09/09/1989
Saturday, September 9th
Dear diary, all my friends and family have tried to cheer me up, but I can't find any desire in me to be happy again... Everything feels so wrong without mum... Without being able to visit her every weekend... Without her soft smiles and gentle hands stroking my head or her sweet lips kissing my forehead... nothing makes sense to me…
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Draco is the most insistent of my friends, always trying to be with me and trying to make me do something other than just stare into space, but I can't... I don't know Blaise or Theo very well and they don't know how to treat me either, Vins and Greg try, in their own way at least, they're always trying to feed me something and I really appreciate the gesture, especially because I know very well that they would rather eat it themselves, but I almost never feel hungry... Pansy is the worst of all, since we came back she's been trying to cling more and more to Draco. I don't have the energy to be bothered by her, but it's still very annoying...
Draco doesn't pay much attention to her and always tries to distance himself from her and cheer me up... he's sweet, but sometimes I feel like he's trying too hard...
The best ones are Luna, Julius, and dad. None of them try to make me talk or do things, but one of them is always by my side, they never leave me alone... They don't panic like Draco when I cry out of nowhere, they're just there and they hug me, they don't say anything, they don't need to say anything.
Knowing they're there for me is more than enough...
I thought I saw Julius talking to Draco and since then I can see that my dragon just tries to sit next to me, just being there for me... he's told me directly that he wants to do more for me, that he can't stand seeing me so... well, like this, neither of us knows exactly how to describe it, but something warm surges in my chest every time My Draco says he wants to see me happy again and the fact that he seems to understand that I'm not just sad, but there's something else there, even though neither of us knows exactly what.
Tomorrow is the reading of mum's will, fortunately she wrote it and left it in charge at Gringotts before the trial farce, so at least I can be present for that. Dad also received a call from the bank as a beneficiary... James can't do anything because it's something sacred to the goblins and if he dares to try to stop us he will have a very bad time.
A part of me fervently wishes that the bastard tries it, so that he is punished according to goblin law, but I know very well that James listens to everything Dumbledore tells him and the latter will not allow his favorite pawn to be punished so severely and publicly.
I don't care much about the reading of the will, I don't think there's anything physical that mum left me that can fill the emptiness I feel inside. There's nothing that can replace her and allow me to be happy again.
Tomorrow I'll see my siblings again... I don't know how to feel about it... I'll also going to see James once more, I'm just glad that dad can come too... I'm a bit ashamed to even write it, but I'm afraid of James, for everything he made me go through, for everything he can still do to me, for what he can do to my brothers, and above all because it seems he hates me enough to cast the killing curse on me without a second thought.
I can't understand how that man managed to marry mum, she being so sweet and warm and him... I don't even know how to describe him, maybe comparing him to one of the demons I saw in the Australian books wouldn't be too far off, at least for me...
Goodbye, I'll try to get some sleep.