If...

Severus looked away from his book when he had the distinct sensation of being watched. It was Lily. She had spent the afternoon prostrate in a corner with her cat on her knees. Only the purrs of the hairy bug had disturbed the near silence in the living room. Severus never liked cats, or even dogs, for that matter. He didn't understand how people could get attached to these little animals. He had no pets, not even an owl for his mail. He didn't hate animals as a rule, and would never have fun hurting them, but giving affection to a stupid feline was beyond him. He didn't know why he grabbed the cat by the neck in the Potter's kitchen. He had thought that it would perhaps please Lily to find her cat, failing to have her husband alive. At least the animal wasn't bothering him too much. We had to admit that cats were much more independent than dogs, and slightly smarter. The latter had perhaps guessed that it wasn't in his interest to needle him too much.

For four days, he has been secretly hosting Lily Potter, her son and incidentally the cat. He had promised Lily that he would protect her son, an unfortunate target of a prophecy that Severus had the foolishness to repeat to his Dark Lord. The child was destined to defeat the dark wizard, and the Dark Lord had found it wise to eliminate his great rival from the crib. The new spy would have lied if he had said he had felt scruples when he learned that the son of this arrogant James Potter, one of his intimate enemies, had been appointed to die by his master. He had always hated James Potter from their first encounter in the Hogwarts Express.

At the time, he was just an eleven-year-old kid, like him, sweating all his pores of smugness and pride. He immediately saw that he had grown up in a privileged, and certainly loving family. The eleven-year-old was clean on him, and had everything from a pampered child, spoiled to the core. This was one of the first reasons he hated him. Then because that jerk dared to criticize Slytherin in front of Lily, and then to advertise Gryffindor – that stupid house. Severus, who had a tongue as well hung as a snake, had taken the bait. At the school of St Melchior, he had often been targeted by muscles, boys from the same background as him, sons of workers, blue collars.

At Cokeworth, Severus had always endured the blows, those of his father, then those of the boys of his age. He had always known violence, but he had never been very good at defending himself with his thin arms and angular knees. He understood that words could save him. The words were powerful, and they could inflict terrible suffering, especially since he was a wizard. Accidental magic had sometimes saved him from bad steps in the playground. He was happy to see that the football, which Steeve Miller had thrown to crush his nose, had missed him. He had returned, without even touching it, to the sender, like a boomerang. Steeve Miller then had his own broken nose, and Severus got away with nothing. Of course, Steeve Miller and his crew rushed to the principal's office, and Severus was punished, even though the ball hadn't even touched him.

Words to St Melchior hadn't saved him much. There, the scum didn't understand the subtlety, and it hated above all that a scoundrel, like Severus, amused himself to ridicule it. He mistakenly believed that there would be intelligent children like him at Hogwarts. He knew from his mother what the other houses were. She had been dispatched to Slytherin and told him that it was the best house without dwelling on the details. Gryffindor was, according to her, a lair of headlong pursuers, Ravenclaw a nest of pseudo-intellectuals and Hufflepuff a burrow of simpletons.

Lily, the only friend he ever had, was smart like him. But the little redhead, whom he had spoken to for the first time on the playground, was better than him humanly, much nicer. She had begun to fascinate him long before he spoke to her. He understood that she was a witch when she participated in the game of apples in a water bowl during St Melchior's Halloween party, Apple bobbing. Severus didn't participate, and he could very well have taken advantage of the banal afternoon to skip school, but that day there was a dirty weather outside. He was nine, and he saw Lily win the game in record time. No sooner had she leaned over the basin than the apple, which she had looked at, had been drawn to her mouth and Lily had won, without being splashed by the icy water. For months, he had spied on her, followed her, and witnessed her manifestations of accidental magic. He had discovered that Lily had an older sister, Petunia. A tall blonde who looked like a pimp and who was unpleasant at best. In her he had detected nothing magical, and so had their parents, the Muggles living on the other side of the creek.

Their first encounter hadn't gone as he had hoped. Lily hadn't really enjoyed hearing that she was a witch. She had considered it an insult, and her sister Petunia hadn't arranged the situation. She mocked his clothes – which he himself hated – and pointed out that he lived in Spinner's End, the poorest district in the town. For the tall blonde with the horsey jaw, it was just a dirty bad seed, with which Lily certainly didn't have to bond. But a few days later, he had found Lily. In truth, she had found him. He then explained everything to her, taking care not to offend her.

For weeks, Lily had certainly thought that the stories about the wizarding word told by Severus was just a game, a way to escape, to leave the reality of Cokeworth. The magic of the little girl became, just like his, more and more powerful and she feared to be sent to Azkaban, the prison of wizards. He told her once about the Dementors, and she got scared. She didn't think such a demonic creature could exist. He reassured her. At their age, we didn't go to prison. At their age, it was normal to provoke small accidental phenomena. And then Lily was probably the last person you'd ever think to throw behind bars. She was so nice, way more than him. She was the only person who showed him interest, and especially kindness. She was a miracle, the best thing that had happened to him.

The first years of his life had been so dull, so dark, so unhappy. He was the only unloved child of a couple who was torn apart, who no longer understood each other. He had no memory of when his parents got along well, loved each other. He even wondered if this very fleeting time had really existed, and he didn't explain why they had married and had it. His mother was a witch from an old family of pure-blood wizards, and his father was a poor Muggle with no education and no talent. How could a woman, as exceptional as his mother, fall in love with Tobias Rogue, and let herself be taken to Cokeworth? In the Black Country, she had only withered, and her magic had finally suffered. Tobias, understanding that magic wouldn't make him richer, had ended up hating it. He had the same feelings for his wife and son.

Severus was mostly ignored by his father, when he didn't hit him for the simple fact of existing. Tobias regarded his son as useless, abnormal, and embarrassing. Eileen Snape, née Prince, was depressed, erased. She let her husband bully her and let him do the same to their child. She neglected Severus, spoke little to him. Severus had thus learned to behave as an agile and discreet animal – always on the lookout for danger – and to function as if he didn't exist. When he told Lily that his father didn't like much, it wasn't totally true, and not totally false either. Tobias hated magic, but he liked things like smoking his cigarettes, drinking his cheap beers and whiskey, wearing his old marcel, reading his newspaper, yelling, insulting his wife and son, and banging. At that time, domestic violence was considered normal in their environment. The neighbors also heard screams. It wasn't uncommon to cross a woman from the neighborhood with a black eye, or a child with bruises. The manners of the inhabitants of Spinner's End were just as dirty, stinking and dark as the sidewalks of the neighborhood and the facades of their houses.

Yes, he clung to Lily. She was a luminous child, a moonbeam that illuminated his sad daily life. Without knowing it, she had become indispensable to him, necessary for his survival. And the Sorting Hat had to send her to Gryffindor, far from him who was in the dungeons. Why didn't the Sorting Hat make an exception? She had found herself with this Potter and this Black who had nicknamed him Snivellus, then Snivelly. Potter was loved by all, almost adored. He was admired for his flying prowess on broomstick, while Severus being really bad on this craft. Potter and Black had continued to live a hard life after meeting him on the train. Severus was the ideal victim of their unhealthy little games. Then over the months, Potter and Black had included in their group Lupin and Pettigrew.

Severus had to be honest. He initially had nothing against Lupin, only that he was a little too close to Lily. In his opinion, this kid had nothing to do with Gryffindor. He was skinny like him and had scars on his face, and even on his hands. Wrongly, Severus believed that Lupin was also the victim of the blows of one of his two parents, or both. The boy was kind enough, and rather intelligent, but Severus feared that he would keep him away from Lily, that the little redhead preferred Lupin to him. Pettigrew was pitiful. The Slytherin thought he had nothing to do with Hogwarts. He collected bad grades and spent his time idolizing Potter and Black. The rat face dreamed of being like them and had been honoured to be chosen by them to become their friend. If anything, Lupin, he could understand it. He was intelligent, subtle, but a little stupid. But Pettigrew? Severus thought that Potter and Black, who loved to strut around, just needed a groupie, a shoemaker, and Pettigrew was perfect for the role.

At Slytherin, Severus had first been treated with condescension. He was a poor half-blood. Her mother's family had lost their aura for a few years and had obviously cut ties with Eileen. Lucius Malfoy, who was prefect at the time of his sorting, looked at him with a certain height. He was a highly respected sixth grade student, and Severus secretly dreamed of getting his approval.

Step by step, Severus had shown his comrades that he wasn't just a poor kid from working-class and industrial England. He worked seriously in every subject and earned points at their house. The subject where he surpassed himself was that of potions. Severus was already very meticulous and precise in the movements he performed. The art of potions required a lot of composure, and attention. We ended up – in a way – admiring him for his talent. Lily was also very good at it. Luckily, they could work in pairs during this class.

He ended up listening to Lily's advice, which was to sympathize with other students as she did. She claimed that it would be good for him to have several friends, but he only wanted her friendship. He didn't need the friendship of others. Why couldn't she understand that? It wasn't complicated. At the time, he wasn't yet aware that his feelings towards her were perhaps a little stronger than friendship. So, he had bonded with boys in his house. Lily would have liked him to sympathize with Lupin, but he was a Gryffindor!

He preferred the company of Mulciber, Rosier or Avery. To integrate into their group, he had ignored their bad jokes, had nodded when they spoke ill of the Muggles-born. He even ended up calling them Mudblood like them. As for the Muggles, he didn't need them to hate them. At Cokeworth, except for Lily, he didn't like anyone, and the people gave him back, especially his father, a Muggle. Yes, he had played with his wand to cast spells at those whom he really didn't like, and who led his life hard.

Black claimed that when Severus arrived at Hogwarts, he knew far more curses than the grade seven students at Slytherin. That was almost a compliment from Black. Severus would sincerely have liked to know some terrible spells before getting on the train. If that had been the case, he would have managed to make Potter and Black disappear before the locomotive stopped at Hogsmeade station. No, with a mother who has become practically a squib, Severus knew no more than the others, and surely even less than Potter and Black in terms of nasty spells. At Cokeworth, there were only his mother's old schoolbooks, and a few unimportant books.

It was in Hogwarts that he had really learned to fight back with spells. He had first learned from his comrades, then he decided to innovate a little. Secretly, without Lily's knowledge, he had invented spells, including the Dangling Jinx. That jerk Potter had used it against him in front of Lily, after their Defence Against the Dark Arts exam. In their fifth year, Severus had made the mistake of pronouncing the formula, and it had spread like wildfire among the students.

The day of this exam was probably the most horrible of his life. He was used to the low blows of Potter, Black and Pettigrew, and Lupin's passivity. He made them feel good anyway, it was almost a little game between them, an unhealthy hobby that had traumatized him to tell the truth. But that day, Lily was the only one to defend him, to stand up to the two Marauders who humiliated him in front of everyone. None of Slytherin's comrades had taken up his cause, unlike Lily, a Gryffindor and especially a Muggle-born. Everyone laughed at him, mocked him, and Lily, the person who mattered most to him, attended the show and moved heaven and earth to help him. He had reproached her countless times for not taking sides, while she despised Potter, Black, and Pettigrew. He was almost a man and unable to defend himself. Worse, the girl, whom he secretly loved, had done it for him. He was enraged, and as a thank you he called her a filthy little Mudblood. He immediately regretted his words, but it was too late. Lily made fun of his pants – inherited from his father – and called him Snivellus. He didn't deserve better, and James Potter had taken off his pants.

In the evening, he had waited in front of the Gryffindor tower, hoping to see her. He even rode Mary Macdonald, a friend of Lily's, who didn't like him at all. She had good reasons, since his friend Mulciber had tried to manipulate her with an unforgivable spell. And Mulciber intended to make her do things that weren't very clean... He had begged Mary Macdonald to tell Lily that he was there, right in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady. He had even told the Gryffindor that if Lily didn't come, he would sleep here until further notice. Too bad, if we took away points, or sent him to detention for breaking curfew. He wanted to see Lily, apologize, tell her how sorry he was. Mary Macdonald had practically laughed in his face, but she still spread the word.

Lily had arrived a few minutes later. She was wearing her dressing gown, arms crossed on her chest. She looked at him frowning, which was a really bad sign. So, he told her he was sorry, but Lily didn't care about apologies. Her anger was cold. And then, like Potter, she had told him her four truths. He could see her contempt, her rage, and even hatred in her eyes. And she had words that he could never forget: "But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?" He had been unable to answer her, and yet the words hit his head. She then turned her back on him forever as she returned to her tower. If he could have had a Time-Turner, he would have started that day again and changed everything.

Often, he had thought back to that terrible scene in his mind and imagined what he should have said to Lily. "Because I'm a moron, a beast and a villain who's no better than the others. But mostly because I love you and I will do anything for you. Ask for anything and I swear I will."

He had hoped that she would return to him, but it wasn't knowing her well. During the summer holidays, he had spent days waiting for her on the playground, or in their small grove. But she never came. Then he had chosen the worst possible path, that of the Darkness, that which his friends of Slytherin urged him to choose. And like an arsonist, he had set fire to his house, and watched it burn, doing nothing. If Lily didn't want the ugly little Snape, maybe she would want the Half-Blood Prince, a powerful wizard.

During his sixth and seventh years, he had undertaken to improve his potion manual. He was good enough with potions to innovate, perfect recipes. He even found himself using humour, using a sharp tone in his old schoolbook. He too had belonged to his mother. She had bought it in a second-hand shop, because the Princes no longer had a sickle at Gringotts. He also noted in his schoolbook spells and curses of his invention. The most terrible of them was an almost deadly spell, which inflicted deep wounds. You could even effectively dismember someone with it. It was a terrible fate, but at the time Severus thought he was a genius.

It wasn't for nothing that the Dark Lord had approached him. The black wizard didn't cut off morons like Pettigrew. Finally, he was shown interest and consideration. His future master had been very clever with him. He had flattered him, he had identified his weaknesses, and he had made a lot of promises. And Severus finally gave in, joining him willingly. He had taken the mark and shared his knowledge and inventions with the Dark Lord. And he had introduced him to the Dark Arts, taught him aspects of magic that he would never have thought possible.

The Dark Lord took advantage of his youth and discretion to send him to spy on Dumbledore. He wanted him hired at Hogwarts as a professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts. Severus was young, but incredibly talented. He got all his N.E.W.T.s with very honourable mentions. Then he had gleaned information everywhere and had transmitted it to his master.

And there was that day. He had heard that Dumbledore intended to meet a woman with the Hog's Head, a mischievous inn in Hogsmeade. He was told it was an interview for a professorship. It was also an opportunity for Severus to try his luck. The professors of Defence Against the Dark Arts never lasted long at Hogwarts, and the headmaster would no doubt be delighted to have a perfectly qualified candidate in less than a year's time. Severus also didn't think he would attract suspicion. He had been a discreet student, despite his dating and altercations with the Marauders.

He stood behind the door of a room and listened. The spy job was really ungrateful, especially since the woman had no talent for divination. He had even hesitated to leave, and to wait for Dumbledore at the bar to tell him that he was interested in a position if he wanted him. But the woman suddenly went into a trance and made a strange prediction. She was talking about a child to be born at the end of July, whom his parents had challenged his master three times, and who was destined to defeat the Dark Lord. He hadn't been able to hear the rest, for the keeper had surprised him. The door had opened, and Dumbledore had seen it. The tenant, who was also Dumbledore's brother, had thrown him out and told him never to set foot again.

He was quick to find the Dark Lord, and he had repeated to him all that he had heard. Severus didn't know if it were important, he even pointed out that we couldn't really bring credit to what this woman said. But his master had been, against all odds, extremely interested in what he had entrusted to him. And several weeks later, the cleaver had fallen. The Dark Lord had studied this prophecy at length and determined that two unborn children could correspond. He had been told that two couples, who had challenged him three times, were waiting for the end of July for a happy event. They were the Longbottoms, pure-blood Aurors, and the Potters. They were also part of the Order, a secret society fighting against them. Severus' blood froze on hearing the name of his old enemy, for Lily had chosen him and married him. Worse, she was expecting his child.

Severus had never thought of becoming a father. To him, a father was a bully, and he didn't really want to bother with a brat. But Lily, he hadn't forgotten her. He hadn't stopped loving her. He was surprised to think Everything except the Potters, everything except the Potters. But his master had just set his sights on the unborn Potter, a half-blood. Severus had gotten a little better for a few seconds. His master might only get rid of the child, and Lily would live. But he intended to exterminate the family entirely. Severus then begged him to leave the woman alive because he wanted her. He couldn't care less about James and the little brat who would come into the world. All he cared about was Lily. The Dark Lord laughed, laughed at him.

"You, Severus? Desire a Mudblood? You know there are witches far more worthy than you. I will grant you this favour. Consider this a reward for your loyalty to my service. You will do what you will with the Mudblood once you have it."

It looked like a father promising a son obeying a toy.

But could he really trust him? Would he really trust Lily to survive? He had hesitated for a long time before doing so, but he had come to meet Dumbledore on a hill on a cold, windy night. The headmaster recognized him and understood that he was there for a reason. He also guessed that Severus was a spy in Voldemort's boot, and that he had reported the prophecy he had heard several months before. Severus was consumed with anguish, and it seemed to amuse Dumbledore who was incredibly relaxed. Severus then told him about Lily, that she was in grave danger. And Dumbledore had judiciously pointed out to him that it was her son who was the object of the prophecy. In a light tone, the great wizard asked him if he had implored his master so that Lily would be spared in exchange for the life of his boy. Ashamed, Severus had confirmed. Dumbledore's sentence had been as sharp as a blade.

"You disgust me! You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?"

Severus had never felt as foul as the day he called Lily a filthy little Mudblood.

How could he be so selfish? Did he really believe that Lily would fall into his arms after losing her son and husband, when he most certainly disgusted her? There were many ways to force someone to love. There were love potions, the Imperium Curse, the transplant of false memories... Did he really want that for Lily? No, he wasn't a monster. So, he asked Dumbledore, although reluctantly, to protect all three: Lily, her husband, and the child. And he had become Dumbledore's man.

He had told him everything, and by the new year school of 1981, he had given him a position as a Potions Master. Horace Slughorn was getting old, and sharing classes with him would relieve him. In doing so, he also pleased the Dark Lord, who needed a spy in Hogwarts. Dumbledore and Severus agreed on what the new professor should convey and not repeat. It was an extremely dangerous game, but he promised to do what Dumbledore wanted in exchange for Lily's protection.

On Halloween night, the Dark Lord contacted him. He now knew how to eradicate the Potters for good, and he was right in front of them. He had even told Severus that his reward would be waiting for him. Horrified, Severus had surrendered to Godric's Hollow. Too bad for his role as a spy! To hell with the Dark Lord! To hell Dumbledore! He would sacrifice himself and allow the Potters to flee, to hide elsewhere. It was completely suicidal, and he knew it. A life without Lily didn't interest him, and he'd rather be dead than live without her. But he had arrived too late. He had found only ruins, or almost. It looked like the cottage was blown by a gas explosion, or a bomb. He had entered and discovered the lifeless body of his old enemy, James Potter. God alone knew how much he hated him, and yet he had felt no joy in seeing him dead. Upstairs, a baby was crying, Lily's son. He couldn't hear her, and for the first time, he had experienced the greatest fear of his existence: a world without Lily.

He had climbed the steps of the almost destroyed staircase, and he had entered a child's room turned upside down. The baby was screaming in his crib. How was that possible? The Dark Lord was nowhere to be found, while the enemy he had chosen was alive. On the ground he had seen the body of his Lily. She was curled up and bleeding in the head. Delicately, he had taken her against him, expecting to see the face of death and to feel an icy skin under his fingers. But her skin was warm, and she was breathing. She was alive, it was a miracle. The master he had betrayed had therefore honoured his promise, but Severus would no longer serve him. He said his name, and she finally opened her beautiful green eyes. She was surprised to see him here, perhaps even disappointed. She wanted her son and her husband. The first one was alive, it made her feel better. The second one was dead, and Severus was sorry for her.

He thought only of one thing, to leave the place as soon as possible. He didn't know whether the Dark Lord had spoken of his plans to other of his partisans, or even if he was elsewhere, close to here, ready to return, to attack them. Lily had asked him to bring her son. It was the first time he took a baby in his arms. Before that, he had never come close to a baby. The child was whining in his crib, screaming. And when Severus took him against him, he stopped. He even snuggled up against him. Severus nevertheless had time to see that the little one, though brown like his father, had inherited Lily's absinthe eyes.

And after many adventures, Lily Potter and her son were now at home, in the house of his childhood. And he had finally told her that he loved her, but he knew it, she would never love him. Too bad, he would devote his life to protecting her son, he had promised her. To him, he had made another promise, he would also protect Lily's life, even if it meant paying the price of his own, because an existence without her was worth nothing.

Lily was still looking at him, the alley cat purring on her knees.