If...

A light smoke came out of the fireplace, and Lily startled. This didn't fail to frighten Wool who hid in a corner. Someone was trying to contact them, and Lily was hoping we'd give them good news.

"Severus? Lily? Can you hear me? Anybody here?"

It was Dumbledore.

"Speak, Dumbledore. We hear you" said Severus, who had knelt by the fireplace.

Lily left the windowsill and joined her friend.

"Well, the news are not good" announced Dumbledore, in a troubled voice.

Lily's heart began to beat ridiculously hard in her chest. She dreaded more than any sad news. It was something she could never get used to.

"The Longbottoms were found a few hours ago" said the headmaster of Hogwarts in a deep voice.

He stopped speaking for a few moments and took a deep breath.

"They were found alive in a village north of London and were transported to St Mungo's Hospital."

Alive, it was already that, thought Lily.

"They are unfortunately in a very worrying state" added Dumbledore. "There is no doubt that they were tortured for several days by their torturers."

Lily's stomach lifted.

"For now, we don't know if they will recover if they keep sequelae. My sources informed me that Frank and Alice Longbottom had most certainly endured the Cruciatus Curse more than any human could bear. They were found by some of their colleagues who weren't even able to question them."

Lily's eyes became foggy. The Cruciatus Curse was probably one of the most terrible spells. The victim, who received it, suffered unbearable pain. To be struck once by this curse was a hardship, but she didn't imagine that one could endure it for hours, even for several days.

"The Aurors obviously went after the four Death Eaters. It's the Lestranges, but the other Death Eater is completely unknown to us. It would be a man, noticeably young."

Lily gave Severus a worried look. Could it be one of his friends? Mulciber, or Avery? Wilkes was killed last year.

"Another member of the Order also disappeared, Caradoc Dearborn" announced Dumbledore. "He has given no sign of life in the last few days when we needed him. I am overly concerned about that."

Lily remembered Caradoc. He was a nice, bearded wizard who was old enough to be the father of Lily and James. He had given Harry at birth several embroidered blankets for their son. He had always wanted to protect the youngest recruits of the Order and had never been afraid to defy any Death Eater.

"But I have other news. Alastor Moody has neutralized Igor Karkaroff, whom you know well, Severus."

Severus nodded his head.

"Alastor had been looking for him for six months, but he had been hiding. He was able to catch him as he tried to flee abroad."

"Why didn't he kill him?" asked Lily. "Moody has eliminated a few Death Eaters in recent months."

"Igor is a coward" replied Severus, in a sharp tone.

"Well, I guess Alastor thought we needed some living Death Eaters to expose the others. If he's as you describe him, Severus, then the Wizengamot will certainly offer him an arrangement. Ah! Yes, I forgot, Severus. Don't worry about yourself, I pleaded your case. You won't be worried. There won't even be a trial."

Lily hadn't projected so far. Of course, the arrested Death Eaters would be tried and sent to Azkaban. And Severus had taken the mark, had served Voldemort. If he hadn't changed sides, he would have been jailed by Dementors. This perspective horrified her, and mechanically pressed Severus' hand. This contact surprised him. It was the first time Lily touched him since she arrived home.

"We aren't there yet" tempered Dumbledore, without having seen the discreet gesture of Lily. "Lord Voldemort has only been missing for four days, and many of his partisans are wanted. I am even sure that we will have surprises when we learn the true allegiance of people we have respected so far. Our plan doesn't change. You always stay here."

The headmaster ended the communication, and Lily felt helpless. She only depended on Dumbledore to receive information from the outside world. She and Severus couldn't even read The Daily Prophet, for even owls could be considered suspects, and serve as spies. She even had the impression that the founder of the Order didn't tell them everything, that he ignored some news.

"Do you have any idea who the fourth Death Eater is?" Lily asked Severus.

"No. I know the Lestranges, because it was Lucius Malfoy who introduced me before the Dark Lord. They are connected— Bellatrix is Lucius' sister-in-law. I know what they're capable of... The reason they went after it the way they did is because they wanted to extract information from the Longbottoms. And they obviously didn't know anything."

"Don't you know all the partisans?"

"No. The Dark Lord didn't put all his secrets in one basket. I know Igor Karkaroff because we're about the same age. He's a little older than I am. I know he participated in Muggle torture. That's why he was wanted. He was clearly identified."

"Torturing Muggles" Lily repeated with disgust.

Was it just for fun? To make a hand while waiting to have victims a little tougher? The horror of which Voldemort and his disciples were capable disgusted her deeply. The same little voice persisted in telling her that Severus hadn't only been spying.

"Lily" said Severus painfully, who saw the dread on the young woman's face.

"I couldn't bear the thought of you being around these freaks, these weirdos, Severus. I know I promised I wouldn't blame you, but more I learn, more I feel the..."

That was the word repugnance she wanted to use. She didn't want to hurt Severus, and at the same time she wanted to show him how horrified her past actions were. She imagined terrifying things. Severus not moving a finger and revelling in vile shows, such as torture sessions, executions.

"Lily, I swear I never tortured or killed anyone."

"Have you looked?" she asked eagerly.

Severus looked down. It meant everything.

"I... I'm so sorry."

She wanted to slap him. How could he believe that becoming a Death Eater wouldn't tarnish his soul?

"I want to know everything, Severus" she said coldly. "Every time you have been involved in horrific crimes, near or far. I want to know when you were the witness, the accomplice of vile acts on innocent people."

Severus sat in his chair and took his head in his hands. Lily had aimed right; he hadn't told her the whole truth.

"I shared some of my knowledge with the Dark Lord" Severus began. "You probably don't know this, but during my schooling at Hogwarts I discovered several spells of Dark Magic... Do you remember the time I hurt Potter's cheek?"

Lily remembered. That was the day Severus insulted her like a filthy little Mudblood. James had bled, but the wound was superficial. He had no scars.

"It was a curse on which I was working. I was obsessed with Dark Arts. I dreamed of fame, strength, power... Dark Magic fascinated me, and creating spells made me feel invincible, important. I was doing it in secret, but subconsciously I was hoping that someone would find out and admire me. This curse, with which I wounded Potter, was only at the beginning of its elaboration. I didn't control it yet, but I was convinced that I could make it an extremely dangerous curse, which would have drawn respect and admiration to me."

Lily listened without blinking. She wanted the truth, but she knew it could be painful, sharp and sometimes unbearable.

"I succeeded" he continued. "The curse didn't produce only superficial cuts. It inflicted terrible wounds. He could even sever limbs, pieces of flesh, cause heavy bleeding until death ensued. It all depended on the conviction, the strength that was put into it. I was practicing on flobberworms, puppets— I taught this spell to the Dark Lord. He thought it was brilliant. And I think it was because of it that I got the mark. Subsequently, some of his partisans learned about it and used it. Lily, I am responsible for the deaths of several people by supplying weapons to their murderers."

The witch was nauseous, like the time she learned of Benjy Fenwick's death. His body was found dismembered, in small pieces. Was it this evil curse that had caused his death? It had been told that the circumstances of his death had been a bloody carnage.

"I provided potions, including poisons" Severus continued. "To question, to inflict suffering..."

Lily felt like she was in a nightmare. But what did she expect? That Severus spent his time spying on butterbeers in taverns? That was ridiculous!

"I went to torture sessions, and I did nothing to stop them. I saw people dying, and I did nothing to save them."

The man, who had been his best friend, had indeed been complicit in atrocious acts. He had fed a monster by sharing his knowledge, he had witnessed barbarism...

"If I had known, Lily... I would never have joined him. I was lost at the time..."

How old was he then? Eighteen? He had decided to join the devil incarnate, and she had taken the path of light. Could she understand that? No, but Lily was trying. Severus' childhood had been rough, and his adolescence at Hogwarts hadn't been sweet either. She had warned him several times, but he refused to listen.

"It's not for lack of warning, Severus" replied Lily, tired.

His remorse was sincere, Lily didn't doubt it. But what was the worth of a renegade's remorse for the suffering of countless victims? Lily was one of them. Because of Severus, her husband was dead, and a sword of Damocles was hanging over her son's head and hers.

"I know, I should have listened to you. There's so much I should have done and told you. I only deserve Azkaban."

Lily, livid, was still standing, while Severus was prostrate in his chair. He looked like a wounded beast, not a criminal. Severus, as he was now, had nothing of a heartless and immoral Death Eater. He had nothing of the powerful, soulless wizard he had dreamed of becoming. He was only a young man of twenty-one years who gradually became aware of all the bad choices he had made. And unfortunately for him, they weren't just youthful mistakes.

"No, Severus."

No one deserved to end up behind Azkaban's dark, cold gates. Lily was convinced. Severus laughed, with an almost mad laugh.

"Really?"

"The Dementors are the most abject screws that can exist" replied Lily, impassive.

"That's all I deserve" said Severus, a bitter grin on his lips.

"No, you'd get worse than you already are by going there. You know well that the Dementors feed exclusively on happy memories, of what is best in each of us. If you were locked up there, you'd end up losing everything good in you."

"Because you think there is still something to save in me?" he said in a tone that is both ironic and irritated. "Did you hear what I told you? People died, suffered because of me."

"If you weren't entirely evil, you would never have turned to Dumbledore, you wouldn't have informed him that we were in danger, you wouldn't have spied for him, you wouldn't have secretly betrayed Voldemort, you wouldn't have risked your life to save us, you wouldn't have brought us here, Harry and I, you wouldn't have taken care of my son and we wouldn't have this conversation."

His black eyes stared at her in a strange way.

"I did this for you, Lily. I'm not altruistic, unlike you. You know that."

"You think I joined Dumbledore out of altruism, Severus? I'm a Muggle-born, Sev. People like me aren't much loved by Voldemort and his partisans. The reason I chose the Order, Severus, was so that no Muggle-born – like me – would live in fear, in fear of dying. I've always hated evil, brutality and Dark Arts. I chose Dumbledore because he was the only one who advocated a world in which everyone could live in safety, because he didn't convey any hatred."

She stopped for a moment.

"You switched sides because you're able to have feelings, you're able to have love. That's a starting point. Do you think that if you spent years in Azkaban – and maybe even your whole life – you would become a better person, Sev? What use would that be to anyone? No one gets better at Dementors, absolutely no one. Look at those who are sent there for petty crimes, such as robberies. Do you think they become better at the hands of the Dementors? Do you think they don't? No, Severus. When they get the chance to leave this prison, they're just a shadow of themselves. Their hearts are parched, full of darkness, for the Dementors have taken all that was good, happy in them."

He listened attentively, blinded. A faint glimmer of hope shone in his eyes.

"Not everyone is able to feel remorse, or even the will to repent. However, is it a clever idea to send criminals there? Do you think that a Bellatrix Lestrange would get rid of all its vices by being locked up there? Of course not! She would become even crazier, sadistic, and perverse after staying there. Azkaban punishes, yes, but locks up time bombs. Death, next door, is a much less terrible fate. I don't wish you to be locked up there, I don't wish it on anyone else. Azkaban is nothing but a pantry for Dementors, which no one knows what to do."

Lily had almost spoken of a milking. She hadn't defended her ideals for months, and the case of Severus reminded her of how Azkaban was certainly the most terrible place in the world. Severus was wrong to think that he only deserved to be sent there for his past abuses. It would have been – according to Lily – choosing the effortless way out and annihilating any chance for him to repent for good. Severus' path to the light would be long and perilous, but it had to be so. Lily would never let him go down the wrong road again, the road of perdition.

"You've always been obsessed with Dementors" said Severus. "They terrified you when we were children, while we had never seen them."

"Your stories seemed eloquent" Lily replied in an ironic tone. "They seemed to fascinate you."

"No, far from it" chuckled Severus. "When I was little, my mother told me that she would turn me over to the Dementors if I made mistakes. She wasn't serious. I imagine that all wizarding parents say that to their children so that they obey them."

Lily and James had never said that to their son. Harry, in fifteen months of existence, hadn't had the opportunity to do much nonsense. But she was certain that she and James would never make such a threat, and that she would never.

Lily had few memories of Severus' mother. They resembled each other physically. At Cokeworth, Mrs Snape stayed at home and went out little. Lily had occasionally met her at the grocery store with her mother, but Lily had mostly seen her on the platform 9 ¾ at King's Cross. She was the only one to accompany her son, and the only one to get him. The witch remembered a woman who looked surly, with a waxy complexion and black hair in a low bun, a little loose. Severus had inherited from his mother his eyes black as coal. In Lily's memories, Mrs Snape's gaze was extinguished, sad.

"Didn't your parents tell you stories when you weren't wise?" asked Severus, with an amused smile on his lips.

"The Bogeyman" Lily smiled.

But the Bogeyman didn't exist.