Tainted

James and Regulus stayed sat on the bed for a couple hours before Effie finally entered the room. They were both too restless to sleep but also too scared to move. When Effie opened the door both boys immediately looked up at her, sitting up straighter and holding their breath, waiting for her to say something.

“He’s okay” she said and James and Regulus both let out a huge sigh of relief, slumping back down on the bed. Regulus felt so relieved he wanted to cry again, he took a deep, shaky breath and brought his hands up to his face. Effie looked at him sympathetically.

“James, your dad is with Sirius at the moment, why don’t you join them?” Effie suggested, but it wasn’t a suggestion of course. James couldn’t get out of the room fast enough, he suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to be with Sirius. He got up obediently and started walking out of the room.

“They’re in the spare bedroom” Effie informed him as he sped past her. Regulus removed his hands but continued to look down, too scared to meet Effie’s eyes as he spoke. He had been a sobbing mumbling mess when he had arrived and he felt humiliated.

“I’m sorry” He spoke quietly “I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I’ll be leaving as soon as possible” he hung his head low in shame. He expected to hear the door slam or maybe a lecture, telling him how inconvenient his presence is.

“No you bloody won’t” Effie said quickly and Regulus looked up at her, confused. Effie looked offended and Regulus tensed up, preparing himself.

“Your staying here Regulus” Effie said in a much more gentle voice, after noticing the effect her initial tone had. She looked at Regulus sympathetically and very slowly moved to sit next to him on the bed. Regulus watched her every move intensely.

“Regulus, you have nothing to apologise for. You did the right thing coming here. I’m assuming you’re Sirius’ brother?” She asked and Regulus nodded.

“I can’t even imagine how painful it must’ve been for you to see your brother like that and you are so unbelievably strong for bringing him to us the way you did.” Effie continued to speak carefully and gently and Regulus could feel tears coming back to his eyes. No one had ever spoken to him this way, especially not any parental figure. “I don’t know what goes on in your house but I refuse to allow you to return home if I don’t believe that you are safe there” She concluded. Regulus’ bottom lip trembled slightly and he brought his hands up to cover his face again.

He felt like a little kid crying for attention. He felt so small in Effie’s presence, but not in the same way his own mother made him feel small. He still felt small and pathetic but he didn’t want to conceal his emotions and distance himself like with his own mother. He wanted to completely break down. He wanted someone to hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay. Walburga would laugh in his face if he ever admitted that.

“I’m sorry” Regulus sobbed while frantically trying to wipe the tears streaming down his face. “I’m sorry”

Effie felt her heart breaking watching Regulus. She reached out to hug him but he flinched away from her touch so she backed off. Regulus immediately regretted his reaction. He wanted nothing more than to be hugged right now. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been hugged, if he ever had been.

“I’m sorry” Regulus repeated. He didn’t know what else to say. He had nothing else to offer other than his apologies.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Regulus, you did good. You can relax now”
—————————

A few hours passed and Effie and Monty went back to bed. James refused to leave Sirius, and Regulus refused to be with him. Everyone was very confused as to why Regulus didn’t want to see Sirius. He clearly cared deeply for his brother. But they didn’t ask. Regulus stayed curled up on James’s bed, crying silently.

James stayed sat next to the bed Sirius lay on. He held his limp hand gently, laying his head down on the edge of the bed, exhausted but unable to sleep. James watched Sirius as he slept, replaying all the times James had missed the signs. It was so obvious looking back. James felt like the worst person alive. He knew Regulus blamed himself, but ultimately, this was James fault. If he couldn’t protect the people he loved then what good was he?

James thought about what was going to happen now. Sirius and Regulus were obviously not going back, whether they liked it or not. But Walburga isn’t going to just let them go. Could Regulus and Sirius even stay?
James felt nauseous at the thought of them going back.

How was James going to tell Remus? The news would surely crush him, but James wasn’t sure how he would react. Would he be angry? Would he blame himself? Would this finally allow him to forgive Sirius or would this make things worse?

James desperately needed to know what actually happened but he didn’t want to upset Regulus anymore tonight. James should probably comfort Regulus, he can’t even imagine what it would’ve been like to find Sirius like that, but he couldn’t pull himself away from Sirius’s side. He continued to watch Sirius intensely. The rise and fall of his chest, the placing of the bandages, the paleness of his skin, contrasting with the inky blackness of his hair. James felt like if he looked away, even for a second, then Sirius would disappear. He would slip through the cracks, leaving James alone for good.

“He was going to forgive you” James spoke quietly. He was repeating the phrase over and over in his head like a prayer. James felt tears well up in his eyes again and he let them roll down his face softly. He couldn’t stand the cruelty of it all. It wasn’t fair. They just needed time.

Time. That was always something they seemed to run short of.
——————-

James didn’t remember falling asleep. He woke up to his mum gently placing her hand on his shoulder. She gave him a soft smile, which he returned the best he could. He looked back over to Sirius with sleepy eyes, pushing his glasses further onto his face. He was still holding Sirius’s hand. It was warm. James felt a wave of relief.

“I’m making breakfast. Do you know what Regulus likes?” Effie asked, pulling up a chair and sitting next to James. James didn’t take his eyes away from Sirius as he spoke.

“No. I don’t really know Regulus. I’ve never even had a conversation with him besides last night. I only know what Sirius had told me” James said. A thick silence settled in the room. James swallowed the lump in his throat.

“He did it to himself” James almost whispered. His voice broke.
“Did you know that? He did this!” James raised his voice slightly. He suddenly felt angry.

“How could he do that?! I still need him! Why would he do that?!” James asked. He looked over at his mum desperately searching for answers. Tears started streaming down his face again. James couldn’t remember the last time he cried this much.
Effie gave him a sad look. She had grown to care for Sirius over the years like he was her own. It broke her heart having to patch up his cuts last night. She did think about the positioning of the cuts, and how they looked self inflicted, but she pushed the thought to the back of her mind because the idea of it scared her.

“I don’t know love. I’m sorry” Effie said, her eyes were glossy with tears. She reached out for James’s hand and they sat for a couple minutes, just holding onto each other. James took a few deep breathes to compose himself. Effie gave James hand a tight squeeze before getting up.

“Get ready and then come down for breakfast. Remember Regulus is still in your room. Let him know that I’m making breakfast for us all but also tell him that he doesn’t have to come down if he doesn’t want to. He can eat later if he would like to sleep some more…. he must be exhausted.”
Effie said before leaving the room. James nodded. He glanced once more at Sirius. He didn’t want to leave. The thought of Sirius waking up alone actually terrified him. But eventually he dragged his feet over to his room.

As he entered, his eyes immediately looked over at his bed, where Regulus lay.
Regulus was lying on top of James’s duvet, curled up like a cat, with his arms wrapped around his torso and his knees pulled to his chest. Regulus was already quite small and right now he looked even more tiny. If Regulus wasn’t Sirius’s brother or if Sirius wasn’t James’s best friend, James might’ve thought he almost looked cute.
But Regulus was James’s best friend’s brother, so he definitely didn’t think that.

James stepped into the room as quietly as he could, but clearly he wasn’t as stealthy as he thought he was. Only a couple steps in, Regulus suddenly jerked upwards. He sat up, his body tensing and his eyes wide as he looked over at James. He looked scared for a second, but his expression quickly relaxed when he met James’s eyes.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you” James smiled nervously. Regulus shuffled on the bed, moving into a more comfortable sitting position.

“It’s okay” Regulus said quietly. His eyes were red and puffy, dark circles framing them. James wasn’t judging of course, he almost definitely looked the same right now. James walked over to his draws and pulled out some clothes as he spoke.

“My mums making breakfast. I wasn’t sure what you liked, so she’s probably panic cooking a shit ton of food right now.” James joked. “She said to tell you that you can come down to eat with us if you want but if you want to sleep some more that’s fine too.” James finished grabbing his clothes and turned around to look at Regulus. Regulus looked back at him with an innocent and slightly surprised expression.

“Don’t worry about taking up room or anything, my mum loves being hostess. I remember when Sirius slept around for the first time, he refused to let my mum get the airbed out of the loft for him to sleep on. He said ‘it was just a hassle’ and that he was ‘perfectly fine sleeping on the floor’” James chuckled at the memory. “He really stressed my mum out.”

It took a long time for Sirius to feel as if he wasn’t just a burden that the Potters had to deal with whenever he visited. James figured that Regulus would probably have the same kind of mindset.

Regulus stared at James in bewilderment. “Your mum got stressed out because Siri wouldn’t let her do something for him??” Regulus asked. The concept of a parent doing something for him was practically unheard of, let alone them getting stressed out because they couldn’t help him.

“Yep. She loves taking care of people. Don’t worry, you get used to all the fuss.” James said. In his head, Sirius and Regulus were staying here permanently from now on. He wasn’t going to let them go back. He would fight Walburga himself if he had to. So they would have to get used to Effie’s fussing.

Regulus almost laughed. What a ridiculous thing to say. ‘Don’t worry, you’ll get used to someone caring about you’.
James said it as if it was a burden. Regulus almost cried.

“I’m going to get changed. You can help yourself to any clothes in my draws, there’s a few of Sirius’s clothes in there as well that he’s left here. They might fit better” James smirked, looking Regulus up and down. To his delight, Regulus looked down blushing. Regulus looked back up angrily.

“Shut up” he mumbled. James chuckled and walked into the bathroom to get changed.

Regulus couldn’t be asked to change. He liked James’s oversized jumper anyway, it smelled nice. Like honey and lavender.

Regulus felt very out of place. He didn’t belong in a home like this. Warm and inviting. He belonged to the cold clutches of Grimmauld place. He belonged to the darkness and eerie silence of its long and intimidating corridors, wondering around quietly and aimlessly like a ghost. Regulus felt like he was going to taint this place with his rotten blood if he stayed here too long. He wondered if Sirius ever felt like that when he was here. But of course he wouldn’t. Sirius belonged wherever he found himself to be, while Regulus only belonged in the places where he could make himself invisible. Regulus thought he would make an excellent ghost, he’d spent most of his life being one, he’ll probably be sick of it by the time he’s actually dead.

Regulus found himself standing outside of the guest bedroom. Sirius was just the other side of the door.

He stood deathly still.

He heard James’s footsteps stop a few feet behind him.

“Why don’t you wanna see him?” James asked.

Regulus didn’t turn around. He wanted to tell James that he did want to see Sirius. He wanted to tell him how sorry he was, and he wanted to sit and read books with him on the bed like they used to. He wanted Sirius to tell him that he wasn’t a bad person and that they were going to be okay, even if he was lying.
He wanted to tell James that Sirius is HIS brother, not James’s. Regulus wanted to beg James not to take his brother away from him, because he was the only real family Regulus had.

But he didn’t say any of that.

“It’s my fault” Regulus said. Staring at the door a few seconds more before going downstairs.