Slammed Doors, and Spoken Feelings
Dear James,
By the time you get this, I will be gone. I'm Sorry for leaving without speaking to you first. but i couldn't find it in myself to face you after our night in the green house. I told you I have a bad habit of running away. While I'm sure you are worried, I have to tell you not to be. I'm going to where Sirius is staying, with his new fiance Remus Lupin. I hope to see you again soon, but i cannot see you how we did last night.
Please do not try to go after me, I will not come back with you. Besides, it is improper for two unmarried men to be sharing a living space with one another. even if my situation is not of normal sorts. Goodbye James.
with horrible regret,
Yours, R.A.B
-------------------------------------------
Sirius was not expecting Regulus to show up at his door, so when he did, it was a shock, to not only himself, but Remus as well.
"I didn't think you'd be coming so soon," Sirius said.
"You didn't have to take me in"
"Of course I did, I'm your brother, and I would never leave you behind." Sirius told him. Something about those words tasted sour to Regulus, because he did leave him behind. He did abandon him. The one person he knew he could count on. Now telling him just like he did before that he would never be alone because Sirius was by his side.
He couldn't believe him.
"I'm sure I will get out of your hair soon enough, the last thing I want to do is get in the way of your life." Regulus said to him, they were brothers of course but he was sure Sirius was ready to be rid of all signs of his family. Sirius looked at him with a sad expression, but did not argue with him, he took the bag out of his hand and led him upstairs.
"You will be staying here" he told him as he opened a door,
"It's a nice room." Regulus said,
"yeah, well, i'm glad you think so, now go get settled and i'll bring Remus and introduce the two of you" Sirius told him.
Regulus nodded, it was still tense between the two of them. While apologizes had been said, it didn't mean the words exchanged were undone. it didn't mean that Sirius didn't leave him. "so I get to meet the man youve been fucked so good by that your marrying him" Regulus said as he sat on the bed.
"Regulus!"
"What, it's the truth."
Sirius was not able to say anything, the look on his face made Regulus laugh if only lightly, this was normal for them. and while they were not close, Regulus was glad that their relationship wasn't completely ruined, just a bit off. It reminded him of the first time that Sirius had gotten in Serious trouble. While it was his own fault Regulus knew that Sirius still felt some resentment from him not saying anything or stepping in.
"You have a terrible personality Regulus, and you are the biggest prat in the world, and your face makes me want to vomit" Sirius said. obviously joking with his younger brother. Regulus bit back a smirk.
"You have such a way with words brother, I have no clue how everyone in the town did not fall for them," Regulus replied.
"fuck you."
"Fuck you too."
Sirius turned around and began to walk away.
"Oh and Regulus,"
"Yes."
"I missed you"
Regulus did not know how to respond, so he did not, he just sat down on the bed and watched his brother leave.
----------------
After getting settled, Regulus was taken down stairs and was introduced to the man who his brother was set to marry. He seemed nice, he was quiet. and had a kind smile, the type that made you want to tell him all of your secrets, and one that seemed to have many secrets as well. The man was tall and blonde. Regulus was almost put off by him because of a scar that spread across his face, as well as a few others scattered on his hands and face. He wondered if he was Abused or in a horrible accident that would cause something to scar as big as that.
"It's nice to finally meet you Mr.Black." Remus said,
"It's good to meet you too"
"Sirius has told me alot about you."
"I wish I could say the same about you." Regulus said to him. He did not like the fact this total stranger knew him because his brother couldn't keep his mouth shut. but he never mentioned anything about Remus until Sirius was out the door of their old home for the last time.
"Yes, well, Sirius is an ass and should have told you."
Regulus smiled. "He is an ass."
Remus chuckled.
"So, are you the reason my brother is no longer in our family"
"I suppose you could say that, but then again you're no longer a part of that horrible circle any longer either, I'm glad you both are safer now.” Remus said to him.
"Well, you can't be much worse than what we had, so i can't hate you for that."
"Good, I'm glad I have your approval," Remus said, he was smiling.
Regulus looked him up and down putting the appearance and personality together and came to the conclusion that this man was just his brother's type. "My brother is an ass. but, please don't hurt him, I'd hate to have to hide a body." Regulus said,
The taller man was not put off by his threat and just said to regulus, "I wouldn't dream of it".
--------------------------
After meeting Remus, and eating a small meal, Regulus was taken back upstairs by his brother and they talked for a while, mostly about Sirius and how he met Remus, and the man he was staying with, who he said was very nice, and not the kind of person Regulus thought would settle for Sirius.
he was left to his own after that, Regulus got into his sleep wear and laid down. As he tried to fall asleep he felt his thoughts drift to James. he couldn't be with James he knew that. and it wasn't right, kissing him and leading him on when he could not have him. and he did care about the man, but he did not love him. He couldn't love him. He was a Black, and no one loved him. They loved his family name and money. And his family was a mess, and his name was no longer his.
Remus seemed nice enough, and he was sure Sirius and him would be very happy. The man was sensible, and not put off by his aggressive and not open demeanor. And he was kind, and gentle, and Regulus knew he could be trusted. He could see his brother growing with him. and being happy. and while Remus seemed like a great person, Regulus could not help the jealousy in his heart. his brother was getting to be with the man he loved. and he was stuck with no one.
it was late, and Regulus could hear the rain beating against the window. It was cold, and dark.
and he wanted James there.
the very man he ran away from.
he sighed, he knew the man was no doubt drunk. and that the man would be upset with him, maybe not the first day, or the second, but eventually he would be, and Regulus would lose his only friend, his only companion, and he was not ready for that. so he ran. He never could face him after that. James did so much for him and he did not deserve the man.
he sighed. James had definitely read his letter by now. He could remember what he wrote verbatim. and he couldn't get it out of his head, and the guilt that sat in his chest. and he didn't know how to get it to leave.
"God." he breathed out.
He did not regret his decision. no. He was Regulus. A black. even if he was no longer with his family the mantra was still engraved in his head like it was the only thing hes ever heard. Blacks do not regret. or make mistakes. or settle for less, look bad, associate with the lower class, or be anything but perfection.
Regulus was not perfect.
and that made him a failure, a disappointment, and a disgrace.
He knew what was said about him. how his parents talked about him and Sirius. While he was the good one, his family was still never proud of him. His father was ashamed.
He wasn't sure if his mother ever loved him.
"Regulus." the words came out through the dark, they almost Startled Regulus , he did not hear the door either, because of his rapid and loud breathing he just now noticed. He pulled the blankets up to where his brother could not see him.
"Go away Sirius." he demanded.
"I'm just checking on you." Sirius said.
"Leave," he demanded again.
"Is there something wrong?" Sirius asked him, even though he knew that something was wrong.
Normally Regulus would cry to his brother, vent, and let it all out, But Sirius had lost that right the night he left.
"Just go away. Please. I don't need you anymore." Regulus said,
Sirius said nothing more, just shut the door and let Regulus be.
It was not long before the tears spilled over and soaked his cheeks. He could not be weak. not in front of his brother. not again.
He was a disappointment.
His father was right.
He always messed up everything.
-----------------------
When morning came the young man was exhausted, he had not gotten any sleep, the fear of seeing his parents in his dreams had kept him up, the thoughts of James and his family had made it worse. and the crying. It was awful. and the thought of Sirius, his brother's new life was not helping either.
He felt alone. and the feeling was all too familiar.
When he went downstairs, Sirius and Remus were sitting at the table and talking. "Morning." Regulus said, the two men stopped their conversation and turned their attention to the younger Black.
"Good Morning, I was wondering if you wanted to join me in the study today. Sirius told me you enjoy reading and I have a few books if you would like to read them" Remus said,
"I don't mind."
Remus smiled, "Perfect."
Sirius stood up, and gave his fiance a kiss on the cheek before heading upstairs. Leaving the two men alone. Regulus forced himself to eat something. and then the two headed upstairs and to the study.
The Study was a small room with a desk, and shelves filled with books. The room was warm and welcoming. Regulus sat down in the chair in the corner and Remus went over and pulled a book out. "this is one of my favorites."
Regulus took the book and looked at the cover.
"Do you like romance?" Remus asked,
"It's alright. honestly unrealistic"
Remus nodded. "That's what I used to think."
"What changed your mind"
"Your brother."
"I'm going to need more context than that." Regulus told him.
"Well, your brother and I, we had a bit of a rocky start." Remus explained, "But, the more time we spent together the more we realized that things between us were not just a fling. I'm not really the romantic type, but Sirius is, and I love him, so I have to learn to deal with it."
"That is the most romantic thing I have ever heard."
Remus took a seat in a chair a few feet away from Regulus. "Are there any romantic interests in your life, Regulus?" he asked.
Regulus knew exactly what this was about. His brother had put him up to this. "You know about James," he said.
Remus nodded.
"He was nice. But we are not courting. I could never love him."
"Why not?
"because he is… James." Regulus told him. "and i do not want to see him ever again." he lied.
“Why don't you want to see James anymore?” the man kept pushing.
“He cares for me." Regulus admitted
Remus's eyebrow shot up and he gave the younger boy a look, “I don't understand what is the issue then” he said.
“I love him."
The words felt foreign to him, it felt hollow and wrong, it was different and something Regulus had never known, he used to know brotherly love, he used to think he knew family love. but he didn't know what this was, and it scared him. He couldn't be hurt again by the thought of letting himself be like that with someone, only for them to hurt him. like everyone else around him had all of his life.
Remus stared at him, and then smiled softly, "You know, its okay to be happy, and not let the past haunt you, and stop you from finding that happiness, James cares about you, and Sirius tells me that he's a good guy, and I believe him," he said to him. " I haven't known you for 24 hours Regulus and I already know you are not a trusting person. but you have to give people a chance, because if you don't, you will be alone. and I don't want to see you be like that."
"You shouldn't care so much." Regulus said, He was backed into a corner, so he did what he always did instead of opening up and hearing the other out. He insulted him, even if he knew nothing about the man. but nothing was keeping him from walking out of the room. Nothing was stopping him from punching Remus Lupin in the face. and yet, here he was, sitting, and listening to what the man had to say.
"why shouldn't i care, you're Sirius's brother, and he loves you, and i'm going to marry him, so i think that makes me the best person to know how much you two need each other, and while i dont have any siblings, i can imagine it is not easy living with someone who once abandoned you when you were put into a bad situation. You almost died, and I don't believe you've even begun to cope with it. you've just ignored it or had to focus on everything in your life changing. dealing with healthy relationships you've never had before in your life. and while Sirius did a shitty thing. He has not abandoned you. He's trying to help you, and you are making it difficult, but we are both here for you. and James Potter? that man wants to help you so bad that he'd put his life on the line"
Regulus looked at the older man. He didn't know what to say.
so he didn't.
He got up and walked out of the room. and slammed the door behind him.
His heart was racing.
And his breathing was short and uneven.
He was not able to move.
And as the tears began to spill, and his chest began to hurt.
He wasn't sure what was happening.
He was scared.
And his legs were shaking.
It was the worst pain he had ever been in,
And it was all his fault.
---------
Hello everyone its me, hi, i just wanted to say after i finish this story i will be continuing to write on Sirius and Remus's story, i just found it to be to much for me writting two stories at once.
the first chapter is already out actually but i thought it was better to focus on one story at a time.
Also they're will be prologues and epilogues some things i have began to toy with are:
James and Sirius's friendship.
Regulus and his relationship with fencing and his hobbies
Sirius and his adventures with the common.
Remus and his life before he meets Sirius
James and his dad and how being a viscount so early has effected him (outside of what i write in this story)
small moments between both couples.
so as always, please comment and talk about what you love. I am loving getting to know these guys, and through creation i am doing so, so please i invite you to keep learning about these traumatized and fucked up people who most of us see ourselves in. and try to learn and heal from it. life isnt easy. but reading fanfics is.