice. Lily inhaled slowly, checking that she was wearing her bouquet of little wildflowers and in turn walked the bridal aisle. Yes, everyone she loved was there, and even Tuney. Her older sister was sitting next to their parents and smiling. Mrs Evans, their mother, didn't even wear her wig and radiated health, while their father was moved.

Lily finally arrived at the ark and James looked at her as if she were one of the seven wonders of the world, a goddess. His brown eyes sparkled with happiness and his smile was sweet, dreamy. A shadow passed over his face and his smile became disturbing. The flowers, which covered the ark, ended their song and heavy clouds chased the spring rays of the sun. The bride felt little by little overcome by fear, while James remained frozen and looked at her with envy. Several silhouettes appeared in spirals of black smoke, as dark as that spit out by the Cokeworth factory. The flowers of her bouquet withered and fell to the ground. In horror, Lily discovered the faces of several Death Eaters and Voldemort.

"Kill them all!" cried the dark wizard. "But leave the Mudblood alive! It's the reward of Severus!"

Green lightning flashed from all sides and bodies, those of her loved ones, fell to the ground. Helpless, Lily screamed. Her parents and sister were dying under her eyes. James was still frozen like a statue, while their friends fought and were killed. She shook him, but he didn't move, and suddenly his features became those of Severus.

"You're mine, Lily. You're mine, Lily" assured the Death Eater before kissing her.

"No! No!" she protested.

Lily opened her eyes. Her face was dripping with sweat and tears. It was just a nightmare, just a nightmare. She should have known. What she had seen in her dream was nothing like her wedding. Feverishly, she seized the frame on the nightstand. How beautiful they were that day! James and Lily had married in a hurry, and only a small handful of guests had attended their wedding. In the photo, she and James posed with Sirius, their witness. That day, her hair wasn't even in a bun, and her dress was a simple white long dress with vaporous sleeves. Petunia and her husband refused to come, and her mother wore a wig. The cancer finally took her away five weeks later.

Lily was gasping in her bed. This day, so beautiful, now seemed very distant to her. The country was at war, and yet she had never thought of finding herself a widow so young. James had only been dead for five days, and she felt like it had been forever. She missed him terribly, and she couldn't integrate the idea that she wouldn't see him again, that she would no longer sleep with him, that she would no longer kiss him... Dreaming of him was both a consolation and a torment. In her dreams, she could hear him talking to her, telling her words of love. But the awakenings were always painful, because they reminded her of her sad reality, that of a widow having to hide with his son at a Death Eater.

Why had she dreamed of Severus? The latest revelations had certainly tangled up in her mind like a bag of knots. Severus was at once her protector, her best ally and at the same time one of the responsible for her misfortunes. If he hadn't heard this prophecy and reported it, none of it would have happened, and James and Peter would still be alive. She was certain that for many the tragic night of Godric's Hollow was only a pain for the greater good, because Voldemort had disappeared and had carried away in his wake the terrible decade that had passed. But they didn't know what she knew, what she had learned from Dumbledore only a few hours after losing her husband. Voldemort will return one day, and a new era of terror will emerge.

This made her nauseous. Severus had advised her to drink this potion to avoid bad dreams, but she refused. She had no fear of being poisoned, but she didn't want the quality of her nights to depend on a small phial. Lily left her bed and glanced at Harry sleeping in his bassinet. Fortunately, she hadn't woken him. She felt unable to go back to sleep, fearing a new nightmare. Tiptoed out of her room and down the stairs. She didn't know the time, but it was still dark. The living room was plunged into darkness and Lily lit it with her wand. Upstairs, the redhead heard the sound of a door, then steps on the stairs. Missed! She had awakened Severus.

"Do you not sleep?" he asked, anxious. "It's four in the morning."

"No, I had a nightmare" she mumbled.

She remembered the horrible role of Severus in her nightmare, and she was again nauseous. In a sense, this nightmare hadn't been so far from reality. She owed her survival only to a twisted promise that Voldemort had honoured to reward Severus.

"You should take the potion I give you" he advised.

Lily ignored his remark.

"And you? You didn't sleep?"

"Very little" replied Severus. "I've always had a very light sleep, and I've never been a very big sleeper."

"Why don't you take the potion you want me to ingest at all costs?" asked Lily in a breaking tone.

"I'd better stay awake" he replied.

"Sorry, I forgot" she said, sighing. "A wand must stay up at night."

"Lily, you have nothing to fear here."

She had heard that before, and James was dead.

"If I stay awake most of the time, it's in case Dumbledore contacts us, and especially because I'm insomniac" he said, sitting on the couch.

Lily joined him and brought her knees to her chest.

"You told me you had a nightmare... Was it the night..."

"No" Lily interrupted him. "I didn't dream of that..."

"If you need to talk..." hesitated Severus. "I... I'm here."

Lily looked at him. Severus had a greyish tint and drawn features. He had certainly not passed a peaceful night for weeks.

"Why are you sleepless?" she asked. "Were you sleepless when we were in Hogwarts?"

"Because I think too much" sighed the young man. "And to answer your second question, yes, I was already insomniac when we were students."

He extended his legs on the table.

"Why don't you take this potion, then? You'd sleep better..."

"I've taken it before" he admitted. "But...it's not very good to take it every night... You get used to it and..."

"By becoming addicted?" said Lily.

Severus shook his head painfully.

"You may be right not to drink it" he continued. "But you really need to sleep... You don't have to drink the whole phial. One sip, when you're tired, should be enough to soothe you for one night."

"Have you ever been addicted to this potion?" asked Lily.

"No" replied Severus. "I stopped taking them so as not to become one. A small dose will not stop you from dreaming, but your dreams will not be painful or terrifying..."

"Even when I have sweet dreams, it scares me" Lily admitted, with tears in her eyes. "They remind me that everything is over, that he's no longer there... Gone...Disappeared..."

Severus bowed his head. His eyes were as if extinguished, while those of Lily shone with sorrow.

"I can't get used to this idea" she continued. "We had so many projects, so many dreams... It wasn't supposed to end that way."

She wiped away the tears running down her cheeks, sniffing.

"That's silly of me. We were aware of the risks... But we were hopeful that this conflict would end and that we would return to normal life— Now I realize that we hadn't even really thought about the afterlife... What would we have done with our lives? Only Harry and the Order mattered. We hadn't even thought about our careers, our professional future. He and I made a direct commitment after completing our studies."

"You were not the only ones" he said, a bitter smile drawn on his lips.

"You have a job" Lily replied. "A very honourable job, professor at Hogwarts. Not everyone can claim such a position."

"Yes, yes" he nodded reluctantly. "It was not in my plans to become a teacher, but it had to be done well..."

It was his condition as a spy that had pushed him to become Potions Master, and not any vocation.

"What were your plans?" asked Lily.

Severus had chosen the evil camp after their studies, but for what purpose? He simply shrugged his shoulders.

"I like to innovate, I guess. I could have worked in the Department of Mysteries, become an Unspeakable, or something, if I hadn't made so many bad choices. But I know very well that Dumbledore will want to keep me at Hogwarts."

"Don't you like teaching?"

Severus' mouth pinched and he thought for a few seconds about the question asked by his friend.

"At the moment, I'm responsible for the small classes— I assure you, learning the cure for boils from jars of brain-dead pickles is not exciting. I guess if I were teaching older students, I might have more fun. I would have preferred to take Defence Against the Dark Arts courses."

"You know that the post is cursed" Lily replied.

"Nonsense!" mocked Severus. "This position was only offered to incompetent people, amateurs or at best to people who are not built for it."

Lily chuckled as she heard his point of view so abruptly. During their schooling at Hogwarts, Lily and Severus had dealt with a parade of teachers in this subject. None of them had stayed more than a year in the school for various reasons. The students ended up thinking the job was cursed, but they didn't really believe it. It was just a joke. Yet this pseudo-curse weighed on Hogwarts long before they passed through the school walls.

"You exaggerate a little" she said. "We had some competent teachers, and fortunately!"

"Yes" he admitted as if this syllable had been forcibly taken away from him. "And you? If there hadn't been this war... What would you have done? When we were in fourth grade, you said you wanted to improve people's lives with potions... You wanted to become an apothecary?"

Lily chuckled. Like Severus, she had always been very good at potions. But she was sure that Severus had far surpassed her in this area. He told her that he had improved certain recipes. Lily had never done it.

"Yes, that's what I wanted to do until our...our fight. I thought you and I could have started our little business. You had always been my potion buddy, and it was only with you that I loved brewing potions."

This confession left Severus speechless.

"Why have you never told me about it?" he asked in a whisper.

"Because you were too busy with your dear comrades of Slytherin, Avery and Mulciber... not to mention the others. You were certainly very good at potions, but I knew you had other ambitions. I was afraid you would mock me..."

He answered nothing for a few seconds. Perhaps he imagined what his reaction would have been if young Lily Evans had told him about her project in grade five.

"I think I would have liked this idea... I also liked to brew potions with you... I would have liked to improve and invent all these potions with you... I was just a little prick."

It was the first time that Lily heard Severus insult himself. She wasn't unaware that he had a poor opinion of himself, but she had never heard him use any insult to speak of himself.

"I guess it doesn't really matter anymore" she replied. "I'll have to think about my future... Harry and I aren't going to stay with you forever."

"If you work..." hesitated Severus. "How are you going to raise him alone? Are you counting on the help of Black and Lupin?"

In their world, few mothers worked and raised their progeny alone. When a wizard and a witch got married, it was for life. Madam stayed at home, and mister worked to support their family. Divorce wasn't prohibited by law, but very badly seen by society. Lily's case was very different. She was a war widow and didn't really need to work. James had inherited a considerable fortune from his parents when they died. James' father, Fleamont, had quadrupled the family's gold by marketing a hair potion that had revolutionized the cosmetics market: the Sleekeazy's Hair Potion. Mountains of galleons slept in Gringotts, but Lily didn't want to touch them. Legally, half went to Lily, while the other half went to their son, Harry. So, she was immensely rich, but it was very little consolation.

Sirius and Remus had promised that they would always be there for her and Harry. But they too had a life to lead. Lily knew she could count on them, but she had no desire to abuse their time, patience, and kindness.

"Lily, I don't mind you staying here with the kid. I would understand if you decided to leave... my house isn't really... truly beautiful and warm... It's even sordid."

"Thank you, Sev... It's a little early. I don't even know if James was buried, or if I could attend his funeral— I must ask Dumbledore... He wouldn't have done that without telling me? I know I'm not allowed out of here— but my husband's funeral..."

Her voice broke. James had been dead for five days and the question of his burial had never been raised. The current climate of the country was still tense, but she was convinced that this didn't justify keeping her away from an event that concerned her more than anyone else on this earth. On the clock, Lily saw that it was almost five in the morning. It was still too early to reach Dumbledore. The headmaster was probably asleep, unlike her and Severus.

"We'll contact him later" he said, hoping to ease her fears. "Do you want coffee? Unless you want to go back to sleep."

Lily agreed. A cup of very strong and black coffee would prevent her from falling back into a tortured sleep. If a potion to stay awake for hours existed, Lily would take it without any hesitation. Except caffeine, nothing on this earth performed such a miracle.

"You know, it's going to pass" Severus assured her, giving her a steaming cup. "I don't pretend to understand how you feel... I can only imagine. What I mean is that the pain will always be there, but eventually you will get used to it, to accept it. And you will experience less restless nights."

She might have been offended by what Severus said, but he was right. She doubted she would ever accept James' death. Losing her half was simply unfair and cruel, but the death of her husband was no less unacceptable than those of many other innocents and members of the Order. Entire families had been eradicated during the war, yet Lily and Harry were alive. Edgar Bones and his family hadn't this chance, just like the McKinnons.

"When you go back to Hogwarts, will we always be safe?" asked Lily, a little anxious.

"Yes, don't worry. I'll come back here every day after school... And then I'm lucky to have a low schedule. My classes never end late, and I often have afternoons. And as I told you, no one will come here. I have set powerful spells, and my fireplace has only been connected to Hogwarts for several days."

"Won't they need you at the castle for other tasks?"

"I'm not a Head of House, and my main mission now is to keep you and your child safe."

He swore to Lily, only a few hours after arriving at Spinner's End. Severus had promised to protect Harry. He still dared not call the boy by his name, as if he feared being burned the second the name crossed his lips.

"Thank you, Sev... it's worth what it's worth, but I'm happy to be able to count on you, to have you by my side in these circumstances. You know... Remus and Sirius are my friends, but they were mostly James'... Well, Remus and I were friends before he became James'— But I never shared with them what I shared with you... Despite everything you've done and said, I'm glad you're with me. Of course, I wish the circumstances were different, that you and James were never enemies..."

Severus' expression was indecipherable. His eyes, as black as the bitter beverage he drank, were lost in the void.

"What's done is done and cannot be undone" he said. "I have always hated Potter and Black since we first met. They had their wrongs, I had mine. I never did anything to ease the situation. I think I even liked to fester it. I think I can try to tolerate Lupin, even if I don't lose —"

"Remus never wanted to kill you, Severus" interrupted Lily, who had guessed what he was going to say. "You know very well that werewolves are not aware of what they do during their transformations. This was the subject of our O.W.L. test, I remind you."

"You won't take away the idea that he was consenting" muttered Severus. "Werewolves are all twisted, anyway."

Lily sighed. To make him see reason on this disastrous night wouldn't be easy.

"You're distressing, sometimes."

"I see that the time for compliments is over" he replied in an acerbic tone.

"No, we are still at the hour of honesty" replied Lily, pinched. "Remus never wanted to hurt you, and he was very angry with Sirius... For a while they didn't even talk to each other. You know, I was too prejudiced about werewolves... We didn't hear anything good about them."

"One wonders why" mocked Severus.

"But remember, in our first few weeks at Hogwarts, Remus was nice to you... and you rejected him..."

"I was jealous of him" Severus explained. "I was afraid you would prefer him to me and let me down. And then he was a Gryffindor" he said with a grimace.

"Yes, like me... I know, you're going to tell me again that I'm different and blah, blah, blah. I know the chorus."

Severus laughed. Lily had always been the only student of this house that Severus tolerated in his very inner circle.

"Admit that he has always been right with you, that he never gave you the slightest blow down..."

"Hmph... He did nothing to limit the damage, even though he was a prefect like you."

"He tried" Lily admitted. "But James, Sirius and Peter weren't listening or pretending to. And then, as you said so well, you liked to fester the situation. And then, what nerve on your part to reproach him! I tried to reason with you too, but you didn't want to hear anything... You were obsessed with them!"

Severus frowned. He hated being reproached.

"Really, the five of you would have been better off to be friends" she said.

Severus' features became an expression of disgust, as if he had just swallowed a sip of dishwater.

"Repeat what you just told me to Black, and we'll see how he takes it... surely not as well as me" he said in a sharp tone.

Lily chuckled. Severus had always blamed James and Sirius for their stupid arrogance, but he too was very proud. He wasn't the type to admit his mistakes and wrongs, especially when it came to the Marauders. He wasn't so different from them. Sirius had conceded with lip that he would no longer seek trouble from Severus, but only God knew how long he would hold this resolution. For a long time, Lily hadn't approved the Marauders' actions, especially those of James and Sirius. However, she would have preferred a thousand times that Severus became friends with them rather than with Mulciber, Avery, and all those other boys who had ended up joining Voldemort. But Severus chose to go to Slytherin long before they arrived at school.

"Something funny?!" Severus said in an outraged tone.

Lily was then won over by a laugh she couldn't stop. She didn't like arguments, but seeing Severus get angry for everything and for nothing changed her mind and distracted her. The coffee kept her awake, but fatigue began to speak. Severus softened and looked at her strangely. Maybe he thought she was going crazy, that she was good for the asylum.

"I hadn't seen you laugh like that for years" he said. "I didn't think it would happen again..."

"That I'm laughing?"

"No, so I can see you laughing again" he said sadly.

No matter how terrible the current circumstances, Lily was grateful to have found her friend. Without thinking, she put her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes.

"Me too" she whispered before falling asleep.