If...

Three days passed at Spinner's End, without the slightest ray of sunshine passing through the rare windows of Severus' house. When Lily tried to find a distraction by looking at the landscape, she saw only a perpetual spit, the carbon-laden fumes of the factory in the heavy sky, and sometimes rodents – big rats – feeding on the rubbish left on the sidewalk. Cokeworth was once a prosperous town, thanks to its coal mine and factories. Spinner's End was a working-class district, with its typical brick houses. The closure of the mine in the mid-1960s had gradually led to the decline of Cokeworth and its surroundings. And the various crises in recent years had caused the bankruptcy of several industries in the area. The Cokeworth factory, in which Severus and Lily's fathers had worked, was still running, and spitting incessantly volutes of black smoke.

Lily had grown up in a more affluent neighbourhood across the creek. Her father, before dying, had long worked at the Cokeworth metallurgical plant as an accountant, while her mother stayed home and supplemented their income by doing some sewing work. At the Evans, there was a small garden in which the family grew some vegetables and dried the laundry lying on a rope. Mr. Evans was able to offer his wife and daughters a television set in the late 1960s.

Although the small subdivision behind the river was clean, Cokeworth wasn't a pleasant town. Just like Petunia, Lily had finally left this industrial city, but the last terrible circumstances had brought her back to this town, not in the house of her childhood, but in that of her old friend. Severus didn't like Cokeworth either, he hated the walls he had grown up between. Yet he had no better refuge to offer Lily and her son.

Lily had nothing against Severus. He had never masked his hatred for James, but he took diligent care of her child who was his spitting portrait. Every day, since their arrival, he prepared meals and ensured that his guests ate to their hunger. He wasn't particularly fond of Harry, but he met every need when Lily was unable to. For example, the witch had never heard Severus say her son's name, or even speak to him. He nevertheless had some attentions towards Harry. The day after their arrival, Severus had found an old cushion in the attic and had spent several hours transforming it into a cozy bassinet for the little one. He had also put his hand, in an antique trunk relegated to the attic, on a copy of The Tales of Beedle the Bard which had belonged to his mother. Severus had told Lily that she could tell her son stories if she wanted.

Harry remained a calm and adorable baby. He cried only when he was hungry or needed to be changed. Lily wondered if Harry had realized that he no longer had a dad, if he had understood that the situation was serious. Her son was just a baby, after all. He was certainly not old enough to understand. And yet, Lily had the feeling that Harry felt as he looked into his green eyes, the same as her own. She could see sadness, but also love and hope. Harry also seemed to appreciate their host. He wouldn't scream when Severus would hug him. He would tweet, babble, and even smile at the wizard. No doubt he had trusted him.

Since Dumbledore's last call in the fireplace, Lily had received no news. She knew nothing about the Longbottom situation, but the lack of news - good or bad - didn't bode well. She also didn't know how her friends, Remus and Sirius, were since their visit. Dumbledore had forbidden her to contact them, because the Order had been infiltrated by a mole. Lily was convinced that the traitor wasn't one of her friends. On the other hand, she feared that the spy would continue to track down, to spy on every move of the last two Marauders. It was probably because of this infiltrator that Peter had been kidnapped, tortured, and killed by Voldemort. Though she pondered, she couldn't see who in the Order could have committed the supreme lying under oath by regularly informing their enemies.

In recent months and weeks, eight members of the Order had died. The Prewett brothers, two talented duellists, had been ambushed by five Death Eaters in early spring, and had unfortunately not survived. Their death was followed by that of Edgar Bones. He had received the fate that Voldemort had for Lily and her family. Early in the summer, a Death Eater broke into his house and killed Edgar, his wife, and their children. Then there was the McKinnons in July— Lily had screamed in pain when she heard of the disappearance of Marlene and her relatives. And to think that two weeks before her death, many of them posed for a photograph. Unfortunately, the Death Eaters didn't stop there. In August, Benjy Fenwick's body was found completely dismembered. Lily threw up when she heard the news. Dorcas Meadowes had been Voldemort's last victim, some weeks before the tragic Halloween night.

Voldemort had disappeared after killing Peter and James. But his partisans didn't consider that they had lost the war, since the Longbottoms had been kidnapped. Lily sincerely hoped that they were all right, but she had no illusions about the perversity and sadism that the dark wizard's partisans could demonstrate. Severus said he never killed and tortured. Could she really believe it? It was true that the Order suspected that some wizards had been chosen by Voldemort to infiltrate the Ministry, Gringotts and even Hogwarts. Severus was one of them, and a spy couldn't risk being exposed by participating in bloody massacres. Severus had secretly betrayed Voldemort and became Dumbledore's man.

A small voice in Lily's head whispered to her that Severus had probably committed terrible acts before changing allegiance. Lily was aware of Severus' talents. He was incredibly good at making potions, and she remembered his ability to cast unfocused spells, which she didn't know, during their schooling. Voldemort had surely wanted to exploit the gifts of this recruit. He could very well have provided poisons or communicated spells of dark magic unknown to all his colleagues and his master. The members of the Order weren't the only victims of this war. Many innocents had perished in appalling conditions, and even Muggles who knew nothing of their world.

She put her trust in Severus. Sometimes she found herself feeling sympathy and friendship for him as she did when they were young. Was there any innocence left in Severus? They were only twenty-one years old, and Lily felt that the war and death of her relatives had made her age prematurely. She no longer felt like a carefree, newly married young mother. She had become a widow after only two years of marriage. If Lily had been told that she would be celebrating her fortieth or fiftieth birthday next January, she would have had no trouble believing it. The witch had seen and experienced many more things than any twenty-one-year-old woman should. Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one.

At night, when Harry was sleeping in the room, she and Severus were talking. For a few hours, they tried to forget the war and thought about their childhood and adolescence. By the end of their fifth year at Hogwarts, they had been best friends. Of course, their friendship had never been a quiet river. Severus, as a child, already had evil inclinations, a sneaky character and sometimes showed himself wicked. Once, while they weren't yet students at the school of witchcraft, he had deliberately dropped a branch on the shoulder of Petunia who was watching their discussions, hidden behind the foliage of a grove where they hid to chat. Petunia had suffered, and Severus had denied his responsibility. He lied very badly, and Lily had argued with him before leaving to find Petunia, crying all the tears of her body.

Despite his flaws, Lily appreciated him and showed him sincere affection. He wasn't very good at social relationships, bonding with others. At St Melchior's school, Severus had no friends, and sometimes the boys deliberately attacked him with their balloons. He was also the target of mockery on his nose, on his oily hair or on his ill-fitting and frayed uniform. At that time, Severus didn't care. He was convinced that at Hogwarts he would meet children like him with whom he would become friends. But in Scotland, nothing had almost changed. His mother had certainly found him on Diagon Alley a second-hand uniform, more than correct and at his height, but the bullying had continued. It even started in the Hogwarts Express.

Severus, before they left for Hogwarts, had partially explained the school to Lily. He had told her about a strange Sorting Ceremony which triaged the new students in four houses. However, he had mentioned only one house, and said nothing about the others. It was Slytherin. According to him, the smartest children were spread out there, and he and Lily would inevitably be sent there. Lily had obviously tried to find out what other houses were, but Severus always dodged her questions, or claimed that the other houses weren't worth much.

In their compartment, Lily and Severus had met two young boys their age. At first, she hadn't paid attention to the two boys because she was crying. She and Petunia had quarrelled on the platform because Lily and Severus had entered her older sister's room without her permission and had read – in addition to her diary – a letter that Dumbledore had personally sent to Petunia. They had both discovered that Petunia had written to the headmaster begging him to take her as a student. But Petunia, being a Muggle, unfortunately had no place in Hogwarts. Since this incident, Tuney had only jealous her younger sister more and called her monster and anormal. Lily had resented Severus, because he had the idea to enter her sister's room. He said he was curious to see what Tuney's room might look like.

Lily had betrayed herself on the platform by retorting to Petunia, who had called her a freak and a weirdo, that she hadn't always thought that Hogwarts was a school for the freaks, since she had begged the headmaster in a letter. Petunia had been deeply distressed to learn that her personal space and mail had been violated by her own sister and the boy she hated. And she called her freak again. Severus had joined her in a compartment and found her crying. Lily had told him everything and how much she thought that their intrusion into the room had been a bad thing. Because of him, Tuney, her sister, hated her. Awkwardly, Severus had comforted her. He really wasn't good at it, but at least she stopped crying.

She had come to realize the presence of the two boys, when Severus claimed that Slytherin was the only valid house in the school. One of the two boys – it was James – laughed at him and replied that Slytherin was worth nothing. The other boy, Sirius, was at first more measured in his words by answering that his whole family had been sent there, but that perhaps he would make another choice. And there James had spoken the name of another house, Gryffindor. Severus had never told her about it. James had said that the bravest, like his father, were sorted in this house. Severus had sneered and hinted that Gryffindor was welcoming only muscular morons, devoid of intellect. The discussion could have ended there, or perhaps even calmed down, but Sirius replied by saying that Severus was neither brawny nor brainy. Annoyed by the two boys and unable to participate in an argument, Lily – who hadn't said a word to the two new ones – had announced her decision to leave the compartment with Severus. The two friends had risen to leave, and James had even attempted to trip Severus. And the odious nickname, which had never left Severus, had blossomed between the lips of one of the two boys: Snivellus.

Lily and Severus had found another compartment, and they hadn't been bothered during the trip. At the Sorting Ceremony, they weren't both sent to Slytherin. Severus had made an unfortunate error of judgment in thinking that Lily would be just like him sorted there. Lily was a Muggle-born and Slytherin was a sectarian house. Did Severus not know this, or did he really think the Sorting Hat would make an exception for his only friend? He had told her that being a Muggle-born was irrelevant. Lily had been sent to Gryffindor and had found with displeasure the two boys of the train.

They were obviously both disappointed. Severus would have liked to have Lily with him at Slytherin, and Lily would have wanted Severus to join her at Gryffindor. If they didn't share the same common room, they had some classes in common, including potions. And they saw each other in their free time.

Gradually, Lily had made her mark at Hogwarts and made new friends. Mary Macdonald, who was also a Muggle-born, had become her friend. Lily had also become close to Remus Lupin, a very calm, sickly-looking boy. Severus hadn't really liked these new friendships. Lily sometimes felt that Severus only wanted her for himself, that he was jealous of all those to whom Lily extended her sympathy. At the time, she still reassured Severus, told him that he was her best friend and that it was normal for her to have friends other than him. She even encouraged him to bond with other students. She had tried to bring him closer to Remus Lupin, but Severus didn't seem to like him, while Remus was only kind to him. Naive, she had suggested him to sympathize with the students of Slytherin. At that time, she was far from thinking that Mulciber, Avery, Rosier, Wilkes – children their age – would become Death Eaters. They were just kids, and in first grade Lily wasn't really aware of the conflicts that existed between the different houses. Of course, she heard a lot of rumours about Slytherin, but she didn't really take them seriously.

Then step by step, she understood. Many of Slytherin's students were unfriendly, and treated children from Muggle families, like Lily, with contempt. When Lily talked to Severus about it, he turned a deaf ear. He said it wasn't serious, it was just bad jokes— Sometimes she even felt that Severus was ashamed to talk to her when one or more other Slytherins were around. When Lily approached the subject, he told her that she had ideas.

The subjects that divided them became legion over the years at Hogwarts. The most important were the Marauders, a group of four boys sorted in Gryffindor: James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Three of them constantly harassed Severus, and the Slytherin made them well. He even pushed them to the limit, provoked them. And then he was obsessed with Remus' monthly disappearances. Every month, Remus Lupin was away from school for a day or two. He always had a good excuse. His mother was sick, or he was sick. But one night, Severus saw him come out of the castle with Madam Pomfrey, the nurse, and disappear at the Whomping Willow, a tree that no one dared to approach. Remus had never done anything to Severus, but the Slytherin was relentless and persisted in wanting to discover his secret.

A few weeks before their friendship ended, Severus made terrible allegations. At the time, they were in their fifth grade, and Lily was aware that Severus had been in trouble leaving one night his dorm to venture into the park. She had learned that he had almost been seriously injured and that James Potter – who had also broken the curfew – had saved him from certain death in the tunnel under the bellicose tree. Far from feeling grateful, Severus had only detested his providential saviour more. Severus had obviously shared his theories about Remus Lupin. He had told Lily that he was almost certain that the Marauder was a werewolf, for he disappeared strangely at each full moon. The Gryffindor hadn't lent much. The werewolves enjoyed a dreadful reputation within the magical community, and Lily didn't imagine that a being as gentle as Remus could be one.

In the end, Severus was right, because in seventh grade Lily had learned the truth. She started dating James, and he agreed to tell her why he and his friends would sneak out so often at night. Remus had become a werewolf as a child. He had been infected by a certain Greyback, who had wanted revenge on Mr. Lupin, Remus' father. This event had turned his life upside down, and until Dumbledore visited his parents, Remus believed he would never go to Hogwarts, as no werewolves had ever been accepted. The Whooping Willow had been planted just before Remus arrived at the school and concealed a secret passage that led to a sort of hut in which the lycanthrope transformed with each full moon.

Sirius had half-heartedly admitted that he had made a bad joke to Severus during their fifth year. He was tired of seeing him running around, trying to find out what they were doing. Then he had told him that all he had to do was tickle the root of the Whooping Willow and see for himself what he and his friends were making. This idiot had taken the bait and saw Remus in full transformation. The werewolf – who wasn't aware of what he was doing – nearly attacked Severus, and James barely saved him. Dumbledore had then put the case under the rug, and sent Sirius, James and even Severus in detention. Remus, who was innocent in the story, hadn't been worried, but the Slytherin – blinded by his hatred of the Marauders – had never ceased to think that the werewolf had participated in his assassination attempt.

This was what Severus had sought to reveal to Lily, a few weeks before their O.W.L.s. Dumbledore had forbidden him to speak to anyone about this misadventure because Remus, as a werewolf, was at risk of being worried by the Ministry. James Potter bragged about saving Snivellus' skin but didn't go into details.

Lily was just thinking about that conversation. It was an argument. Mulciber, who had subsequently joined Voldemort, had, a few days earlier, tried to cast an unforgivable spell on Lily's friend Mary Macdonald. He didn't want to kill her, or even torture her... He tried to control her by throwing an Imperio at the Muggle-born, to make her do very degrading, humiliating things. Fortunately for Mary, he hadn't succeeded, otherwise he would have been fired without any mercy. Severus, far from being offended, thought it was just a joke and argued that Potter and his clique weren't better. Lily, angry, hadn't let him explain.

She didn't particularly like James either. She found him arrogant at the time, and she felt insulted by knowing that the chaser had an interest in her. Severus had noticed it, and she didn't like it. At that time, Lily didn't even consider that Severus could be in love with her. He was jealous of all those who frequented the Gryffindor in one way or another. The possessiveness of the Slytherin toward her grew even heavier. She loved him as a friend and persisted in making excuses for him. Maybe he was afraid of losing her, he wanted to protect her from certain individuals—

The rupture was consumed by the lake a few weeks later. Severus, again, had been targeted by the Marauders. She hadn't thought confronting James Potter. After all, Severus always complained that she never clearly took his side, for they were Gryffindor, and he was an infamous little Slytherin. So, she ordered James Potter and Sirius Black to leave Severus alone, who was being held back by invisible ropes. Severus was ranting and insulting them. James, a scoundrel, had finally accepted, not without having monetized this grace by asking Lily to date with him. Lily would rather kiss the giant squid than have him as her boyfriend. Severus, who could have slipped away, hadn't let himself be done and had taken advantage of the first opportunity to cut James' cheek with a curse. Then everything got out of hand...

James had replied by suspending Severus by the feet, leaving in plain sight greyish pants. Lily, furious, had continued to help her friend by imploring James to leave him alone for the last time. Mockingly, Potter had petrified him and threatened Lily to do the same with her. Then he gave up the weapons momentarily by releasing Severus. Everything could have stopped there again. The Marauders and onlookers could have returned to their occupations, and Severus and Lily would have gone away from them. Lily would have comforted him, made fun of James and Sirius with him, and lectured him on James' deserved cut. But the Marauder had somehow pushed Severus to thank Lily, and the Slytherin had uttered the supreme, most hurtful insult: "I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" It wasn't the first time she was insulted with those words. She didn't care when it came to Mulciber, Avery and the others, but she never thought Severus, her best friend, would dare use those disgusting words against her. She wanted to run away and cry, but all she did was blink. Severus wasn't very smart. Not only had he lost her friendship by insulting her, but he had also given the Marauders another opportunity to humiliate him.

James forced Severus to apologize, but Lily didn't care. James Potter annoyed her to the point, and she passed on her nerves by telling him his four truths. He was no better than Severus in the back. He was as bad as he was, and perhaps even worse, for he hid behind his great principles to cast spells upon all those whom he didn't love. Then she had left them all, James, gawking, and Snivellus to his fate. Too bad for him, if James Potter humiliated him by removing his pants, it needed to be washed anyway.

That same evening, Severus had dared to appear before the portrait of the Fat Lady. Lily expected it. He even had the nerve to implore Mary Macdonald to fetch her. Lily, still furious, wore her dressing gown. She had hesitated a bit, but Mary had told her that Severus was threatening to camp outside their common room until Lily came to talk to him. She even laughed when she heard this. Severus slept in front of the Fat Lady. She had even been tempted to prolong the pleasure for a few days, to marinate him, but she resented him too much to do that. She was also prefect and had to ensure that no scuffles took place. If the Marauders fell on him, she would hear about it.

She had thus crossed the passage behind the painting and had found a nervous boy who was merging into an apology. The Gryffindor was sick and tired of hearing him apologize, saying he was sorry, when he was doing it all over again. He claimed that he didn't want to insult her, that the words had gone like that... He lied badly, he always lied badly. He used Mudblood to call all the Muggles-born when he was with his little Slytherins comrades, probably to make himself known to them. He was a coward, an idiot, and a scoundrel.

Severus had really set her off, and her pretence of repentance had only made things worse. It was time for her to cross him out of her life, or at least make him believe it. Lily had thought that if Severus lost her friendship, he would do anything to regain it by changing. It was risky, but she couldn't see it any other way. If Severus really cared about her, then he would stop his bad company, his low blows and all his suspicious activities. If he really loved her, then he would take another path.

This break had only confirmed Lily's sad opinion of Severus. For years, until that sad Halloween night, they didn't speak to each other, and Severus – as she feared – ended up becoming a Death Eater.

In the living room of Spinner's End, Lily, Wool lying on her knees, watched the master of the place who read an old grimoire in his armchair. In the end, the result she had expected five years earlier was perhaps taking shape. Sometimes you had to take a few detours before finding your way. Losing Lily's friendship in grade five didn't make him deviate one iota, but the idea of losing her completely had produced the effect that the redhead had been looking for five years.