Tainted

James got up and knelt next to Regulus, resting his hand delicately on his shoulder. Regulus flinched but continued to stare intensely at Sirius.

“Regulus we should go” he said but Regulus continued to ignore him. “Regulus?” He tried again. “Reggie?”

Regulus snapped his head around, anger flashed across his face “don’t call me that, only Sirius calls me that” he said, glaring at James.

“Okay, okay I’m sorry. We need to go upstairs” James repeated now that he had Regulus’ attention.

“No i need to stay I can’t leave, I need to stay with him” Regulus said, his voice breaking and tears continuing to run down his face.

“My parents have got this Regulus, we need to give them room. It’s the best you can do for him right now.” Regulus looked back down at his brother. James stayed quiet for a moment. Just as he was about to speak again Regulus subtly nodded his head.

Regulus went to stand up but his legs felt like jelly and he immediately tripped. James caught him and offered his hand for Regulus to take. Regulus took James’ hand, they still shook violently and were covered in blood but James ignored it. He put his other hand around Regulus’ waist, supporting most of his weight as they walked off. James could hear his parents beginning to talk quietly behind him. He could hear the edge of panic that seeped into their voices and he tried to focus all his attention on Regulus instead.

Regulus stared at the floor, gasping and sobbing quietly all the way upstairs.

After the boys had managed to make it to James’ room, James sat Regulus down on his bed and closed the door behind them. He walked over to his draws and pulled out a pair of joggers and a sweater, putting them in his bathroom. He walked over to Regulus, who’s eyes were still glued to the floor, and stood in front of him awkwardly.

“I put some spare clothes in the bathroom for you to use and there’s an extra towel in the cabinet under the sink” he said. Regulus didn’t look up. He continued to look at the floor as if James hadn’t spoken.

“Regulus?” Regulus looked up at James. His eyes were wide and glossy but the tears had stopped now. What James wasn’t expecting was the terrified look on Regulus’ face, he looked so small and scared that it made James want to cry all over again. He wondered what the hell was going on in the black household.

James noticed how Regulus’ breath was still worryingly shallow and knelt down in front of him.

“Regulus breathe” he said, his voice soft and gentle like his mother’s earlier. Regulus watched him as he knelt down and reached out to grab Regulus’ hands. He flinched again but James ignored it. James placed one of Regulus’ hands on his chest and the other on his own and began taking purposefully deep breathes for Regulus to follow.

Regulus took long shaky breaths to try and calm down, maintaining eye contact with James. Once his breath was normal he looked down again and let out a strangled sob, the full gravity of the situation hitting him like a ton of bricks. James let go of Regulus’ hands and sunk down into a sitting position on the floor. He looked down, biting the inside of his cheek hard to stop himself from crying but he could still feel his own warm salty tears cascading down his face as he listened to the sound of Regulus sobbing again. A million questions were running through James’ head. The two boys sat like that for a while until Regulus spoke again.

“It was my fault” he sighed, another sob shook his small form. James looked up at him.

“No it wasn’t” James said, Regulus continued looking at the floor, refusing to make eye contact. James didn’t actually know what happened but he was positive Regulus wasn’t to blame.

“It was. It was my fault. I let this happen” Regulus continued, nodding his head slightly.

“No Regulus -“ James tried again but was cut off.

“It was. You didn’t see the look on his face when I -“ Regulus cut himself off, crying harder. James looked at him sympathetically, he couldn’t hold himself back from asking anymore.

“Regulus what happened?” James looked up at Regulus desperately searching for an answer. He wasn’t quite sure if he wanted one, but he needed one. Regulus looked down at him, a haunted look in his eye. He didn’t say anything.

“Regulus please. Who did this?” James asked again, the desperation seeping into his voice. Regulus let out a shaky breath and looked down at the floor again.

“He did” Regulus whispered. James’ blood froze.

“What?” James asked, hoping that he’d heard Regulus wrong or that he misunderstood him.

“Sirius did that to himself” Regulus elaborated. James stared at him in shock.
“He was - he didn’t - at dinner - mother she - I -“ Regulus’ breath started picking up again and James rested a hand on his knee to get his attention. Their eyes met.

“You should have a shower” James said, changing the subject. His voice was quiet and hesitant. “To get the blood off” James and Regulus both looked down at Regulus’ body. His clothes were still soaked in blood and his arms and hands were coated in now dried blood. Regulus stared down at his hands for a moment before nodding at moving to stand up. James immediately stood with him and helped him over to the bathroom.

“Do you er - can you um - are you gonna be okay?” James stuttered out, not wanting to leave Regulus alone when he still looked like a newborn deer learning how to walk. Regulus nodded subtly and shut the door. He spent ages in the bathroom, mostly trying to get his shaky hands to undo the buttons on his shirt, but he was too stubborn to ask for help.

James waited outside, sitting on his bed. His mind was racing. He searched his brain for what little information he knows about Sirius’ home life. He knew Sirius didn’t get on with his mum but that was about it.

He thought back to all the times Sirius would come back to hogwarts after half term and be slightly more reserved and quiet for the first few days or even weeks. How Sirius would always wear his long sleeved pj’s the first week back and how he would always seem more alert or on edge. The longer James thought about it the more nauseous he felt. James had sent him back there. He didn’t question it. Why didn’t he question it?

They were going to forgive him. Remus was going to forgive him when the new year started.
—————-

“Remus he’s killing himself over this” James whisper-shouted one day at lunch time. James hadn’t seen Sirius at meal times in weeks and noticed how skinny he had gotten. He also saw the shadows under his best friend’s eyes and knew how he would sometimes sneak out of their dorm at night to do god knows what. Remus refused to talk about it and James understood that he was angry but watching both of his closest friends sulking all day long was driving James insane. Not to mention the fact that he was actually really worried about Sirius.

“I don’t care James” Remus brushed him off, playing with the food on his plate and trying to avoid making eye contact with James.

“Yes you do Moony, I know you” James said “I know you don’t hate him even though you want to.” Remus looked down but didn’t deny the statement. James sighed.

“Remus?” James said in a more gentle voice this time. Remus looked up at James. “You and Sirius, you were really close right?” James asked but wasn’t expecting an answer. “Closer than the rest of us?”
Remus’ heart rate picked up, scared as to what conclusion James was building up to. He looked down again, panicking slightly.

“Moony, you and Sirius -“ James cut himself off. Remus felt tears spring to his eyes and he internally cursed himself. He hung his head low in shame. “You and Padfoot were good together” James said and Remus looked up at him surprised. “You guys….you just worked. I don’t know much about relationships but when I see you guys together it just fits, y,know?” Remus blinked vigorously, trying to stop the tears. He had thought he and Sirius had hid it well.

“How long have you known?” Remus practically whispered.

“Probably longer than you guys have, I mean you were pining over each other for months. It was so annoying, I was considering confessing for you guys just to speed things along” James joked and Remus laughed, looking back down at his food to try and compose himself.

“I know you’re angry at him Moony but have you seen him recently? He truly believes that you hate him. It’s tearing him apart. Just promise me you’ll talk to him, you don’t have to forgive him. Just let him apologise at least, he clearly feels bad” James concluded.

Remus sighed, considering what James had said. He was right of course. Despite his best efforts Remus didn’t hate Sirius. The opposite in fact. That was what was making this so hard. Remus still loved him. Sirius had betrayed him in the most horrible way and the worst part was that it changed nothing. There was nothing Sirius could do to make Remus love him less, and Remus hated him for it. But even though Remus loved him, he still wanted Sirius to hurt. Just to feel a fraction of the pain and betrayal he felt waking up in that hospital wing.

“I can’t face him yet James he -“ Remus’ voice broke and he took a deep breath. “I’ll talk to him after summer break. I just need time.” Remus said, taking a bite out of his sandwich to show James he was done with the conversation. James nodded and dropped the subject.
—————-

James currently sat on his bed, leaning up against the wall in the dark. He had forgotten to turn the lights on but he didn’t mind the darkness. The only light was the dim yellow glow that flooded in through the gap in his curtains from the street light outside. The shower had turned off a while ago but Regulus hadn’t come out yet. James waited patiently. He wondered how Remus is going to react when James tells him what had happened.

Regulus slowly opened the door. The jumper and joggers were way too big on him and he looked even smaller than he already was. It was almost comical. In another situation James would’ve laughed at him. Regulus turned the bathroom light off, joining James in the darkness. James noticed Regulus hesitating and patted the spot on the bed next to him. Regulus shuffled over and sat down next to him.

“Can I ask you a question?” James asked. “You don’t have to answer” Regulus looked at him expectantly.

“Does your mum hurt you?” James asked bluntly. Regulus kind of appreciated his bluntness, there was no dancing around the point or avoiding the topic altogether. It made the question seem less frightening if someone wasn’t afraid to ask it.

“Sometimes” Regulus replied simply. His voice quiet but no longer shaky and scared like it was before. He just sounded tired now.
“It’s usually not me though.” Another beat of silence. James waited, careful not to rush or pressure Regulus. “You know Sirius, too loud, too emotional, too much for his own good. Although I think he initially started doing all that to protect me. So everyone would be too busy focusing on his fuck ups and forget about mine” Regulus concluded.

“I’m sorry.” James said. Regulus nodded, staring fowards into the darkness.

“What happened between you two?” Regulus asked this time, catching James off guard.
“It must’ve been bad. Sirius didn’t argue with my mother at all until tonight. It was like he lost something. Something important.” James stayed quiet. Regulus didn’t push.

“It’s complicated” James finally said. “You said he fought with your mum tonight?” James repeated Regulus’ words. “Is that why he did this?” James asked. Regulus stayed quiet. He thought of the expression on Sirius’ face after he -

Regulus swallowed the lump in his throat.

“It’s complicated” Regulus replied.