Gift
September 1, 1994
Draco
Returning to Hogwarts is like returning to breathe: the oppressive weight I carried on my chest during the summer dissolves and I feel human again, no longer an empty shell of obedience and fear.
I have to lie, I have to be the cruel Prince of the Serpents, I have to pretend to be someone I am not, but I prefer it to who I become when I am locked inside the Manor.
Sometimes I wonder who I really am, I have never been alone enough to find out. I have to wear a mask wherever I go, depending on the situation, the people around me, but in the end I don’t really know myself.
I close the door behind me, enjoying one of the rare moments when I am alone with myself.
I am the only one in the dormitory; Nott and Zabini should still be in the Great Hall placing bets on who will be the Hogwarts student chosen for the Triwizard Tournament.
I sit on the bed, looking at the large black trunk with the Slytherin crest at the end of my bed, the cage of my royal owl perched on top along with the new set of cauldrons that my mother gave me for the start of the school year.
A brown diary, worn at the edges and stained, catches my attention. That certainly isn’t mine.
I point the wand at the striped cover, making it levitate to the desk, a folded note falls to the ground before it can reach the wooden surface.
What if it’s some dark artifact of my father’s? Or if it was meant for him? It could be cursed.
I look for the dragon leather gloves in the trunk, putting them on right away so I can at least touch that piece of paper without coming into contact with any curse.
I feel my heart beating in my ears as I kneel down to pick it up. It is folded more times than I imagined, it looks like a page torn from an old notebook, it is yellow and dirty on the edges.
Slowly, I open it and a messy but elegant handwriting fills the sheet.
“Draco Lucius Malfoy, you proposed freedom to me, I am pleased to inform you that I intend to return the favor. This is a two-way diary with which we can discuss the logistical details of your escape from “prison”. As I imagine you know, all of this must remain secret, no one must be aware of this correspondence. I apologize for my cold welcome that evening but, as you can imagine, I was close to death and was not in the right mood. I had my opportunity to escape, you now have yours. Yours, Sirius Orion Black III”
It can’t be.
I back away with the letter still in my hands until I fall onto the armchair in the corner of the room, rereading word after word for the umpteenth time, unable to comprehend all this.
I summon the diary with trembling hands, the gloves now forgotten on the armrest to my right, and stare at the worn cover.
Is this really happening?
Hesitant, I open the first page and rest the pen on it, the ink crosses the paper but I don’t have the courage to write anything.
What could I say?
“Hello Draco” appears on the page shortly after, the message disappears as soon as I finish reading it.
“Sirius?” I write, seeing the words erase as soon as the paper absorbs the ink.
“Yes” “As I think you have understood, the diary immediately deletes what is written or read, it is only an additional security measure” “I wanted to apologize again for that evening, I was not very lucid, I can assure you that I am much calmer, especially knowing that I do not have to be executed”
Why? Why is he helping me if I have nothing more to offer him? Why does he seem so different from that evening? Why is he so kind?
“Aren’t you on their side anymore?” I ask, imagining some scenarios. What does he gain from helping me?
“I have never been on their side, and I never will be” “Trust me, I will have the opportunity to explain everything, you just need to be patient and I can assure you that you will not have to go back to him”
So he’s not a Death Eater? However, none of this makes sense, nothing plays in his favor. Should I trust him? Should I really revive that hope that has long since vanished?
“Thank you Sirius”, I simply reply, dropping the notebook on the bed.
If the idea of returning to Hogwarts allowed me to breathe, made me feel safe, the idea that someone cares about me, the idea of not having to go back to the Manor, makes me feel as if I’ve been holding my breath all my life and I’m taking my first breath right now.
December 26, 1994
I search for the diary with tear-filled eyes, dragging the weight of my right leg, unable to lift it from the floor.
I’m lying on the ground when I open the pages of the diary, empty. I stare at them, not knowing if I can take the liberty to write in it or not.
However, I notice something quite interesting, the diary also absorbs blood.
“Sirius,” I begin, uncertain about continuing. I’ve never spoken to him in this way; we’ve only discussed possible escape plans, but I’ve never confided in him. Tonight, though, I’m at my limit and desperately need to talk to someone.
“Sorry if I’m writing to you at this hour but I need to talk, you’re the closest person to a confidant that I have”
To my great surprise, the diary also absorbs tears, will Sirius be able to see them?
“Sometimes I wonder why he doesn’t kill me, you know? As a child, I thought it was normal to spend Christmas Eve in the basements, I thought that’s how we paid for all the harm we did to others, I thought everyone did it. Then I arrived at Hogwarts and discovered how everyone else spends the holidays, surrounded by love. I just managed to reach my room, today was the first time, he had never used the Cruciatus on me. Which parent remains impassive while watching you writhing on the ground, screaming? He forbade the elves from helping me because I cried, I don’t even know how to start healing all the wounds. Usually, with cutting curses, I manage not to shed a single tear but only because I’m used to it, which spell numbs the body? Everything hurts me”
I wait, looking at the blank pages, hoping for an answer and advice that don’t come.
“I’m scared, I want to escape from here, the more time passes, the worse it gets” “He punished me because I’m weak, and Sirius is right, I am weak, I can’t stand any of this anymore”
The last words are confused, the tremor in my hand is too evident, is it because of the Cruciatus?
“Everyone at dinner tonight noticed that I had a black eye and no one said anything, they are all so scared of him. In the end, he will send me back to Hogwarts having me put back together by some elf and everything will be forgotten, for him and everyone else but I remember, I remember every punishment”
“How can a father do this to you? How can the man who brought you into the world inflict so much pain on you?” I ask rhetorically, pressing hard with the pen, piercing the page.
Anger and fear mix, making me go from moments of pure discomfort to irritability. I’m exhausted.
I miss Dobby, he would have taken care of me despite my father’s prohibition, he would have taken any punishment in my place. I envy him for being able to escape from this cell, even though he left without looking back, leaving me alone in his hands. Nevertheless, I’m not angry with him, I would have done the same.
I manage to put on clean pants, striving in this great endeavor, when black words appear in the notebook.
“Hello Draco” “If I used the wrong cutlery at dinner, my mother would cut my arms. If I fell from the broom, my father would crash me to the ground. I’ve experienced the Cruciatus several times, more than I’d like to admit” “I know you have difficulty trusting me, but that’s why I want to help you, even without anything in return. I know what it feels like, I know what it means to be afraid to fall asleep in your own bed”
I nod in the dark, as if he could see me, the blood crusted on my cheek mixes with tears, staining the diary pages a light pink.
I’m terrified to fall asleep and open my eyes with my father’s wand pointed at my face.
“I had a plan, a bit crazy and extreme, I wanted to come up with others and use that as a last solution but it’s late. Extreme situations require extreme solutions”
“What plan?” I write, unable to contain a sob.
“I spoke with your aunt Andromeda, she said she will be happy to welcome you, I also thought of having you come to stay with me and Remus but Harry comes to visit us very often, how you can spend the summer at his house is not yet clear to me though, I still have to come up with something”
I’m about to answer him, I’m about to rest the feather on the pages but his steps make the walls vibrate.
In an instant, I hide the diary under the bed and turn towards the door just in time to see him enter my room.
“I heard you crying from the other room”, he spits with hatred, “you’re weak, how do you think the Dark Lord can want you if you’re like this?”
The wand is pointed at my chest, the tip is lit red. For the second time tonight, I know what it feels like to be under Crucio, I feel the skin tearing from the bones.
I manage to remain more or less silent, staring at the diary.
This is the last time he does this to me, I will escape from this house. It’s the last time. The last time.