.
Sirius had always been known for his temper. The Noble House of Black raised children with such delicate filters that would burst at the slightest mistake or word from another person. Bile would rise up their throats but curses and secrets would spill out their mouths instead of vomit. Sirius could deny his heritage, deny his upbringing, and deny his genetics but truthfully he would always be a Black. He would always spill over and use others' weaknesses to his advantage in arguments. He would forever hurt others for his gain. He couldn’t change his fate. He couldn’t deny it anymore.
His friends (could he really call them that anymore?) had assured him that it all wasn’t true. That your family doesn’t shape your decisions. Just because he was raised by fucked up psychos didn’t mean he couldn’t hold back the need to defend himself even if it destroyed those who he loved. He didn’t have to be like them.
Now he understood that all of that was a lie.
A sick attempt at fixing something so rotten at the core.
Like when you drop something and hear it shatter but when your opening it to check the damage you still pray it’ll be okay.
His family truly shaped him.
He was a Black.
A disgrace.
A vile creature feeding off other’s insecurities and trust.
A method of destruction set to ruin its own well-being and happiness.
“Where’s your little cock-sucker Black?” Snape’s voice boomed across the corridor as he neared. Sirius should have turned and walked away but that would be cowardly. Sirius was not cowardly. He couldn’t be.
“None of your business Snivellus. Go back to your fucked up little dungeon and go dwell on your sad life.” Sirius practically hissed, his hand clenched in a fist. Snape just laughed.
“You really want to talk about my life? How about we talk about how your mummy hates you? Does mummy beat Sirius? Does mummy not love him?” Snape jeered while doing a baby voice.
“You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about.”
He could feel the vomit in his throat.
“You sure? Got some ugly ass scars don’t you Black. Little reminders about how much your mother hates your guts. Just like everybody does.”
“You really wanna know where Remus is? Go down to the shack and-“
And out it came.
Sirius didn’t realize what he was saying till he finished the instructions and Snape strode down the hall triumphantly.
His mind flew into panic mode. Running down the corridor he found James and explained what was happening. The look on James’s face was one of pure betrayal. It would haunt Sirius every time his eyes dared to close.
McGonagall ordered Sirius into her office early that next morning. He hadn’t seen Remus yet. All he knew was Snape was alive and everyone was beyond pissed at him.
“Take a seat, Sirius.” She demanded when he entered the room. His hands were shaking and he didn’t know what to expect. Was she going to send him home? He didn’t know if he’d make it back alive if she did. The news of him being suspended (or expelled) would spread like wildfire. His parents would literally kill him for drawing such attention.
“I’m sure you know why I’ve summoned you. What you did was extremely dangerous and irresponsible. Lupin is alive but received damage and the same for Potter. You’re very lucky it wasn’t worse. I can’t imagine what could have occurred for if Potter hadn’t managed to get there in time-“
“Are you sending me home?” Sirius interrupted. His voice was shakier than he had meant it to be which made him wince slightly.
“I do not believe that to be necessary. However you will have a detention with me every day till the end of the year, I’m going to have to remove your Hogsmeade permissions and kick you off the quidditch team. Do you understand?”
Sirius muttered something that was meant to be a yes before rushing out of the office.
He needed to grab some of his belongings from the dorm. He couldn’t stay there for a while.
He creaked the door open and his eyes were met with Remus’s. They lacked their usual warmth and instead held hatred. It made Sirius’s skin crawl.
”Moony I’m so fucking sorry-“
“Save it Sirius and don’t call me that. You don’t get that privilege anymore.” Remus scoffed while putting his book down. There was a new large scar ranging across his face now.
Giving up, Sirius walked over and grabbed some essentials.
“Look, Moon-.. Remus. I really am sorry! How can I make it up to you.?”
“Just get the hell out of my sight. I hate you, Sirius. You’re just like them. That wouldn’t hurt as much if I hadn’t spent so long trying to convince you otherwise.” Remus countered back and Sirius took his wand, and a few textbooks he would need and left the dorm.
In class, he made sure to sit on the left side of the room instead of the right where the marauders always sat. It was like an unspoken rule that if they could sit on that side then they would. Walking over to the left bugged him and made the room feel wrong but it was for the best. He couldn’t burden Remus with his presence.
Marlene, Lily, and Mary gave him strange looks for the rest of the day while attempting to corner him for an explanation but he avoided them with ease. When you grow up in a household like The Noble House of Black you learn how to turn invisible. Sirius had never really used it at Hogwarts before. It felt wrong.
He couldn’t handle attending lunch. Where would he even sit? The marauders wouldn’t want him to sit with them and it would be humiliating trying to find somewhere else. To diminish the problem he simply didn’t go.
He wasn’t hungry anyway.
The day passed agonizingly slow. His stress levels skyrocketed with every passing moment as the reality of the situation settled into his mind more clearly. He had lost them. This was it.
He truly was a Black.
They’d lied to him when they’d claimed otherwise.
Sirius arrived at the first detention right after dinner, though he hadn’t gone anyway. His stomach churned a bit but he’d deal with that another day. The house elves had always sympathized with him so he could go there at some point.
It was mainly quiet. Minerva had Sirius writing lines that seemed utterly useless to him. He knew it already. Why did he have to continuously write it? Did she really believe he was ever going to forget about this? About how he’d lost his friends? About how he’d ruined his life?
That night Sirius slipped down one of the secret passages and slept there as Padfoot. It was comfier as Padfoot. Dogs didn’t have as much comprehension of emotions. It helped him sleep. Well, he slept for about an hour overall.
It had been three weeks. Nobody had even spared him a glance. He was deteriorating at an outstanding rate. His hair was knotted but not so bad that people would point it out, his clothes were crumpled, his eye bags horrifically prominent, he’d gone sickly pale and lost weight. Not enough weight for comments but enough for his clothes to hang slightly uncomfortably. He made occasional trips down to the house elves for food but otherwise avoided moving around the castle much. Food had begun to disgust him. It was flavorless and reminded him of the food they gave him at home.
Sirius only really went anywhere to go to class or his detentions. Mainly, he stayed in the secluded corridor with a textbook studying. He had always hated studying, it made his head hurt and eyes droop but it was even worse on his own. At least with the Marauders, he could get help with it. Now that he no longer considered himself a Marauder he had no help at all.
When he was younger he believed pain was the worst punishment you could receive. The curses and broken bones must be the worst right? The constant reminder of the pain of moving should be the most upsetting punishment. The permanent scars and twinges had to be the worst possible thing someone could punish him with.
But he had been wrong. So wrong.
The silence consumed his mind. His old friends never talked to him anymore, it was as if he never existed. The girls had tried at first but he’d been too drained for it all and just brushed them off. Everything felt so quiet now. He’d been locked in his room without socialization for a few days at home before but this was so much worse. Sirius was forced to watch and hear his friends continue without him while he rotted in his solitude. They didn’t care anymore. They’d moved on and found a new dynamic to get rid of the gap of Sirius. As if there ever was a place for him.
Remus was still mad.
Prongs followed Remus on this one. No surprise there. Sirius wouldn’t follow himself if he could.
Peter was quite clearly still watching Sirius. He couldn’t really figure out why.
He’d started scratching his arms and picking at old cuts or scars recently. A habit his friends had spent months training out of him. It didn’t matter anymore. They no longer cared for him.
It hadn’t fully jumped into cutting again yet. He held out some sick hope that his friends would save him before that. Before the thoughts came back. Before he did something he regretted. Before he didn’t live to feel the regret.
He knew deep down they weren’t going to make it to save him.
Some part of him liked that thought.
It had been a month since the incident.
Minnie had gotten concerned. She’d referred him over to Pomfrey, claiming he was a danger to himself, but he hadn’t gone. Fear consumed him as he dreaded the thought of anyone finding out how much he was dying inside.
He’d lost a lot of weight by now. His cheekbones and collarbone stuck out more and his robes barely fit even with the extra holes he’d put in his belt. Eating occasionally felt like a chore as he held back from throwing it back up. It sat uncomfortably in his stomach and made him feel so fucking ill.
He hadn’t cut yet. He couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Someone would save him first. He knew they would.
That was a lie but all he had left was the ability to try hope.
Sleeping as Padfoot had become routine. He wasn’t sure he could sleep another way anymore. Having gotten used to the cold stone metal floor he didn’t really care anymore. Of course, he still couldn’t sleep but that wasn’t because of the lack of bed. Every time his eyes drifted shut all he could see was his (ex) friend’s angered stares which pierced holes in his heart. Then it would switch to his brother and his parents looking down on him. Then his face would morph into his mother’s and Sirius would attempt to rip it off. When he woke up he’d have ugly red scratch marks across his face that he would use a spell to cover. They stung through the day but he got used to it. It was a reminder of his weakness. A punishment.
If they wouldn’t punish him further than silence then he’d do it himself.
“May I ask where you’ve been sleeping, Sirius?” Minnie spoke from behind her desk halfway through his otherwise silent detention. Her foot was tapping against the floor which was making Sirius feel unfocused but that could just be the way his mind was already fuzzy and how if he stood up too quickly he’d nearly pass out.
“Dorm. Why?” Sirius lied, praying to that whatever god that he didn’t believe in that she wouldn’t see right through him.
“Don’t lie to me, Sirius. I think you’ve forgotten I’m still in contact with your dorm mates. Pettigrew notified me you haven’t been there since the incident.” She said, looking at him pointedly. Sirius just shrugged and went back to writing the lines. At this point, she may as well have an entire filing cabinet just for these papers.
His mind never really stuck to the fact Peter had been talking about him to McGonagall.
Month two.
He knew he should try to reconcile. He couldn’t take the silence much longer. It was digging into his brain and making his head hurt as his voice went hoarse from lack of talking. It made him want to be sick as he begged his mind to just shut the fuck up and let him just die already. The overwhelming need to make his thoughts turn to dust and his body decompose in a small stone corridor where nobody would ever look for him. Nobody would ever care. If they ever found him they’d take one look at who it was, scoff, kick him, and step over his rotting corpse. Maybe even spell it away so they didn’t have to gaze at his weak, skinny corpse.
Sirius had broken enough promises. They felt like nothing but words to him now. He took the muggle razor he’d broken off of James’s when collecting fresh clothes while they were at Hogwarts and slid it across his wrist. James wouldn’t notice he’d taken it anyway, it was really just there for decoration as James always used a spell to shave anyway. It made blood leak down his already heavily scarred pale wrists. It stung but felt so fucking good that he couldn’t help but groan from the release of tension.
He knew his clothes looked horrendously big on him now. Charm after charm he made them more fitted but that then showed how skinny he had become which was more humiliating than looking like his robes were too big so he’d change them back like a wimp.
On the second week of the second month, Mary finally managed to corner him.
She took his wrist, causing him to wince but she didn’t notice, and dragged him to Gryffindor's common room. She pulled him onto a couch and silently took a hairbrush out of her bag. Much to his distraught she began brushing the knots out his hair and attempting to come up with a way to start the conversation.
“What’s going on with you all lately Sirius? We miss you.” Mary talked gently and Sirius opened his mouth to respond but she stopped him, “I know you and the guys are in some big argument but it’s just hurting you all. No offense and all but you look like shit.”
“Yeah, I noticed.” Sirius hummed back.
“You all need to get over this stupid spat.”
“Maybe.” Sirius just nodded and waited for her to finish with his hair before fleeing the common room in case somebody saw him.
His body crashed into another’s and he stumbled back slightly but caught himself on the wall. Looking up his eyes caught onto James’s and he tensed. He needed to walk away. Run. Get as far as possible as quickly as he could. Would James even care? Would he chase after him or just wish him good riddance and continue into the common room?
“Uhm.. Sorry. I’ll go.” Sirius muttered and tried to walk away but James placed his hand on his shoulder to stop him. Using all his power not to lean into the touch and show how fucking touch-starved he was, Sirius turned to look at him. “Can I help you with something.?”
James opened his mouth but no words came out. He shook his head and let Sirius walk away. He noticed James’s eyes flicking to his wrists and so he sped up his pace down the corridor.
By the time he was back hidden in the passageway, he looked down and realized why James had looked. The bandages he had applied the night before (he just pulled them around his arm roughly and hoped they would stay) had leaked. Blood was staining the cuff of his sleeve.
“Fuck.” He conjured it away and let his head hit the wall behind him as he fell back against it with a sob.
“Sirius.” A voice started from behind him in the class. It was a muffled whisper of sorts but loud enough to get his attention. He dared to turn around and locked eyes with Marlene. She quickly slipped a note to him which he took with shaky, bony, and pale hands.
I know you don’t do quidditch anymore but I need help practicing laterrrrrrr can you help me pleaseeeee??? I’ll buy you sugar quills??
Ask James wrote back and passed it to her without looking into her pleading eyes. He heard her sigh as she read it and muttered something to Lily beside her.
She didn’t ask again after that.
Everyone seemed more zoned into him after he met with James. Except Remus of course. Well, Sirius wouldn’t know if Remus was watching because he refused to upset Remus by having to be looked at by someone so lowly as Sirius. Didn’t want him to yell again. Couldn’t handle it.
They had a few weeks before the Christmas break. Sirius was constantly on edge, his mind spinning with fear, as he anticipated returning home. Before the ‘incident,’ James had promised him profusely that he’d make sure Sirius came back to his house for the Christmas break. Sirius knew that offer no longer stood. They wouldn’t want him there anymore. Effie and Monty probably hated him now. They’d probably hex him the minute he locked eyes with their usually kind and caring ones who would instead hold disgust.
After James had started suspecting he had continued his old habit of self-harming Sirius had moved to his thigh. It was easier to hide. Of course, his arms were covered too but the marks were slightly older.
He couldn’t sit still in classes anymore. Mind running too fast like it did every year except this time he had nobody to slow it down. Usually one of the Marauders would just talk him down from it. Now they just watched him self-destruct from afar.
~
James watched the other boy's leg bounce anxiously. They’d been in muggle studies for the last hour, and not once had Sirius stopped moving. Whether it was tapping his pencil or rearranging how he was sitting or bouncing his leg. He never stopped.
To be fair, he knew why. He knew he should step in and stop before this all went too far but he felt paralyzed.
His best friend, his brother, was deteriorating and he just couldn’t do anything about it. Sirius had hidden the map one day when they were at Hogsmeade and they hadn’t found it yet so they had no clue where the boy was going at night. He didn’t attend mealtimes anymore and it showed in how his face looked sunken in and his body frail. Eye bags caressed his face confirming James’s suspicion that he couldn’t sleep again. A common thing for Sirius that would worsen around this time.
James felt utterly useless.
They couldn’t find him out of class and he’d sit so far away during class that trying to help the boy was impossible.
James knew deep down Sirius wouldn’t let them take him back to the Potters in the holidays. It hurt like hell and he wanted to fight it but he hadn’t even asked yet. Fear of the offer being rejected and Sirius’s well-being constantly stuck in his conscious was horrible.
~
Sitting on the grubby, stone floor with some weed and a bottle of fire whiskey was not how Sirius envisioned the end of this year. His head hurt but the mix of the two substances warmed his freezing body up and made his mind settle.
His leg stopped jumping, his hands shook less and he felt like he was flying. Allowing himself to imagine that all of the past year had been a dream, he settled down and took a drag of the weed.
He couldn’t go back. He couldn’t. He couldn’t. There was no other way out. No other option. No other way. He had to. This was it. This was his only option. He couldn’t go back. He couldn’t. He couldn’t. There was no other way out. No other option. No other way. He had to. This was it. This was his only option. This was it.
High and drunk Sirius reached into his bag and pulled out a blade he had managed to convince the house elves to give him. At first, it was just a quick drag across his wrist, then another, then another, then a slightly deeper one, then a particularly placed one that slid deep across his wrist. His mind fuzzed out slightly and he didn’t register the passageway entrance opening.
“Look Sirius, we found the map and we don’t want you sleeping in here in the c-..cold..” Remus drawled out as he took in the scene in front of him. Rushing forward he pulled the boy into his chest. “Fuck, fuck Sirius what did you do?!”
“Can’t go back... can’t go back..” Sirius sobbed into Remus’s chest as he repeated the phrase.
“We need to get you to Pomfrey. Fuck.” Remus pulled off his sweatshirt and wrapped it around Sirius’s wrist to try to stop the bleeding before picking him up and hoisting him into his arms.
Opening the passage entrance Remus practically ran down the hall with Sirius in his arms.
“Why are you so light Siri..” Remus sighed as if his suspicions were being confirmed.
Sirius was mumbling incoherently, his head throbbing and vision blurred. Still, he clung to Remus as he knew this may be the last touch he ever got. Not that he would be complaining if he could say Remus John Lupin was the last person he made contact with.
“Fuck, why would you do all this Pads..” Remus mumbled as they neared the infirmary.
“Didn’t think you’d care.” Sirius babbled lightheadedly before promptly passing out.
Sirius woke to uncomfortably bright lights that made him wince. His hand was intertwined with another which he identified as Remus from the feeling of the slightly bumpy scar on the curve of his palm. People were talking around him and his head hurt like shit but he held back a groan.
His eyes strained when they opened and were met with the hospital wings' bright exterior. Quickly, he identified the people around him as Remus, James, Peter, and The Potters. Someone shuffled uncomfortably in the chair he hadn’t yet looked at. His eyes shifted to his brother, legs up at his chest and arms securing them, who looked beyond exhausted. Sirius was sure this was hell now. He must have died and gone to hell. Everyone he loved was here but everyone looked distraught. Hell. It was hell. He had really managed to get himself into hell.
“Siri?” Remus questioned from beside him, his hand that wasn’t grasping Sirius’s moved to caress his face gently. Sirius leaned into the touch silently and most eyes in the room locked onto his as they noticed he was awake.
The next thing he knew he was being crushed by his friends hugging him and crying. Mumbling between tears about how they didn’t want this. Commenting on how they missed him. Not mentioning how skinny he felt and purposely not touching his arms.
Effie and Monty promised they would take him to the Potters for Christmas instead.
He looked around to where Regulus had been sitting but found the chair empty except for a small note.
Go with them. Don’t go back home, Sirius. It’s for the best. R.A.B
If that made his heart ache a little it was long forgotten as Moony pulled him into his chest and petted his hair.