The New Marauders

My plate is full of food, every kind of delicious delicacy is impeccably arranged in front of all of us.

But I can’t feel hungry, my stomach closes at the thought of Diggory’s corpse, Dumbledore’s long speech only increases the feeling of discomfort.

I try not to think about what he is saying, I try to ignore his words, I try to avoid listening to the sobs coming from the different tables. I try, I really try, until I can’t do it anymore.

“Cedric Diggory was murdered…by Lord Voldemort”.

Hearing his name, knowing that he has returned, makes me tremble, a pure terror spreads in every part of my body. A wave of fear almost makes me bend over on the bench.

He really came back, in the end.

I feel a surge of vomit that I suppress, daring to shift my gaze on my companions, they are all trying to hide their emotions, occluding them deep down but I can still notice the terror in their eyes.

Nott gets up abruptly from the bench, simultaneously with other students as soon as Dumbledore’s speech is over, and quickly heads out of the Great Hall.

I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t feel empathy for any of them; yet, I find myself standing, determined to follow him.

“Malfoy…” Blaise murmurs grabbing me by the arm, I stare at his hand almost wanting to incinerate it and he immediately retracts it.

“It’s none of your business, Zabini” I reprimand him, moving away from our table.

I leave the Great Hall, my steps echo in the silence of the corridor. My heart beats hard in my chest, every beat brings Dumbledore’s words back into my mind.

“Lord Voldemort has returned”.

I stop for a moment, leaning against the cold stone wall. I breathe deeply, trying to calm myself down in vain. I can’t shake the image of Diggory from my mind, his pale face, his empty eyes. His father’s screams.

I turn right, trying to guess where he might have gone. I find Theo bent over, in front of the black lake, shaken by sobs. His hands and knees are resting on the ground while I hear him crying from meters away.

I approach him, uncertain how to behave, I am almost a meter from him when he finally notices my presence. He gets up abruptly, choking every sound and wiping his tears.

“Malfoy, I’m not used to doing this but please, I beg you, don’t say a word to my father about all this” he hisses through clenched teeth, staring at me with terror.

I look at him confused, I have never shown him affection, we are not exactly friends but we have been living together for four years, why should I betray him? “Why should I tell your father?” I ask, remaining motionless.

A bitter laugh echoes in his throat, a cruel and resigned smile lights up his face. “Oh Malfoy, come on, the glorious Pureblood Prince who doesn’t spy on daddy? Who are you kidding?”

“Watch how you talk, Nott”, I reprimand him and he lowers his head slightly. “I would never spy on my father about any of us”.

I notice with horror a tear falling from his eye, while he remains motionless without saying anything. “What’s going on?” I ask, risking a bit too much.

He doesn’t answer, but more tears run down his face as he stares helplessly at his shoes.

“Damn, Nott” I exclaim exasperated, pulling out the wand from my pants. He recoils, taking a step back. I ignore the pain he caused me to see him react like this, before stretching the wand towards him.

How can he think that I could ever hit him?

His eyes fly into mine, confused and amazed. “Take it”, I order and in an instant I find myself disarmed in front of him.

“Tell me what’s going on, then erase my memory, I can’t defend myself now but talk to me, trust me”.

He shifts his gaze from me to the wooden stick in his hands, uncertain how to behave now.

“You know he really came back, right? You know what we’ll have to do now, don’t you?” he asks, spinning the wand between his fingers.

I swallow hard, I know better than anyone else what awaits us. “Yes”.

“Good, because I’m terrified…” he admits, before bursting out laughing, “…and I’m less afraid of that bastard than of my father”.

“I can imagine Theo, I saw you at Christmas” I say risking everything, he was also present at the dinner at my house, he could barely walk.

His eyes cross with mine, he looks at me with anger, getting closer by a few steps. His breath hits my face directly. “And of course, the cruel King of Slytherin, never thought of helping me” he hisses, dilating his nostrils. “You never thought, not even for a moment, to come and ask me something? You never tried to understand what was happening to me? You never cared to help me?” he shouts, his facial features distorted by anger.

It’s the first time I see him so angry, it’s the first time he shows me some emotion. And so, for the first time, I show it too.

I rush towards him and grab him by the collar of his already half-open shirt.

“Oh, poor little Theo” I murmur, with a mellow tone, “and what should I have told you? Because you think you’re the only one, right?” I laugh, pushing him away, opening my shirt. The moonlight reflects the scars scattered all over my torso, all the cuts made by my father are now clearly visible.

It’s the first time I show myself so vulnerable.

“Welcome to the club, Theo. Did you really think that at Christmas I had a black eye because of a bludger? Do you know that after you left, my dear dad used the Cruciatus on me, in the basement? Have you ever noticed that I don’t shower when you’re in the room to avoid you seeing them?” I ask, advancing question after question towards him. Only when our shoes touch, I start talking again, breathing hard. “So trust me, I’m sorry I never asked you what you were going through but I didn’t need to, I know better than anyone else what you’re living”.

He stares at my chest for a long time, his eyes slightly wide open as he examines every cut and, maybe now, after years, it’s the first time we really see each other.

With wet eyes, he raises his gaze on me, I can distinguish the brown of his irises. He is not occluding, he is showing me all his pain.

“I want to get out of there, Draco…” he murmurs as big tears run down his cheeks “…I’m scared”.

Malfoys never cry.

Yet tears run down my face, in stark contradiction to one of the thousand rules my father taught me. I draw Theo towards me, his head resting on my shoulder while his sobs fill the air. “Me too…” I whisper in his ear, my words only increase his crying.

We stay like this, motionless, until his tears end and he moves away from me. My wand is again pointed at my chest. “I still intend to erase your memory”, he murmurs, “but I have something else to confess and I need to tell someone”.

He takes a deep breath, the wooden stick still high in my direction.

“He’s dead, Draco, he’s dead and I loved him so much”, he says so softly that I can hardly hear his words.

Cedric Diggory is dead. He loved Cedric.

“Were you together?” I ask, remaining motionless. His head moves up and down, his eyes are red and I imagine that if he hadn’t exhausted every drop of liquid in his body, he would still be crying.

“I loved him and he’s dead…” he murmurs, his shoulders give way slightly.

In an instant, I relive the whole year just passed, understanding only now his strange behaviors, his sudden disappearances and his fluctuating mood, his anger at the Yule Ball. Cedric had brought Cho. So tonight, he didn’t just see a schoolmate die, but a person he loved.

I approach very slowly, he raises his chin clenching his jaw, still firmly pointing the wand in my direction.

I spread my arms towards him, hugging someone for the first time as far as I can remember. I feel his body relax against mine, I see his shoulders give way and I hear the thud of the wand falling to the ground.

“I’m sorry Theo, they can’t even imagine what you’re going through” I say sincerely, squeezing him a little harder when I feel his breath become more labored.

“Damn, Malfoy” he murmurs, moving away shortly after. “Thank you, I didn’t expect this” he adds, bending down to pick up my wand.

I swallow empty, spreading my arms. “I’m ready, obliviate me”.

He smiles at me, and for a moment I think I’ve never seen Theodore Nott smile like that. Then he gives me back the wand, pointing it at himself instead of me.

“I’m giving you my trust” he says, as I firmly grasp the wood.

“I won’t let you down” I reply, slipping it into my pants pocket.

I return his smile and together we walk towards the castle. For the first time, we walk side by side.

June 25, 1995