Letters from him
As Regulus woke up the next morning, the first thing he felt was his aching body. His head was pounding, and his chest was tight. He had never felt so awful in his life. that was an utter lie, but he was allowed to be a drama queen sometimes. He did not want to get up. It was raining outside. and the thought of having to do anything, or talk to anyone, and the possibility of him having to deal with his brother, or even worse, Remus was not something that Regulus wanted to deal with at the moment.
He had spoken briefly with Sirius about resuming fencing and his brother seemed on board with the idea. Although not happy, Regulus knew his brother was aware of his mental health, and his habits.
"You have to take care of yourself, Regulus." Sirius had said.
"I'm fine," he told him.
It was what he did, he pushed himself, it was the only way he got better.
Regulus laid back down and covered himself with the blankets. He could hear people downstairs, and the sound of laughter, his brother and Remus were probably laughing and flirting and being in love. and all Regulus could think about was how he ruined everything for himself, how his brother left, and how it was all his fault. and the thought of his parents, his home, his name, it was all too much. he needed to stop spiraling.
So he pulled himself out of bed, made sure he at least didn't look like the walking dead, and went downstairs. He hoped that Remus and Sirius would have some decency to not talk about the night prior. but no such luck, Remus had noticed his arrival immediately. "good morning Regulus." he greeted. Regulus was not rude. so he was forced to greet the man, and his brother, and act as if everything was fine.
"morning." he replied, and sat down.
"A letter came for you" Sirius told him, handing him a small envelope. It was a warm yellow paper, sealed with a dark, deep red seal.
Regulus grabbed the envelope and saw the wax seal. with the letter "P" on it and his stomach dropped. It was the Potters. he had not received any mail since his stay with the viscount. and he had a very good guess as to what the letter was about.
"i'll leave you alone Reg" Sirius told him, pulling Remus with him to give his little brother some privacy.
Regulus looked at the letter, and after a few seconds of debating, anxiety, and the need to open the letter. He did.
-------------
Dear Regulus,
I know you said not to send you a letter, or to come after you, but I felt the need to contact you, I know you're probably scared, and confused, but you have to know I would never do anything to hurt you. I hope you know that at the very least. I miss you.
and I am glad you are with your brother. Sirius seems to care about you a lot. and I hope that things between you and him are getting better. I do not want you to have to deal with what we have, or what our families have, I just want you to be happy.
I'm not going to push you into anything, and I'm not going to show up on your doorstep and demand that you return to me. I can't. but please, at least let me know that you're safe, that you're alive, and not drowning yourself in your own sorrow because you wont allow yourself the simple happiness of letting yourself be loved, because i care too much about you to let you do that.
If you decide to reply, please send a letter back to me. I have sent a few letters to your brother as well. and I hope to hear back from the two of you.
Love,
and Forever Yours,
James Potter
--------------------
Regulus sat the letter down on the table, there was a small flower tapped to the parchment. Regulus didn't tear it off of the page but he recognized it. It was a small flower of a lavender bush. the same one he had asked James about that night. that night in the green house. and that night, those moments were still etched into his brain. James's touch, the taste of the man's lips. the way he made Regulus feel. The man was intoxicating, and yet, he was not ready to admit that to himself.
Regulus sighed. and placed the letter back in the envelope. and stood up. He headed upstairs placing the letter inside his room before he walked back out into the hallway and knocked on his brother's door.
"Sirius."
"Yes Reg."
"Do you know where any fencing equipment is?"
"I'll have it brought to you."
"Thank you."
Regulus left and headed back to his room. The last thing he wanted to do was be stuck inside his own head. so he did the one thing that helped him escape. As soon as the equipment was brought to him. he went to the garden and started, not caring how hard it was, or if he wasn't wearing the proper attire. He just needed to move, to do something. to get his mind off of his current predicament.
Regulus practiced for hours, he was sweaty and tired by the time he was interrupted.
"You need to stop doing this."
Regulus turned his head and saw his brother. Sirius had his arms crossed and a frown on his face.
"I don't know what youre talking about."
"I mean the way you act. You think im stupid or something. Reg, I know what you're doing. You think your hiding it, but I see right through you. You're hurting, and you need help."
"I'm fine."
"No. You're not, and I'm not going to sit here and watch my brother kill himself."
"Im not going to kill myself, im just practicing."
"Reg, please, dont lie to me, I'm not stupid, I know what it looks like when someone is falling apart. and you are."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Reg, I left you with a man that I knew was a terrible person, I left you to deal with all the things that I could not, and I feel horrible about it, I do, and the guilt is eating me alive. And seeing you like this. knowing what's happened to you, and the things that I should have been there for. It's killing me.``
Regulus looked at his brother. Sirius had a sad look on his face. He threw his sword down. and sighed. "what do you want me to say Sirius!"he barked
"tell me the truth. Tell me how you are feeling. because I can't fix what's wrong if I don't know what it is." Sirius begged him.
Regulus shook his head, "and if I do not even know where to begin?" regulus asked.
"try." Sirius told him sternly.
Regulus was silent. He did not know how to talk about his feelings. He didn't even know how he was feeling. He felt broken, confused, and lost. but he couldn't form the words. He needed his brother, and unlike the last few weeks Sirius was there and Sirius's arms were around him. and his face was pressed into his shoulder. and his hands were resting on his back. Regulus was frozen. He did not know what to do. and he could feel his breath shortening, and the tears beginning to spill. and all the emotions from the past week and a half hit him like a brick wall. and he was unable to process it all.
"Reg, it's okay, it's going to be okay." his brother told him.
"It's not." Regulus mumbled into his shoulder.
"you have to stop blaming yourself." Sirius said,
"you don't understand."
"then make me understand." Sirius told him. he doubted that he would be able to, because most of his brother's thoughts were irrational in nature. especially when they blamed himself for the actions and problems of other people.
"i just.." he could not finish his sentence.
"It's not your fault." Sirius told him.
Regulus wasn't sure why his brother was saying that, but it didn't make him feel any better, and all he wanted to do was go back to the Viscounts home, and have James hold him, and tell him that he was safe, and loved, and not alone. but he could not do that, not now, not ever.
but Sirius knew James better than anyone else, including he did. He looked up at his brother, "do you think James would forgive me for running away. for leaving him after.." he trailed off, his brother did not know of the two of them kissing, at least not to his own knowledge.
"Of course he would, that's not a question Reg, James would never blame you, or hate you. The only reason he is upset is because he cares about you. and wants the best for you. and while what's best is not up to him, he's not going to hate you, or be mad, or anything. He is just concerned, and worried. and all he wants to do is make sure you're okay. he cares for you, and i dare say that i believe that James potter feels something more than care for you"
"What do you mean?"
his older brother laughed "you really are dense aren't you" Sirius told him.
"What." he demanded, asking like a child who didn't know what an adult was talking about and wanted to feel included in the conversation.
"My god you're a idiot, i swear it took me weeks to figure out Remus liked me. maybe its a family thing. the Black brothers are stupid when it comes to love."
"What."
"Reg. James loves you."
"what." he repeated again not out of confusion but out of pure disbelief
"My god are you an echo, I said James Loves you. as in romantically. as if he wants to marry you."
Regulus didn't know what to say. He could not. The thought of James loving him was a ridiculous idea. though it was one that made sense. If a man he did not love kissed him he would punch him, push him away, not hold him and beg him to stay. "I have to talk to James," he said.
"I don't think that's a good idea." Sirius told him.
"What."
"Reg, I know that you are upset, and angry, and sad, and everything else. but if you go over there, and try to see him, you're going to hurt him, and you're going to get hurt yourself. I'm not saying to never talk to him but to take a few days. you've been through a lot. and James can wait."
"Okay."
Sirius was surprised that Regulus agreed with him, but he was not going to argue, the two of them weren't the closest, and while it was an improvement, he knew it would take a long time for his brother to trust him again, and even longer to heal from the pain that their parents caused. and the pain Sirius had caused as well.
Sirius pulled his brother to him once more, "you ever fucking die again i swear you will not be happy when i find you reg. I was afraid that when I saw you, you still hated me. but I was so glad you were alive. and then when you came here. and we were together. I could not have been happier, and Remus is nice, and I hope that you aren't too upset that I'm marrying him. but Regulus, I don't know what happened that night. but if it was ever self inflicted, or any part of you thought that you deserve that. you do not."
"Lucius pushed me in"
"then why are you so quick to blame yourself"
"because it is the closest thing to home."
"You are so much more than that hell Regulus Arcturus Black. you are more than a name, more than a reputation. I'm sorry if I didn't tell you that enough." Sirius said.
Regulus smiled a small and sad smile, " let's go inside you big sap, and stop getting your caring nature all over me."
Sirius laughed, and Regulus could not help the small real smile that formed.
At least he still had his brother.