dazai and his group chats // a magic and mystery chatfic

Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
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dazai and his group chats // a magic and mystery chatfic
Summary
dazai and his lovely little group chats... what could ever happen??takes place in the Magic and Mystery/Coil universe
Note
um...! hello there gang i write fics all the time i just never post them... so welcome to hell!! this is NOT canon compliant with magic and mystery (if you couldnt tell bc chuuya is here (in later chapters ofc)) so therefore its definitely not compliant to bsd or hp... its just for shits and giggles because i have shitty humor and think its funny... but yeah. heres some basic info i guess idk either guys-when does this take place? it used to not have a set timeline, but ive decided this takes place fifth year :D-whys chuuya here?? because hes my favorite and i need him in every work i write or ill get stuck /hj-the chapters will get updated as frequently as i remember because crazy shit happens to me every day that i can put in thisummm yeah enjoy and be nice to me ive never ever actually published smth before help
All Chapters Forward

the twink off, chuuya (half) face reveal, and DOE plotting

hell's hounds (and pansy)

dazai's crush: oh yeah by the way guys, the thing that smelled really good in my dorm was in fact NOT crack, it was crepes

dazai's crush: some second year girl made some and they are so good

dazai's crush: lookathalffofmyfaceandthesebangerasscrepes.png

jokes and tricks #1: AWWW IS THAT YOU

dazai's crush: um yes

jokes and tricks #2: WHAT A CUTIE!!!!

dazai's crush: UM????

luka stan: BACK OFF HES MIIIIINE. MY DOG.

bitch: WHAAAAAAT

luka stan: GRAHHAGFAGHSEFGSJIOLVX

second in command: Um?

luka stan: you too blaise dont worry

luka stan: 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚.

second in command: Thank you, I think?

gyaru lover: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

luka stan: w̵̨̞̲̍͗̑̊̉̿̕͘̚͝h̷͖̥͙̩̓͋̑̆̊̒́̈̔̄a̸̢̍̉͗͋͝t̸͙̗͎̞͕̦̋̒̊̓͛͑̅͋ͅ ̸̻͓̣͓̙͖͒̒̊̈̊͝i̴̢͔̱̩̳͆̀̏̂͒͋̈́s̵̫̣̭̠͇̯̤̱̰̈́͂́̓ ̷͕͍͖̻̯̯̮̹͕̂̽͝ͅw̴̲̓͆̋̆͋̍͌̌̇ẖ̵͇̇͗́͐̌͑̆͑̂́ͅą̴̢̹̠͈̎͗̊͜ͅt̶̢̞̙̣̰̞̱͈̓̀͐̿͠,̵̣̗̪̆̀͐ ̸͍̀́͋̈́̉̅̆͘͝d̸̛̲̼̦̭͓̪͒̂r̷͇̜̘̲̣͙͕̿͒̎̔͝a̶̧̛̖̰͖͕̟̭̗̦͊͛̈́̈̽͒̽̕͝c̶̡̪͕̣̤̤̻̠̙̪̄o̶̬͈͉̙̽́͛͑͊̔̌̑͌͛ͅ?̴̲̯̠͇̬̣̈́͒̿̏̀̾?̵̡̛̬̮̜̲͈͙͎͙͑͗͌̆̆͊͌̽̕

gyaru lover: oh

bitch: LMAOOOOO WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR TEXT

luka stan: fonts duh

luka stan: really gets the point across, am i right

luka stan: anyways yes we can all admire my dog is beautiful youre not allowed to say that though

freaky rat owner: Your dog

luka stan: yes myt dog...

dazai's crush: I HAAAATE YOU

library dweller: Your hair is pretty!

dazai's crush: awww thank you

luka stan: OK SO HOW COME HERMIONE CAN COMLIMENT YOU BUT I CANT

dazai's crush: BECAUSE YOURE A SPECIAL CASE

luka stan: ohh am i now. heh. ❤️❤️

dazai's crush: you make me want to skin myself alive

luka stan: 💔

bitch: dazai and his crush kissing 4k hd video when

gyaru lover: WHAT.

luka stan: HELLO WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT

bitch: i remember when you said "lockheart live execution in 4k when" the other week when i brought him up

luka stan: .... i dont like that. i need to stop speaking near you

bitch: yeah.

dazai's crush reacted 👎 to a message: dazai and his crush kissing 4k hd video when

second in command: I'm starting to wonder if this group chat was a good idea.

dazai's crush: me too frfr youre like the only sane one in here blaise

luka stan: ok. youre my biggest opp now that MY best friend you cannot take him from me. hes MINE!!!!

dazai's crush: insane 😭😭😭😭 believe me i dont want you little hogwarts twinks.... 💀💀💀💀💀💀

bitch: OK I HAVE SEEN THE PAPERS YOU GUYS OVER THERE ARE THE TWINKS.

dazai's crush: bruh. u calling me out 😭 i have thunder thighs n like a slvtty waist but <333  🙁

second in command: ????

luka fan: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU QUOTING THAT ONE COMMENT OH MY FOD

bitch: THUNDER THIGHS???/

dazai's crush: PLEASE ITS A REFERENCE I WAS JOKING.

dazai's crush: anyways yes theres plenty of twinks over here BUT youve got dazai that makes up for like. the entire school

luka stan: IM NOT A TWINK YOURE A TWINK

freaky rat owner: What's a twink

luka stan: according to oxford dictionary, a twink is a gay or bisexual young man with a slim build and youthful appearance

dazai's crush: yeah basically you.

dazai's crush: also did you just quote the fucking dictionary 😭😭

luka stan: what are you gonna do about it

bitch replied to luka stan's message: according to oxford dictionary, a twink is a gay or bisexual young man with a slim build and youthful appearance:  yeah ok so basically you?

luka stan: HARASSMENT

luka stan: IM TWLLING SNAPE

luka stan: speaking of snape who wants to guess what happened the other day

gyaru stan: why can you not stay on one topic for more than five minutes

freaky rat owner: Right

second in command: What happened the other day?

luka stan: first of all, draco and ron, RUDE!! second of all, blaise, i told him he was an opp and NOT the alpha when he got mad at me for not doing my homework

dazai's crush: oh...

luka stan: and then he was confused so i had to explain the omegaverse to him

dazai's crush: OH.

library dweller: What's the omegaverse?

dazai's crush: for the love of all things holy, you dont want to know.

jokes and tricks #2: is it bad

luka stan: not exactly?

luka stan: its odd though

bitch: im just gonna pretend i didnt hear that.. i dont even want to know

bitch: dazai your fucking owl shit on my robes earlier btw.

luka stan: LMFAOOOOOOOOOO SERIOUSLY?? 

bitch: YES SHE LOOKED ME RIGHT IN THE EYES AND SHIT ON MY ROBES.

luka stan: GIGGLING

luka stan: the way i didnt even tell her to do that either... crazy. new ideas for when i send letters back to yokohama

jokes and tricks #1: has dazai reached a new brainrot level

luka stan: WHO TAUGHT YOU ABOUT BRAINROT

luka stan: oh wait i did

freaky rat owner: Wow

luka stan: ....

jokes and tricks #2: !!

gyaru lover: in another universe i have normal ish friends

luka stan: nope not allowed youre stuck with me

dazai's crush: ...

dazai's crush: osamu.

luka stan: ummm yes my muse and favorite person on the face of the earth!!!! 😨😨😨 

dazai's crush: i am going to slaughter you.

luka stan: WHAT DID I DO????//

dazai's crush: IM LITERALLY TRYING TO FEED BEAU AND FEATHERBRAIN JUST FLEW THROUGH MY WINDOW AND SHIT ON MY FLOOR????

luka stan: OH MY GOD

luka stan: IM ACTUALLY LAUGHING OS HARD THIS ISNT MY DOING I SWEAAAAAAAAAAAR 😭😭😭 SHE MUSTVE EATEN SOMETHING

dazai's crush: I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU

luka stan: IM SORRRYYYYYYYYY

gyaru lover: dazai i kind of forgot your first name isnt dazai

gyaru lover: like if im being serious i forgot you had a first name

luka stan: wow seriously... you forgot my name??? MY lovely name that I chose myself?

bitch: your parents didnt name you? 💀💀

luka stan: no comment

dazai's crush: HEKOM E

jokes and tricks #2: HEY HOW COME HE CAN CALL YOU OSAMU BUT WE CANT

luka stan: because no one calls me osamu unless youre mori. or my dog getting mad at me. or just mad at me in general

jokes and tricks #2: i see...

jokes and tricks #1: is there a reason for that

luka stan: in japan its proper to refer to someone by their last name with an honorific attached unless youre close friends/family/a partner

library dweller: That's really interesting! Are your honorifics the same, like Dr, Mrs, and Mr?

luka stan: nope very different

luka stan: depending on who youre addressing

luka stan: like if i were to talk to @dazai's crush, id say chibi-chan! or id say his actual name and add kun at the end

dazai's crush: quit calling me that loser,,,

luka stan: no

bitch: whats the difference

luka stan: referring to someone as chan is for like... usually younger girls, but its also used for close friends, family, and lovers

bitch: i know what you are

luka stan: kun is the male honorific for people of lower status than you, or of the same status

luka stan: STFU PANSY

library dweller: Is there any more?

luka stan: damn i feel like a wikipedia article rn

dazai's crush: LMFAO

luka stan: san and sama.. sensei... senpai.. kouhai... theres a bunch

luka stan: but you dont use them all the time... like i usually never use honorifics with my friends because when you get close enough, its just not necessary... or with family

library dweller: This is actually really cool! I like hearing about your culture, Dazai!

luka stan: why thank you thank you i know its very interesting

bitch: right...

luka stan: should i take lockheart out of the work chat i hate that mf

jokes and tricks #2: do it

 

work chat!!

luka stan removed my ego is bigger than my ass.

bitch added dazai's crush.

 

luka stan: GET HIM AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY PANSY

dazai's crush: how many work chats do i have to be in WHAT EVEN IS THIS

bitch: oh this is the hogwarts work chat

dazai's crush: I DONT EVEN GO THERE LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOOOONE I DONT WANNA DEAL WITH YOU GUYS

dazai's crush: ESPECIALLY dazai. hate that bitch. 1/10 stars. 

stalker: Who is this?

bitch: dazai's crush

luka stan: jump.

bitch: you first!

luka stan: is that an invitation to a double suicide???

bitch: no

dazai's crush: im a friend of dazais

dazai's crush: actually let me rephrase that. an acquaintance of mister osamu dazai aka the demon student

luka stan: bye

bitch: very convincing performance, your name kinda ruins it tho

dazai's crush: STOP  😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏

dazai's crush: ...wow the doctor who doesnt make me uncomfortable is CRAZY

luka stan: ummm,,,

dazai's crush: valid

dazai's crush: WHOOOO SAID THAT IM EXTREMELY RESPECTFUL

luka stan: bro is gonna get FIRED!!! 😂😂😂😂

dazai's crush: STOP IYT;'.

bitch: you have a job

dazai's crush: duh im like 125 😐😐

dazai's crush: 15. NOT 125.

jokes and tricks #2: bye what

#1 nepotist (not really): Why does this chat blow up at least once a week?

dazai's crush: hooooly smokes its dazais dad!!!

#1 nepotist (not really): Who are you.

dazai's crush: im dazai's crush!!! ❤️❤️❤️

#1 nepotist (not really): Interesting.

luka stan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT MY DAD. NSD SHE=UT UO YOUEE NOT

dazai's crush: he will be when he adopts you. and youre a liar

luka stan: WHAAAAAAAAAT

dazai's crush: yeah im omnipotent

dazai's crush: 🤫🤫🤫

luka stan: cancelled.

dazai's crush: i will beat you to a pulp

luka stan: can we make out

bitch: WHAAAAAAT

#1 nepotist (not really): This is a group chat.

dazai's crush: nah really?? thats craazy i didnt know

luka stan: hey dont disrespect snape,,,!! hes my bias!!!

dazai's crush: im telling mori you have a favorite dad

luka stan: NO STOP HE WILL

luka stan: not gonna say that

dazai's crush: getting u a badge that says victim for ur bday

luka stan: WHAAAAAAAAAAT SOYP EJP LE 💀💀💀💀

bitch: what is dazai a victim of

dazai's crush: ...

dazai's crush: existing 💔💔💔

luka stan: im a victim of my dogs cruel and uncaring abuse

dazai's crush: is that a double meaning 😂😂😂

luka stan: IM TALKING ABOUT YOU DIPSHIT YOURE SO MEAN TO NME

dazai's crush: cry harder

luka stan: r u one of those 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 ummm what r they called

luka stan: dacryphiliacs

dazai's crush: WHAT DOES THAT EVEM MEAAAAAAAAN

luka stan: im not saying it in here when my teachers can read this

freaky rat owner: So you do have shame

luka stan: yes????// duh (no)

dazai's crush: mfWHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT HEOO ME NO????/

dazai's crush: lil bro WISHES

luka stan: genuinely havent cried since i was like 4 why would i wish that

dazai's crush: thats lowkey sad 

luka stan: thats completely normal wdym

dazai's crush reacted 💀 to a message: thats completely normal wdym

gyaru lover: i dont think thats normal???/

luka stan: oh really

luka stan: whatever! @#1 nepotist (not really) will you take me to hogsmade

#1 nepotist (not really): At some point.

luka stan: LETS FUCKING GOOO SCORE

#1 nepotist (not really): Language.

luka stan: rught....

bitch: youre never beating the father son allegations

dazai's crush: right im literally abt to puke screw you two lmfaoooo

luka stan: youre just mad bc youre an orphan

dazai's crush: and you watched your dad die

dazai's crush: your point??

dazai's crush: also IM NOT AN ORPHAN I LITERALLY HAVE PARENTS

luka stan: I DIDNT EVEN LIKE MY DAD. ALSO YOU DONT EVEN REMEMBER YOUR PARENTS

dazai's crush: at least i didnt grow up with mori!!!

luka stan: foul tbh

dazai's crush: actually that was mean sorry,,,

bitch: no continue being mean he deserves it

second in command: Are we talking about your guardian, Dazai? I don't like him very much either.

dazai's crush: RIIIIIIGHT i respect him but liking him is a whole different story

dazai's crush: i thought elise was ur little sister btw dazai. srs

luka stan: oh....!

bitch: whos that

luka stan: NO ONE LMFAOOOOOO

bitch: WHY ARE YOU GUYS SURROUNDED BY MYSTERY ITS SO ANNOYING

library dweller: That's how they thrive, I'm pretty sure.

luka stan: hermione ur soooo right

luka stan: im actually so dark and mysterious

dazai's crush: friendly reminder you have a crush on a man btw

luka stan: OK CAN YOU STOP OR ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD THAT OVER MY HEAD FOREVER

dazai's crush: yeah no sorry its funny

dazai's crush: boy kisser

luka stan: IM FILING A WORKPLACE HARASSMENT CASE ON YOU

dazai's crush: YOU LITERALLY DUMPED WATER ON MY ASSIGNMENTS THE OTHER DDAY

luka stan: I DIDNT MEAN TO YOU LITERALLY KNEED ME IN THE BACK AND I SPIT MY WATER

dazai's crush: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULL SHIT

stalker: Language.

dazai's crush: oh so NOW you come back. also i swear if i hear someone say language to me one more time i will jump off the roof

luka stan: without me is wild. me too

bitch: um...

luka stan: AUUU,MMMMM CHIBI DMS DMS DMS DMS DMS DMS OMGOGMGOGMOGMGGMG

dazai's crush: WHAT OK

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execs 💯

Kouyou: We can start setting the next phase of the DOE plan in motion now. Mori told me to inform all of you.

dazai's crush: LETS GOOOOOOOO

Kouyou: Every time you come back here, you have a different name.

dazai's crush: its all of dazais friends theyre changing me

luka stan: crazy

luka stan: anyways no fairrrrr he gets to harass me

dazai's crush: YES SIR I DO LMFAOOAOAOOAOA

ace in the hole: Sounds lovely!

luka stan: you arent in this plan ace shush....

ace in the hole: I still enjoy watching your downfall.

luka stan: RUDE ASS BITCH I HOPE YOU DIE

Kouyou: I will message you with more details, Chuuya. Otherwise, continue as normal.

dazai's crush: sweet

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DMS: luka stan -> dazai's crush

luka stan: YOU BETTER NOT SAY ANYTHING TOO BAD ABOUT ME

dazai's crush: theyre tryna make you the next dark lord bro ur gonna be beyond saving 💀💀💀

luka stan: well we have to make sure people do not associate the fact that the person in these group chats is the same as the one dissing me

dazai's crush: right whoops i sent that pic that had some of my face in it earlier...

luka stan: whoops!! mori is gonna kill us btw

dazai's crush: whatever he can deal w it its not like i act like your best friend or anything anyways

luka stan: yeah ig...

luka stan: and besides blaise and draco know abt the port mafia

luka stan: they dont know the plan but im pretty sure if i told them theyd keep their mouths shut

dazai's crush: if they dont ill just kill them 🤷🤷

luka stan: yeah ig... dont really want to do that tho so.... maybe lets not

dazai's crush: YEAH YEAH

luka stan: if you go unsend that picture, im pretty sure basically everyone other than hermione, blaise, and maybe draco will forget what u look like

dazai's crush: ok

dazai's crush: done!!!

luka stan: THIS IS SO EXCITING LMFAOOO

dazai's crush: why are you excited about this you shouldnt be excited...

luka stan: bc its funny duh.

dazai's crush: i think the teachers that want to adopt you will just work harder to snatch you away from the pm

luka stan: we should just

luka stan: run away togethr after we wreak havoc on the wizarding world

luka stan: like away from the pm too!!!1!!

dazai's crush: funny

luka stan: IM BEING FR

dazai's crush: yeah no sorry ask someone else to run away with you i wouldnt be caught dead having to hide out somewhere with you...

luka stan: what if we kissed when we were hiding out tho...

dazai's crush: CAN YOU NOT

luka stan: HEKONME IM JOKING CALM DOWNNN

dazai's crush: ISTG

dazai's crush: whatever im gonna go publicly harass you now <333

luka stan: have fun!!

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