03/09/1989
Sunday, September 3rd
I HATE JAMES!! I HATE HIM!!...
I hate him so much...
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Today I received a letter from Anna at breakfast... he... he asked me to please come home... to Potter manor... that... that Mum... she was very ill, the mediwizard said she wouldn't make it through the day...
I immediately told Dad and we went together to Potter manor, leaving a note for Julius who was still sleeping... I know as the older brother I should have talked to Julius instead of just leaving him a note written in rushed and uneven letters…
But I couldn't think straight and Dad seemed to be in the same state... We both knew very well that Mum would pass away soon, we've known since she woke up in the hospital and we've talked about it several times... I thought... I thought that when the time came I would be prepared...
But no amount of preparation could have prevented how I feel, so lost... sad... I realized that, despite seeing her getting sicker, I had the wish for her to always be there for me... but no...
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When we arrived at Potter manor, it was surrounded by journalists and photographers. James was giving a speech, which made me very angry, until I saw Anna trying to get my attention to follow him to the backyard.
Sev and I went to where he was and he let us in the mansion... Xavier was there, he looked devastated. As soon as he saw me he stood up from the red armchair where he was sitting and immediately hugged me, I couldn't help but shed some tears and hug my brother back, who was also sobbing on my shoulder.
I hadn't realized that Xavier was almost a head taller than me... but at that moment I could only feel comforted by his strong embrace. Soon Anna also joined the hug and the three of us ended up on our knees on the floor crying silently.
I told them I wanted to see Mum, that I wanted to say goodbye to her, Xavier tensed immediately, but Anna told me to follow him so I ignored my older brother's strange behaviour, at least for a moment...
It wasn't until we were in front of the door to the room Mum shared with James (the bastard never let her have her own room) that I realized Dad wasn't following us.
He was a bit further down the hall, with red eyes and a face twisted in deep sorrow, I reached out my hand to him, but Dad shook his head, I couldn't accept that and went to him and pulled his arm until he stopped resisting and came with me to the door, behind which my Mum lay, about to take her last breath...
We took too much time... James had finished his speech and saw us when I tried to open the door. He immediately yelled at us and said we didn't have his permission to enter the room.
Soon Dad and James were shouting at each other. James did something, I didn't realize what, but an invisible force threw Dad and me to the other side of the long hallway. We couldn't move, it was like something was pressing us against the wall.
James called my brothers, Xavier looked at me with pity but entered the room without saying anything to me, Anna fought a bit more, he tried to defend me, even begged for James to let me say goodbye to Mum, but James was impassive, he grabbed his arm tightly and dragged him into the room.
When James closed the door behind him, the feeling of pressure disappeared and I ran to try to enter, but all in vain, at that moment I understood what was happening, James as Lord Potter had designated me as persona non grata for the house, so I couldn't open the door, any door, touch or move anything without the family head's permission.
I didn't realize until later that Dad couldn't even move from the wall where he was still trapped. I was more concerned, crying, pleading, shouting, hitting, and threatening the poor door to let me pass. But nothing, I couldn't do anything.
After hours, which for me was like an eternity, the door finally opened, but when I tried to pass, James stood in my way. He told me Mum had passed away and that it was all my fault. He tried to attack me, but Dad finally managed to free himself and saved me.
We ran out of the mansion while James yelled and cast spells at us. I tried to break free from Dad's strong arms but couldn't do it. I didn't care about James, I just wanted to see Mum...
When we went back home, I yelled at Sev... Now I regret it, I know very well that despite everything he also wanted to say goodbye to Mum, but at that moment I couldn't understand why we had to flee from James in that way.
It wasn't until I paid more attention to what Dad was saying that I understood.
James wasn't casting any spell... no... he... he was casting the killing curse...
Dad saved me from death and all I could think about was how angry I was with him for running away from James...
I don't know if I'll be able to sleep...