Love and Calm
The next week went by fairly smoothly. Sirius and Remus had taken Regulus around the town, and to a few places, it was nice and calm. it was not their hometown so Regulus did not have the panic about seeing their parents or Lucius while out. Regulus also had a few more fencing lessons. and while the practice did not take his mind off of things completely, it was enough that his mind did not drift to James and the letter he sent.
Sirius and him had decided to leave the talks about Lucius, their parents, and Regulus's brush with death alone. as long as the boy was getting some type of help. Sirius was fine not bringing it up. Though he did have to keep Remus from telling his brother to talk about it.
Regulus had finally opened up to Remus about a few things. He was still closed off, and did not open up fully, but it was progress. And Remus had been nice. They had been reading a bit together and talking a bit. Regulus learned that Remus enjoyed reading, tea and being outside. He didn't know how Sirius got such a calm man to settle for him. but it worked.
Remus also had a few ideas for wedding arrangements, and decorations. Regulus had asked if the man needed help. and Remus was surprised, but accepted the offer.
He continued fencing but at a slower pace. and eventually after two weeks he found himself writing a letter to james. He didn't expect the man to respond to him. He hated waiting what was considered a rude amount of time between getting the letter and trying to respond.
The letter wasn't very long. and he did not know what to write. He was still upset, and mad, not at him, just at everything. But James did not know that. and Regulus could not express the emotion properly even with words.
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Dear James,
I am glad to hear that you are not upset with me, and that you are not mad. I did not mean to make you worry. but me running away the next morning had to have been a fright. even if I did leave you a letter.
I'm not ready to see you yet, I have a lot of things that I need to sort out. and seeing you will not help that. and while i can not say I will be back, but you can send letters, and i will respond. Sirius said I need to heal some, and I intend to do that.
Yours,
R.A.B
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He gave the letter to a servant who was instructed to put it in the post.
he sighed, he knew his response was short and a little rude. but he wasn't good with emotions. He would never claim to be. He could never say things outright and when he was pushed into a corner he fought tooth and nail to get out. He remembered someone telling him once that sometimes they forgot that he was just 17.
that he still had emotions and outbursts. Like teenagers did. Like humans did.
James was an emotional person, and Regulus was not. At Least he didn't show them.
He was not ready to deal with the fact that his brother had called him stupid for not realizing that James was in love with him. And the thought of his parents or his brother being right was something he never wanted to happen.It was his own stubbornness and fear that was keeping him from accepting James. No matter how stupid or internal it was now that he was not held back by the constraints and abuse of their family.
But he could not accept him.
Regulus took a deep breath and got up, He needed a break or else he would start spiraling once more. He had been doing better, Sirius and Remus had noticed the improvement and they both were happy, but Regulus could not get rid of the thoughts that were in his head. and it was becoming unbearable. though lighter in some sense.
He needed to learn how to cope and live with all this. even if the thought made him want to vomit and hide away.
it was going to get better.
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Things took good turns after that, James and him began to exchange small letters here and there twice every week or two. just sharing everyday information with one another. it was a slow progress, and Regulus was not sure if they were going anywhere with it. He was not sure if he was ready to let himself feel those emotions, or if he was ready to admit what was going on between the two of them. and while the two did not discuss it in depth in the letters.
it did make him smile as he opened them, and wrote him back.
he found himself thinking of things to write to him about. and looking forward to the letters.
"You seem happy today." Remus said as the three of them sat down for tea.
"I'm always happy.”
"Sure you are." Sirius replied.
Regulus gave him a look, but could not deny the fact. He did seem a lot happier, and not so closed off, he could feel himself becoming more comfortable and relaxed. it was a feeling he had never known before.
"I was wondering if you wanted to go somewhere." Remus said.
"Where?"
"a party."
Regulus frowned. He was not a party person. Plus if that party meant seeing people from their family or their families friends. Even if Lucius wasn’t going to come he still didn’t know what his friends would do. and he was not sure if he could deal with the drama.
"I don't know." Regulus admitted,
"Come on, it will be fun, I think you will enjoy yourself ."
“What is it for?” He asked.
Remus and Sirius shared a look “well it may be our engagement party, but do not worry. We have not invited anyone from our parents circle. It’ll be rather small. and we are inviting a few close friends, including the Potters. but that was just in case you are okay with that, it will be a few weeks till the wedding. and we want you to be a part of it, and I know the thought of being surrounded by people may not be your choice of afternoons, but please consider it.” Sirius explained to him.
Regulus knew Sirius would not push him. and Remus wouldn't either.
but the thought of seeing James, He wanted to see him. Even though their letters have been frequent he still knew there was a conversation to be had between them. It was obviously more than a friendship, and he knew James could not deny that. And as much as he tried to fight against it.
he was not.
he wasn't going to pretend that his heart did not skip a beat when he got a letter.
or his cheeks flushed when he read a sweet word.
or the butterflies in his stomach.
And while he had been scared, and upset. and a bit angry, James had been nothing but kind. And understanding. Nothing like regulus has ever been offered before.
Regulus nodded, "I'll go." he told the couple. Sirius and Remus smiled and started planning. Regulus sat back, and sipped his tea. He could feel himself smiling. It had become harder to hide lately, the happiness that creeped up on him whenever he found himself reading a book he enjoyed, or thinking about a person he rather enjoyed. He no longer was threatened when he showed emotion towards something. It was nice. and the best part of his day was reading the letters. and he had never been more excited for a party in his life.
He had never been allowed to attend balls or parties until the age of 17. and even after that he only went to three of them before he was going to be engaged. He was never allowed to socialize with many, only his family's small circle. He was watched like a hawk because he had to be perfect. but, he supposed not anymore. He could talk with whoever he liked. dance with whoever he liked. and not be bound by their parents' rules.
he had never been so free in his life. and it was nice.
It was very nice.
And he wanted more of it.
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The day of the party, Regulus had dressed himself.
He was wearing a dark navy jacket, black pants, and white shirt. He wore a few pieces of jewelry, a few necklaces, and a bracelet that he had been wearing since the age of 15; it was something that he didn't take off very often. It was brown leather and held a simple charm of a snake on it. It had been his fathers before him, and Regulus could remember a time when his father wore it, he had always wanted it, and one day when his father was not wearing it, he took it and hid it.
He looked in the mirror and he heard a knock at his door, "come in" he called, he assumed it was a maid or servant coming to tell him something. Instead, he saw his brother, standing in the doorway.
"You look beautiful, Reggie, are you sure you're not my sister? You look way too pretty to be a man" Sirius teased him.
"ha. ha. With how many times I have heard men say it. you would think you're a sister with your unruly hair. " Regulus bit at him rolling his eyes.
"You are a brat, my hair is perfect," Sirius said to him.
Regulus shook his head, "no it's not."
"Whatever you think Reg."
The two boys stood there, not knowing what to say, their conversations were never easy, or lighthearted, and it was awkward when the two of them did not have anything to talk about. it was either brotherly bickering, fighting, or conversations about the past and how to get better.
"So... the party is in a few hours." Regulus said.
"Yeah"
"Are you nervous?"
"about the party? no, about seeing Remus's friends? Yes." Sirius told him.
Regulus knew that his brother was a very anxious person, while he could stand up to their parents while he himself could not when it came to others the man was still figuring himself out. Regulus knew that it was tough. Suddenly breaking out of the box you had lived in your entire life was not easy at all. nor was learning to live outside of it.
"I'm sure you'll be fine, Remus will be there."
Sirius gave a sad smile. Regulus could tell there was something his brother wasn't saying.
"Sirius?"
"Yes?"
"What is wrong, and please don't lie, and tell me it's nothing, I know you Sirius, you are a terrible liar, and you are acting strange."
Sirius shook his head, "no I'm fine. I promise."
"If you're lying to me I'm not going to talk to you for a week."
"I wouldn't dream of it. Now come on, lets go get you out with some real people out in society. make some friends who aren't absolute dickheads'' sirius told him
Regulus nodded and followed his brother out.
He could not stop thinking about how the night would go, and about James, and about all the things that could go wrong.
He could not help but feel sick to his stomach. but he pushed past it. and the two black brothers walked downstairs, to where remus was waiting, and the three of them left their home to travel further out into the country to the hall where remus had permission to let his friends throw them this party. It was also the same place he and Sirius were going to be married at in the next few weeks.
Regulus was surprised his brother had agreed to an autumn wedding, and that they had not eloped. While he knew that his brother was no virgin, he had a feeling that Sirius and Remus had consummated their marriage before engagement was even on the table. their ancestors were turning in their graves no doubt.
but as the boy looked at his brother who was so in love with the man he was sitting next to, he found that he thought nothing was wrong with that, and it was not improper just their nature. human nature. and he was ready to celebrate his brother's love.